14yo SS coming to live with us
In a couple of days my teenage SS is coming to live with us and I want to make sure we will be doing all the right things for him and also that we are prepared for this.
A little bit of background - BM of SS has 6 other children to various partners which means she doesn’t have a lot of time to focus on SS14 which has meant his emotional and educational wellbeing has been neglected. Also no clear boundaries have been set by BM. Attempts from DH to be more involved in SS life in these regards have been blocked by BM over the years as she has not wanted to seem like a bad mum in fear of having her children taken off her and she was also very resentful when DH moved interstate for work.
A few days ago BM opened up about everything that has really been going on with SS and said she cannot take it anymore and that she wanted him sent to our place ASAP. We have found out SS has had serious anger issues and smashed 2 of her TV, has been bullying children to the point that parents are coming around to BMs house, is falling behind in all classes and has been suspended from school.
After learning this DH said yes we can definitely take him. When SS found out he was coming to our house he called DH a cunt and said he wants to kill him. BM has stated she thinks she only wants SS here for a month until he gets straightened out. I don’t think one month is going to fix all of these issues and I am really worried as to where SS will end up if he continues down this path.
My main concerns are that I am worried how this is going to impact our family - DH and I have 2 young children together which will be impacted by this. SS has honestly never been that bad when he has come to our house in the past so I’m not sure how he is going to act once here. We have booked SS into see a child physchologist a week after he gets here, have looked at sporting teams we can get him into and have organised rules and a schedule that we can follow to help him ease into family life with us.
I guess I am just looking for any advice on how to handle this situation. I want to make SS to feel comfortable here and know we are here for him but I also want him to understand boundaries and expectations of his behaviour. Also am I being unrealistic thinking that 1 month is not enough time to change SS behaviour and path and that maybe DH needs to make a more proactive approach for the well-being of SS?
If he has been allowed to run
If he has been allowed to run wild all these years it will take nothing short of a miracle to correct all his poor behaviors. And waaaaaay longer than a month to fix.
I feel bad for you and your littles. I hope your dh isn't willing to sacrifice them for ss. You should set in your mind how much bs you are willing to deal with (and put your littles through) and keep that boundry firm.
How nice of bm to eff the kid up and then drop him on you.... just until he's fixed...then she wants him back. Yea, real nice.
Good lord why did you marry
Good lord why did you marry someone with 6 kids from multiple women?? Or 6 kids period!?
I think she said BM has 6..
I think she said BM has 6...one is with her DH.
OP you are in a world of hurt. You and your young children are in danger. You cant allow this violent child who calls daddy a cunt near you kids. I hope you have a place to go when your children need to be protected. Remember 911 is your friend. This boy will lie, steal whatever he wants. Do not be alone with him. He could accuse you of harming him and your children could be taken away. My advice, dont let him in the house. BM & DH created this monster let them fix it without putting your babies in harm's way.
Oh you are right. Thank
Oh you are right. Thank goodness. My coffee is just now kicking in. Sleep was badddd last night.
I think the big thing you
I think the big thing you need to worry about is your little ones. They need to be constantly reassured that they can "tell on" SS if he is mean to them or hurts them in any way. You also need an escape place. Are you near any family that would let you stay for a night or 2 as needed while your DH is whipping SS into shape?
No, one month is not going to fix this. This is going to be years. It is a long, long, uphill battle that you guys have taken on. Maybe you have a deadline that your Dh and you agree on and if SS isn't on the right path, he has to go back to BM... if she will take him. I would also make sure you have a formal agreement signed with BM before he even spends one night. This could backfire rather quickly without one.
Vector him straight to
Vector him straight to Military School and avoid the danger and drama he represents to his father and your family.
By 14 kids are pretty much who they will be regarding personality and character. The structure, accountability, forced focus and performance will transform this kid amazingly and .... minimizes the risk that he is going to go Jeffrey Dahmer on your family. More importantly, it minimizes his continued exposure to his POS BM.
Be safe.
Run. This is going to be a
Run. This is going to be a nightmare.