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14 year old caught drinking

DogMomOnly's picture

Recently I found a picture on SD14's social media account where she is at a party with a beer in her hand. Her face cannot be seen as someone else is blocking her face. But her hair cannot be mistaken for anyone else and the clothing she's wearing is something SD14 owns for sure. I sent this to my DH as I warned him that the boy she was "dating" was probably not good news. Turns out, she's no longer "dating" this kid (she's on to the next one already....another "winner").

Anyway, SD14 admitted it was her in the picture, but claims that she was holding the beer for the person taking the picture...the picture of everyone else (all underage) holding beers. Apparently there weren't any tables at this party for the photographer to set his/her beer down....riiiiight. DH shares the picture with BM who said she already knew about it. SD14 had already been talked to by BM and grounded a couple weeks ago (probably for a day or two). But BM failed to share the information with my DH because she had "taken care of it" or so she claims. BM also failed to mention that she told SD14 not to hang out with a particular friend, a party girl who apparently makes bad choices. SD14 went out with said friend last night while DH had custody.

Of course, I was skeptical right off the bat when SD14 offered to do chores before going out last night...this NEVER happens. I don't believe she was where she said she would be with a girl she knows she is not allowed to hang out with per her BM's orders. Last night I told DH he really needs to set up SD14's phone with her own account instead of sharing her mom's information so that he can track the phone. BM will not give her password to my DH and said she would be willing to track SD14 anytime he needs to know where she is. Ummmmm no.

My first question is, what does DH do about his 14 year old drinking? His idea was to not allow her to go out for a month, but she's only with us 10 days a month and only 3 of those days are weekend nights when she likely would go out, so one month is really just 3 days. Second question is how do you handle these road blocks by BP's who don't allow equal access to things like phone records and tracking even though you foot half the bill too? SD14 has an iphone and it can easily be done to have her own apple id where only the 2 parents know the password, but BM literally doesn't understand it no matter how many times we've explained it over the last few months.

Please don't answer with telling me to disengage, that it's not my problem because it's not my kid. My DH and I have an understanding that I am not a parent, nor will I ever be. But he does appreciate my feedback and input on how to handle certain situations, which we discuss at length in privacy. He has come a long way from the parent/disney dad he used to be and credits me with helping him be a much better father. Most of the time I have advice (and damn good advice Wink ). But this time I'm not sure what else, if anything, he can do. Just looking for some feedback or shared experiences in similar situations. Thank you.

DogMomOnly's picture

Thank you. Luckily she is on BC because of some acne medicine she is on requires it. A couple years ago I already predicted the whole 16 and pregnant scenario, hopefully being on BC will prevent that from happening. Either way, I already told my DH that babies are not allowed in the house for more than a visit. Lol

Funny thing is WE are the cops, both of us. And it's already been discussed that she will not get any special privileges for her dad being one. She will be arrested with everyone else. It's hard to know what she does when on BMs watch, we try our best to know what she's up to when with us.

twoviewpoints's picture

Well it's not your kid... but she is DH's and she does spend 1/3 of the month in your home, so that makes it your business. The next 'party' could end up at your house or you could end up opening your front door one morning to find a raped, passed out 14yr old dumped on your lawn.

The phone/password is easy enough. Dad takes her phone when she comes and hands her one he provides. BM wants to be an a** over passwords, BM can provide the phone on her time, Dad on his time. No internet accessibility in your home without Dad's ability to monitor the usage. That social media photo that you so easily found shows how young and stupid this girl is. She didn't even have the sense to cover her tracks from BM's or your prying eyes. She did probably learn now however to be sneakier.

While you can't control BM's house, Dad can control his own. Is SD involved in school sports and the different school sponsored activities? Lots of districts do random drug/alcohol testing and if the parent refuses to sign for allowance, the students can't participate. Sharing that photo with district superintendent might give a heads up as to who to 'randomly' test next. Chancing losing to be on cheerleader squad or girl's volleyball team or even barred from school dances can be enough consequences to make a kid think twice on towing the line of behavior.

DogMomOnly's picture

Luckily with our schedules (we both work nights) at least one of us is home or able to stop by home while working - have to let the dogs out. A party at our house is highly unlikely, even when out of town as we have the best neighbors one could ask for. But this had made me realize we need to lock up the liquor we do have ASAP. I thought we had another year at least before having to worry about that.

Due to my job I have some training in searching social media. It wasn't hard to find this picture, but it wasn't as easy as finding one she was "tagged" in. It takes some effort and time to find these things and BM never saw the picture until DH showed her, she only knew of the party.

She does play a couple of sports. And thank you for the idea you gave me! I think the school administrators need to see this picture and know of all involved at this party of underage drinking. I will definitely be talking to my DH about that!

jumanji's picture

Well..... I found it worked better to stop making the drinking completely forbidden. Both of mine knew that they could drink here at home, A beer, a glass of wine, etc. What was NOT permitted was allowing their friends to drink in my home, getting into a car with someone who had been drinking (they knew my having a glass one wine with dinner didn't count), or having even one drink and driving. We've lost too many kids in town for them not to be aware. IF they were going to a drinking party, they both knew they would face the consequences of a raid (and a LOT of parents do allow drinking parties, going so far as to provide the booze), and they were expected to spend the night. And..... they were to call me at any hour if they wanted to come home - no matter their state.

They are 21 and 24, and both responsible drinkers. There is ALWAYS a DD.

Their friends who were forbidden to drink? Tend to still overdo.

DogMomOnly's picture

I get the point you're making and I grew up with parents like that too for the most part. Even my best friends mom would allow us to have a couple wine coolers if she knew we weren't going anywhere. But these skids are 14 and 10 and I would never condone those ages to start drinking. There is so much wrong with that. I also believe there is more way than one to teach your kids how to be responsible if they choose to drink. My husband and I are both in law enforcement and this would be the dumbest thing for us to do. I think you've missed the point on the advice I was looking for...BM making it difficult for us to teach responsibly is one and consequences for doing things skids already know is wrong.

DogMomOnly's picture

I get the point you're making and I grew up with parents like that too for the most part. Even my best friends mom would allow us to have a couple wine coolers if she knew we weren't going anywhere. But these skids are 14 and 10 and I would never condone those ages to start drinking. There is so much wrong with that. I also believe there is more way than one to teach your kids how to be responsible if they choose to drink. My husband and I are both in law enforcement and this would be the dumbest thing for us to do. I think you've missed the point on the advice I was looking for...BM making it difficult for us to teach responsibly is one and consequences for doing things skids already know is wrong.