13 yo stepson causing issues
I have a 13 yo stepson, who I generally get along with. Ive been in his life since he was about 6. However the past few months have been very challenging. His dad and I offically got married this year and he offically turned into a teenager!
A little background, we have a fairly good relationship with his mom. We split our time 1 week on one week off. Our two households are night and day. Our household is very strucutred while from my understanding moms is not. Myself and his mom are polar opposites! She is very natural no makeup, super into essential oils and other natural remedies (no judgement thats what shes into), she doesn't cook and talks to the kids like their her friends. Where I guess I would consider myself a little more "normal". I like to look my best, have a clean styled house and I put a lot of effort into the meals I prepare for my family.
Over the summer and early fall he contradicts everything I say, makes rude comments about my cooking. Even makes comments about why I wear makeup. I go above and beyond for my stepsons, I try so so hard and I seriously cannot win with this kid right now! I could say the sky is blue and he will say acutally its blue/gray. If his mom is around he makes sly comments for example I was wearing distressed jeans to a school event (which I have worn numerous times around him) He had to make a point to ask me in front of his mom why I wear jeans like that. I'm starting to get a little fed up. Like I get hes 13 hes going to have his moments, but Im starting to dread when he comes back from his moms. My husband is very supportive and has my back, but I think this is more than needing support from him I need to try and make sense of what is going on so I can find some peace with it. I do not want to dread every other week! Any advice would be appreciated!!!
Read up on Disengagement. Let
Read up on Disengagement. Let your husband deal with his disrespectful kid. That includes cooking for them. His kid, his responsibility.
And the first poster has no step parent experience.
What are the consequences
What are the consequences when he is rude?
At a minimum I would not be doing things for him if he is rude to you.
That is the super power of being a step parent. You don't have to do anything for these kids. You can just say that you don't do things for rude people. You aren't his parent so you don't have to give him a ride somewhere, cook dinner for him, do his laundry, help with homework or whatever it is that you do for him. Sure his Dad could do it for him if he wants to but I would hope that Dad is issuing some kind of consequence for being rude to you. If the kid apologizes you could choose to start helping him again if you want to.
Sometimes situations are so bad that people choose to stop doing things for their step kids altogether and disengage from them, leaving the kids bio parent to step up and take on all of the parenting roles for their child. This can sometimes also help ease tensions as the child is no longer fighting you taking on a parental role as you are not acting as a parent any longer.
Personally if anyone is rude
Personally if anyone is rude about my cooking, I would come down on them like the wrath of God. I would try doing this before disengaging and not cooking for him any more. He may just be testing the boundaries and needs to know when he is out of order. Give him to know very clearly that negative comments about your clothes, make up, food etc are not acceptable and that he is to shut his pie hole. Where is his father in all this? if he hears his son making these kind of comments he is clearly not doing a good job of parenting the boy.
He absolutely should not be
He absolutely should not be allowed to be rude about anything, EVER, that's on your DH to address.
(For the record, you say you aren't judging his mother, but you totally are, and kids aren't stupid, they pick up on that. The fact that you consider yourself more "normal" rather than just "different" is the clue. But sounds like she's judging you, too).