Where do i fit in?
New to this site. Hoping for some positive feedback. I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year, she has a 6 year old daughter. The daughter and i get along great, always includes me, wants to be with me and i couldnt ask for a better relationship on that end. We currently live apart and i see my girlfriend and her daughter a couple times a week. She co-parents jointly with her ex-boyfriend who is the childs father. Lately i have been dealing with jealously. I know a certain amount is normal but i have been keeping things inside. If i have the discussions with my GF she often is close minded and doesnt understand my feelings. My GF is very big on social media and posts pictures of just her and her daughter almost daily. She rarely posts pictures, comments or positive things about me. Is this petty...maybe, but its odd to me. She gets messages from other guys at times that are her 'friends' which to a certain extent i'm okay with but then again i feel she is giving off the vibe of being single. When we are together all is usually good and i dont typically have a jealous feeling but apart, with the combination of not feeling loved nearly as much as her daughter i feel left out. I feel like she could and should do more. I just feel excluded from the important things in life and she doesnt do a super job to make me a part of them. Thanks for your thoughts.
I think
first you need to ask her where the relationship with you is.
You've invested over a year
You've invested over a year of your life and with that comes the expectation to know where you stand. Based on what you are saying, she is having her cake and eating it too. She has the best of both worlds. She has you and a 'relationship' when it's convenient for her, but is still 'playing the field' in my opinion when you aren't around. Social Media is a horrible barometer for happiness and other emotions, but that being said, it's a great venue for getting attention and positive comments from people to feed that need. Not saying that she shouldn't have friends, male or female, but if you are exclusive partners, there needs to be dialog about where you stand, expectations, etc and I don't think that it's unfair to ask and expect a solild answer.
What do you want from this relationship? Do you want marriage? Is there any plan or discussion about moving in together? You have done your part based on what you have said. You are present, involved and motivated and she hasn't made that effort. Do you feel comfortable with pulling back and making her do some of the work? Perhaps she needs to know that you aren't a convenience.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Relationship Over
Thanks for the response and your thoughts. Unfortunately, my relationship with my GF is over. This was the 2nd time we tried to make it work. No matter what approach i took, holding my own , not speaking up, letting the nonsense behaviors go - it was never enough. I guess the partner she needs in life is one who agrees with 100% of her parenting and does not budge on anything else.
I'm not a parent or step parent but the happy family-ness with the ex, the cocentric behavior with the child were way too much to handle. How was one supposed to live? On the edge of their seat to see what to do next. Even at our best it was still all about the child as i guess she felt she had to make time up and guilt for splitting up their family. I thought she was worth it with her kind heart and pretty self, but it was so stressful. Coincidenty she ended the relationship, stating we couldn't work out, we are too different and i am too knitpicky. The latter eats away at me bc i am the one who held his own, held my ground for months after the discussions when i brought up about the kid, went no where. I could never tell her what to do or how to parent nor would she ever agree. She set no boundaries for the child in my home and the child too advantage. I was too kind to yell at the child ever. I was too kind to sit down with my GF as i overlooked the issues to try to appease her and thinking that we could work in the end if we were at our best. It is sad, as i loved her and her daughter and most likely wont be seeing them. I've never been in a scenario where not only a relationship ends but one where it ends with a child involved. I have my own validation of how this couldnt work and i know i did my best, it just eats away at me with her stating it is my fault bc i couldnt accept her lifestyle when i bent over backward for her. I dont know how a BF or partner is supposed to go along with the flow of every aspect of her relationship with the child. The constant convos with the ex, the time always spent with the child and never me, the insecurity with her pictures of social media bc shes obsessed with the child, the sleeping situation where a 6 yr old sleeps with mommy 5/7 nights a week, the monetary aspects spending all the money on a child but never on me or us so on and so forth. I should have been the one to walk away, i guess she will not understand or change, or she has to find someone who can sit back accept her life and not comment.
Thank you all for your time and thoughts it was helpful and appreciated
Take care of you. Live well.
Take care of you. Live well.
All of those things you
All of those things you describe (too-friendly and constant contact with ex, cosleeping, and attention seeking from others on socia media) are a recipe for a life of constant anxiety. I have dealt with all of them and am still fighting to change things. It's exhausting. You constantly feel disrespected, insecure, and second guess yourself. You have my complete respect for taking yourself out of the situation.
I kind of know how you feel.
I kind of know how you feel. I was with my girlfriend for just over a year and she also put her kids way before me. Which I understand to an extent but her son was very disrespectful towards me and she didn't bat an eye. She was also extremely obsessed with social media constantly needing validation from other people. She would just add random guys constantly to feed her ego. She still had pictures of us up and stuff like that but the fact that she was needing to add total strangers just pissed me off. She probably knew 200 of her 5000 friends. She would say it was for work so they would like her business page but i wasnt buying it. I watched her kids, picked them up from school, put them to bed while she was at working, spent all my free weekends watching them for her and none of them appreciated it. She always wanted me to try to bond more with her kids but never did the same to mine. Her son was so disrespectful to me would swear at me did not want me dating his mom and she just coddled him like a mini husband. I put up with so much of their shit and one night finally lost it. I told her she lets her son disrespect me they don't appreciate anything I do I paid for everything. And it's just never enough. I told her she brought absolutely nothing to the table when I came to dating her but yet she still complained that I wasn't doing enough. I told them to leave and she hasn't talked to me since it's been 3 months. I'm kind of glad it's over even though I miss her there's no way that relationship would be healthy in the long run.
Very Similiar
hey bro yeah I hear you loud and clear - this seems to have been my exact same issue. I did so much, put so much emphasis on the child did everything i could for her, buying things, putting stuff together, helping, cleaning you name it just wasnt enough ever or all that was expected. I was so overlooked and unappreciated. I was also told it was me for complaining or not being able to tolerate their "life" which was run by a cocentric child relationship. What was the best way you were able to move on from your relationship and the relationship with the child as well? Thanks
It was tough and still is
It was tough and still is tough moving on because I like her so much. But I literally hated her 9yo son with a passion so never seeing him again puts me at ease. The biggest thing to help me move on was knowing I have two young daughters who live with me full-time that also couldn't stand him and his behavior overall was just toxic for my families enviorment. Although I liked her so much and I do still miss her a lot she was in complete denial with his behavior and that's what I focus on to get past it.
I refuse to bend over backwards and spend more money on a kid than my own children just to be talked back to, swore at and hated by some selfish little piece of shit kid who's bahavior was effecting my daughters. While his mommy just made him out to be the poor little victim and perfect child, while appreciating nothing i did for him except tell me i need to "try harder", when she did nothing with my kids. Ever.
Yes i am still struggling
Yes i am still struggling moving forward because i miss her in general but not us as a 3some. Us together was just all about the child, never ever me. Not one time with the child did we do an adult activity or even go to a store or shopping etc. it was always about the kid bc she had to play mom of the year, bc the father is a terrible piece of crap and neglects his daughter. I liked the child a lot we got along great, but she didnt allow the 3 of us together to do anything. If my ex gf layed on me for 3 mins the kid would cry. i know kids are dramatic but she averaged 2 cries per visit most of them out of pure effect to get what she wanted. I bent so much i just wish my ex gf knew it. I was so underappreciated thats what i want her to know the most bc she doesnt and wont ever get that. All i would get is disrespect, stories how i cant get her life and be told that i complain too much bc i open my mouth 1x per month to talk about her parenting style. At least you dont have to deal with the snotty 9 year old anymore and you can have your daughters not exposed to that atmosphere. In my case its even harder bc i do miss the kid too and i have 0 of my own. So back to the drawing board i am working on.
She identifies as a mother first
Your ex clearly identifies as a mom first and a partner last. I believe that young children have to be a priority in their parent's lives because their needs aren't negotiable. But I also believe that if a parent wants a romantic relationship, they have to figure out how to make room for us. I'm sure she had plenty of redeemable qualities as a GF because you chose to be with her for a year, but you would never have been anywhere near the top of her priority list.
As for male friends on social media, don't read too much into that. My SO hated it that I talked to an old high school boyfriend on social media. I can understand it, but at the same time there was absolutely nothing between us and I wasn't going to enable his insecurity when there was nothing to be insecure about.
Its actually a good thing that she has a positive co-parenting relationship with the baby daddy. Trust me, toxic bio parents add a layer of hell to your life that you just don't want.
Best wishes for your next relationship. Now you know what flags to look for. Be sure to state your needs and expectations up front if the two of you decide to become committed. If she can't commit to meeting your needs and you feel you aren't being true to yourself, you'll know to walk away.
Hello - thanks for the
Hello - thanks for the comments. Yes i understand since her daughter is young, she needed to coddle her more, set boundaries etc. THe main problem was however, that bc the dad was far from dad of the year she felt the need to make up for this. Days after she picked up the child from the dads the child stuck to her moms leg, she fed the 6 year old dinner and so on, there was 0 room for me on these days and she said shed get used to it over time. Since we didnt live together i thought it would only get worse. She didnt wanna resolve problems at forefront.
I tried not to look into the social media stuff but she just used it for attention and i felt like shes leaving options open. Its inappropriate in my book. I was happy the relationship with the ex was good as well however its again, inapprorpriate that the 3 of them play family. She also said she still loves him multiple times, including in front of the daughter and told me i dont know what its like bc she had a kid with him. Anxiety to the extreme that i dont miss but i miss her in general somehow stil.