I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation with your wife about your feelings. Try to be calm and unemotional. Just tell her what you saw and you feel after reading it.

It's quite possible that she's venting and doesn't really mean it.

Most of the people who come on here let out their worst feelings, myself included, but I'd hate for my bf to read it because he'd get the same impression YOU got and I don't REALLY mean it as strongly as I write it most of the time. Sometimes we write just to vent and we write about the very worst, the extreme but it's only a tiny part of the picture, it's not an accurate description of my feelings. Sometimes I write from a point of view that isn't how I really feel, it's what I fear I will start to feel like. Does that make sense?

That's probably the case with your wife.

Some women are highly territorial. Your son may be in the way of her children and she wants hers to be "first".

I personally don't believe that a woman's "venting" means little - from what I have read here on Step Talk. Perhaps as poisonapples says it is not an accurate reflection of how she feels - or perhaps her feelings are justified. Either way, your boy is only eleven and three women ganging up on him could warp him for a lifetime.

Do a search on steptalk for "I hate my stepson" and read the venting.

PS: You are welcome to vent too!

I bet any woman can answer this one: who is supervising your son when he visits?

If you are working the whole time he is visiting, the brunt of child care may fall on her.

Do what you can to supervise your son while he is here and she may have less resentment.

Maybe even consider only having him when you can be with him the whole time ex. vacation.

I have to be honest with you - I feel the same way about my SS when he visits. It's not necessarily because I dislike him, however, the dynamic between my DH and him is such that I get shut-out whenever he is here. My SS is a very needy, clingy child, and my husband is a classic guilt parent. It's not a good combination.

DH is the primary caregiver of SS when he is here though. I think it if were different, my feelings of wanting SS gone would be a lot stronger. But, like I said, my SS is EXTREMELY needy and not independent at all - he requires attention every second. I don't know if your son is that way or not...

My husband and I have recently started going to counseling over this. Because, like you, my DH gets extremely offended that I don't really much to do with SS when he's at our house. However, he understands that he is encouraging some less than desireable behavior in SS and that some changes need to be made in the way he's parenting.

Anyway, I know what you're going through, but, from the other side of the coin.

Mixedfeelings, I have a question, Who takes care of your son most of the time when he there? I ask b/c I know myself and I had 2 kids for a reason. Not b/c I hate kids but b/c I get too irritated and I have no patience. My dh knew this before marring me. I do really really care for his kids but I need him to be a dad period. IF your son is clingy, or if they refuse to clean up after themselves, or if are disrespectful, or can't do things for themselves. I can't handle that. Like if I make lunch and they aren't hungry ok fine no big deal for me. However I learned that if you don;t make his kids eat they won't. well that was NOT for me. I told dh that I would make food and it was up to them to eat, I wasn't going to force them or anything. No they weren't that young either. It is just that they were used to having their mom badger them till they came to the table and eat. I on the other hand just made food and never made a big deal of and most of the time my kids came and ate, only a few times they weren't hungry so it wasn't a big deal.

My point is that maybe she is used to a different parenting style and she can't do the kids the kid is used too. Find out what her style is and try to get kid to adjust. I know my stepsons are doing very well adjusting and they really like being more independent.

So let me get this straight. (if you are truly a SD/BF)

You mean to tell me that you expect your wife to watch your son (what 4-5 days a week) and to NOT be ready for a break after 2-5 weeks straight?!

Are you KIDDING me? You should be grateful that a woman even does this for you, at ALL. Maybe she needs a break? Her kids are GROWN and she probably is TIRED after watching your son so much, at one time!

Think about it. IF your kids were grown and you FINALLY had some free time after being a FT PARENT for over 20 years, wouldn't YOU need / want a break?

Your "wife" is not the nanny. Maybe you should give her some well DESERVED fun time?

good luck.

My now 19 yr. old is gone. I gave him 6 months.

Yes, it has prevailed to their advantage.

I do believe this wife (if true) needs a real break from all of them though.

Buy her a ticket for a cruise. If feasible.

That is if she is not too busy babysitting for 2-5 weeks straight.

I think I get what you're saying. Is it that if your son isn't welcome--a child you presumably love as much as your wife loves her kids--it makes you feel like a meal ticket? Especially since your wife's children are there, so you're presumably supporting them too? If that's the case, I think you really need to talk to your wife about how you feel.

Let me say this. Being a parent is hard. Being a step parent, now that's a chore. I dont think that faking our true feelings will help us understand WHY we feel what we do...

It is hard to love a child that isn't your own. Its hard for a child to love a step parent because he/she isn't their own. Take into account the fact that the kids may not have the same rules and value system at the custodial parents ; so when they come to see you -you're appalled at the lack of manners and courtesy that they display. Many of us deal with the evil ex..that bad mouths you and talks shit, yet refuses to get off their lazy fat asses, put down the bon-bons and teach their kids some GD values. As step parents we are forced to "love" a child that isn't ours. We fix the other parents problems and play "parenting coach" to our spouse who is the bio parent of that step child. We We deal with the fact that bio- parent/spouse only has them for a few weeks in the summer and doesn't want to impose discipline because they feel "bad"

Bullshit - let me tell you. If I have to be the bad guy and piss a few people off by setting the standard, then oh F'ing well! I REFUSE, at 36 years old to tolerate insubordinate, unappreciative children in my home. If you dont like it, GET OUT! I clean this house for you, I cook your meals, buy the food, nurture you, talk to you, give you my time, take you places (and the list goes on).

We as parents need to NOT feel badly about doing our job. Societys standards today are in the potty and collectivley parents need to be strong and not fear judgement or criticizm. No matter how you look at it, someone will always have SOMETHING to say about SOMETHING - therefore. Be strong, stand your ground; and if you know you're not being an ass and you're doing the right thing then stand firm and dont apologize for Sh**. In the end, people will see, "Oh, he/she was right" - they'll wish they did things your way.

Ok let's put this in perspective. First of all, you "put up with her kids" all the time, right? And you freely tell it like it is on this forum without sugar-coating it, but just a guess that you dont TELL HER exactly what you think about her kids, right?? Why - because it would hurt her feelings, and you know you're just reacting normally to dealing with someone else's kids.

So lo and behold, she feels like she is "tolerating" your kid being there....big whoop?? Since he's YOUR kid, and he's "only 11" and isnt there as much, she's not supposed to have the same normal feelings that anyone would have about someone else's kid imposing on their life??? And she's venting it to someone else, in a different forum, and not saying anything to you. She is saving your feelings because there is no point for her to say to you that she cant wait for your kid to leave. Truth is, she cant wait for him to leave, and I can totally understand that. She's probably said similar things about her own kids?!

Dont read her fb comment to mean more than it does. Would you want your frustration with her kids translated into "you hate her kids" and other evil that you suddenly need to defend?? The fact that your son is hardly there is even MORE of a reason that it feels like an invasion that she isnt used to. And the fact that he's a BOY and he's 11 are more reasons why this whole thing would feel unnatural to her - no matter HOW she feels about your kid??

I suggest you do NOT take this so personally and you do NOT confront her with this and make her answer to it or defend it. It's a normal reaction to just wanting her regular life back. I'd feel this way about a SS, or a nephew, or any other person's kid that had to come stay in my house. Just because he's YOUR kid doesnt make him any different than any other "kid that's not hers" and that's nobody's fault. All that does is make her agree to have him there. Believe me, if she didnt love you, and know that you love your son, she would not agree to having some kid come live with you for Any amount of the summer!

I know that when my skids came for the entire summer, I was glad to see things go back to normal. My DH worked all the time (he was a detective). He sometimes would only come home to shower, grab a few hours of sleep and off to work again. I worked full time, had 2 bio kids of my own. His kids being there added more WORK for me. I was the maid and the cook while they stayed there watched tv, talked on the phone and played video games. My kids had chores, had to clean up behind themselves, etc not to mention the bills skyrocketed cause they were there with everything on all day long. We have never shared an account together because we didn't want BM trying to get more CS. I was responsible for all of the utilites and groceries that were sky high when they were there. I am a secretary, don't make a lot of money, don't get CS from my ex. That is money taken away from my kids. On top of that he still had to pay CS for children who weren't there for 2 1/2 mo when our visitation wasn't even court ordered for that amt of time. BM never dropped off any food for her kids. It always took us a couple of months to recover when his kids left. He did not want them doing chores because he thought they would not want to stay with him if he did. He never told them NO and always gave in when he would be home because he said he felt guilty for not being around. They would often talk about "the good ole days" in my presence which made me feel like an outsider. It just seemed like they had no regard for my feelings. When they were at our house, I felt like an outsider in my own home. My kids were not allowed to lay in our bed or to use our bathroom because we agreed that this was OUR sacred place, but when skids were there and DH couldn't say NO, he did not feel that the same rules should apply until I almost walked in on his son taking a bath in our bathroom with me getting ready to surprise him by joining him. Now how embarrassing would that have been for the BOTH of us. I would come home ready to slip into something more comfortable to find them all lying on OUR bed talking. They wouldn't even leave once I walked in. Yes, I felt like they were intruding. No one wants to tell their spouse that they do not adore their skid. I can guarantee you that if she came to you with her feelings, that would start a fight because you would not be able to understand why she has these feeling about the child you love. Sometimes it takes time for those feelings to form. She is not his mother and has not been around him as much as you have. From MY experience, I tried talking to my DH about the not so cozy feelings I was having only to get my feelings hurt and told I was a bad person because he automatically expected me to love children that I had no clue existed and had no connection to before I met him. Even if she does care for your child, which I am sure she does, she will NOT feel the same way you do about him. Being a stepparent is NOT easy, it's one of the hardest things I have ever done and if I ever had to do it all over again...there would NOT be enough money in the world that could convince me to do it again. If her children are grown, even though they still live there, she does not have to take care of them like she would an 11 year old. I know that I am a person who does not accept change very well. You won't know why she feels this way until you ask. If you do want to talk with your wife about her feelings, please do so with an open mind. You have to be open to hearing things you may not like. Maybe it's not him she's ready to get rid of after all. Maybe it's her routine and normalcy that she misses. Even 2 weeks can seem like a long time when you have to do something you are out of practice doing. Doesn't sound like she is mistreating your kid b/c if it weren't for FB, you would have never know that she felt this way. Not siding with anyone, just trying to give you a different perspective.

First,just wondering why bd insist on having extended summer visitation if they aren't willing to take the time to spend with their own kids? Any dads out there that want to answer? I'm a stay at home mom to 3 kids under the age of 5! THAT is my job. Do I get paid? No. In fact I don't get vacation time, paid time off, lunch breaks, etc. It's a tough job but I do it for my kids and because daycare for 3 wouldn't be worth it. Yes, I am college educated too. All that said, just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I should get taken advantage of. My dh insists on having my ss stay the 30 days with us (we split it up too) even though HE is working. He won't even take a vacation week off to spend with his son. Dh sets the dates and I just have to deal. Do you know how adding just ONE child changes things? It's not just one extra at dinnertime. My ss is 12, soi know how demanding your son may be. Kids that age feel the need to be entertained. Your wife is probably having a hard time
trying to keep him from being bored. She's also probably not used to being around kids anymore. How old is she? I assume older since her kids are older. She may be too tired to deal with an energetic kid. Or maybe she's getting worn out. Her kids are independent- they can feed/cook for themselves, do their own laundry, come and go as they please. That is what she is accustomed to. So yes, having a child for weeks at a time is going to be hard on her. No wonder she can't wait to be 'kid free' because she doesn't have to deal with kids daily. Let me guess, the reason you decided to break the time up was probably because she suggested it, right? She was trying to tell you then that she can't do it and needs your help. She needs you to be around more. If you want him for 5 weeks then you need to take at least a week off during that time to spend with him. Why should the responsibility fall on her? YOU want visitation that long with YOUR son then YOU should spend most of the time
with him. And your son prob feels the same way, btw. Do you think be wants to be home with his step-mom and 2 way older step-siblings? He wants to be with you. I'm sorry this turned to a rant but just my opinion from your wife's view.

It sounds to me like your son does not come to visit very frequently... i.e a "summer visit" and what? holidays? If so then i can imagine that your wife probably has not formed a strong bond with him and thus in her mind he is more of a "visitor" to your household than a family member. I also think you may be reading too much into her "kid free" comments... heck my hubby says that about his OWN kids sometimes... we are used to having them a day here and there so sometimes when they come for a week it is a shock to both our systems!

As for her kids living with you, they are quite a bit older and therefore i would assume more self sufficient than an 11 YO. And if you are working all day while she has to entertain said 11 YO I can see where she would be ready for a break.

Why are you reading her facebook? It maybe that she knows how important the visits are to you so she says nothing to but needs a place to vent. And it is difficult to amuse someone else's kid, I know that sometimes I feel like a babysitter. He may also be bored, maybe a YMCA day camp or something for the weeks that he's here? I know that around here we have sailing camp, football camp, swim camp, whatever his interests are, I'm sure that there is a camp for it. Try to make the visit about you and him as much as possible...and the your skids....well come vent...we'll listen. Just be patient with her.

We don't have this problem. Our son (my SS) visits his SpermClan for 5wks in the summer so summer is a break for us.

You said it very well and need to tell your DW what you told us.

"I've put up with her loud mouthed, disrepectful, self-centered, inconsiderate, heathens who treat my wife like crap, want everything handed to them. But out of the love I have for my wife I tolerate them, but now my wife all of a sudden has a problem with my eleven year old son, he's eleven for god's sake, and I would love to be there all the time when he's there but someone has to work and provide, which is a whole other issue, idk guys i'm just at my wits end with it all. It just hurts to think that no one wants my son there, kinda makes me wonder if I'm even wanted there."

Of course you will want to tone down your opinion of her kids to avoid putting her immediately in to "defend the cubs" mode but your message is sound and valid IMHO.

Best regards.

sorry, but I think you are out numbered here and I agree with the most of the other posts. Whether you saw it on FB or not, it really doesn't matter. I feel for your wife because I am also a SM of a SS14 who is here week on/week off and I am the only person that ever makes him do a thing when he is at our house. I ask him if he has homework, help him do his homework, take him to get haircuts, make him clean his room, etc. His dad knows that I have a hard time disengaging myself even though I always threaten to do so, so he sits back and lets me be the disciplinarian and 'bad guy'. I appreciate that you need to work; however he is your son and your responsibility. My guess is the same as others who already mentioned, you likely have the guilt of not having him very often and do very little parenting (which I can also relate to because I also have 2 older children (23 & 21) who I don't have FT and often get trapped into the guilt and overlook stuff once in a while); however it is still up to you to make sure that you parent your son so he will respect you. Your wife should not feel at all guilty about wanting to have her space back after giving up her summer vacation to take care of your 11 yr old while you are at work.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH THESE COMMENTS, I AM A STEPMOM AND MY DAUGHTER (STEP) COMES TO VISIT AND I STEP IN AS THE MOM WHEN MY HUSBAND'S WORK. THAT IS WHAT A BLENDED FAMILY IS. REALLY? WHY SHOULD THE CHILD BE TREATED LIKE HE OR SHE DOES NOT MATTER, YOU MARRIED INTO A FAMILY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN, IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU ALL TALK ABOUT THE PROS AND CONS AND WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOES NOT WORK. BUT DON'T MAKE THE CHILD FEEL LIKE HE OR SHE DOES NOT FIT IN. SERIOUSLY, NO ONE EVER THINKS OF THE CHILD AND I SO SAD TO SEE THIS. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP WITH THE CHILD, DON'T MARRY SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN. WHEN WE MARRIED IT WAS 100% ON EACH SIDE, NOT JUST 50/50. THESE KIDS DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. MY DAUGHTER WAS TREATED AS IF SHE WAS NOT WANTED WHEN SHE VISITED HER DAD FOR THE SUMMER. I WATCHED IT BREAK HER DOWN, IT KILLED HER EVERY TIME. SHE WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH HER DAD AND HER STEP MOM MADE IT CLEAR IT WAS A BURDEN TO HER AND THEY HAD KIDS TOGETHER. UNFORTUNATELY MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH EITHER OF THEM. VERY SAD.

YOU NEED TO TALK WITH YOUR WIFE.... SIT DOWN WITH HER AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. THEN, MAKE A PLAN.
MAYBE PICK A WEEK THAT YOU CAN TAKE OFF AS WELL SO YOU CAN SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR SON. IF SHE IS SO BURDENED WITH HIM, SEND HIM TO A FUN DAY CAMP, SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE FUN FOR HIM AND SO HE DOES NOT FEEL UNWANTED. IF YOU DON'T THINK HE FEELS IT, YOU ARE WRONG. HE DOES. YES THESE KIDS ARE RESILIENT, BUT THEY TOO HAVE FEELINGS AND IT DOES EFFECT THEM. THEY JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVED AND WANTED. THEY WISH THEIR PARENTS NEVER DIVORCED, STOP PUNISHING THEM.

A STEP MOM WHO HAS MADE ROOM IN HER HEART AND HOME FOR HER STEP DAUGHTER.

OP- maybe you are just over sensitive to your wife's reaction. Is your relationship good aside from skid issues?

Are you surprised that she feels that way? Maybe she is just venting. Maybe it's she who needs to just get away while you have dad/son time.

I feel for you. My fiance dislikes my children (6 and 3) because well..they are 6 and 3 years old push boundaries and sometimes talk back and he hates that (his 7 years old is a "angel" haha) His son can do no wrong and is perfect. If he hurts my 6yo ever his dad always finds a exscuse as to why its valid he hit or pushed. But if MY son does it my fiance' encourages his son to hit back and take no shit.

It hurts A LOT knowing them man I love dislikes my two little boys who did not ask for him to be anyone to them and who all they want is his attention (they do have a wonderful dad but when they are here they want him too) I am lucky that he and his stepbrothers get along great but my fiance' hates them.

It hurts and makes you question your relationship. I'm sorry you feel that noone wants him (or you?) there but I doubt they don't want you . I am starting to dread the days my kids come because there is such tension waiting for my fiance' to pick apart my kids or tell me they are bad or annoying..

I wish I had some words of encouragement for you. Hang in there I know the boat your in

OK here goes... I don't even like my OWN children at times - and I love them... I can be honest and tell you very clearly I have mixed emotions about my step children. I like them and then I can't stand them.. And they are grown. Your wife feels she is saddled with your son during his extended visits. She feels put out. The solution is for you to spend more time with your child yourself. Talk with your wife about this... Of course be prepared that she is going to be put out that you were snooping in her personal emails...Men have this belief that we women will love all children - both our own and then others as well. It does not work like that for all of us...and anybody that has step-children that says different is a liar, liar pants on fire....