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What do I do about my apparent lack of POWER?

NinjaHound's picture

I am in a relationship with a super sweet girl, (when she is in a good mood)and her 3 kids, 6, 9, and 14. Basically, I was totally single for a long time before coming into this relationship. NOW, I come in, and the 14 year old (virtually...) inherits my Xbox360 and tv, they are now in HIS room. And the 3 kids DO NOT take care of my belongings, they do not give a rip if my stuff gets ruined, damaged, or lost. And, they do NOT have any ANY consequences for doing stuff that is wrong or innappropriate. They throw whatever around the room in a tantrum to get what they want. They do not care a bit about other people's property, especially my 350+ DVDs that are now part of the household.
Last night the 14 year old his mother and I got into it about him leaving my Xbox360 turned on all night every night and not to mention basically turned on from when he gets home from school. Basically, he says that is actually good for the Xbox, to be on ALL the time retaining the amount of heat it generates, I said it was BAD for it, and MOM takes HIS side of course, even though she has no clue abut Xboxes, computers, or the like. (I have already been almost completely hindered from playing, unless she is busy and he is at school or a friend's house.) Finally I got to play for more than 20 minutes last weekend, and she comes in in the middle of an Xbox Live match, and expects me to instantly drop everything, and all she wanted was a kiss- why the heck didn't she just say that? But it caused an arguement, so now I feel like I can't play at all- this is what I like to do for fun, but if I am going to get into fights just for having fun, then I guess I do not get to have fun.
This is only one topic of consternation, there are plenty of other subjects that are huge issues that we deal with. But, my problem with it all, is that I seem to have NO POWER AT ALL, I do not win arguements, I get told what to do, I get the POOP chores in the household, (Garbage, dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and she did have me doing the cat-box although we are in sharp dispute over that issue at the moment, I am living like a house wife!) AND- I cannot play my XBOX because HE is always on it, and when I get the chance once every week or LESS at times, it is 20 minutes if I'm lucky before she demands I do something. AAARRRGGHH!!!! Do I step up and put my foot down or will that signal the end of the relationship? (The boys both sleep in the room the Xbox is in and if I take it out they will not be able to watch dvds at bedtime, and the younger would be "punished" indirectly, by me taking my Xbox from the older brother. However, I do not think they should be watching movies at midnight or after, they should ALL be asleep by then, but the older often STARTS movies at 12:30 to 1:30 in the morning! What do I do about this household's LACK of discipline??? -NH

Angel's picture

I am sorry to be so blunt, but you are on the losing end of a no-win situation. Save yourself.

sarahbernheart's picture

how long have you been together?
if you plan on making this work you all need to have a good old fashion sit down.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

ColorMeGone2's picture

Yes, you should definitely take a stand/put your foot down and yes, it will likely mean the end of the relationship.

If you want to give it a shot, though, I would approach her first about coming up with a discipline game plan. Something formal and in writing, a list of house rules and consequences for breaking them, that you both agree to 100% and that you communicate clearly to all kids. One of your rules can be that your things are your things and you expect to be asked IF they can be used and you reserve the right to say NO to protect your belongings as needed. But really, for this to work both of you need to be on board with some kind of discipline plan and she has to give you equal authority as a co-parent in the home. It's no wonder her children don't respect you or your things, because SHE obviously doesn't respect you or your things. The kids are just modeling their mother's behavior. Your problem really is less with them and more with her.

Welcome, by the way. It's nice to have another man here. Steve and Kevin are pretty much responsible for the entire male POV here.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

smurfy1smile's picture

Relationships are hard but when you can't even use your own stuff there is a huge problem. What next - the 14 year old gets your car at 16? No way. My SO (we lived together and choose not to get married - both burned too bad) and I parent the kids together - one is ours together (SO adopted my 12 year old daughter)and the other 2 are just mine. I do most of the rule setting and disapline since I work from home. I do run stuff by my SO if I am not sure what to do about something or just to let him know what is going on. I believe in sharing but to what extent - you should have a say in your stuff. My SO and I both have laptops and desk tops. The kids are not allowed to use the laptops except on long car trips to watch movies and they have to ask to use the desktops.

I am sorry you have to go through this but I say get the heck out. Save yourself.

NinjaHound's picture

If you want something done right, do it before she orders you to!
Well, Thank you all for responding to my dilemma. There seems to be a resounding plot from most of you- I should get out! And believe me, I have THOUGHT about it! For weeks!! But there is another tiny bit of info, she is pregnant. There is a chance that I am not the father, a .oooo326% chance to be certain. Which means there is a 99.0000784% chance that I am the father. Ok, I'm being a bit corny here. I'm the dad- and leaving now would be abandoning my own son/daughter, my first. Don't get me wrong, I would pay child support as much as possible, and be a part of my child's life, but I would rather him/her had a stable family. I can still put up with a whole lot more, but there will HAVE to be some change. I already plan on getting another Xbox, and when the Xbox Sam is using explodes,too bad fer him. I just hope I can get work soon, so that I can afford to start figuring out a way to earn money online. Seems like a major recession is around the bend. Depression?? Thanks for all your replies.

smurfy1smile's picture

You don't have a job?!?! If she is working and you are not working and hanging out at home then yes you should be taking care of the house. Women did it for many years while the man worked, therefore you are no different. You forgot to mention the baby til later.

Its your call to stay or go but realize in MN both parents incomes or potential income are used to calcualte child support. GET A JOB!

iwishyouwould's picture

It seems to me like the issues you have arent with the girl you are in a relationship with but with your living situation. You're having roommate issues! Try to treat it as such as not as a failing part of the relationship, which its really not. You said you just moved in together AND she has kids on top of it so not only are you having roommate issues with her but with three other people/kids as well. Sit down and work it out like you would the first week or so in your new dorm or apartment. If you're not contributing financially to the household that youre in, then it seems fair to me that you do a lot of the actual taking care of the house stuff. I dont see any reason to run from what you've said - and congrats on the baby!

Angel's picture

more "toys" is only a band-aid hun! I guess you're in a pickle with a baby on the way. Good luck.

stepwitch's picture

Choose wisely who you procreate with. I had no idea what the hell she meant until I was 30y/o know what I mean. Anyway, too late for that. Hope it all works out for you. It probably would be a good idea to have a heart to heart and discuss the ways in which yall want to raise this child, boundaries, etc. Before baby is born. Get on the same page now, so that there is not misunderstandings. Just because she is the one with the baby in her belly, doesn't mean that the baby will be more hers. It's both of yours and you have the right also to determine the baby's future. Smile

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

NinjaHound's picture

If you want something done right, do it before she orders you to!
Well, you make some great points there. Thanks so much. Bio-Dad(s) are not in the picture for the MOST part. THe eldest sees his dad every couple months, maybe not even that often, but he is the most active of the three dads and he is fairly inactive. And he shouldn't even have the right to see his son in my opinion since he doesnt pay a dime of child support. Deadbeat. About setting some boundaries as to gain a little respect, I'm already working on that, hope that I can think of the right approach. We shall see!

sarahbernheart's picture

you want your baby to have a stable family?
how can that be when instablity rules your home.
a baby does complicate things but it should not change the fact that what is going on in your home right now is wrong..
what happens when the baby comes? what will their reaction be?
A baby wont know a single parent home from a two parent home if it is raised by a single parent.
I am sorry Ninja but unless you get Boundries addressed NOW you are in for a lot of heart ache.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

gertrude's picture

Wow - you sound like you are in a tough spot. But, not sharing is ok. I've been through a reduced version of this with my DH and my SD. When she moved back in, the general assumption was that SD would drive our vehicles. My DH has a brnd new truck, and I have a car that is still getting paid off. SD is under 25. UM NO! I had DH go find out the insurance costs for an under 25 y/o driver. HAHAHA - um NO! Then he wanted to just let her use our cars, no! I had a talk with our agent, and had our agent talk with him. Frankly, I drive my car and he drives his truck - we rarely drive each other's vehicle. AND - my SD has her own car now - and neither of us are supposed to drive it. That is as it should be - it is ok to have your own things. My SD is NOT allowed to play on my PC without asking me. She has usurped my DH's PC so much, that he finally told her off about it. It is OK not to share - especially when they are adult things that require responsibility.

I recommend removing the Xbox from the boys room. Keep it in your car, keep it anywhere - but there is NO reason why they should be allowed to acquire it! You can ask them to play with you, when you feel like it. I would be surprised if your SO would take this as an ultimatum and call you out on it.

As for the cat box? Is it your cat? My SD brought a cat with her when she moved back in. And yes - it was the source of a delightful and enduring discussion. I did not have a cat, I will not take care of one. Although I am alergic, the real reason is that I didn't want to! And there was no reason I should. NOT MY CAT! If she doesn't take care of it - like the cat box, then out it goes. Is this an ultimatum? Why yes, in fact it is. Oh well.

it seems each day like I have to say a new limit outloud that I never thought of. (Like telling my SD she had to wear a shirt in the living room!) Who would have thought? EH?

It sounds like you want to stay, and take care of your new little one. Great. Set your rules now. It will be twice as hard once the new one gets here!

NinjaHound's picture

You all have given me alot to consider, about my belongings, and about standing up for myself. And the truth is, that I can not leave her just yet, but I already know what she is capable of. And I know that she is very defensive when it comes to her kids. But I need to address a few issues- and I think I will give 1 sturdy warning to the stepkid with my Xbox. I will not just take it away- but after getting away this weekend, which he did not deserve anyway, he had better stop treating me like shit, that is what I will tell him, and if he persists, The boc is out. And I will tell his mom about it before I tell him about it.

stronggirl's picture

it will only get worse, you are right they should not be watching dvds until midnight, I took the Tv out of my Ss room and now he sleeps on the couch when he comes over. It is yours and I would take it out - let her deal with it. If she wants to use her $300 plus let her but whether you play it at all is not the problem, it is yours and they do not respect it!

run

NinjaHound's picture

I need to mention that she does NOT work, she gets SSI for several medical problems. She makes around $1200/month Net, including food-stamps. I have not had work, but have been looking for work very hard. We have had so many nasty battles over my "lack of effort", when the truth is that she refuses to acknowledge the extenuating circumstances. The car has broke down a couple times, blew 2 tires, and had serious coolant issues in the last 4 months, and to add to that we have not had money for gas and have been on "E" most of the time, and right now it is not running at all due to the alternator. So, using the car to go where the employment is, has not been an option. We have been forced to wait, and hope that I get work nearby, and I just got hired, but don't start till April 14th. At least I'll have work!
But, in addition to that, I do MOST of the house chores, all the dishes, all the garbage, half the cooking, the vast majority of the laundry, half the vaccuming, I don't want to do all this stuff but I do. And my actual alloted chores are dishes, kitchen, garbage, and I still do extra. The only times I ever have a problem with doing my chores is when I am ordered around rudely, when in MY opinion it can wait. Then we get into it. But GOD- I am getting so tired of the darn kids getting whatever they want whenever they want, and just in the past couple weeks they have started to realize that they do NOT have to ever worry about punishment, so they have started a whole new level of disobedience. I did not even know there was a worse level. Next, grabbing knives and going after the parents. I intend on leaving as soon as I can. I will NOT be a part of a family where I get trampled every day by MOM when I step up and get involved in a situation where she is not willing to do anything, so I try, and get trampled by her, and by the kids because they are just defiant and try to USE me to get them stuff all the time, take them places, and stuff like that. I will still be nice and let Valerie know about my decision, but she will have to PROVE her sincerity if she wants me to change my mind this time. At least we will not hate each other.

laurels4u's picture

And I have a f/t job with a B.S. in Ed.! Sweet mother of God, do as Iron Maiden says, and run for the hills, run for your life! You already said you don't want to be part of a family in which you get trampled on but the sad truth is, you already are being trampled on. Unless you start playing a better offense, you are always going to be on the defense and the ball will always be in her/their court. Stand strong, ninja. Do what is best for you!

All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!

Military Dad's picture

Like others on this post/subject, I agree! Without wasting too much time on this - With respect to you and your SO, You two need to send the kids to a reliable friend or family member briefly - so that you both have some ADULT time in a "VERY SERIOUS" discussion on your plans of staying together, leaving, rules, whats best for the kids FIRST, then whats best for you second. You both need to compromise - if she is reluctant in doing so, then my second approach would be to join a good church. These kids need an outlet with good morals and to be surrounded by other kids that are in a strong positive setting. Not trying to sale christianity, but trust me partner - You would feel much better if you and your SO visited a good wholesome church that "CAN HELP" in solving all of your issues. Its not going to be easy, but atleast you will have an extended family that you can "share" your ideas and life experiences with. Furthermore, you want be in it alone. I don't walk around with the bible my friend, but if I was in that situation, and considering trying everything that you have read on this post/subject - I would either RUN or FIGHT. Choose the hard right over the easy wrong. I know its difficult, but stop trying to tackle this by yourself. You will loose if you continue. Life is too short for you and your unborn child to "settle" for less. You deserve so much. Remember, your decisions will certainly impact your childs life. Choose wisely.. Good luck!

dragonfly's picture

OMG! YOU LOVE THIS WOMAN THAT MUCH?? NO MAN OR WOMAN SHOULD BE PUTTING UP WITH BEING TREATED LIKE THAT..IF U THINK SHE IS WORTH IT THEN TRY TO TALK TO HER AND SET SOME RULES. AND ABOUT YOUR XBOX AND MOVIES I WOULD BE MORE CAREFUL AND TAKE IT BACK AFTER ALL THESE ARE UR THINGS. I KNOW I DON'T LIKE ANYONE TOUCHING MY PSP OR MOVIES YET ALONE TAKING THEM AND MESSING WITH THEM. THESE THINGS ARE PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. I LOVE VIDEO GAMES AND SO DOES MY HUSBAND AND WHENEVER HE IS PLAYING I EITHER JOIN HIM OR LEAVE HIM ALONE.

DON'T LET THESE KIDS RUN ALL OVER U AND TELL UR GIRL THAT IF SHE LOVES U THEN SHE IS GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE AS WELL AS HER KIDS..AND WHAT IS UP WITH HER ONLY BEING SWEET WHEN SHE IS IN A GOOD MOOD???
IF I WAS IN UR PLACE I WOULD GET OUT ASAP CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE SHE DOES NOT CARE FOR U (SORRY..)LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHO WILL APPRECIATE U AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH U Smile

dragonfly's picture

ok! i missed that part that says that u don;t have aq job and ur girl is pregnant... whole different story dude ...i'll get back to u later..

Catch22's picture

Cause she's pregnant and you don't have a job. A broken down car isn't a reason not to have a job. Can't you get public transport? She may need to control her kids but if none of the dads have helped her, she may not know which way to go about this. Perhaps some gentle nudging at the kids helping out?
You could try to help her to gain some order with the kids.

Maybe start with some soft conversation about how we should start getting he kids used to helping out around the house so when the baby comes and I am at work, they can help you with a few chores. Start setting bedtimes. My BS15 has to be in bed by 9.30 on school nights and he can watch telly in bed for up to an hour, no longer. Or he can stay up til 10pm with no TV. How do these kids get up and have a healthy day at school with this lack of sleep?? my son has trouble dragging his butt out of bed in the morning even with a harder bedtime...

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Totalybogus's picture

This woman is now going to have 4 kids from 4 different men AND living off the system. Dude what have you gotten yourself into. You are just a means to an end. Get your car fixed. Get a job. AND GET OUT.