Trying to do the right thing
Hello everyone,
I have been doing research on being a step parent and found this site. I have never had kids and was raised strict growing up. I have 3 step kids now, ages 7, 15 and 17. The middle one is great! we are alot alike and have a good relationship. She listens and when i ask her to do something she just does it and no issues.
The 17 yo is another story. We have been butting heads since pretty much day 1. Now that he is almost graduating, he feels he is an adult and can do whatever he wants. He lashes out at his sisters and mom and there is no discipline whatsoever! Its always idle threats and they know this. I ask him do to something and immediately he pouts and gets upset and tried to ignore what i have asked him. After asking nicely twice i get upset and then its no longer asking. As soon as i raise my voice and get him to take care of what i asked, he texts his mom and starts the poor me deal. Once the wife comes home she is upset at me for getting after him and then i get the cold shoulder. The same goes with the youngest. She is the little princess and does no wrong. I treat all 3 the same and they all 3 know that when i say something that i dont give idle threats, i will follow through with what i say. The 15 yo seems to always get the bad end. I see it, and my family has seen it. I have spoken with my wife about all of this and as soon as i say anything i get the "im sorry im such a bad parent" deal. I just want to be on the same page with discipline and it feels like every time i get after the kids, the mom is always trying to calm them down and does not stand behind me with anything. It makes me always look like the bad guy. It is really putting a strain on our ralationship to where i just want to be by myself. I am at the point where i do not like even being around the other 2 kids because i get frustrated in the way they talk to their mom and do not listen to what they are told. What advice you may have would be greatly appreciated.
If the mom
Have you had a serious in depth conversation about any of this with the mom? Telling her exactly how you feel no matter how harsh? Perhaps family couciling, or marriage couciling?
It doesn't work for a
It doesn't work for a stepfather to come in and be the New Sheriff in town, for all the reasons you've outlined. The kid won't have it and the bio parent undermines you. If she valued him doing the things you want him to do, she'd enforce it herself.
The best you can do is figure out what rules you need to be sane (not to make the kids better people) and see if she will enforce them. Don't hold your breath. She's been a weak parent for 17 years and she's not likely to change that.
conversations with the mom
Yea i have tried having a few conversations and as soon as i bring up things that are bothering me with the kids, she gets on the defensive and starts talking about how shes sorry for being a bad parent and that she doesnt feel like my house is "ours" and is always walking on eggshells. Ive come to the point where it is just wasting my breath to even bring it up.
I purchased my house about 2 years before we met and have always kept it spotless. Once kids come into picture, things go to hell. I come to grips with all that but the disrespect of the oldest having his dog on furniture, not cleaning up after his dog, not doing chores like mowing lawn and helping around the house and messing up my doors and walls in the house. I cant just blow that off. I pay the mortgage and bills and to have someone basically give me the finger and do what they want??? That doesnt fly in my world and i hit the roof and get pissed. I can only be nice for so long before i tell him exactly how it will be at my house. I have never treated my wife badly or said anything about things she wants to do around the house. Because i get on the kids for things they do to my things she automatically feels like its not her house and tells me that. If she would just crack down on them and make them keep things nice and not tear up brand new furniture and appliances, maybe they would learn how to take pride in things.
I actually am excited to come to work so i can unwind. I am always pissed at home because ive said all i can say. Its so frustrating when your on different pages and dont have back up on discipline!
Oh my...you had a brand new home & moved all of them in?
WOW!
I can even better imagine your frustration here. Seeing it being disrespected and it sounds like ruined before your eyes.
My DH had his own home when we married, and I have taken excellent care of it, conditioning the wooden cabinets and trim work, waxing the floors, treating and conditioning the leather furniture, shampooing the carpets every 6 nonths, taking care of the yard, basically taking better care of it than many others would if they came on board and knew it wasn't theirs, and they had no claim to it. My attitude was, "I live here, and I have pride in how I live." Of course, I did not bring any kids into the home, as we both had raised our kids by then.
How sad is it that your home is not your haven and place of comfort? You actually have to go to work to get a break! That is really terrible.
It sounds like your wife has tuned you out. To her you probably sound like the teach on "Peanuts" and she is just mentally pressing her "ignore" button.
Whatever you do,do not buy into her "it's not my home" thing, feel guilty and BUY A HOME WITH HER, as that will complicate things even further.
Do you have a prenup? What state are you in?
Thanks for respose
I live in Oregon. She treats me very well and will do most anything for me so the only issue we are having is with the kids...which is a huge issue! Its even worse now after a few months after posting this thread. I am at my wits end and am basically a loner when i get home. My happiness is when i get to see my dogs and spend time with them. Other than that i cant wait to get ready and go to work. I dont enjoy doing my hobbies anymore and when i am on my days off and am home in the evenings i just get dinner and take into the room and eat by myself so i dont have to listen to all the BS. I should be happy being married especially with a woman like her but the kids totally ruin it for me. I dont plan on buying a home with her. I am just hoping i can last for another year when he is 18 and out of high school and then i am breaking the news that he is out of the house. Ive already decided that not matter what she thinks about it, he will be out after he graduates! I know it will be a big load off my chest once he is gone.
I would put the 17 year old on notice since he is an "adult"
that from this day forward he will be expected to behave as an adult, and not just "cherry pick" when he wants to be one. This will require him to get a job, pay for all of his food, rent , clothing, (I presume he drives) car payment, insurance, gas , needed repairs, cell phone bill and any other expenses he chooses to incur. I would also take him to a military recuiter and introduce him to a steady job that he cannot quit when the spirit moves him to do so, enabling him to cry to mommy and let her "fix it." Adults suck it up and are responsible, and they don't run crying to mommy to fight their battles.
Sadly, the reality is, you have a horrible WIFE problem. She will not be behind you and get on board with your line of thinking because she feels guilty, and wants to be the "Fairy GOOD Mother" and make it up to her kids for breaking up their "happy home." This can only mean you have been vanquished to "bad guy' status, as you want civility and discipline in the home.
It sounds like you have already checked out emotionally and once that has happened, it is very difficult, if not impossible to reign in those feelings and "bring back that lovin' feelin'."
I feel sorry for you and the middle child. It sounds like if you leave, she will really suffer as she seems to respect you and has a desire to please you because of it.
You need to do what brings you peace. Our little trip around the sun only lasts for so long, and it's not a dress rehearsal. There are no "do overs" in life, only new beginnings and starting over.
Good luck. You sound like a good man with no kid baggage, whose heart and mind are in the right place. I would love a husband who thinks like you do. If I ever marry again,the pre-requisite will be that man will not be a father.
You hit the nail on the head!!!
This is what i have been telling her for months, he needs to learn that the real world out there is a tough place and you cant always run to mom to fix everything. He has a car and he did pay for it himself, but she has been giving him money for gas, helping him with insurance, paying his cell bill, helping him purchase needed parts....the list goes on.
I believe that at 17 he should be working a part time job and paying for his own phone, gas and insurance. He even had the nerve yesterday to come in and ask her how much he gets when we get the government stipend for this covid19 deal? He had heard that people with children get 500 for each child so figures that should be his money?!?!?! Its absolutely absurd!
I got into it with him yesterday for yelling at his sister when she was laying on her bed reading not bothering anyone. His mom supposedly had a talk with him about it and then he goes in and starts yelling at his sister demanding her to go look for his shirt. I had enough and jumped his ass like never before. I know i was out of line the way i handled it but i have had it with this kid! I cant even stand to be around him. I shouldnt feel this way but i have tried many times to talk with him and try to resolve things to no avail.
I have been thinking exactly what you wrote about emotionally checking out and thats where i am at. Its almost like we are roomates instead of husband and wife. Its really sad that i am at this point. The middle child is awesome and she really leans on me to talk about things and can open up to me knowing i listen to her. She feels so alone like she has nobody to talk to and appreciates having me there for her. I hate the thought of leaving...it would make me feel like i am ditching her and would crush her. I really need to figure out what i need to do for my mental health! Thank you for all the advice
Don't discuss it. Document
Don't discuss it. Document and when DW starts her defense of the SKids just roll out the documented facts.
"I asked Z to do hsi chores. He failed to do as asked. I asked X more times. He failed to do as asked, so I quit asking and hovered over him until he completed the request. I will not tollarate this carp, the kids know it, you know it. So... this discussion is over. If you do not like how I parent and discipline then you step up and get it done before I have to."
All that has to happen is for DW to actually parent and/or the kids need to do as they are asked.
This is not your problem but if DW wants for you to continue to be her DW she needs to extricate her head from her ass, put you and the marriage as her priority and step up and parent.
Great idea
I have thought about doing that very thing but never have. I always try to remember but then when i go to say something i am so mad at the time i forget everything so the list idea is perfect! Maybe then she will get the point.
There are great responses here .. I'll echo some
Yes, you cannot be the Sherriff. Yes, it is high time to get DW and yourself into a Good quality counselor's office. I just posted a rambling Blog about Bio partners. This is simple and if you love her you may have to work hard to get her on board. They are CHILDREN including the 17 year old. Oh and don't think 17 is going to launch in a year. My homebound SS is 28. BIO Mom/DW needs to realize that you and she set the rules of the house. These aren't to be mean, they are to make the home a nice place where you all want to be at any moment; it is to help the children to grow, launch and be young people you are very proud of in a few years. She has to work with you. Just reading these responses, it feels that I am in good company and many have gone through the same thing.
It's worth the fight. Talk with her, talk with a counselor, talk with her and the counselor ... until she realizes that she needs to contribute to the marriage as well. At one point, I gave up my fight and it cost me heavily. splash on some cold water, step back into that ring and don't stop. Dear BIO mom ... STOP!!! Be an equal partner to your husband
Thank you!
I think you are right in that we should go to counseling with this issue. I know i am not perfect and i dont do everything the correct way but in my opinion giving in the kids just to keep them from complaining is not the way to handle things! I have been telling him for 2 years now that once he is graduated he will be on his own. He knows i mean what i say, he has seen it multiple times with other things. I know he is stressed over it because i have told him that in front of his mom multiple times and she just gets quiet. I can guarantee that after graduation he will be moving out because he will be a supposed adult and i will literally move the stuff out myself...i have done that in the past with an Ex girlfriend i had years ago. I really am at the point where when im giving him the boot, i dont care how upset it makes her. I understand its her kid and she worries about him and wants to be there, but at this age its time to do things for himself. I shouldnt have to hate going to my own house and stress when i get off work to go home. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my home now be pissed seeing messes everywhere and doors broken, holes in bedroom wall, new appliances messed up. Who lets their kids run the house like that???