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Step daughter wants to live with her Bio dad, and is being cruel to make it happen

confusedbyteens's picture

I have always had a decent relationship with my step daughter. I came into her life when see was 7 years old and had thought we had build a fairly strong and healthy relationship over the past 7 years. She lives with us Monday - Friday and is at her dads every weekend. Her bio dad has always been absent when it was not his time and complains constantingly about paying child support. When custody was first determined my wife offered 50/50 but he declined and requested only Wednesdays from 9am - 3pm and Saturday overnight. We have allowed him to see her more because it is what she wanted. Recently she decided that she wants to live with her father during the week and with us on weekends, which seems like an ok change, but she is a freshman in highschool on track to complete her associates degree and highschool diploma at the same time, which took alot of work. If she goes to live with her father she will have to transfer schools to one close to him as he is unwilling to driver her to her current buss stop.

The problem we are having is that while we are open to a change in her living situation she can not give any reason why she wants to live with her father but instead has become cruel to her mother. Saying she hates living here, is unhappy, and wants to live with her dad. I do not know how to help her mom deal with the pain that she is causing as well as keeping her from overracting and packing up SD belongings and dropping off to her, thereby washing her hands of her. 

Bio dad lies about why the relationship ended, and while he is engaged to the woman he cheated on my wife with, which is what caused the split, he still fills SD head with lies and she believes him. If anyone has any advise on how to make this transition without destroying any relationship that we have with SD it woudl be greatly appriciated. Overall, we both feel like we have failed and I feel used and unappriciated. 

Survivingstephell's picture

My oldest put me thru this.  I let her go and she was back in 6 months.  Her dad filled her head with visions of sugarplums and candy and fed her bread and water.  Literally.  She was a nutitional mess when she came back.  Sometimes you need to let them experience the reality of their other parent full force.  She is now 26, married and launched.  She doesn't have much of a relationship with her father but that's on them, not me.  

She might be on track to wonderful things BUT she might not want them.  This might be her way of getting out of it.  There might be a boy at the other school, she might be running from something at her school.  Allowing her to be nasty without consequences though is not a good plan.  She needs to be reminded that as long as she lives with you, she will treat the adults with the respect they deserve.  No if ands or buts.  

If you do decide to let her go, make her return fit the school schedule so she gets credit for the classes at the other school.  

Thumper's picture

Let her live with her bio father. Unless he is a convicted meth addicted and did time in the brink. OR has a felony for child neglect I don't know why custodial parents refuses to grasp the concept that kids need both mom and dad equally.

Whether or not he tells lies is subjective. What did he say? he went to the Moon in 1968 or he is a secrete agent for the FBI. OR did he tell his daughter that he tried to keep the family together and her mom cheated on him? Did he tell his daughter he cant afford to go to Disney World because all his money is going to your home? What he tells her doesnt matter.

A custodial parents duty is to insure the child has access to the ncp. Your sd wants to live with dad...let her. Oh and yes you family will have to pay dad child support. I doubt you will like it ether. It might be a good thing to stop all cs before she moves with him IF you can,. How about offering who ever has the child pays for the child. so when she comes to your place on weekends and summers and holidays your home isn't broke.

IF your unable to do 50 50 equal shared custody...dads house 1 month, moms next OR dads 1 week, moms next which i think week on week off is a nightmare, but hey thats just me.

Let her go. Kids do best in two seperate homes in two seperate dynamics following a divorce. They actually need it. If you dont believe me read all things from Dr Childress . Just google him or watch his youtube vids.

Good Luck....and wishing you the very best moving forward.

PS-call dads school district if different, and speak to Guidence. Your situation does happen more than one would think. They will work with current school and change over her records. They will let you iknow if she needs to add a class or not. THEY WILL work with her.

Dont make it a big deal or be sad or worried in front of her... MAKE it "wonderful news" she wants to live with dad.

justmakingthebest's picture

I would suggest that you guys come to an agreement with her going BUT there are stipulations. 

1) She finish this school year with you guys at her current school.

2) There is a trial period over the summer. I would recommend that she only come to your house everyother weekend. More time for her and daddy to spend together.

3) If she decides to transfer schools, she can not come home until the end of that school year. There will be no middle of the year transfers. 

Rags's picture

Time to season this kid with the facts. All of the facts.  Lather, rinse, repeat. 

She does not get to choose where she lives. There is a CO in place that stipulates that. DW needs to get over her hurt fee fees and start parenting.

SD needs to know about daddy's infidelities, and she also needs to know that she will get to choose where she lives when she either turns 18 or graduates from HS, whichever comes first. Facts are neither good nor bad.  They are merely facts. Give her the facts. Do not tolerate the "I don't know" crap. If she can't determine why she wants to do something that is just incontrovertable proof that she has no business making her own decisions.  There is more to preparing a kid for adulthood than good grades and HS/JC dual enrollment. I know. I was one of those kids and it took me far longer than HS/JC graduation to figure it out.  And I have great parents.

Catering to a child who has no business making their own decisions breeds disaster. Not only for that kid, but for anyone in the mix.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Disillusioned's picture

If she were older, then I would say let her go live with her Dad and get a much needed reality check

But at 14, gotta say I agree with Rags - she is a child and she does not get to make the adult decisions here. That's up to the adults and so yes, put hurt feelings aside and do what is best for the child