Step dad vs. Bio dad pickup/drop off
Hi guys I just found this website!
I am a step and biological dad. I have so much I'd like to discuss with you guys now that I've discovered this resource. For now I have just one, somewhat pressing matter.
I'll have many more comments and questions that I will post, I'd eventually like to get people's opinions on more details of my situation.
So very long story short, missing the volumes of details/interactions etc...
I have been involved with a custody battle since September of 2019. My ex wife AND her husband filed an emergency order against me to completely restrict my parenting time, because I got a DUI with my kids in the vehicle. Not only that, but I managed to get THREE DUI's in August of 2019. At the time they filed the order, it was deserved, that I cannot dispute. However, in the affidavit filed by my ex, she claimed that I was "always" intoxicated, and furthermore that my youngest son (10) had developed severe anxiety of being around me and my disabled daughter frequently soils her underwear during the time she spends at my house. Evidently my ex didn't feel like the truth was enough, and that the legal issues I had already created for myself weren't enough,, so she embellished some here...flat out lied over there....my kids aren't afraid of me or any person in our home. Furthermore, they love their stepmom. My youngest daughter, who as I said has a disability, she has earned the nickname "barnacle" because she practically sticks to her sm when she gets here.
Anyway, I'm short on time and getting lost in the details...
The ex wife usually has her husband do drop off and pickup. My ex and I haven't had a conversation about it but we have fought over the past year occasionally because she insists on one of them ALWAYS doing the transportation of the kids.
So what they do is they drive over to our neighbors sometimes 10 minutes early, and they park down the block. Then they pull up and park in front of my house one minute before my parenting time begins. The kids never walk up to the house or get out of the vehicle before I have shown my face and walked most of the way down to the street...we have a big yard with no driveway up to the house. So anyway I always walk my kids up to the house. Then when the kids leave (I'm still having shortened "visitation") he, step-dad, literally EVERY SINGLE TIME walks over halfway into out front yard and stands on the sidewalk while I help my daughter walk down. Then he wants to take her hand from me and walk her down the rest of the way.
This is completely unnecessary. He can sit down at the road and wait, that should go without saying. Guys, those of you know how raw all of the feelings are involving this stuff, it drives me nuts. But, admittedly, I neglected to say anything because I told myself I was keeping the peace, and I told myself "what does it really matter"
But it does for some reason matter to me. He and she have both been extremely unkind and uncooperative with both me and my wife. They have said very insulting things to us both, and been overwhelmingly condescending in their speech toward me especially...because I'm just and addict.
Well our court case is finally over! We have a progressive schedule in place for my parenting ti.e to gradually increase, and in a few months I will once again have 50% custody.
We've had one "visit" since then and the sd did it again, he walked up on my property and positioned himself in the way, and of course my daughter doesn't know MY feelings, so as she has done the past year, she naturally dropped my hand and outstretched toward sd.
My problem is that this guy and his wife have intentionally hurt me, in so many ways, and have no interest in realizing that I have worked through my issue. So, while prior to this we were all at least cordial, those days are long gone. I don't want him to even step foot on our property, and I've considered telling him that. Plus, I have such a reduced amount of time with them,, that I genuinely want to be the one holding her hand and guiding her safely down to the car. But I still have this nagging feeling like it might not be the best route.
Can you guys please give me your thoughts on this?
We have the kids today and tomorrow, and I think I want to take care of this problem today.
If I were you, I'd just let
If I were you, I'd just let it go.
No offense, and good for you for getting sober, but 3 DUIs in a month, one with the kids in the car, is a huge deal. It will take more than 1.5 years for you to earn anyone's trust back; your ex, the court, the kids, and probably your wife, if she was being honest. You clearly had a huge issue with alcohol that might just have terrified your kids, who also love you dearly and would not ever tell you so.
Just let it go. Say goodbye to your daughter, wave to her stepdad, and go back in the house. I get that they took advantage, but the truth is, you gave them the ammunition and loaded the gun; so a little more time of humility and giving in to get along is in order.
I posted a more thorough
I posted a more thorough response, but it wasn't alcohol and I'm not an alcoholic or habitual drug abuser.
I did hit a low spot, I did make some very bad decisions.
Trust is earned
Great for you! Working through your issues. All of us here are trying do the same..
Keep doing what your doing and keep chill. No need to add any fuel to the fire.
As my dear mother would say to me trust is earned and lost quickly.
Kill him with kindness would be my advice thus earning some respect in the process.
I am guessing you are a good guy, made some mistakes. Earn your lost respect back.
Best of luck Jake
Hi and Welcome:) Sounds like
Hi and Welcome:) Sounds like your working your way to good improvements for you and your children because of your soon to be 50%. I have a few questions,
so the reason you and stepdad have to hand hold is not because of age but disability of daughter?
and what is the behavior/communication like between you and stepdad during the "hand off" - is one of you or both angry, friendly, quiet, having an attitude or air about themselves? Please describe.
because I would think that a reoccuring happy friendly "hand off" would keep him back further then a "stay off my property" exchange. for example "Hey Tom! great to see you! sally is so lucky to have the both of us walk her!" "have a great time, Sally!" would ruin his day more because he was expecting you to behave how he views you. with the "Stay off my property!" exchange, that makes stepdad happy because you behaved how he expected you to behave, bad. when its not fun for him anymore, maybe he will let up with the im good your bad attitude.
know what i mean?
o the reason you and stepdad
o the reason you and stepdad have to hand hold is not because of age but disability of daughter?
and what is the behavior/communication like between you and stepdad during the "hand off" - is one of you or both angry, friendly, quiet, having an attitude or air about themselves? Please describe.
Yes. She has Down Syndrome, she's 16, poor muscle tone/developement. Only about 52" tall. God, she's such a bright eyed, happy little girl.
Hand off is quiet. We do not communicate. We individually speak to the kids. A few months ago he started behaving similar to how I always have-I start loudly talking to them as soon as they get out of the car because I've missed them so much and haven't seen them for days. All the while briskly walking up my front steps, then the semi-winding front sidewalk just beyond halfway, and he stops and waits for the slow moving little one with my hand gets within three feet. Then he reaches down and throws his arms around her as if they've been apart for days, or even an entire day. He has a good relationship with my kids.
While I completely understand your feelings,
While I completely understand your feelings, this is not "a hill to die on." For now, let it go. Greet step-father with a smile, and hand your daughter off with a quick hug. If he is doing it to "get to you" - it will bother him way more that you are friendly than if you confront him. You need to play the long game here and not give anyone any reason to doubt your stability.
It takes a long time to regain trust
I understand your frustration and applaud your recovery. But I agree with the above posters. Let's face it, you messed up badly. You may never regain your ex's trust. If I were she, I'd never get over it and I'm a pretty laidback person. The very best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to model stability as much as you can. Good luck, Bio StepDad.
Right - he can't expect her
Right - he can't expect her to just get over it. In my state, DWI with kids in the car is a felony - combine that with the other two in one month, and he would now be in prison. So he really should count his blessings instead of worrying about his territory.
I honestly don't think your
I honestly don't think your ex and her husband are trying to hurt you. Seems like they are trying to keep the kids safe, IMHO. They insist on doing the transportation... in any other scenerio I'd say this is a power play and control freak. But c'mon, you had 3 DWIs, their concern is 100% warranted. You broke their trust and need to take responsibility for that. Acknowledge that not everything will "go back to normal" quickly. It takes time to rebuild trust.
That aside... why does it matter that he takes her hand? Would you rather her fall?
Look on the brightside. You've had several DWIs and it could have gone way worse. As a StepParent myself, I feel bad for this guy. He is likely just trying to help his disabled SD and be by his SOs side and support her. No need to have ill will towards this guy. Honestly, you should thank him for being part of your children's support system.
Would I rather she fall?
Would I rather she fall?
Did you even read all my post, or did you see "dui" and instantly jump to the verdict?
Look, the danger you
Look, the danger you represent to yourself and your kids due to your chronic issues with DUI charges not withstanding, you need to put your foot down and inform your XW that her DH will never set foot on your property again. XW can walk halfway to receive or hand off your daughter. Or better yet, XW and her DH can stay on the curb while you walk your DD back and forth. If you don't want to make that mandate confrontational, walk your DD to the curb a few minutes before hand off so XW and her DH don't have to get out of the car. That puts them in their place without taking a shot across their bow. Speak with your actions by eleminating any need for them to set foot on your property. All it takes is a couple of minutes of shift in the hand over process. You can even make it a fun activity for you and your DD. Start the new tradition, take a small amount of bird seed with you. You and DD feed birds for the couple of minutes you are waiting for XW and StepDad. The birds will learn the schedule and line up at the hand over point. The bonus, they may just crap on XW's car.
Keeping the peace is a waste of time. Stand your ground, keep your X and her DH in their place, and create the relationship and life with your BKs that you want.
A question. Where is your wife/SO in all of this?
And quit being your own worst enemy. Until you get your proverbial shit together you are handing your testicles to your XW and her DH on a silver platter and abdicating your place as your BKs father to your XW and her DH. Your own behaviors and choices are the solution this whole situation. Own it, fix it, then you can control it.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
I'm curious as to what work
I'm curious as to what work you've done to not get yourself in this situation again, and yes, that's relevant.
It's not that you got 3 DUIs that concerns me. It's that you got CAUGHT driving drunk three times, only one of which was with the kids. My stepsister was a drinker (I'm hesitant to say alcoholic because I'm not sure if the alcohol was the issue or if she used whatever she could get her hands on). While she only got busted once for it, it wasn't uncommon to see empty beer cans under the seats of the car WITH HER KIDS IN THERE. When she finally was caught putting her kids in harms way, the court gave her chance after chance to just show (not even prove) that she could do better.
She blew it, but it seems you haven't. Not blowing it, though, isn't the same as being better. You have a wife who can help maintain the home and supervise you. Your ex and her husband can do transport of the kids. The kids are old enough to recount what happens when they're with you. These three factors ALONE are enough to get you SOME custody without having to be sober.
So, the question is, are you sober and for how long? And I mean "abstaining from alcohol" sober, not just "no longer a daily drinker" sober. After the crap my stepsister has pulled, I can tell you that it would take much, much longer than 15 months before I'd be willing to trust her with children on her own.
You are well within your rights to politely ask, or even demand, that SF and XW remain off your property and you'll walk your kids all the way to them. However, I'd make sure you are squeaky effing clean before you bark up that tree with SF. That's a man who is paying for your screw-up, both literally and figuratively. While you were getting DUIs, he was taking care of your kids. He likely has been helping pay attorney fees to keep the kids safe. He's likely had to hear repeatedly from his wife how scared and upset and nervous she is. He's doing the transport and making sure your daughter gets to his vehicle unharmed. From an outsider perspective, the stepparents (your wife included) are having to do a lot of leg work in order for you to be a parent.
I don't say any of this to disparage you. I say all of this to offer you perspective from someone who has been on the SF/XW side, albeit as a concerned family member versus the parent. You're well within your rights to walk your daughter off your property and to SF. But if the reason that this upsets you is because SF is acting too dad-like, then you need to reflect on your own behavior. He HAS picked up where you have failed (as has your wife), and he's making a bold statement that I also make when my SSs' mother fails them.
So, take your lumps and rebuild your life. If you're already sober and have been for at least a year, I'd say you can tell SF that you'd like to walk SD to the car. If you're still drinking, or you're less than a year sober, you need to focus on fixing that before worrying about whether SF is meeting halfway up the lawn to peacefully transition the kids.
Same here
A close relation drove drunk and got a few DUIs. Id say the ratio was 1 ticket for every 100 times drinking drunk.
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Brilliant Lt. Absolutely brilliant.
What great advice and perspective.
Thanks for that.
I appreciate all of these quick responses.
Do the details matter here? Or, at least pertaining to my original question?
Look folks, I'm not a complete scumbag. I do not have a history of illegal substance abuse.
We've had quite the history between us, she and I over the past two decades. Separated 11 years ago, kids were B10, G8, G5. Then.....almost immediately discovered she was pregnant with #4. Lived together while separated sleeping apart until mom and babe were home, everyone was healthy and safe. Then I moved out and into a newly vacant second floor apartment with a good family friend. It was tight but we were comfortable. Anyway, I had my kids 50% custody. I was mom and dad for half the week, and once I got used to it I grew to love it. In fact, as happily married as I am now, I sometimes miss the simple days of just me and my kids being home watching the Discovery Channel, and even giving baths and reading bedtime stories, changing diapers...I genuinely enjoy taking care of my kids.
Anyhow, life hasn't always been peachy, it simply can't be. I won't type out all of the history, nobody wants to read that. But listen, I have no reason to lie on this forum, here behind an internet forum profile.
I've coached and sponsered sports teams, been to doctors appointments, always have them during my time, and more than happy to take them off her hands when she used to need me for that.
However, since she realized that I was serious when I told her that I was leaving, she's hated me. I learned that she had been lying to me almost compulsively, things which could, in some instances were, harmful to our family and especially me. Besides that, many many years prior she had already actively maintained an intimate relationship with a bf and covered the evidence for months, so it was the last straw.
This woman once told me that my oldest son was going to grow up to hate me, and that it wasn't her responsibility to foster a positive relationship between me and the kids. She was not saying that it's her responsibility to father them for me, or any version of that. Yes, it is ultimately MY responsibility to foster a healthy relationship with my children. But one parent should NEVER speak ill of the other in ear shot of the kids. I personally believe we should all go further than that, as much as we may be justified in finding that person utterly loathsome, can at least point out the undisputable qualities of the other parent. I have always conducted myself this way. That is, until my oldest 21B began recounting bad memories of the horrible things his mother would say about me. Again, mostly lies, but all only because I left her. Btw, our oldest moved in FT with me last year.
Current husband entered the scene 5 years ago. 4 years ago she moved in FT with him. She had been evicted from 5 rentals since I divorced her. He began renting a house 4 doors down from her, and she soon thereafter moved in with him. One Monday morning I was taking the kids to the bus stop which was in front of her house, when I got a text saying to just come to her man's house. When we rolled by her place there was furniture, bags of clothing, toys, appliances... Hmm, okayyy.....We got to the bf's house and she spun a tale about how she had to throw away a bunch of her things and move out due to a mold or something issue had forced her from the rental property, and her landlord was a scumbag that wouldn't fix the problem, blah blah blah....
I looked her up a month later and discovered that she had been forcibly evicted due to several months of non payment, again.
Anyway she and my 4 kids moved in with him and his daughter, in a 900 square foot, 3 bedroom duplex. She doesn't work, so they are still there. Minus my oldest of course.
Back to me, I'm not an alcoholic. I am an addict, and I'm in recovery. I developed an addiction to anxiety meds after years of using them legally under prescription from my Dr. I spiraled downward very quickly. From early 2019 using them as directed, to heavily abusing in early summer 2019, and then discontinued use abruptly in last week of August 2019. I began treatment immediately, and began attending NA/AA meetings.
I am a healthy person, I always have been. I run, lift weights. Very physical, manual labor, self employed tradesman. I do not want to be controlled by substances. I hated the feeling of "craving" sometthing. Yes, it took losing my kids to help me kick the habit, and that's scary.
I don't expect everyone to trust me unquestioningly, but those who know me and care for me, they know I am dedicated to sobriety.
The ex and her hubby? Not so much. They have been crying wolf ever since they won the initial round at court. They've accused me and my wife, and SD, of absolutely heinous things since this began. It's as if they thought they could literally destroy me because of my actions. They attempted to sabotage my relationships with my wife, my clients, the general community, and obviously my own kids. It's been an absolute nightmare. I could understand the initial litigation for emergency restrictions, but the lies they threw is where they are in the wrong.
They don't want to allow me to regain any semblance of a normal relationship with my kids.
I think all of this actually stems from my ex being furious that I remarried and the kids have a SM. She told me when I remarried that she did not want me to allow my new wife to spend alone time or "mother" them. Since I blew her off for that irrational request, my wife has formed an extremely tight bond with my kids and they love her. Which makes ex enraged.
Anyway this SD, he speaks to me very condescendingly since I got the DUI's. And he tries to prevent my kids from interacting with me if by some chance I am around them all outside of my parenting time. It's made it so that being near he or she is always strained.
I know that clearly I am within my rights. I also know that in a way it's petty. But there are a few good reasons I should prevent either of them from entering my property.
I just don't know if if's worth the potential for a conflict. I don't want to risk ending up in a confrontation, verbal or otherwise.
I gotta get off of here, I'm not used to this much typing and sharing.
Thanks again to each of you that had something to say. I'm looking forward to reading your stories, and sharing more of my own.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to fill in the details. They m make a huge difference. Personally, at the next hand over, I'd smile at the guy and tell him there's no reason for him to ever set foot on your property and to kindly wait by his car next time. After all, you wouldn't want to go after him for trespassing, would you? All delivered with a smile and a pleasant tone. And don't forget to put up a no trespassing sign before the next time.
Thanks for baring your soul.
Thanks for baring your soul. I know that took a lot of courage. It is great to hear that the worst case ideas are far from reality in your situation.
As for badmouthing or speaking ill of a kid's parent... facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. There is nothing wrong with giving kids facts. Particularly in response to overt lies from the blended family opposition. So, compile the facts and any documentation, etc... that demonstrates those facts and when your XW or her DH spew their vitriol and lies, tune your kids with the facts.
That your eldest is now living with you, you have a great ally on the facts and the truth. He will witness first hand the reality of you and your life Vs his BM's lies and manipulations. Start with him. Sit him down, explain to him that many of the things his mom has said about you are not true, tell him the truth, support the truth with the facts, and give your eldest access to all of the court records regarding the divorce, custody, visitation, support, etc... Including the facts regarding his BM's adulterous history. Obviously be open and honest about your addiction to Rx medications. I would suggest that you also get him engaged with a SAMHSA or Nar-Anon Family group and occassionally include him in your own 12 step meetings if that is allowed.
People make mistakes, the ones who recognize their mistakes and do the work to learn from those mistakes and not repeat those mistakes are people of character. Those who lie, manipulate, etc... are not people of character. So, take the gloves off, polish up the facts and the truth, and give your kids a chance at having the information they need to protect themselves from their lying manipulative mother and SF.
Congratulations on your sobriety, on having your eldest with you, on your new marriage, your solid career, and on gaining back 50/50 custody of your kids.
You should be proud of yourself.
Good luck and I look forward to reading of your personal journey and of your blended family adventure.
I appreciate your response,
I appreciate your response, and everyone was justified in mistrusting me initially.
I'm sure everyone has a story about someone they know and possibly love, but there are so many more stories out there that you never hear about. I took responsibility for my actions, I stepped to the plate. While addiction is genetic and I'm certainly an addict, I changed into an abusing addict, and changed back. It is possible, it does happen.
I had to earn the trust back, and it wasn't easily won. Time, actions, and a shit load of therapy.
I think you are really lucky SD is bringing
The kids to you. You can not have a drivers license with three DUI. They can block your visitation if they want, or make you uba it. Catch you driving with the kids ect.
I am lucky they want to drive
I am lucky they want to drive the kids around, but only because it saves my fuel costs.
I have a valid driver's license. Yes it is possible to have the dui's, and still continue to drive legally. I'm involved in a program with our SOS that allows me to be monitored while operating a vehicle.
No, they can't "block" my "visitation," and it's actually termed "parenting time" because I have 50% LEGAL custody.