No easy decisions
Here's where things are at with me and I'm looking for some male perspective. I've been with my gf for 2.5 years. She has 2 boys, 9 and 8. My son is 7. The 3 of them moved into my place back in July and it's been quite the ride since. Here are some things that have happened since they moved in.
Both of her boys were diagnosed with ADHD (the medication has helped curb their actions), custody has gone from 50/50 to them seeing their dad every 2nd weekend (dad abused them and had a no contact order put in place), I had to ask her to remove her oldest from the house because he attacked my son. Her oldest moved to his grandparents for 3 months. He's moving back now and we're working on transitioning him back.
Her boys are a handful but show moments of positive. My son being an only child has enjoyed having them around but my gf's oldest is violent and has attacked him physically a couple of times. No child is welcome in my house when they put my son at risk. My gf is wonderful, loves me like I've never been loved before, but I worry about the future of her boys and what will become of things as they grow up. Can I handle that stress? What will be the long term impact on my boy?
My boy loves my gf, and would be crushed if we broke up but I'm just not sure what all of this will become. I find myself getting angry easy, raising my voice, not to mention the impact on my boy.
Thanks for the advice guys.
I'm not a man ..... but they
I'm not a man ..... but they moved in with you... sorry they can move right back out again.
GF needs to find her own place and raise her sons, she can visit you when her boys are with their father. You can visit her when your son is with his mother or other family members.
Speaking as a mother of an only child... no child ever will do anything to my son, I will kill them not thinking about consequences, I use to live with SO, then his daughter moved in, she's 3 years younger then my son... I shipped my kid off to boarding school in a different town and I moved out.... why because this snotty little girl told my kid she hates him because we have fun together and she will tell people he touched her special place... st the time Deigma was 15 and Aergia was only 13... to keep my son safe, I moved out immediately....
I will move back next year when Aergia is out of the house, and belief me, I wil make sure she does not get close to my son, even now he's a 21 year old man.... there's no way this little cow will smear my son's name with crap stories.
Thank you for the perspective
Thank you for the perspective and insight. I'm close with my mom and have expressed my concerns. She has said that my son, her grandson, and I are the primary focus and we need to do what's in our best interests. That's what I'm conflicted in. My boy has already lost by having his bio parents go through a divorce. To lose again would be tough on both of us. You make a very valid point about minimizing the potential negatives, me and my gf live him dearly and she has acknowledged the challenge her boys pose.
You don't necessarily have to
You don't necessarily have to break up but you don't have to live together, either. Living together isn't working and your son doesn't deserve to live in this environment because you made this choice.
Even some married couples live apart in these situations. Sometimes, you just have to think outside the box. It doesn't have to be live together or break up. It doesn't have to be seen as a step backwards if they move out, it's simply doing what will work. It may not be ideal, as far as you and your GF are concerned, but since you both have kids, other things have to be taken into consideration. Being stressed and angry (and raising your voice) isn't doing your relationship any good, not to mention the impact it has on the kids.
Her kids have had a lot going on, with the change in custody, the abuse, the diagnoses, moving in with you, it might be best if they move out and the GF concentrates on her children, at least, for now. You can still date and have a relationship.
Just because blending the families under one roof is not working, doesn't mean the relationship can't work. You just have to go about it differently.
And sorry, I'm not a man, either.
That is something I've
That is something I've thought about but to me and her that would seem like a major step back. She's 28 and looking to marry sooner than later and I'm certain if it came to that she wouldn't want to move forward with me. It's an out of the box consideration and I'm all for that but it would be difficult.
In the situation you describe
In the situation you describe a two household model may be best for everyone if you want to continue this relationship. The current situation is not fair to any of the boys. Your son absolutely should not be put at risk and your SO's boys need to be in a stable home with their mom.
Their dad is an abusive dirtbag apparently and as such they do not need to be exposed to him any more often than necessary.
This is a tough situation. If her boys were not special needs I would say put your foot up their asses to address the inappropriate behaviors but ..... since they are special needs that is not a good solution to this issue.
So..... a two household solution is what I would recommend.
That is my male perspective.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure. It is good to have another man on the site. This is definitely an estrogen rich community.
Their dad is a real treat!
Their dad is a real treat! He's exposed then to things beyond their years and they've admitted this to me. He's abuse in every sense but sexual and they are scarred and have lost a lot of the innocence of a child. It is tough and there have been times I've wanted to deck both of them but I could never...that said moments when her oldest has been physical with my son have pushed me close to the edge and it scares me. I appreciate your perspective but do wonder about the long term viability of our relationship in 2 households. My son is already having to grow up in a 'broken' home environment. Not sure I want to further that anymore. I've always wanted 'normal' for him. I think I'd feel strong guilt if I broke things down further.
My son's SpermIdiot is a real
My son's SpermIdiot is a real gem also and probably a lot like your Skid's SpermDad. The SpermIdiot has used his four out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas (my SS is his eldest and our only) to help him shoplift, sneak women into the windows of the house he lives in so SpermGrandhag won't know, has perpetrated statutory rape on several minor teens over the years including my wife who was 16 when SS was born(The SpermIdiot was 23), has done everything he could to join either rthe Crips or Bloods in order to live his dream of being a gangbanger,he has shared this dream with his kids, and has lived rent free in the SPermGrandParent's rental property rent free for 20+ years while they raise his three youngest spawn in their home and paid his CS obligation for my SKid with no help from him. One of his favorite depravities is hiding his illegal gun in the kid's diaper bag when they were infants thinking that the police are too stupid to look there. He went to jail for that one (briefly).
It sounds to me that you know what is in your best interests, the best interests of your own son, and what you have to do.
Time to pull the plug on this relationship I think.
Good luck,take care of you, and take care of your son.
You make a very valid point!
You make a very valid point! Kids pick up on more than we want to believe but it's true. I'm teaching him things everyday. I lost my dad when I was young and want to give to my boy everything I didn't have. The last thing I want is for him to grow up resenting me because of the environment he was brought up in and the risk it posed. My gf's oldest is transitioning back with us, up to 5 days a week with us and we add a day every week. In a couple weeks he'll be back full time and that will be the true sign of whether or not there has been change. Trouble is the ADHD results in uncontrollable lashing out and negative behavior, often including verbal and physical attacks. I've been on the receiving end of these, along with my son. It's less than ideal but I'm having to learn to accept that as the ADHD and not take it personally.
Both of her boys are in meds
Both of her boys are in meds to help downplay the ADHD. They both take one in the morning and her oldest takes another in the evening to prevent morning blowup. Without the medication they are much more difficult to manage. It sure helps and has improved some of the behaviors.
Buy a duplex!
Buy a duplex!
Good luck with it. Hope it
Good luck with it. Hope it works out for you. My SS now 21 was diagnosed with ADHD at about age 8. Looking back, those were the easy years. No physical attacks but endless drama and bs. It got worse in the teenage years and things really haven't worked out for him and it has been very hard on the marriage as well. Perhaps it will be different for you but I fear it will get worse for you. Any physical actions must stop but then again, every situation is different.
This is exactly what I worry
This is exactly what I worry about. That as her boys grow up the difficulties will intensify. Although the frequency of their outbursts has decreased (because of the meds), the intensity has not. In fact it's increased. The oldest has gotten stronger as he's grown and I worry about the physical threat he poses to my son, his mom and myself. I've been reading up on ADHD and some of the behaviours sound par for the course. I don't know if I can handle the stress that 2 boys with ADHD are likely to cause as they grow up. Thank you very much for your input, sounds like you can relate...minus the physical attacks.