New to the Step Parenting Role
Greetings all!
I recently became a step father to a wonder 3.5 year old boy. The bio-dad abandonded him and his mother, and only came back into the picture when he was taken to court for 28 months of missing child support. My wife has been consistently harassed, taunted, and goaded by him and his girlfriend (i.e. the mistress). It's important to me to be the better example for the child, and be an example of honesty and integrity. I do what I can to respect the boundaries and space, for example Dad was a linebacker, so I do not toss the football or watch games with the boy.
We do not receive any of the same respect, and at times the other couple seems bi-polar in their expectations of how they are treated vs their treatment of us. The girlfriend has even gone as far as to call herself bonus mom, and show up for preschool events, despite there being no co-parenting relationship between our families. (Part of me thinks the biological father is scared to face the reality of his actions alone, so he makes her come with him. Another part of me thinks she is just trash and doesn't know any better. Bless her heart) The biological father suffers from untreated mental illiness, mainly dellusion and narcissim, but also is incredibly insecure. We have the kid most of the time, as we are on a 70/30 schedule.
So, to those who have walked this path before, what did you find useful in dealing with these kinds of people? How do you enforce boundaries and defend your spouse while not having the mess play out in front of or within earshot of the children? What do you wish you had done differently?
I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and I was clear eyed going in, but that's always more challenging in practice. In the end, I will probably be more of a father to the boy than his real father, just based on time spent together. I met the child about 3 months after he met his father. Thank you all for your responses.
1. There is no reason to
1. There is no reason to avoid watching a game or throwing a football with the kid.. seriously.. dad doesn't have ownership over those pastimes. Now, if you aren't interested in that.. fine. but, it won't hurt anything if the boy throws a football with both of you (obviously not at the same time lol).
2. Even though custody may be 70/30... that doesn't mean that the EX and his new SO can't come to pre-school events etc.. that are meant for parents. I mean... "you" are going right? he's not your child.. so there is no rule that states that the new partners can't accompany their SO's to events that involve those kids.
3. She calls herself bonus mom? whatever.. who cares. It's an affectation that people use to intimate that they are having a positive step-parent experience.. even if they aren't the full time caregivers. I would hazard a guess she is probably doing most caregiving when the child is at that home. yeah.. I think it's sacharine and "gross" to use the term.. and I would NEVER want to call myself that.. Stepmom is just fine for me. I love my stepkids and they are adults now.. but if I came up with "bonus mom" they would bust a gut laughing. But that is what she wants to use.. her SO most likely encourages her motherliness... mostly so he won't have to. Again, let it go.. It's very likely she suffers from the same stress that most step-parents do.. the insecurities.. the not being able to win no matter what etc.. She probably doesn't want to be at all these events anyway.. just putting on a good face for her SO. Don't make it harder for her than it has to be..
Also.. be careful about diagnosing the EX.. not sure what evidence you have directly but things could be much more situational vs a "real" mental illness. I'm sure your wife has no problem painting the ex negatively... but always consider the source and underlying motivations. If her EX was a wonderful person.. they who was the problem in their relationship?.
It's really hard but you have
It's really hard but you have to both get to the point where you don't care about the ex or his GF. Sometimes it actually feels good to get our blood boiling thinking about how horrible, stupid, damaged or trashy these people are because it makes us seem better by comparison. All that does is take up your mental energy and it is much healthier to NOT CARE. Not caring also gives them less power over you. You guys can still talk trash and complain about them but cut it off after a few minutes and go on to living your lives.
Reduce communication if you are parallel parenting. That means conversations are strictly about the logisitics of exhanging and raising the kid, no emotion just information. Stick to text, calls and email. Keep your social media locked down. They don't need to know anything about you that you don't want them to. So much conflict and drama is leaving a door open to it, close those doors and your lives will be so much more peaceful.
Is There Any Way (based on his untreated illness) That You & His
mother can be awarded 100% custody? It would be so much better for this little boy. Explore that option. Can you legally adopt him?
Do not limit your
Do not limit your participation in your family because of a toxic asshole in the blended family opposition regardless of who that toxic asshole may be.
If you and the boy's mother are raising the boy in your home (70% of the time) then you are the primary father figure in this young boy's life. Do not let a toxic, mentally ill asshole and his cheat partner whore limit the example you set or your participation in this boy's life. Your partner needs you all in and to be at her side as she navigates this challenging life countering the toxic influence of an intermittent father.
As past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior in all likelihood this asshole will disappear again before too long. A temporary emotional response driven presence in this boys life because he is being held financially responsible will not by any odds last.
You need to be the stable equity life partner for your SO and the stable example of a man and father to this boy. If you are going to be your SO's equity life partner that also makes you an equity parent to her child. Avoiding football related activities with this boy makes no sense if that is something you both enjoy. The "deluded narcissist" should have zero influence over how you interface with your SS other than to keep you LASER focused on protecting your SO and this child from this whack job looser POS and doing what is necessary to minimize him infecting this boy and your relationship with your SO with his bullshit.
What I found useful in dealing with "these kinds of people" is countering the toxic manipulations of my SS-27's toothless moron SpermClan with zero tolerance and total confrontation of any bullshit they served up. When they manipulated we punished. When they overstepped, we applied consequences. When they attempted to load my SS up with their lies, we introduced SS to the facts (in an age appropriate manner) and we raised him with full knowledge of the history between his mom and the SpermClan, their bullshit, all of the court records, SpermIdiot arrest records, Custody/ Visitation/Support order, supplemental county rules governing visitation and support, state regulations, etc, etc, etc..... As they pulled their manipulative crap we kept SS informed. This allowed us to arm him with information and the ability to recognize their crap and protect himself when he was on court ordered visitation and prepared him to be able to recognize their bullshit and call them on their manipulations as an adult.
Your SS is young. That is a big advantage for his mom and for you to raise him in a home where he has a model of a healthy adult relationship at the heart of the family. We began our blended family journey when my bride and I started dating when SS-27 was 15mos old then made it permanent when we married the week before SS turned 2yo. In the 25+ years we have been a family his SpermIdiot has spawned three more also out of wedlock children with two other baby mamas. He has perpetrated statutory rape against a number of underaged girls (though has not been charged as none of the parents of these molested children including my IL's have had the balls to put his ass in prison), he has pursued though failed at his dream of being a gang banger, pawned the raising of his youngest three onto his parents who also paid all of his COd CS and visitation travel for my SS for 16+ years until SS aged out from under the CO, and now is a dope head loser POS 50yo whose eldest two spawn (my son and his half sister) detest him.
Your SO and her child are blessed to have you in their lives. I suggest that you dig into the CO, know it inside out upside and backwards. You and your SO need to be experts in the CO and any related regulations that will help you manage the situation and enforce reasonable behavior onto the delusional narcissist bio dad and his flavor of the month girlfriends as the years unfold. Prepare this boy to protect himself by introducing him to the facts as he grows up (in an age appropriate manner).
This has worked wonders for us and allowed us to successfully raise SS-27 to be a viable adult and successful man of standing in his profession and community in spite of the toxic influence of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
I raised my SS as my own. He is an only child in our marriage. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
My only regret is that the SpermClan was not reasonable in their behaviors and actions. On the rare occassion that they were reasonable we engaged with them reasonably. When they reverted to their usual manipulative crap, we smacked them about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO (figuratively of course) and forced them back into line.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
Good luck.