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Never established or set up boundaries for ex

Paladin222's picture

New to group. No one in my circle can relate. I'm a 51 year old step dad to a 19 year old daughter. I've been her life since she was 7. I love her dearly. I have no children of my own. My wife and I tried to have a child of our own but age and fate decided it wasn't going to happen. I have struggled with this relationship since it's inception because I have never had to deal with a partner with a child and an ex. There were boundary issues early on with him. He never moved on and I feel like he still holds a candle for my wife. It sounds jealous and immature but it's a gut feeling. He has a child from another relationship who comes to visit from time. When he comes the four of them typically do things together. They invite me along if I'm available but I feel awkward if go and jealous if I can't or don't. Venting

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Unforntually while I can agree that you can try to set up boundaries you are talking about 2 adults. Your wife and a 19 year old. You can request your wife set some limits. I mean I'm not sure what they all do together but yeah I wouldn't really want my guy with his ex just going to breakfast or hanging out. He doesn't really want to do much with her. We've offered to have her over for certain holidays but the kids are still very young.

ldvilen's picture

I just have to add, there is jealousy and then there is common sense. Your wife spending, what you see as, too much time with her son, that may be jealousy. But, your wife hanging out with her ex-! That is not jealousy. That is your common sense kicking in telling you that there is something wrong with this picture. And there is.

A divorce or separation (if the two bio-parents were never married to begin with) is to be for a reason. Basically, that reason is because they can't stand to be in the same room together. Otherwise, when a child is involved, any other reason would be lacking. If you are divorcing because you are bored or want to play the field, for example. Then good luck trying to explain that to your child years down the road.

Anyway, the point is the parents decided to terminate their relationship together. That being the case, they are to move on. This is actually one of my pet peeves. Parents who divorce, and then turn around and try to act like they never divorced. Hell, some even act like that is the way it is supposed to be. So, the divorced parents get all they want--they get to have their cake and eat it too. They have two husbands or two wives (ex- and the new one). They have everything revolving around them. They can go around telling themselves that they may have divorced, but everything worked out anyway. Yada yada yada. Meanwhile, both their new spouses or SOs and their children are feeling like sloppy seconds.

The kids don't understand why their parents, if they can hang out together, divorced in the 1st place. Were they to blame? And, step-dad or SM, who wants to deal with them! They are just in the way of any sort of any mom and dad reconciliation.

The new spouse, has to deal with someone they love and someone who promised to be their one and only, hang out with another man or woman. This would never be permitted or expected to be permitted in any other type of situation--mom, in this case, actually gets to spend quality time with another man while she is married to someone else. It doesn't matter if the other man is bio-dad or not. And, to make matters worse, the new spouse is supposed to just accept this, no questions asked. If SM or step-dad persists that there is something wrong with this picture--then they are accused of being jealous or not understanding.

So, SKs and SM or step-dad start going after each other. Fighting over scraps; trying to figure out what is wrong with this picture. Meanwhile, the bioparents are patting themselves on the back for doing such a good job and putting everyone but themselves in the middle. :sick:

101Stepmom101's picture

SO TRUE!

hereiam's picture

When he comes the four of them typically do things together.

Wait, who's the "four of them"? Do you mean, your wife, her ex, their daughter, and the ex's other kid? Your wife is hanging out with her ex? That's really not acceptable.

ESMOD's picture

Yeah.. that got me too. I mean, there is no problem with the half sibling in my mind, but the EX? nope. Unless it's a particular kind of special event.. like a graduation, wedding, funeral. The exes don't need to be socializing. Certainly a 19 yo doesn't need to see her divorced parents play "happy family" on a regular basis.

Again, no problem with them interacting at her wedding.. in pictures etc.. (as long as you are in some too)but just going to lunch randomly.. nope.

SMforever's picture

My DH was pulling a similar gig with the ex when I came along. He would go out for birthday dinners with ex along whenever one of the adult skids squealed. Because we were still not living together at the time, he didn't "bother" to mention it to me. i had to find out from 3rd parties! So, I kicked his butt to the curb until he decided he wanted me around, and we told the kids no more cozy divorced family. They whined and cast me,as jealous, so I just got real vocal about it ...asked how would they like it if their SO socialised with an ex? Two of the three actually related to that and stopped wishing Mom and Dad to reunite.

You are not out of line AT ALL to demand that this stop. If it doesn't then sadly there may be fire where there is smoke. It is so gross that former lovers think they can hang out without spouses along.

Rags's picture

I would make sure to go and when you go participate rather than 5th wheeling. If they are not comfortable with that then let them be the ones to let it fade out.

I would not be comfortable with my spouse socializing with her X either. Not a likely thing in our case since she detests the POS waste of skin SpermIdiot.

Good luck.