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Need some help

monkeyboy2030's picture

I have two stepsons, H who is 8 and a mirror image of his biological Father (BM), and T who is 4, and was his Mom's boy, but now is becoming more like his BF and older brother. The BF has custody for the last year (long story - but we did nothing wrong, just gave up to fight again). Anyway - I have been married to my wife for over a year, we have a great relationship, but I feel as though I am growing farther and farther away from my stepsons. I know that it is okay not to love them. I feel pressured to spend time with them. I feel pressured to spend $25,000+ to go back to court to win custody, when the older stepson wants nothing to do with us, and the younger is becoming more distant every day. When they come to visit, I feel like an open bank account, like I am more excited for their visits than their BM, and then let-down when they want nothing to do with me. Does anyone else feel like their lives are nonexistent when the stepchildren visit, except to drop everything and be their babysitter?

My wife also has a 17 yo daughter from her first marriage. She lived with us for 6 months, then when we moved her away from her boyfriend, she left and now lives with her Grandmother. Not much of an issue, but she has taken the side of the BF, and was going to testify against us in the custody battle, so we gave up custody for better visitation rights. Now she sees her brothers (My stepsons) more often than us, and wants nothing to do with her mother or I. I feel intense anger toward her, but my wife's family still accepts her; even after everything I have done for them. I guess I am asking them to take sides - but what is wrong with that.

Anyway - am just frustrated. I am going to contact a psychologist on Tuesday to start working through these issues. Any help would be appreciated.

Have to run - wife just came in.

AVR1962's picture

Sure understand where you are coming from. For one, I would have a hard time shelling out the money for a child's custody knowing they didn't want to be with me. What you said about the oldest girl though is eactly what my oldest daughter did with my stepsons who created so much trouble with the fmaily. i think it was her way of securing her postion but also she has not got the maturity to know anything different. this is my bio daughter that got involved and too had hard feelings so don't feel this is hard feelings based on a step family siatution.

Stick's picture

Monkeyboy - I am glad that you are making an appointment to see a psychologist. It's really hard to say what is going on here without more information.

Some will just "take your side" because you are a step parent and seem to want the skids in your lives. They may just jump in with how these skids are ganging up on you to break up you and BM, etc.

Others may take the skid's side, and say that they are living with their bio father, and still visiting with you, so you should try to establish and maintain a good relationship with them when they come. In other words, for now, respect their decisions of where to live. (Although I don't believe in giving a 4 and 8 year old that power, the father did step in to take them. So you could respect HIS decision.)

I'm somewhere in the middle. While it does seem that you really want to be in these children's lives, I'm concerned that the children seem to have come to separate decisions to live with others. For example, the 17 year old with her grandmother (is it really the boyfriend or something else?) and the two younger boys with their dad. Or that their father felt it necessary to take them.

I think there's more to this story and I'm just wondering what it is. Are they just evil skids, not liking their stepfather, but willing to live with a stepmother? Or is there something going on in your home, with the BM of these children, that they do not want to live with her and/or you?

Can you give more info please?

Orange County Ca's picture

You're expectations are too high. Step-children rarely accept a step-parent as much as step-parents wish.

Accept the fact that this situation is not going to be resolved in a manner you find acceptable and back away from it.

Stop putting your time and treasure into these children. After awhile, perhaps a few years, they'll come to realize that you're not the enemy and perhaps become more open towards you.

Or not.

Meanwhile concentrate on your relationship with your wife, supporting her emotionally to whatever degree she needs but don't throw good money after bad.

These kids are likely to grow up just fine without any help from you what-so-ever so give them the freedom to do just that. Remember you'll get none of the credit it they turn out swell but all of the blame if they don't. But if you're not involved you'll get neither. No credit and no blame.

Everyone will be better off if you just leave them be. Stop torturing yourself.

monkeyboy2030's picture

Thank you all for the good advice.

Overall it was a good weekend. The 17yo stepdaughter didn't show up at my wife's parents over the weekend (truly a blessing).

I have never spanked either child, and stopped time-outs 8 months ago. I have only tried to be supportive and loving to both - well, all of my wife's children.

You are absolutely right about "Remember you'll get none of the credit it they turn out swell but all of the blame if they don't."

Big fight after returning the kids to the biological father last night. The 17yo stepdaughter (well, the paternal grandmother she lives with) emailed to ask for money for a car and college tuition (she is a senior in high school). Remember that my wife is in nursing school now, and doesn't work otherwise. I was floored, and basically told her grandmother "no" - she chose to live away from us and have no contact with us.

Last night I stated that I really had no intention of paying for college for either of my stepsons if they don't choose to live with us. Well, I said they would have to live with us for at least 2 years, and then during school. My wife lost it, and told me that we wouldn't be able to have children because she would be working all the time to provide them for college. I just don't see how it is right for me to pay for college for stepchildren that don't want anything to do with me. I realize I am jumping the gun a bit - but this has been bothering me since the stepdaughter asked for money. Be it known that I am a physician adn can afford to put them through school, and the biological father makes about $50,000 yearly. I just think if they choose to live with the biological father, they choose a life where they might not be able to afford college.

Anyway - I finally just agreed to pay. Education is the best investment you can make. But I still think it is b*llsh*t. I can understand if a 12 year old can't think of the future, but a 16 or 17 year old certainly can.

In other news - my wife and I agreed to hold off on fighting for custody. And I realized that my anger for my stepdaughter comes from her "picking" my wife's ex-husband over me. The stepdaughter's biological father hung himself a few years ago, long after divorce from my wife.

One more question (longest post ever) - as the non-custodial stepfather - what exactly is my role? My wife wants me to be their "friend". Does this mean I stay up until 2 AM watching them play xbox? Can I live my own life when they visit us - not drop everything and take vacation to make sure I am free to spend time with them?

Here's another question - when the 8 yo says "you are pretty fat for a 40 year old" - should my wife say "Well, our neighbor says the same thing", or should she actually back me up and discipline him for saying that. btw - I have lost 40 pounds in the last 2 months, and am 240.

Thank you for letting me vent, and thank you for listening. I really have no one else to talk to. And here in Texas, I am already branded for not having custody of the stepkids, and no children of my own.