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my step kids do not respect me as a parent

antone1991's picture

hi is there anyine out there that is having the same or simalar issue with their step children not respecting them? I have been battling this for months now seems like its getting wworse i dont know what else i can do. Daughter is 12 and son is 10 and i swear by the way i am treated and talked to when mom isnt around is unreal like to the point of finding myself saying in my head if you were my kids i would just smack em hard for me to find that happy balance of friend and fun guy all the time and to slow down and be a parent for instance we can all go out and have a fun time at the arcade and dinner movies anything basically with mom and kids are great if i do this alone with them i swear they act so ungrateful that it makes me regret even taking them between the fighting bickering at eachother and the giving me attitude and talking back not using table manners. i honestly do not understand its like they dont like me when i am alone with them i ask them to clean their room its a fight i ask them to basically do anything chores related and its a huge problem. but when mom is around i ask them to do something they are fine they do it. 

antone1991's picture

anyone out there that is having the same or simalar issue with their step children not respecting them? I have been battling this for months now seems like its getting wworse i dont know what else i can do. Daughter is 12 and son is 10 and i swear by the way i am treated and talked to when mom isnt around is unreal like to the point of finding myself saying in my head if you were my kids i would just smack em hard for me to find that happy balance of friend and fun guy all the time and to slow down and be a parent for instance we can all go out and have a fun time at the arcade and dinner movies anything basically with mom and kids are great if i do this alone with them i swear they act so ungrateful that it makes me regret even taking them between the fighting bickering at eachother and the giving me attitude and talking back not using table manners. i honestly do not understand its like they dont like me when i am alone with them i ask them to clean their room its a fight i ask them to basically do anything chores related and its a huge problem. but when mom is around i ask them to do something they are fine they do it. 

tog redux's picture

Well, the good news is that they respect their mother as a parent.  Stop trying to be a parent figure, let her handle that stuff. Don't take them anywhere alone if they are rude and ungrateful, and don't try to enforce rules and chores, that's her job.

You get to just be the fun "uncle" type, and not have to deal with the hard parenting stuff. .

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think you'd be within your rights to warn your SO that her kids are being disrespectful to you, and that the next time they are, you'll be drawing a boundary with them that you expect her to enforce.

She needs to warn her kids that if she even HEARS of them disrespecting you, the man she loves, there will be severe consequences. And you have the right to say " Don't talk to me like that. " Kids need to know where and what the limits are.

Kes's picture

100% agree with this advice from Exjuliemccoy.  Personally, I wouldn't sit there and take it, I would come down on them like a ton of bricks and I would damn well expect my partner to back me up.  

tog redux's picture

Agreed on that part. I’d expect DH to back me and he would. 

Sounds like OP’s SO is a decent parent. 

Letti.R's picture

Exjulie gives great advice here and it comes with a bit of patience.

I would ignore these feral two-faced  brats and pretend they don't exist.
Mom can deal with her spawn without your help.
 

Rags's picture

Time for a sit down with mommy and her spawn and to lay out the new normal.  They behave respectfully, do as they are told when they are told to do it and refer to you in only respectful terms (Yes/No Sir, etc...) or they suffer.  Mommy has to get the message and have your back on this.

My grandmother used to say "If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel." Time for these manipulative sneaky little shits to learn to listen and behave or .... you deliver the abject misery of feeling consequences for their choices.

Don't struggle with them.  Keep it simple, keep it binary. They behave and comply or they suffer.

Or... just follow Exjuliemccoy's advice above.  She seasons the message far more palatably than I do.