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I hate my stepson...HELP!!!

Sickstepdad's picture

Ok i have finally taken the step of writing in one of these forums in the hopes i might find some help!ive been with my wife for almost 4 yrs now...she has 2 kids...a 14 yr old girl(which i get perfectly along with & accept her as my own) and an 11 yr old boy(which i completely hate & is ruining everyones life)...their father is non existing for about 10 yrs now(they wouldnt even recognize each other if they saw each other in the street)...in the beginning i had no issue with my stepson & he didnt with me either...we all got along perfectly fine...he would piss me off every now & then but what kid doesnt whether its your own or not...when they acted up or did something i didnt even have to get mad because my wife would discipline them immediately(shes only 34 but shes an old school italian like myself so she doesnt take shit from the kids)...after about a yr together she started to change & little by little started letting them get away with more & more & if i said anything she would even get mad at me a little for saying something...now my stepdaughter hardly ever gets out of line...she gets straight As,never talks back,she cleans her room & does chores around the house no questions asked yet my wife will flip out on her about anything & everything(i mean if the girl is in the shower to long she will almost break the door down to yell at her)...but the son is a different story...he can do no wrong...he is terrible in school(hes 11 & can barely read & write)we cant even go out that much because afternoons & weekends are mostly consumed with her trying to make him to his homework at the kitchen table...he is a complete slob...he doesnt do any chores...im sorry but i grew up in an old school italian home...my father worked about 70 hrs a week & my mother 40 hrs a week...they worked their asses off to put a roof over my head,clothes on my back & food on my plate so i wasnt asked to anything around the i just knew i had to do it...when they went food shopping i took every single bag in the house & put it away, i cleaned my room & most of the house, i took out the trash & did the dishes so to me kids doing those things is normal...now her son doesnt do anything because she makes her daughter do everything(take out trash,set table, do dishes, wash floors)while her son is a pig in his room(clothes everywhere,food everywhere & just piles of shit under the bed & all over his room)...he has broken so many expensives things that i have bought(tv's,video games,phones,laptops)but in his mothers eyes he does no wrong whatsoever & if i see him doing something wrong & i say something she will defend him & flip out on me...its gotten even worse since we had kids together(a 2 yr old girl & a 4 month old boy)my kids & my stepdaughter are the world to me but my stepson i actually hate & i know he hates me just as much if not more...i have tried doing everything with him from sports to video games to camping fishing watching movies going to arcades you name it ive tried it & he would be miserable the entire time & just have a look on his face like a serial killer(im not exaggerating-he looks like the young michael myers in the halloween remake of rob zombie)...hea tearing this family apart...i love my wife & cant imagine leaving her but honestly the only reason im still with her today is for my kids & stepdaughters sake...i couldnt imagine putting them through us breaking up & only seeing them a few times a week all because of him...since the father is completely gone i have no break from him because he lives with us 365/24/7 & i just cant stand it anymore...i take my kids out as much as possibile to get away from him but im forced to leave my stepdaughter at home just to avoid taking him along so even my stepdaughter is suffering alot because of this situation...my wife just doesnt seem to understand & im honestly starting to get physically & mentally sick because of this situation...as soon as i hear his voice my stomache turns...ive gotten to the point to change my work hours from 3pm to 11pm just to avoid seeing him since he gets home from school at 3:30 & by the time i get home hes asleep...how can i keep living like this?!im at the point that i dont want him touching anything that i buy...he even steals from other kids & even from his own sister & a few times his mother...i told him if he ever tried stealing from me id break his hands...i mean this is insane living in these conditions...mu daughter is 2 yrs old & ive caught him pushing her & treating her bad & i flip out on him & all my wife says is that i take it out on him because hea not my son & that i understand because im an only child...that would be true if they were close in age but i think any parent would get mad if an 11 yr old boy pushed a 2 yr old girl...i just dont know what to do anymore & im scared of leaving her because i dont want to lose my kids & dont want to put them thru that but honestly if she offered to leave tommorow & she would let me keep my kids i would legit pack her bags for her...i could go on & on forever about this kid but honestly im getting sick to my stomache just talking about him!!!please someone help a desperate loving dad/stepdad!!!

Kes's picture

I think you should be honest with your wife, and say what you said here in your last paragraph, ie you are seriously contemplating leaving because of the situation with your stepson, that this is what will end up happening unless she starts parenting him properly. Your stepson laying hands in anger on your 2 year old is completely unacceptable and would be a deal breaker for most people.

She is obviously capable of parenting, as she did it in the beginning. You could point out to her that she is doing him no favours in letting him get away with stuff - he will turn into a nasty, unlikeable adult who is unable to have a successful relationship. Unless you and your wife can get onto the same page with regards to parenting and discipline, I do not see this relationship surviving.

Calvin's picture

Not sure how to reply on this, but I just wanted to encourage the original message sender that they are certainly not alone and that their story encouraged me. I never thought I could grow to hate a kid, but I am starting to understand the process better through the stories of others. I'm not nuts after all.

Disneyfan's picture

Your wife is the one you should hate, not her son.

She won't allow you deal with his behaviour.
She gave her son the green light to do nothing in the home.
If the child can't read/write at 11, and hasn't been tested to find out why, that's mom's fault as well.

The child is just responding to his mother's actions.

Orange County Ca's picture

What last paragraph? Maybe my display isn't working right.

Anyway I agree that the problem is with Mom.

Sickstepdad's picture

We argue all the time & its always because of something he has or hasnt done...last night for example both of my stepkids went out with my cousin & his kids(he has 2 kids about the same age as my stepkids)well my 2 yr old was running around & playing & went into his room while he wasnt there so i went to go get her & she was sitting on the ground playing & wanted me to sit down with her so i did & noticed what was under his bed...i thought i was going to have a heart attack...i flipped out...i mean there was half eaten food under there unwrapped candy & the wrappers everywhere...once he got home i flipped on him & stood there while he cleaned it & it was almost a trash bag full of filth under there...the problem is that when i saw it & called my wife over to show her she got mad at me saying why would i go snoop around & look under the bed in the 1st place instead of getting mad at what her son had under his bed...i mean im not crazy right?!yet she will flip on her 14 yr old daughter if she doesnt put the pillow the right way on her own bed!!!!i mean if i was the evil stepparent then i would hate both my stepkids which is not the case because i love & treat my stepdaughter like she was my own!!!i cant figure out why my wife is like that with the boy...ive told her that i cant stand him anymore & something needs to be done for his own good & all she answers is with a threat that she will leave & take my kids to & leave it up to the judge & if the judge will grant me 1 day a week then thats all she will let me see my kids!!!so do you see what my problem is...i dont want to leave my kids...i want to be able to see them whenever i want...i dont want them to live apart from me!theres 2 levels of hate here...i hate my stepson for all the things he has done & continues to do & i hate the way my wife acts with him...when he is not around we all get along perfectly fine as a normal family but the second he walks in the door it just goes back to hell in this house...

jumanji's picture

I would have removed the 2yo from the room instead of allowing her to play there.

If you noticed the crap under the bed while doing so? Why not just tell Mom, and leave it to her?

Sickstepdad's picture

I have worked my ass off & continue to do so to pay for my house...i didnt get any handouts so i have been paying for my house on my own so honestly i feel that i should i be allowed to go into every sq inch of my house & so should my own kids!i dont see why i should have removed my 2 yr old from where she was playing...she was playing & wanted me to play with her so i did & after a few minutes i noticed the filth & at that point i did remove the 2 yr old & called my wife over to show her & she got mad at me for noticing the mess instead of getting mad at her son for making the mess...she said she would deal with it but when the kid came home i watched for about an hour & my wife still hadnt said a word to him so i got fed up & went in there & made him clean it up all the while she was yelling at me for telling him to clean it up...i mean is that normal that she acts like that when it comes to him?!is it normal that im sacrificing to pay for my house & dont wany anyone to make messes like that & expect it to be cleaned if someone actually does make a mess?!

jumanji's picture

I suspect you would NOT allow your 2yo to play in every square inch of your home. Would you allow her to indiscriminately play on your computer? Your phone? How about going through the drawers where you or your wife keep condoms, birth control pills, sex toys, raunchy lingerie, etc? No, really - you would not allow that.

And honestly? Leaving dirty plates around is something kids often do - yes, even under their beds. Yes, even biokids. This is not unique to your stepson. Instead of flipping out, I'd address it like an adult. "Hey, dude - the dirty dishes in your room are gonna create problems. I need then down here to be washed. So please go up and bring them down. Now."

Sickstepdad's picture

Ok maybe you dont understand...what i mean is if my kids want to play innthe living room or in a bedroom then to me thats perfectly fine...she can play in our bedroom as long as one of us is in there with there... Im paying for my house & im an adult so i dont see why i shouldnt be allowed in a certain room?!secondly i understand that all kids do leave a dish or 2 im the room but this has been going on for 4 yrs now & it only gets worse with this kid...you dont think ive told him a million times nicely not to eat in his room & not leave filth in his room but he just doesnt care & thats why im at the point of flipping out now...do you understand that we are not talking about a dish or 2 but it was almost a big brown trash bag full of filth...is that normal to you?!is it normal that theres was a 1 gallon box of ice cream that he took from the freezer & brought it in there to eat & then didnt feel like bringing it back so he left it under there & it melted everywhere & ruined the rug?!is that normal to you?!

Fedupskiddad2's picture

When my wife and I lived together with a our kids I had the exact same situation. Her boys are total slobs who do not clean or bathe on a regular basis even at 17 and 18. My wife to this day still defends them. I told her just last Wednesday that the reason I havnt let bio son 8 stay at her place is because he's not sharing a room with a 17 year old who don't shower and has rotten food and other stuff all over the bedroom. Not to mention im not letting him eat take out everyday.  My stepsons order out almost everyday. The 18 year old is pushing 400lbs and the 17 year is pushing atleast 220lbs. My nephew 15 who now lives with me is learning to do his laundry, cook, clean and just learning to be a functional young man. My bio 8 son knows how to do his laundry,  helps vacuum and his room is clean. My wife has literally told me when I brought it up thats "I've worked all day and am tired" . She doesn't adress it at all with clear expectations and follow through. 

It's parenting like this thst.lead to the blow up and me getting my own place. The sickest part is the blow up between my bio 18 son(who's now im college and has paid for two years upfront by himself) and step son 18 (who were 16 at the time) started over poop on the toilet seat. M6 son is a clean neat freak and well hers can't hardly wipe there own ass. I've tried for 8 years to be a dad to her boys but get subverted at every turn.  Unless your wife gets on the same page as you then nothing will change.  That was the hardest thing I had to accept. 

sterlingsilver's picture

Being a step parent is like being employed in a company and working your ass off but not getting paid and not getting any say in anything, but still expected to work.

I was just sitting here thinking about something unusual, what if there was a family who had two parents and 3 kids, all bio kids, yet one of the parents was not allowed to disipline the oldest kid for some reason or another. That kid would certainly know how to work the sytem to get away with anything he wanted b/c he knew the one parent was out of commission and the other parent overworked and too busy to bother with him. Then if the other parent ever did step in it was a losing battle b/c the kid had gained so much ground in the home he was completely in control of the entire family with his rotten behaviors and the family was under his control and in the end it was that kid that controlled the home. He was the leader and he knew it and used that control to bully everyone else.

I went to the dog whisperer website the other day, thinking about trying to reteach our dog who is REALLY the leader in our home, Cesar says how to show a dog you are the leader you need to eat first and then feed the dog second, you need to go out of the door first and then let the dog follow you b/c dogs will think that if they get to go first then they are the leader. In dog packs the leader always gets to eat first and lead first. I think in a human family it needs to be similar even in the case of step parents, you have to be the leader and not only BE the leader but show that you are the leader, even if you are not the primary parent. In other words, you and your wife have to work as a leading TEAM. She needs to listen to you and you need to listen to her and then work together, letting the kids know that when mom says something it sticks and when dad and stepdad says something then the mom will make it stick. If you say to your wife that the bedroom needs cleaning she needs to in turn say to step son that the bedroom gets cleaned and step dad will put his stamp of approval on it. My dh will say to ss16 that the recroom gets cleaned today TO STERLINGS STANDARDS, and then I will look at it and say it's done well or not but dh was the one to give the cammand. He was the commanding/leading parent but the other parent was put into the leading position with the other parent. This will make the parents a team even though one is a step parent who should technically not parent but is a parent in the home.

I think in most blended homes the reason why your situation accurs is simply b/c the parent puts the step parent at the bottom instead of making the step parent the co-parent. Just b/c you're the step does not mean you are not a parent. I think at times kids think and say "you are not my mom/dad" and then think it's ok to not obey. Kids need to obey all adults no questions asked. Adults arethe leaders in life until kids grow up and can make right choices for themselves, adults are responsible for those kids until they grow up. Even a step parent has a certain amount of responsibility to take care that the child in his/her home is taught to be a responsible adult.

Maybe I'm off the mark with that last statement but I hope you get my point. If you are not being respected by your ss then maybe you are not taking control of your home with your wife as a team. You should sit down with her and explain how you two need to team up to bring ss up into adulthood in a responsible manner. Otherwise that kid is going to control your home, your kids and eventually you will HAVE to leave and/or the ss will have to go to a group home or somthing and then what? You either take the reins, or continue to let ss hold the reins. You are the man, even if you're (just) the step dad but you are the man, so be a man and take back your home. And stop blaming your wife, maybe she is not disciplining anymore but what are you doing for this kid. He's your step kid yes, but he's also just a kid who needs a leader. Your wife needs a leading partner too, so step up and step parent. Step parents have more power in their homes then they give themselves credit for. Who's home is it? ss? NO it's your home, so take it back and protect your little girl and discipline that 11 yr old, with or withut the support of your wife. She might just step up if she sees that you truly care for this kid in a loving firm manner. She might need you to co parent.

Ok that was a huge chunk I just wrote but I hope i made sense. Training children is very similar to training puppies.

Disneyfan's picture

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Disneyfan's picture

Your wife doesn't respect you as her husband or the head of your home. If you divorce her, she won't respect you as a father.

She has complete control right now and isn't shy about letting you know she will always control you. She's letting you know that she will be the BM from hell. She will use your kids against you.

How can you love a woman like that?

Your SS is not the problem in your home.

Sickstepdad's picture

Listen when its your own kids or a stepkid that respects & loves you back then you can do whatever you want...you shower them with love & when they get out of line you can discipline them yourself without any second thoughts...when there is a stepkid who is a complete asshole & laxks complete respect & has his mother to back him no matter what he does its a completely different story...you hold back until you really go over the edge...i am a man & hell of a man at that because i love my family & put them 1st before myself even & i work hard to give them a nice life(which not to many guys do anymore)but when the kid is not yours even if he is living in your house & the actual parent takes his side instead of yours then you are really limited in what you can do...my wife is only a bitch when it comes to him but for everything else she is a great woman & maybe thats why im still here...i mean my own kids are the main reason because i couldnt go on without them...ive come to the conclusion that the only way ill be happy is the day he leaves this house...i already told my wife the day he turns 18 he is out the door & at that point if she wants to leave to then so be it...my kids will be old enough by then to understand what the problem is & wont hate me for leaving but will hate him even more for being the reason that their dad isnt there full time...

Disneyfan's picture

That boy could move out today and you will still be stuck with a woman who controls you and doesn't respect you.

Sickstepdad's picture

The only time she doesnt respect me us when it comes to him...for everything else in our lives we are on the same exact page...we get along perfectly fine when it comes to every other thing...hes the only problem we have & honestly i think she knows that hes a lil shit & she doesnt know what else to do with him so she must of given up & thats why shes acting this way...trust me im not defending her because i hate that she acts this way when it comes to him...i just dont know what else to think or believe anymore!!!

fedup13's picture

I don't really have any solutions to offer. I am in a similar situation, cannot stand skid, still love DH, hate the state of my marriage and life because my life is the way it is, know that the majority of our troubles would be solved if skid was not around, and have a lot of resentment toward DH because HE is so permissive, HE allows the disrespect and intolerable behaviors, HE is the problem just as much as skid is. It is a nightmare to live. I have been telling everyone on here that is not yet married to not get married because if I had known that it would deteriorate to this level I would never have gotten married. I am like you, I get emotionally and physically ill over it. I agree with the other posters that have said tell her what your last paragraph says. Maybe she is just really that delusional and doesn't get just how much this is bothering you and needs a major wake up call.

Sickstepdad's picture

My best friend started dating a girl who had a kid...i gave him advice on how my life was a living hell because of the stepkid but he wouldnt listen so i made him spend a day in my house so he could witness what it actually felt like to live with the stepkid 24 hrs a day...i swear the next day when he left my house he broke up with the girl & still thanks me for that wake up call!!!people that dont go through it & dont actually live it will never understand & just think we're evil...this is how close i came to leaving...me & my wife had gotten into a huge fight over something he did & me & my wife didnt speak for about 3days...on the 4th day while i was at work i decided i could not live with him anymore so i decided that when i got home from work i was going to break up with her so everyone could move on with their lives...well as soon as i got home & before i could open my mouth she told me she was pregnant with our 1st daughter...so at that point i was stuck & couldnt leave because im not goimg to let my kids live without me because of him...im at the point where i just hate him...i hate his voice & his face & just his appearance in general...if he left right now i would be the happiest human alive...me & him dont even speak to each other...i mean we dont even say hello to each other & to be honest i really dont care or feel bad because he caused it...hes the one that disrespected since the beginning & just never cared while i tried everything in my power to make him felel accepted & loved...so you know what its his problem now...i have 7 more yrs to go because im throwing him out the day he turns 18 & i changed my work hours so that i go to work when hes about to get home from school & i get home when hes already asleep...now if i coild only get rid of him on the weekends i would be all set...& for any if you that have negative things to say or think im an asshole then obviously you have never been in out shoes so you should just stay out of these type of forums

fedup13's picture

I don't think you are an asshole. I think you are being honest. I feel the same way and there are several others on here that do as well. Everyone's reality is different, some have it really good, some have it ok, and some have hell. Those that don't live in hell, don't understand and never will.

VA2TXstpdad's picture

Your story is eerily similar to mine. I'm supposed to be getting married in September, to the love of my life, who has a 13 yr. old daughter, and a 15yr. old boy. The daughter is an Angel, but he is the devil reincarnate! Lies, steals, disrespects every adult he comes in contact with. Has been in trouble for disrespecting every one of his teachers, disrespecting Boy Scout leaders, disrespects his Mom, my fiance DAILY!! I loathe the very sound of his voice, and he hates me, because I call him out on his disrespect, on his lies, and all his lazy unmotivated ways. I feel your pain, and am scared to know what my future might hold.

Harrison83's picture

My 6 year old SD is the same way and both her parents ignore the behavior. I'm always bad cop because I don't allow it, I have a 7 year old and don't want him to think her behavior is acceptable. Lying, hitting, sneaking around and talking back. Every week when she comes over she is worse and my husband makes excuses.

Sickstepdad's picture

Thank you that was a great article but the problem is ive already done all that the other way around(im a man with stepkids some of those things dont apply to us) & honestly since ive done all those things its actually gotten even worse...now whenever he does something i hate & i hold back & dont say anything i swear my blood boils & my pressure rises even more because she doesnt say anything to him...i really do hate him...for example tonite my stepdaughter is out with her friend so its me my wife my stepson my 2yr old & 4 month old...well i love chinese food & he doesnt so my wife said to order some chinese food & he heard her & came out of his room & said he wanted it to...i swear my stomache turned & i instantly felt a hatred for chinese food so i ordered it for them & i ordered a pizza for myself...do you see what point im at?!this is beyond trying to fix things & make them better...the only thing that will help will be him leaving...so if anyone had stepkids & found a way to get rid of them could you please tell me how you did it?!

fedup13's picture

so if anyone had stepkids & found a way to get rid of them could you please tell me how you did it?!

» YES PLEASE DO TELL.

bsmith's picture

I feel your pain. I have a 16 year old stepson. Although I don't hate him actually. That could be further from the truth. He's a good kid. Does your wife get mad at you because you try to correct the behavior or try to discipline?

Sickstepdad's picture

Heres an example from a few hrs ago...i went into the bathroom because i had something in my eye so i was in the mirror...not even 2 minutes after i came out of the bathroom my stepson went in & was in there for a few minutes...right after he came out i went back because my eye was still bothering & needed the mirror...as soon as i look at the mirror there was a huge snot stuck right on the mirror...now i know for a fact it was him because 5 mins earlier i was in there & it wasnt on the mirror...he goes in & theres a snot on the mirror...now this is an example of why i hate him-in less than a month he will be 11 yrs old-what 11 yr old picks a snot out of their nose & wipes it on the bathroom mirror & leaves it there?!i hate him for doing shit like this at 11 yrs old-what is the point of that?!now this is why me & my wife fight & i cant stand her & it makes me hate him even more...i call her right in the bathroom & tell her to look at the mirror & right away she starts getting mad at me...i tell her the series of events & she gets mad at me saying im making it up just to pick on him & that i probably put it there myself & she starts to clean so i make a scene now...how dare you say something like that to another adult who just happens to be your husband & took you even with your baggage(i didnt say that to her i just think it)...so i go grab my shithead stepson,bring him in the bathroom & ask him why he did it...of course he lies & says he didnt so i say you think im stupid but im 32 yrs old & grew up in rough neighborhood so i might not be book smart but im one of the most street smart people you will ever meet & ive caught you every single time youve dome something wrong...now again why did you do this...& he stands there & shrugs his shoulders with a blank look on his face...then he says he did it & all my wife says is go to your room...where he has the tv on & is playing his portable video game while she cleans the mirror...so now my stomache is turned...so i go in his room & tell him the next time im not gonna tell his mother but im gonna grab him by his neck & make him clean the mirror with his tongue & ripped the video game out of his hand & took out the cable box & told him nothing for a week...now read a book or study or go to sleep & my wife came to the rescue getting mad at me saying thats uncalled for & that im an asshole right in front of him...so i say no your kid is an asshole for wiping snots on the mirror at 11 yrs old & your an asshole for defending him...does this make sense now why i hate him & im starting to hate her?!imagine living with this everyday?!it would have been over im 2 minutes if she had believed me called him in the bathroom & made him clean it & punished him for the night...that would of been the end of the story & noone would be upset & he probably wouldnt wipe snots on the mirror anymore BUT no she had to make the scene & he gets away again & will do it again now & me & her are in another fight now!

Sickstepdad's picture

Thank you...finally someone who understands me...i just wish it was that easy because we have 2 kids of our own(a 2 yr old & a 4 month old)& i cant bring myself to leave my kids!im not the evil stepparent either because i love my stepdaughter like she was my own!its just my stepson that i hate & i hate the way my wife acts when it comes to him!

amber3902's picture

Dude, I understand your frustration. I dated a man that whenever I said something about his son it caused an argument, with the dad stating I was picking on his son.
After a while I felt like I was walking on eggshells because SS would do something that would grate on my nerves - similar to your snot on the mirror incident- and I'd want to say something but was afraid if I did it would start an argument.
Fortunately for me I didn't have any kids with this guy so leaving was easier.

You don't want to divorce because you are afraid your wife will take your kids away,
I understand that. What you need to start doing is building your case right now.
You become super dad. Every doctor visit, dentist visit, play date, etc. you take the 2 and 4 month old to. You become the children's primary care giver. And document. If you get a work excuse for the doctor's visits, keep copies for your records.

Does your wife work? If not, you need to cut her allowance down to the bare minimum.
Stop paying for any thing unnecessary. Prepaid credit card for gas and groceries.

In a few years, your SD will be old enough to have a say in who she spends time with, so don't worry about being cut out of her life completely.

Start doing these things now. Maybe in a few years your wife might change, if so, great. But if not, by that time you will have a rock solid case proving you are your children's primary care giver and will have a good shot at getting joint if not primary custody of them.

Good luck!

jeff394's picture

My SS15 is not allowed in either my bedroom or my bathroom for those precise reasons. He thinks he can take anything from wherever he is, doesn't clean up after himself, and has no respect for other people's stuff. And I'm at the point that it really doesn't matter what his mom thinks, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

tjm's picture

I'm in similar situation with ss and dh. I'm to the point of hating dh along with his bratty selfish child. I told him four years ago this was going to happen. I would leave and take your biological children with you. They don't need to be around that kid.

Lea's picture

I would just like to pose a question, would you be the same if it was your bio child
Acting like this ? Feeling like giving up and heading out the door. Maybe your wife has also had her gut full with the child. Sounds as though she might take her frustration out on her daughter unread of arguing with you all of the time. I struggle to wonder why some men think of leaving when things go wrong and are not all that plain sailing. Have you asked him what's going on, bullied?? Struggling with the new children in his life? The tension between his parents? The sister who doesnt seem to do anything wrong in his eyes. If his reading and writing is bad at his age has this been addressed with the school? Not blame on his mother. I have a step father who had taken on me and my5 siblings, he has been in our life constantly for over 20 years. My brother gave the whole family hell for years but my step father stuck
In there. And for all of the work, tears, stress that we went through as individuals trying to accepts
Our bio father would not return and all through the terrible teens, sibling rivalry and tantrums that my step father had to deal
With, with not just one but 6 individuals. He stuck through it!! And we can't thank him enough for it .
I am also in a step family and feel that I do the lion shares as
The woman, but do I give up when it gets tough? No!
We took our child to a child counsellor where she would find the right questions to ask and he could
Spill everything out knowing that no one would know and I can honestly he is a lot happier and the step family is a happier and healthier place to be. Your wife needs help from you and you as a family/ unit
To to address it together. Not for you to change your working hours so you don't have to see him. That I find is selfish. Maybe it's a case of you deep down wanting to leave...

Ottenbreit2's picture

Hey man, I feel for you. I really do. I got a job as a custodian in a school so i could get away from my step son. When he comes home from a friends place on the weekends or even for breakfast in the morning, i too feel queezy to my stomach. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. i am trying to find the right words to sat to my wife on how i feel about him. He has been diagnosed with high functioning autism, which means pretty much "normal" except for a few things. We just renovated out bathrrom and it cost us $5,000. he has done two things now to cause damage to it. I think theyre intentional the wife says theres other reasons. Im at the same point you are in. Hope it works out for you. Ill post again when i find the right way to tell my wife how i truly feel. good luck.

northstreet's picture

Your stepson is probably acting out because of pent up anger over his bio dad leaving him. Get that boy some professional help. I had to call the police to restrain my 15 year old bio son when the anger finally came out. He tore the rod out of his closet and used it to beat holes in all his walls. He spent a week in a mental hospital over it. Things were really bad until the day my son finally had the courage to tell his bio dad that he hated him. His relationship with his stepdad was very strained then also...but they are great friends now and it's only 3 years later. I think couples counseling could help...having a neutral person encourage your wife to hold her son accountable for bad behavior might be what she needs to follow through. Not sure why she's hard on her daughter but not her son....sounds like she has some emotional issue over men leaving her too? Good luck and hang in there. It's so counterproductive to fight and call eachother names, especially in front of the kids. At the very least sit down with her when you are both calm and tell her how you feel....without name calling.

usmc1984's picture

Hang in there, I have been there I am lucky and my wife saw that she was being an unreasonable bitch. There was a time when I could do everything a dad does...pay the daycare..buy them crap...help with homework..go to school plays..take them to the park or to peter piper pizza etc...except be annoyed by anything they did or say anything negative about them. Its called me a step parent and it sucks the big one. Ss used to take a bite of an apple or whatever and throw it somewhere in the house and then go get another one. 12 apples in 2 days where none of them were actually eaten. I got mad about it and boom her and I were at war. Idont hate my skids...lol I hate 80% of the shit they do..which was from her being an over worked single mom with cobtrollibg pushover no clue about children parents who she lived with and deadbeat douche bag sperm donor's.

Rags's picture

If I were you I would start putting all of this on your bride. When you see something that your SS does do not address it directly with SS unless he is endangering himself or others.

When your 2yo was playing in her brothers room and you noticed the garbage dump under his bed it would have been better for you to pick up the 2yo gone to your wife and told her you went in to get your 2yo out of SS's room and noticed the problem under his bed. Then led your wife to his room and showed her then told her either she deals with SS when he gets home or you will.

When DW climbs SD-14's ass for an out of place pillow then bare DW's ass immediately. "Really? Your are climbing SD-14's ass when SS-11 is a disgusting pig who's room is a pigsty. Nope, not happening in my home. Do not say a word to SS-14 about chores until you get SS-11 and his nasty crap dealt with and SS-11 is doing chores consistently."

Put your foot down. Give DW a chance to talk about it in private with you but let her know that it will be delt with and SHE will deal with it or you will. She has a choice, get the parenting and discipline done before you have to or STFU.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rose.Colored.Glasses's picture

Rags,

You are really starting to become a favorite of mine on this site. I love your thinking! Can you come over to my house for awhile? Smile

valmont's picture

I'm an old skool Italian, also, so I completely understand your frustrations. However, I am also a female. I can tell you with 100% certainty that your wife does not respect you as a husband. She is disgracing the Italian traditional family values. Her shitty son is her husband, not you. And the people who will be most affected by it are SD and 2 year old daughter.
She should be a real woman and respect the man that vowed to love, support and cherish not only her but also her unruly kids. I highly doubt that many other men would. You don't have to deal with this. The stress is not good for you nor your BD. I would call a lawyer, document everything and see how you can go about getting physical custody of your daughter. Heck, your SD would probably volunteer to live with you, as well.

Pissedoffatstepson's picture

Ok here goes, i married a women with a 27 year old son. Well to say the least i hate him, he sleeps till 2pm in the afternoon, he lives with me and my wife, he goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at 2pm and watches videos all day on youtube. He has never had a real job, he works for 6 months and then gets fired and lives off unemployment and then spends all of that on going to exoctic locations, he been on umemployment for more than 1 year.

So he lives with his father for 6 months and them his mother for 6 months, he has a education in finance, but doesnt use it. So i have been with my wife for 1 year here and 9 months of that one year he has lived with us and has not worked and just sleeps and sleeps and does nothing, and he claims he is looking for a job, i hate him, he is a total bum, my wife defends him, i want to choke him. He takes showers here with his 10 year old grandson, and he is 27, to me this is sick, sick, sick, but my wife says its ok its normal, so i live and married this total disfunctional family and i cant stand it and i hate the son.

Rags's picture

The next time POS SS-27 moves to his BioDad's for the six mo rotation sell the house and move. Or at least rekey the locks and inform, do not discuss, do not listen to excuses, inform your bride that her toxic spawn is no longer a presence in your marital home.

He is degreed, and he is a POS. He can be a POS somewhere else.

No discussion, no compromise, no Skid in your home, ever, for any reason.

You do realize that your wife is the problem right. This idiot man child is only doing what his mommy has trained him to do.

Good luck.