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Fellow dad's

TD 1017's picture

So I presented this in a different form and I should have come to the place for father's to ask my question.

So I have a live in gf and she has 3 kids, I have two of my own. I have mine 99% of the time hers are now full time as well because they're BD move out of state. Bottom line is I am not a fan of her kids. They are rude to her constantly they are rude to my kids but strangely respectful to me. Her kids come from a physical and emotional abusive home and unfortunately they have seen and been through a lot. Also my gf has a difficult time disciplining them and she barely commands respect. I have tried to help with their behavior but it's difficult due to years of abuse and a very $hitty role model.

I want to continue our relationship but not sure if I want to continue to deal with her kids. Some thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Acratopotes's picture

Simply disengage from her kids, you teach yours, she teaches her, until the day she tells her kids TD is my partner and the other adult in the house, you will listen to him... then you can step up and discipline them same as what you would do with yours.

Start having Military school pamphlet's around the house, she can simply tell her children, you are looking into that for them....
Support your GF and get her to ignore them if they are bratty, she should simply ignore them, no food nothing, not even doing their laundry for the,.
If the kids screams and swear at her, she should simply turn around and walk away... no screaming no yelling nothing, keep quiet and walk away till they come begging for forgiveness, I'm a super bitch, when mine did this teen behavior crap on me, I would ignore him, change the wifi password and took the cable card away... sorry kiddo I'm paying for all off this, you use it but yet you act like a brat... you can't use my stuff anymore...
I warned mine since age 13, if he does not cut it out he will have consequences, 2 years later his ass ended up in a boarding school...

Iamwoman's picture

I thought you got some pretty great advice on the last thread. There's really not much left to say, and most father's would say the same (not many on this site though, but we love the ones who are here).

Rags's picture

One thing that needs to happen and happen NOW IMHO... set the rules of reasonable behavior for the home and hold all the kids accountable for adhering to those standards. Whether your SO wants to enforce them or not.

My dad made it crystal clear to my brothers and I that disrespecting his wife would not be tolerated. That dad's wife happens to be our mom was not the point.

Mom is dad's wife first and foremost. Far before she is our mother. We were never allowed to forget that. I held my SS to that same standard.

So, give that message to your wife's prior relationship spawn and stick to enforcing the standards of behavior in your home.

I would were I you.

Vafanculo's picture

Honestly, you need to seriously consider whether you should move forward with this relationship. If you already dislike them just wait a few more years and you won’t be able to stand them at all. You’re relationship will fall apart if you don’t like her kids. Blended family’s are hard enough to keep together without starting on the wrong foot. 

SoDisappointed's picture

I am pretty raw from my own situation, but let me speak on two very important points...

First, you and you SO absolutely need to be on the same page on this and your relationship must take priority. If her kids take priority, it will end up undermining everything else. Set the rules and be clear of the consequences for the kids if they don’t follow. Rules, boundaries, and limitations are key. The kids don’t need another best friend. They need a parent. It’s up to you and you SO to decide who can correct each other’s kids, but you must have each other’s backs. 

Second, disengagement is hard. Very hard. And it is filled with mine fields that will blow up in your face. There can be anger and resentment from everyone involved. And again if you and your SO don’t agree on this plan, your relationship will suffer. You will have days that you mess up on disengaging, and if your SO has your back, you can recover and make corrections. If not, then there are a whole new set of problems that will affect your relationship. 

I wish I had headed the red flags at the early stages of my relationship. At least I would have not gone through with the wedding until the issues were addressed. Sadly after 10 months being married, it’s coming to an end because of what I described above.