Could really use a Bio dads opinion!
Hey everyone,
Sooo I’m not officially a step parent yet, as me and my partner aren’t married but he does he a child.
I guess lately I’ve been thinking about our future and it really bothers me that I’m going to miss out on firsts with him. I mean having kids, being engaged, etc will be ours as a couples first and my first, but it won’t be his firsts and I just don’t know how to deal with that.
Im probably over reacting but I feel as though none of it will be as special and I’ll always feel like I’m being compared to his past experiences (even though he says he won’t) or second best. I’m also scared for our future children and how them coming into a world where their dad has another family may effect them.
Its bothering me so much that I’m becoming resentful and thinking along the lines of not having him have anything to do with our first pregnancy. And I guess feeling this way is making me question is this the right relationship for me?
I would love to know from a person in his position who has kids but is seeing someone else how they would honestly feel in this situation. I’m just terrified I won’t ever get past this feeling.
I guess a bit of back story.. we’ve been together for two years and his kid is fine, we don’t have any issues but I hate viewing myself as a parental figure at all purely because I’ve not chosen to have kids yet. My parents love his child and basically view her has a grandchild which also upsets me because I feel as though that’s another first he has taken from me, I wanted to give my parents a grandchild but now his child is viewed as their first.
And then there is the child’s mother, who is a questionable one at that, that has given us grief from the moment we got together. Which also doesn’t help in the situation, knowing what she capable of and could cause if she were to find out one day we’re having a child. I really don’t want my future children to have anything to do with her.
Though I am not a BioDad. You are sooooo wrong.
All of these things will be his firsts... They will be his firsts with you.
I am 12yrs older than my bride of nearly 24 years. I was married before, I had seen much of the world, and I had experienced a very full and diverse life before I met her. I graduated with my BS a few months after we met during the last semester of my 11yr undergrad adventure and her 1st semester of college after high school. We met when she was 18, I was 29 and her son was 15mos old. I had not been a dad before... or since for that matter. SS is an only child in our marriage.
Since then we have raised our son togther (My SS - 25 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen), she finished her dual major undergrad, we both finished MBAs, we both completed professional certifications (Her a CPA and me a CMRP), we have both had challenging and successful careers, and though I had grown up internationally and lived internationally for many years prior to meeting her... for the past 7 years we had an international Expat adventure of our own.
Though I had done many of these things prior to meeting her.... I had not experienced them with her, seen them through her eyes, watched her face as she saw things that were old hat for me but brand new for her. I was seeing and experiencing these things for the first time.... with her.
So, you are wrong. Marrying you, having children with you, experiencing life with you... will be firsts for your FDH just as they will be firsts for you. His X has his past, you are and have his future. Do not give his past power over the future the two of you will make together.
As for the grandparents... my SS is my parents eldest grandchild but not their first. Our niece was born 5mos before my wife and I married. My parents met my SS before my niece was born and I fear for anyone who would take the position that SS is not theirs. He is. That your own parents accept your FDH's child as their own is a wonderful thing. Adding a BK of your own to that is a positive... and yes... your BK will be your parent's first BGK and will as such be a first for all of you.
Quit getting in your own way with this fabricated non crisis. If this man is THE one then dive in and move forward as equity life partners with this man (and that also makes you equity parents to any children in your relationship). If your fabricated issues are a deal breaker... then do this guy, his child, your parents and yourself a favor and move on.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
Thanks for your opinion. I
Thanks for your opinion. I probably wouldn’t have ever called it a crisis because I know it’s not. And as fabricated as it is with all the “what if’s” they were my feelings and they are real.
I guess I’ve just never been in this situation before and was having some serious doubts.
But again thank you for your opinion, and I appreciate your perspective on just looking at the now and the future. I’ll definitely think more about that.
It is just my own experience.
I do not discount your feelings. Feelings are much of the spice of life. However, they are not intellectual tools, analytical tools, or effective tools for problem solving. I make my living problem solving so I file emotion where it works for me and I address problems as just challenges needing a solution.
As such... I am told frequently by my bride that she is not a problem for me to solve nor are her challenges problems for me to solve. So, I am completely used to confident strong women telling me to bite my tongue.
I hope that you can work through your feelings and be in a good place... whatever you decide.
Not a BD, but a SM. Your
Not a BD, but a SM. Your feelings are very real to you, and I have shared some of those same feelings, particularly around having kids.
My SSs will never be "mine". They will never ask for me to adopt them. They will never consider me their mother. I am a childless woman even with decent SSs who respect me.
DH and I are actively planning kids, and the little hurts have already started. I find cute little things that I would love to have for a nursery, but DH is practical about it. He knows what is needed for a baby. We won't fumble through newbornhood or waste copius amounts of money on baby books. Our child, while being my first, will be his third.
It will be his parents' fourth grandchild.
It will be a little sibling, not an only child and probably never an older sibling.
My child will be THE for me versus A for DH.
And that reality stings. The practicality that comes from my DH stings. Even his efforts to be "doting Dad" and telling me he'll stay up at night with the baby stings because he will do it because he has done it before.
Only you can decide if these are stings or gashes to your soul. Your SO will never be able to convince your brain that these will all be "firsts" if you yourself don't believe. It's also not wrong to want to have all these firsts with someone else who is also experiencing these same firsts with you. Love is an extremely important component to any marriage, but so is compatibility, shared goals, and an even playing field. If you already feel off-kilter in what is "even", then you are either going to have to work extra hard in the other areas or determine if it is too mismatched to continue.
Ugh you are a god sent. Thank
Ugh you are a god sent. Thank you for everything you just said, it helps massively.
I just had a baby (my first)
I just had a baby (my first) 6 months ago with my husband who has a 6 year old daughter that lives with us full time. The key is, he has to be open and understanding.
I told DH right off the bat, look, I know you’ve done this before but I haven’t and it’s so important that we make this a first for US and it’s not all about SD. I don’t want comparisons or anything like that. I don’t want this baby to be referred to as our second child. If you make comments about him looking like SD I will think of BM and it’ll hurt because our child isn’t hers.
He was great! At ultrasounds when they’d ask “is this your first?” He’d smile and say yup. While we shopped, he never told me “we won’t use that” and let me get all the stupid things FTMs get. He left it up to me when we included SD and he’s allowed me freedom to “spoil” first baby as any Mom would, I just don’t rub it in SDs face or anything. We recently had a little half birthday celebration for him! SD tried to get jealous but DH shut it down and told her this is sunshinex’s first time with a baby and she’s enjoying herself, stop putting a damper on it... you had your turn being a baby.
Also I was worried he’d know more than me or be more experienced but every baby is so, soooo different. I learned our baby really quickly so he’s the one that comes to me for tips and tricks and stuff. Usually mom learns first so you’ll be fine :)
As rags said, these are YOUR firsts together and if you need to tell him to pretend he’s never done these things before, do so! Tell him it’s nothing personal, just that you’d always dreamed of these moments so you’d like to have them.
"you had your turn being a baby." Your DH is brilliant!
My dad gave me clarity with this when I was in my early teens. He told me I had had my turn to be 6-ish and it was my younger brothers turn now and I would no be allowed to interfer in his turn. Just as he was not allowed to interfere in me being a teen.
It is a lesson I took to heart and one I think many parents could learn to adopt with their own children... particularly in blended family situations with young "ours" children.
Thank you
I really can’t thank you all enough for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. It’s definitely helped immensely.
Sharing thoughts and concerns on here really did feel like a last resort as I know of no one personally who is in a similar situation, even though there are plenty of stepfamilies out there. So being able to hear all of your situations has been so uplifting.
Thank you
Hit home with me
I read your post and felt like I was reading something I would’ve written 4 years ago. Let me just say first off that your feelings are very natural. Marrying someone with children was never something I thought I would do until I met my wife. I decided at the time my love for her was stronger than my fears and hesitations. I don’t regret making that decision but over the years I have come to see so much I didn’t understand. For instance, I had no idea how I would feel when my daughter was born. I had thought long and hard about how I thought things would go, but until she was born, I was naive. There’s a certain nagging inside of us that makes us feel betrayed even though our spouse didn’t cheat on us. It’s easy to feel upset they didn’t wait until they met the right person. We’re told that we’re the ones who chose to marry them so we have to accept their child as a part of the package, but inside we feel like we deserve a little more credit for loving them despite them bringing added stress and responsibility into our lives. Any normal person wants to experience all those firsts with the love of their life and it’s easy to feel resentful. I felt it and I still do. When my daughter was born I realized I had never known true love. I then realized how much I didn’t love my wife’s daughter. It made me feel like a horrible person and the guilt began to turn me into an angry person. I became more resentful to my wife and my stepdaughter. I found it hard to show my step daughter any love or affection and I would feel even worse when I showed my own daughter love and affection in front of her. Nothing felt natural or unstrained. I came to the conclusion that I was completely unprepared for the emotions and hardship of having a blended family. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into and no idea how to move forward. Over time I have learned to deal with these feelings but I still have trouble sometimes. I had to admit to myself and my wife that I wasn’t ever going to be the perfect person we both expected me to be. I’m only human.
Onto my advice.
Refuse to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You love him and you want a future with him but that doesn’t mean you should disregard all the hopes or dreams you ever had. If he loves you he will understand your feelings and discuss them with you. He needs to understand that HE is choosing YOU and by doing that he must commit to putting you first in his life despite having children. Your feelings should be his priority. If he is unable to empathize with your internal struggle you need to seriously consider your future. I wish I would’ve discussed my feelings more in depth with my wife before we got married. It’s easy for a parent to expect their spouse to love their kid as much as they do, but it’s often impossible. He needs to understand that you are putting yourself and your future at risk and he is getting a second chance at real love and a real family.
Don’t expect your feelings to go away over time. If you feel this way now your feelings will only get stronger when your own child comes into the mix. Feelings of resentment can easily turn to anger and hate if unaddressed. You must realize that you may never grow to love his child the way you think you will and you may never stop wanting what you want now. In order for this to work you and your spouse must have clear boundaries and expectations established. Find out what he really expects from you when it comes to parenting his child. Let him know what you desire and how you see your future family. Remember, it’s your family. You are not a guest in someone else’s family. He must see that for it to work. It’s your house, your marriage and eventually your kids. Yes, you have to be willing to co-exist with his child, but you must have realistic expectations, otherwise it is easy to fall into a pattern of guilt and resentment.
Thank you
thank you for being so real, so honest and so open.
The relief of knowing other people are going through what I’m scared of and succeeding as difficult as it is.
I Thank you whole heartedly for sharing
SM here. I was in your shoes
SM here. I was in your shoes a long time ago. Today, I have no regrets. I have a SS who I love with all my heart. We also had a son together. It may not have been my husband's first child, but it was his first with me! It was actually pretty handy that he was experienced lol. If you are a SM or SD I don't believe that it is ever easy. Our road was filled with challenges, but what in life isn't? My only advice now would be be true to yourself, be flexible but not a doormat, and don't sweat the little stuff.
I just gave that book to both
I just gave that book to both my bride and my kid. (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It's All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life - Richard Carlson Ph D)
They both struggle with what I refer to as "What if... and ya but" -itis. While I am more of a if it hurts don't do that again and make it happen kind of person.
To me this is a key perspective regarding quality and enjoyment of life. In the case of many Sparents we have a tendency to lament the past of people we didn't even historically know and let that detract from our own lives today and into the future.
I try to keep focused on making sure to not worry/sweat over anything I have no control over and anything in the past. While I am a student of history and believe whole heartedly in learning from my own history as well as the history of others I do not lament past occurances. I choose to be congnizant of the past as to not repeating or tolerating the repetition of past behaviors that returned negative results.
Not sweating the small stuff is a powerful perspective.