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Considering moving in with her...Advice please?

Sgt Biggs's picture

Hi All,
First a little about the situation.

I'm 40y/o with a 9y/o bio son who I have in my care 50/50% (week on week off).

Girlfriend of 2 1/2 years has 2 kids D12 & S10.
She has them a majority of the time but bio dad has them from Wednesday-Monday every second week.

Up until recently my girlfriend was living with her parents after her divorce.
She's recently decided to rent her own place as she couldn't afford to buy a property.

Before she decided to rent she began hinting towards cohabitating with me.
I own my own home and don't have a mortgage, we had earlier discussed living together but she would prefer it that we rent somewhere together as my place only has 3 bedrooms.
It is possible though to convert some living space into a 4th bedroom.

I basically squashed the idea for a number of reasons:

1. I've moved a lot recently and I don't want to move again, my house is in a great area and very convenient as its directly across the road from my sons school.
2. I don't know how I would go dealing with her kids full time.

The D is coming into her teenage years and at times her behavior is hard to put up with.
Mostly she's ok, we do have a pretty good relationship but she has already pulled the "Your not my father card", when I attempted to discipline her.
She can be very loud and fights with her brother constantly which is very tiring.
She gets on really well with my son though.

The S just loves being around my son and I, they get on great most of the time.
(It's usually when the 3 are together that fighting and trouble arises.)
Her boys ok and has a lot of good qualities, he's always willing to help out in the yard, mowing the lawn etc.

On the other hand he can be hard work at times, he'll start arguments with the other kids then cry when he's pulled up on it. Or just generally cry when things don't go his way.
I feel he gets away with this behavior with his mum because he's "sensitive" or "tired" or "hungry".

In short they get on my nerves at times and I'm weighing up the pros and cons of moving in with her.

I consider my girlfriend a quality woman, she is very driven and works hard at her own business while juggling the kids. She's a good mum, I can openly discuss her children's behavior most of the time. She is supportive of me disciplining her children but at the end of the day I feel that the kids know I don't really have full authority over them.

The other concern I have is that the bio dad will cause problems or decide to move away leaving us with the children full time.
He's a bit emotionally unstable so drama is possible.

So what's in it for me to cohabitate?

I like the idea of having a family unit.
I'd like my son to have the experience of having siblings.
I'm sick of working casual menial jobs with no set roster so I can be there for my son each week.
Working with a partner we could both relax a little, share the duties, have a little more spending money etc.

Is this Disneyland thinking?
I'm hoping to hear from others that have been at this point, would you have changed your decision to move in together?

Sgt Biggs's picture

I generally discipline her children when I can see shes becoming frustrated and they're not listening to her.
I prefer not to but there is a point where I will intervene particularly if the misbehavior is occurring in my home.
We discussed the extent of my involvement before I began providing her support on this.
She appreciates the extra support and has supported any decisions I've made so far regarding disciplining her children.
Also, as I've mentioned, my son is often involved (we get a kind of 3's a crowd type thing going on) so it's not as easy as simply disciplining your own.

Acratopotes's picture

NO do not move in with her, wait till all children is out of the house....

This from an experienced SM... I moved in, skid moved in, I moved out and I live in my own house and SO and his brat lives in our house.... I might move back if skid is gone....

You never know when 50/50 changes to permanent, parenting styles are different...

saying all of this... I do spend nights at SO's... he's not allowed in my house I'm a bit COD lol... he will have to cope with it once we are back in the same house..... We do holiday together with all kids and it's not fun... my kid is 20 and comes and goes as he please, SO's brat is 17... she only stays a day or so before she leaves....

so do not move in... you will damage the relationship more then doing good... living separately is the best, they are doing studies on it and it starts to show that marriages with split living arrangements is currently doing better then marriages where all lives in one house.... googel it if you do not belief me

keep finances separate, you pay for your side, she pays for hers, you do not help her paying her debts....
Adults buys gifts for their bio's and if you feel like it for the skids, if you don't feel like it then don't.
If you go over for sinner at her place, contribute, wine, drinks, a salad.... nothing more and nothing less, if she comes over to your place for dinner and she contributes nothing but cleans up the kitchen and all the dishes... then it's fair, you can also just clean up after dinner at her place, but being a woman... I would appreciate if you could bring wine and cool drink for all kids... only because I'm COD and I prefer cleaning my own kitchen with bleach...

yolo222's picture

I'm curious though, why even be married if you are going to live separate, have separate finances, and disengage. Why not just date. ? To me that is dating. Doesn't seem like a marriage???!!!

Acratopotes's picture

@ yolo222 - we are not married, I decline yearly when he asks, I might reconsider when his brat is out of the house, and seeing we do not live in the same house I do not see any reason why I should help him financially, his debt his problem. There's no way I will ever help SO paying off his debt, his an adult man and should know how to be financially responsible.

Sgt Biggs's picture

Thank you for the reply.
A change in circumstances is certainly a concern for me, at the moment we are both roughly 50/50% so my GF and I get to enjoy a few nights and a weekend each fortnight where we are totally kid free.

If this arrangement was to continue I'd feel a lot more comfortable with moving in together.

The trouble is last year bio dad moved out of town to start a new relationship and didn't have his kids for about 2-3 months.
Then his relationship failed, he moved back to town but rented a room from another family with their own children.
The kids would go there and all have to sleep in the one room, there was also issues with the other children.
The lack if consistency took its toll on the kids and it was evident in their behavior at the time.

Right now BD has his own place and has been having them consistently for the last 4 or so months.

Acratopotes's picture

SGT B - bio dad is already showing himself as an flake.... in your shoes I would not move in together I will simply wait till kids are adults and on their own...

Oh there's a dead line to that of course... if you do not go to college you will work 45 hours a week, if you drop out of college you are on your own and due date is after high school graduation, this counts for all step and bio children... if they are in college it's fine for them to come home holidays, but they still will work during holidays and not just mess up the house and sponge of me

Sgt Biggs's picture

This is true, bio dad can be very flakey.
He hasn't been too bad for the last few months but a about a month ago my girl got a call from her D while she was in BDs care. She was crying and sick and BD was passed out drunk apparently. GF had to go and get her.

On the next visit the D rang her mother again saying she was sick and BD was asking what he should do as he thought it might have been 'girl problems' he'd been drinking again so couldn't drive her anywhere.
GF calmed the D down over the phone then told BD to deal with it and get her help if need be.
D is a bit of a hypercondriac mind you.

Then only yesterday her S was ringing crying saying he wanted to come home as BD was yelling and swearing at him.
GF thinks the S is out of sorts because school is just starting again (new class etc.) but this kid does know how to push buttons and will then flip to tears when reprimanded because he's "sooooo sensitive".

So there is a lot going on and it's hard to know if the kids behaviour is a result of the circumstances or if sometimes the circumstances are a result of the kids behaviour if you know what I mean.

Oh, and the night before last GF gets all teary and tells me "sometimes I just feel like a booty call to you".

While I do consider her a quality woman, doing a good job under tough circumstances, now is not the right time to progress any further.
In fact the more I actually write about the situation the uglier it all seems to look.

Acratopotes's picture

"Oh, and the night before last GF gets all teary and tells me "sometimes I just feel like a booty call to you"."

This is the worst thing in your relationship that can be said.... Sgt Biggs, I think you should simply end this relationship, this girl is not as great as you think.... I am sorry but from another female... she's looking for a new father and financial security for her children, she wishes to get married, then stay at home "looking after the children". You as the new husband will have to cough up the living standard, but you will have no right to discipline her children, they will come before you...

I moved out 4 years ago, due to different parenting styles in my house, I only spend maybe Saturday evening at SO's... he never spends a night at my place, I visit during the week, I will go over, help him with things, cook and clean then I simply go home around 10 pm.... If I have something at my house that needs fixing I call SO and he will come over and try and help... yes i say try cause dang the man has no logic lol... I end up fixing the original problem and all the other damaged he caused.... but with him there, I can see what he tries and from there I will get a clear new plan...

Oh allot of times we have quickies hehehehe so some how it works for us.... I never told SO he sees me as a booty call, or a wallet.... he never said anything like that to me... we did discuss marriage before but I'm not for it, SO was upset about it but he saw the light.... why should we do the whole circus and ring thing, we simply promised each other we will be true to each other, that's commitment enough for me... I might move back next year or not at all...
maybe only when I'm 65.... so that he at least can call the ambulance if I fall or something Wink

Sgt Biggs's picture

I was a bit taken back by that comment I have to admit but I have experienced this kind of emotional manipulation before, I just wasn't expecting a comment like that from her.

In saying that I have to listen to tears about one thing or another on an almost weekly basis, sometimes I do wonder if some of it's put on.

I know she wants security, she has told me that point blank and I do understand her point of view.

She is a very driven lady and I don't believe she would want to simply sit back and give up work though.
She does a lot for me and always contribute way when we go out for dinner etc.

I really don't want to end the relationship, the fact that she's hung in there for this long tells me she values our relationship and it's not just about gaining security.

I'll just continue to be honest with her and if she decides that what we have isn't enough then what will be will be.

Acratopotes's picture

and why is it your responsibility to make sure GF has security? Why can't she make sure of her own security, financial and emotional.....??

I do not depend on SO for any kind of security, I provide my own, simply because what would happen if a bus hits him on his way home? I just don't get it this day and age where woman depend on men for security....

maybe it's because in Africa we work totally different

Aunt Agatha's picture

You are spot on about everything else though Acratopotes!

Why on god’s Green earth does any woman think it’s a man’s job to make her financially secure?!?  As an adult, it’s my job to make sure I take care of myself.

Sgt., these statements should be a wake up call.  Do not move in with this woman.  Yes, everyone has times where we wish magically things would change, but then it’s time to stop wallowing and fix it.  She’s being manipulative.  If she’s crying weekly, she needs to seek professional help because that is a signal things aren’t well with her.  You can be a support, but it’s not fair for you to be her only support, emotionally, financially or otherwise.

If she can’t accept what is fair to you and her, then maybe you and her need to find someone more compatible.  

Frankly, the entire situation sounds exhausting!

yolo222's picture

You need to decide what you want. You say you want a family unit yet you don't want to deals with her kids etc. do you love this woman? Do you want to be with her forever? Or do you just want to have your cake and eat it to ? It sounds to me like you need a woman with no kids. Based on what you have said this relationship is not going to work long term. Please don't move in with her. And tell her what you have told us here. In fact show her this thread. It's very honest and blunt in regards to what you said. Then see how she feels when she knows how you are thinking. Honestly sounds like you have some deal breakers and this woman is not for you. She needs to know that. Don't string her along

You ask what's in it for you? Does t sound like u love this woman!?? Do you? 2 1/2 years is a good amount of time to date. Your woman wants more. If you are not ready for that let her go

Sgt Biggs's picture

Yes, I love this woman and can see us growing old together, that in part is why I'm reluctant to move in with her.
I'd hate for us to lose what we have because of resentment growing out of the pressures of blending a family.

yolo222's picture

That's just it. The situation is ideal for the guy but this woman wants more. She wants to be with her man and live life with him. He doesn't want that. He wants to date because he fears what will happen if he moves the relationship forward. In the meantime his woman is getting restless because she doesn't have what she wants. Resentment is going to build. I know because I was this woman and it is natural for a woman that loves u more than anything to want to have the maximum commitment that she deserves. You refuse to give that to her. And she continues to live separate from her man. She will not be happy with this arrangement for too much longer. One of the reasons I left my prior relationship of over four years is that my fiancé would not marry me along with many other reasons. You two don't want the same thing.

You say you want to grow old with this woman yet you don't want to move forward or move in. And or marry this woman after 2 years. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You want someone to be there for u, have sex with you etc etc but you don't want to move forward in the relationship because of the kids?? I'm sorry but you are doing this woman's disservice. Don't do this to your girlfriend. If u don't want to move forward. Let her go.

Sgt Biggs's picture

The situation is not ideal for either of us, the ideal would be that we do live together and successfully blend the 2 families.
You're correct in saying that I do see myself growing old with this woman but the kids will be gone by the time I would consider us old.

I guess the crux of the matter is that most SM's obviously want security and as others have mentioned some are simply looking for man to lock down asap to provide that security.

I'd like to think that we have more than that but I wouldn't be the first man to be fooled.

I've been honest with her about how I feel and the concerns I have about living together.
I certainly haven't ruled it and that's why I'm here trying to get other opinions and view points.
I'm not one to rush into things.

If she decided to end it over the fact that I'm not prepared to move in with her well then that's her decision.
I'd consider that a bullet dodged as it would show that it was never really about us but more about her need for security.

yolo222's picture

You have a lot of excuses after 2.5 years. If I were your gf I would dump u. Seems like your gf is currently supporting herself and her kids. She wants to move the relationship along and u don't that is going to cause problems. Not saying u have to rush into things but a timeline should be discussed and if u can't come up with one you should part ways. After that long I would be expecting a marriage proposal not just a live in arrangement

Sgt Biggs's picture

I'll have to disagree as I don't consider them excuses. I consider them reasons and good ones at that.
As I've mentioned I have great respect for my GF and I'd love to move things forward so again I'd have to disagree with the statement you've made that I don't want to go forwards.
I'm just not prepared to step into a vortex of never ending drama.

If she decides to dump me as you would well that's her choice at the end of the day.

How did that go for you after you dropped the guy who wouldn't marry you?
Did you marry mr right in the end?

hereiam's picture

I own my own home and don't have a mortgage

1. I've moved a lot recently and I don't want to move again, my house is in a great area and very convenient as its directly across the road from my sons school.
2. I don't know how I would go dealing with her kids full time.

To me, this is a no brainer, I would NOT move in with her.

You think you'll have more money? You have no mortgage, why would you pay rent with her?

There is NOTHING relaxing about living with someone elses kids. Or dealing with the ex.

So, she was living with her parents and "hinting" at moving in with you? I would definitely let her be on her own for awhile, for that reason alone.

SMforever's picture

^^^This^^^ totally agree

Nothing to gain, a lot of risks

Sgt Biggs's picture

No, it's not about her wanting financial support and her parents weren't getting sick of her being there.
it was just time for her to go as she needed her own space after 2 years.
I can understand that as my own mother can drive me round the bend in a matter of weeks!

Rags's picture

Take it slow, don't move in together, and do not give up the financial and stability security of your current home. Let your SO get out on her own and out of her parents home and see how she navigates that process for a while before you look at actually blending into a single household.

Even then I would be wary of giving up your home.

Good luck.

Sgt Biggs's picture

"To me, this is a no brainer, I would NOT move in with her."
"You think you'll have more money? You have no mortgage, why would you pay rent with her?"

I've never really seriously entertained the idea of renting with her, if anything it would be her moving into my house.
At one point we discussed the possibility of living together, I said she could move in here and I'd convert some space to a 4th bedroom.
She replied with "where would the piano go?" I kind of let it go after that figuring she needs to adjust her expectations a little.

I think we would both be better off financially as I could go back to full time work and she could cut her hours back to just work school hours.
You see at the moment she works long hours and I have time on my hands between casual jobs.
It's a reversal of the typical male female roles.

I would benefit by returning to proper work and progressing in a career while she would benefit by having the time to run the household.
We both feel that we would be happier in the in the traditional male/female roles.

Sgt Biggs's picture

"So, she was living with her parents and "hinting" at moving in with you? I would definitely let her be on her own for awhile, for that reason alone."

Maybe "hinting" wasn't the correct word for it. She has expressed clearly that she yearns for us to be a family unit at some point.
I was completely honest and told her that my main concern was the children's behavior would cause resentment between us.

"the fact she has just begun being independent means she needs to do that first.
she lived with a husband then lived with her parents and now wanted to live with you?
its called co-dependent."

Lol I think that's a bit of a stretch labeling someone codependent based on those facts alone, don't you?

"living on her own with her kids will teach her many things and also instill some self confidence.
at minimum 1 year she needs to live and be successful on her own.
NOW if she fails, goes into major debt, borrows money from you or anyone, gets evicted...those are red flags that she hasn't figured out how to function 100% on her own yet. in which she will need MORE time to figure it out.

why would she require you to give up a mortgage free home in a good location to pay rent? thats not money smart. that means her mind isnt quite there yet in the financial department."

She actually is quite independent and good with money and has successfully run her own business while also caring for her children.
She decided to move in with her parents after the divorce to save more money, the divorce was messy and resulted in legal fee's in the tens of thousands. While she has $120K + in the bank it's not quite enough of a deposit for her to get her own home.
The banks here don't like lending to the self employed.

She had planned to stay with with the parents until she could get her own home but after 2 years it got too much for her living there and she needed to get out.
It was during this time that we discussed the possibility of moving in together.
At the time the kids behavior was a bit erratic possibly because of bio dads situation and also living with the parents.

Now that bio dad seems more stable and my GF has her own place things are settling down to the point where I would consider possibly moving in with her.

Certainly not in the near future but 12 months time perhaps if things remain stable.

Sgt Biggs's picture

I'm in Australia and I've experienced myself how the banks view the self employed. You're far better off having stable employment.

Sgt Biggs's picture

Although we didn't discuss it in depth my assumption would be we pay half rent each.
It really doesn't matter though, after thinking about it for a bit the only move will be her moving into my place.

Her concern was that my place would be too small, but she is now renting a small place with a large yard to maintain so we'll see how that goes for a while.
I'm thinking my place might not look so bad after 12 months there.

It'll also give some time to see how the kids settle down in their own place.
It's no rush really and while i can see some benefits I don't want them to be outweighed by the negatives.

I was actually hoping to hear some positive stories about blended families but this may not be the right place for that.
I still appreciate all the comments and it pays to be mindful of how things can go in the wrong direction.

Rags's picture

On the positive side..... I have had an amazing blended family life. My wife and I met when SS-24 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

I raised him as my own. We lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support order for the 16 years of SS's child hood after we married and my wife had lived under one (though less comprehensive in nature) for the year prior to our marriage.

We were the 3musketeers. We had a great time and are still having one. The key is that my bride and I agreed early on that our marriage was the unequivocal priority for both of us. We also agreed that raising SS was the top marital responsibility but would never take precedence over our relationship. Part of that agreement is that since we are equity partners in life we would be equity parents to any children in our home regardless of kid biology. As it worked out SS is an only child for us.

Part of that commitment was protecting SS's best interests which included mitigating as much of the toxic manipulations from the SpermClan as possible. My wife and I partnered very effectively in that regard and in most other regards with relative few misalignments over the 23+ years of our relationship.

For me the watershed moment of my Steplife as a SDad was two years ago when my son asked me to adopt him. He was 22 and as an adult did not require the approval of his BioDad or anyone else in the SpermClan. SO after 20 years we got papers making official what has always been the case. I am his dad. He and his mom now share the same family name for the first time in their lives. It was a moving for them as it was for me. Seeing the family name on his Uniform has my heart bursting with pride every time I see it.

You can have an amazing marriage and life in a blended family.... however, IMHO, the key is that you and your SO have to be very focused in your discussions and agreements on how you will parent together and you will have to hold her accountable for having your back as far as parenting her children is concerned.. The same goes in the other direction.

It is far from easy but it certainly can happen for couples on subsequent marriages to create very healthy blended families that can be as strong as stable initial families.

Since this is a vent site you are perfectly right, for the most part the issues dealt with here are not generally on the positive side of the blended family adventure.

Good luck.

ChiefGrownup's picture

We are happy. SD is not happy but my giveaduck on that is broken. SS is VERY happy. It's a fantastic marriage.

You have at least one ingredient already for a good blended family: "She appreciates the extra support and has supported any decisions I've made so far regarding disciplining her children."

She has empowered you and she supports you. My dh has done this with me but I only use it to a certain extent. SD was already 13 when we married and my philosophy of parenting is vastly different from her dad's so of course I am very, very judicious about when I intervene with her. She has learned to stay just this sound of my boundary most of the time so it works more or less.

You also have one ingredient for a failed step-family: bio dad is an unstable nightmare. That's the kind of thing that drives people to become regulars here at ST.

But the thing that concerns me most is your lukewarm feeling for moving in together. You should not move in together because you could get a better job and she could relax her hours etc. You should move in together because you very much want to have a life together and to face all obstacles together. You should do it because you have both confidence and faith in your relationship that the two of you will weather all storms.

The fact that your businesslike analysis of the situation leads you into doubts about the success of it tells me you are not ready. You need much more rocket fuel than that to take on step-life, a drunk bio-dad, and a mouthy teen girl.