Sorry to hear you're having trouble with family. If it were me, I would share the cookies with your Wife. And thank your daughter by calling her, not son in law. Letting her know how much you both enjoyed them. Sounds like this was a peace offering and she wanted her husband to extend the olive branch with his text. 

Well, we don't know what happened a week ago but as far as the cookies, even if they are meant just for you, you can share them with whomever you like so I would let that go.

I was an adult when  my parents divorced and they both remarried.  My kids were also adults when I remarried.  I got along great with both, and referred to them as my stepmother/stepfather, but honestly didn't celebrate their birthdays. Same with my adult kids and my husband. I don't expect birthday cards from his adult kids.  I may not have addressed all their mail/gifts to my parent and stepparent.    I realize it's very different when the kids are younger and the stepparent has a hand in raising the kids. I just don't think this is the hill to die on and would be more interested in the relationship between the spouse and adult kids.  Making a fuss about who the cookies were addressed to before they even arrived and saying they were going to be donated was over the top.  Is your DW even upset about this?  I wouldn't be.  You said your wife said something they didn't like.  What was it?

I think your focus is right.  You and your bride are a team.  Your children and their own SOs need to understand that.

Merry Christmas.

This is a good example of why step parents should not be texting or calling spouses kids.  they might take it the wrong way.   you'll be all ...... SM: "oh hey, did you get a new cat?"  SD: "What! how dare you!  I cant believe you asked me If I had a new cat!"  SD to DH: "SM need to apoligise because she asked me If I got a new cat!  how RUDE. Im never going to forgive her.!"

Hmmm, sounds like the adult skid mean games my DH's brood and their significant others  play.

I don't think you are overthinking things if the cookies were sent after your SIL's hissy fit about the text your wife sent them about opening gifts. Did you see the text your wife sent them? Was it rude? Your SIL sounds like he is siding with your daughter about everything and is playing tough guy.

as far as them not speaking to you until you ask for their forgiveness - who do they think they are? I'd not speak to them until they can apologize for flying off the handle over something so trivial. They are adult and need to act as such.

you know, if my DH sends a text or email to his adult children, I am usually accused of writing it for him. It is so bizarre. My DH knows how to read and write, email and text.

In my case no matter how I communicate with them or not, it is always my fault whenever my DH does something the adult skids don't like. Keep an eye and ear out for this type of treatment toward your wife as well.

it is nice that you and your wife enjoyed the holiday. No one needs adult skid drama.

You should be very proud of yourself for protecting your wife and your marriage. It is rare, the sign of a strong man and husband. You put your marriage first. Given you require respect by all parties,  they will either step up to the plate and treat your spouse decently or move on, either way you have gained peace and control of your life by being a real man.

Your wife is blessed!

If your wife was in fact your DD's mother rather than SM, would there have been such a fuss over the fact she thought they should have waited until Christmas and said so?

I'm sure it's the fact that the SM would dare to say anything, and yes that you dared to actually side with her, that has everyone freaking out and overeacting

My DH & I are dealing with a similar situation

After years of his sister being totally out of line where we (aimed at me) are concerned, DH decided to stand up for us/me and said something to his sister during the holidays

And a complete crisis has followed - just for simply saying two words to his sister "park it" to be exact, when she started what is completely out of line behaviour and with zero justification as always

OSD in particular (who resents me because she feels I somehow 'stole' her place in DH's heart) went bullistic and sent DH some pretty abusive, foul text messages. Basically threatening to cut him out of her life

I honestly think the best behavior for toxic people like that is to give them exactly what they "say" they want - you not in their life

Disengage from your SIL and DD for a while. Let them apologize to you, not the other way around

Yes I do belive this is all about you supporting your wife, and your daughter probably feels she should always come first, most especially above your wife *scratch_one-s_head*

Hello, Lee.

Texting is such a limited form of communication, isnt it? And if someone CHOOSES to be offended by a text, it's hard to smooth things over.

I find it strange that your son-in-law (SIL), beating his chest and agressively picking a fight while claiming to be standing up for his wife, finds it offensive that you would stand up for yours. His interference is neither appropriate nor helpful. Does he have some ulterior motive in seeking to alienate his wife from her family?

All of this could have easily been avoided if you daughter had only bothered to call you and share whatever is allegedly bothering her. I would give this hyper-sensitive couple what they're asking for and leave them be.

And regarding the cookies - what kind if Christmas present is it if it still hasn't arrived at this late date? Evidently your daughter and her husband didn't care enough about you or your wife to mail the gift in a timely manner. It seems they did not bother with a gift for you at all until after receiving gifts from you and your wife. Perhaps they're attempting to distract from their thoughtlessness by creating a strong offense?

Lastly, I do think it ill mannered to tear into the Christmas gifts you sent before the holiday. But nothing you've shared about these two indicates that they have much in the way of class or manners. Enjoy your respite from them.

I hope either your DD or SIL have apologized to you by now and that they still aren't expecting an apology from you. (Which you don't owe them IMHO)

It is sad DD is okay with her husband swearing at you. My adult skids' spouses treat me, and at times my DH not so nice, while DH's own adult children are okay with it also. Just another form of disrespect.

 DH said the same thing of his adult brood - that he is seeing a different side of them. I guess sometimes with adult skids, the pent up hostility comes out eventually and especially when their bio parent remarries and they realize it's no longer all about them and the gskids. They need to blame someone. So, why not the spouse first and then the bio parent next. They cant seem to get over having a bio parent happily married to someone and sharing their life with someone other then them.

Good luck going forward.