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Becoming a step father many concerns's picture

I'm a 37 yr old sm male with no bio kids dating a single mom of 3. They have different fathers and ages are 21,14,6. They all live at home and I live there 6 days a week but have my own apartment that the lease ends this year at which point I am planning on moving in. I feel many times that my gf does not really get what I'm accepting by being in a relationship like this. The youngest is very disrespectful, hits me and his mother at times. Tells us to "shut it" when we talk to him. She'll discipline him but its inconsistent. I really don't like making much of a fuss about it at times because I feel I'd be constantly telling her how to parent which she is a loving mom, just lax and feeling sorry for her son. Unfortunately the family has a bad habit of making "insulting jokes" like, "i dont like you no more", "you're not my favorite anymore", "you're a punk". When I have asked her not to do this I get made to feel like a cry baby and told that she can't joke with me anymore then. I told her I already feel like a punk because I cant do much to a kid telling me to shut my mouth besides put him in the corner. His bio dad who sees him every two weeks doesnt have that problem. If he says stay in the car the boy won't leave the car. Makes me feel so weak but she doesnt get it. Any suggestions?'s picture

One bd is getting out of prison in the next month or so, he has never paid cs and I think he was "written off" or whatever they call it when a person says, "i'm out". but he has been writing his daughter. The youngest father pays a bit over 200 a month. We've dated for a year and a half. We have no purchases together. I only buy grocery sometimes as she has her mother's help.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If the six year old is this bad now, what do you imagine he'll be like down the road? Why would you choose to live with that? This woman you're seeing has a history of poor parenting and poor decision making. Why is this appealing to you? Why would you willingly move into such a chaotic environment?

You can do so much better than this. And for goodness sakes, don't get her pregnant.

CatchyUserName's picture

Dude...get OUT!
Spend some time on this does not get better. If you are having issues now, it will not magically get better when you move in. I was 36 when I met my SO and also had no bio kids. Let me tell you, the transition from being single to having kids, even if they are not around all the time, is not easy. I stayed because 1. Skids were older, SD has not been our responsibility for 2 years now and SS has two and half years left until he graduates from HS (and yes I'm counting the days) and I have made it clear that the second they turn 18 SO is done giving them anything 2. Because SO not only agreed to that but totally supports my disengagement, would never ever let them speak to me disrespectfully and actually parents his kids. If your GF doesn't punish them now and doesn't make them respect people now, she never will. And if you think you are powerless now...just wait until they become teenagers!

Can I ask, what was it about this woman that didn't give you red flags in the first place? If I went on a date with someone who told me they had three kids from three different donors, I would have crawled out the bathroom window at the restaurant!

Seriously, run for your life.

Peony329's picture

I'm going to add to what everyone else has said. Get the hell out. Dealing with ONE birth parent is shitty enough, but THREE? HELL. NO.
And it'll be harder as someone without any kids of your own. This is coming from a bio child-free SM.'s picture

Thank you for making me laugh as true as what you're saying may be. I needed a good laugh.

Tuff Noogies's picture

when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM.

people, at their core, rarely if ever change. things are not going to change. you need to figure out if u're willing to fully embrace that environment or not. remember, this is your next twelve to fourteen years....

Rags's picture

If you can't be an equity parent to the children in your relationship home, regardless of the kid biology, then move on. You should easily be able to find a worthy life partner without the baggage that your current GF carries.

Not only does this woman have baggage, rather than stepping up and being your equity life partner she tries to humiliate you for engaging with her to fix her toxic spawn's behavior.

I would not tolerate it were I you. Keep your place, end this toxic relationship, move on, be happy.'s picture

Thanks everyone for insight. I've come to the conclusion this isn't for me. Unfortunately the kids are attaching to me and like me a lot. There is going to be a lot of hurt but much more so down the line if I dont back out now.

ExArmydad's picture

OH MY, Please Sir, I know you don't know me but seriously, take our words and our experiences on this subject matter and RRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Run to the nearest singles bar this Friday, grab the first single cutie who gives you the look, clarify that she has no baggage, if she does, move on to the next one and on till you meet one with no kids. Buy her a drink, take her on a date, marry her the next week and I promise no matter how shitty that relationship would/could be, it will be 100 times better than what's in store for you in your current relationship my friend!

2Tired4Drama's picture

Trust me, and the others who have said it:

You can AND WILL find another woman to share your life with. One who does NOT have an unmanageable bag of crap like this one does.

Imagine this: Somewhere out there is a wonderful, kind, intelligent and fun-loving SINGLE woman who is just WAITING for you to show up! While you are sitting around dealing with stepkid drama, this woman of your dreams is out there searching for someone just like you.

Zip it all up. End this. Renew your lease and go live the life you were meant to live. This ain't it.

epiphany's picture

Do not move in with this woman or her children. If they disrespect you like that it's a bad sign with massive bells hanging off it.

Multiple fathers as well.

Is she really hot or something?