There has to be something about Richard that has kept you around for four years. You must care for him on some level or you wouldn't be in the relationship for that long. Autistic children can be very challenging but it is worth it, every kid is. I agree with doormatnomore, you need to seek professional help. Start with just you. Sit down with Miranda and explain in detail what you have told us. Tell her how much you love her and want to have a future together but that you need time to get yourself right. You are not going to get anywhere with your gf until you show her you are doing work on yourself. She is right, you need to get some therapy, it isn't the kids fault. You are blamming this child for things he really has no control over. You need to take some classes about being the parent of an autistic child too. Once you do all that then ask her to join you in therapy and you work on what drives you nuts with her. Then, after all that, if you still want to leave and you dread your time at home with him, then leave. By all means, do not stay. Richard will be dependant you for the rest of his life in some fashion. You need to think long and hard about this. Best to start now because disrupting this childs life is going to be hell on his mother.

No you are not a bad person. Neither is your GF. But she is being unfair in asking you to be a parent to her child.

Forget the part about his being autistic. You probably wouldn't want to come home and be forced to spend alone time with a developmentally normal child either.

This is probably not the right relationship for either of you. You should be able to be honest with her that you are not there for parent duty. If she can accept that maybe you could go forward but it sounds like that might be a deal breaker for her.

You are not a bad person because you do not want to parent someone else's child. It's too bad he doesn't have a dad but that is not your responsibility.

I don't think you're a bad person. Though my situation is completely different, I understand exactly how you're feeling. It's incredibly difficult to be the step parent of a normally functioning child, let alone one who is autistic. Your resentment isn't unfair. It's hard being a father figure for a child when you don't have the same connection their birth parent does. That's something that I think a lot of birth parents don't understand. We can certainly care about the children, but at the end of the day they aren't ours. We didn't have anything to do with their birth. It's impossible to feel the same way about them that their parents do.

My advice for you is to really look at your situation. I know you've invested a lot of time in this relationship, and I'm sure that there are good aspects of it. “Miranda” will never be done taking care of Richard, so that' something that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life if you choose to continue with the relationship. If you honestly feel that you cannot deal with the situation, the best remedy is to leave it.

I somewhat agree with the previous commenter that counseling may help. It could certainly give you some insight to what Miranda's feelings about the situation are, and could possibly help you see each other's side. But I think, again, you should really look at the situation and, to quote Yoda, search your feelings. Therapy and counseling won't help if you simply cannot continue. And if you can't, that doesn't mean that you're a bad person. We only get one shot at life, and we far too often forget about our happiness so that we can make others happy.

Best of luck with whatever your decision is.

I am really sorry you're in this position, but unfortunately, if his mother won't deal with it, you don't have much to go on. I would leave as well, or speak with his mother and look for ways where you don't have to be involved. Disengage, or so we would hope.

I'm curious as to whether it's really Autism though--as most autistic children I know (and those on the spectrum) have difficulty getting close to people--as in they have very wide personal spaces that they don't like to be crossed. The fact that he gets that close to you makes me wonder. Also, most don't like loud noises--they make repetitive noises but not loud, to my knowledge (took a few years in Autism and mental disability classes), because they have a lower sensory thresh hold.

In any case, I do not recommend you stay, you will be miserable. If you want to give it a shot, I'd go to couple's therapy. No one likes not having their feelings validated, as she is being defensive towards you. I think it is important, in any relationship, that if something makes you partner uncomfortable, you look for a solution and a compromise instead of sticking your head in the sand. Miranda does not seem to grasp that concept.

You are right, in that some things are his fault and some things aren't. Nonsensical hobbies are better than sitting in a corner, rocking, and freaking out every hour or so. I think your biggest issue right now, is that, and correct me if I'm wrong, Miranda is forcing you into a role you are not comfortable with, and the pressure causes the fight or flight feeling. I don't think you came up with the, spend thirty minutes with him in his room all by yourselves, on your own. Something tells me Miranda is looking for a "dad" for Richard, and you're the chump (sorry, but you got hooked) who was willing to try, but she was not willing to fork over the parent title (which includes working on his behavior, and improving n things you don't like) which means you will never truly be an equal parent to her.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember, time invested shouldn't turn into a lifetime wasted.

The kid can't change to any degree. Mom isn't going to change as her kid comes first. So what's the options?

Face up to it and tell her you made a mistake in letting this go as long as it did but you can't spend the rest of your life like this. Admit to being selfish to defuse any argument and leave this all behind.

Nobody here will fault you for leaving as its not of your making.

I'm with two twins, one possibly with ADHD, and even that seems challenging, so needless to say Autism is a greater challenge. Without saying too much I see that if you love Miranda enough you could decide to do your best, and then do your best. It's natural to not feel it's your son, it's natural not to entirely connect and to even feel it's a child you'll never connect with.

However, when you factor in your sound issues, and the time Richard needs or gets from you, these issues aren't going to change. More importantly, if Richard really has Autism, he may or may not end up with his mother for even longer than other children might, so be aware at the onset of that possibility.

Bottom line, if you're staying know why, what's important to you, and what you're trying to have the strength to persevere through, and try. It does sound like you're having some challenges, but that's natural. It's really whether or not you want to stick it out, and as others have pointed out, that fact sounds iffy.

With Miranda's support and understanding it might be a lot more worthwhile for you, and more possible. Without her support and understanding I'd say the odds get much worse.

momentsfromending, you're not being an ass. I'm sure we're not the only two here that go through things and feel they MAY be small in the grand scheme of things, yet DO really matter too.

I wouldn't kiss Richard, period. I'd tell Miranda that you kiss her because you love her and if it means you have to kiss two people to convey the message to one person, that you'll do it in private later. I think that's completely fair, and that it's completely fair for you to not want to kiss Richard in light of a) that you're not intending to kiss him in the first place, and b) that you're already trying your best to be patient and giving with Richard despite it causing you anxiety, really kissing is a bit over the top.

As doormathnomore says you could/will end up full of resentment. I say could, only because you have control over how you end up feeling. Let's say with this kiss situation as an example, you stop kissing one in order to not be forced to kiss both. Your choice, maybe not your first choice, but still saves you from gritting your teeth and faking it, which is where the resentment comes from. If Miranda doesn't get those kisses anymore and realizes you're doing it to a) not be forced and b) because you feel strongly enough about it and c) because you're choosing what's in your own interests, maybe she'll come around and realize that you have a point. If you bend to her wants, she has no way of realizing it truly matters to you or how much.

Anyways, pat yourself on the back for being a good guy, for putting in a consistent and committed effort, and I guess my suggestion is weigh it all out and make sure it's worth it. I know for me, without the strength of the relationship with my mate, the rest isn't worth much. However, WITH the right relationship and two people acting as a team that care about one another, that can make all the difference.

Don't let repressed feelings and resentment get going though (IMO) and also don't let things mount unspoken, that will take you down a road that makes things much more bitter and difficult. Be honest about how you feel and do what you need to make it as workable as you can.

I don't believe you are a bad person nor she.

I don't think anyone is really being selfish.

I just think it's obvious that you are incompatible but trying very hard to be compatible and it isn't working. I don't want to see you miserable for the rest of your years because you were too stubborn to give up. Love isn't the only thing that matters. You can grow to love another who is more compatible. But you'll never become compatible with this woman and her child and they are a package. That's just how it is and you have to take it or leave it.

Just bolt already.

I don't think anybody here is at fault. Obviously, this kid will never change. His mother will always defend him and his behavior, innocent or not, will always get on your nerves as it would mine or anybody else's. I've worked with autistic people before and yeah... they annoy the hell out of everybody.

I think it's tragic, but you need to go.