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Alcoholic bio mom, drug addicted as. Codependent enmeshed sd.

NoBigDeal's picture

Dh divorced bio 3 1/2  years ago  and moved cross country to get away from the toxic family.  Ss arrested multiple times, sd codependent with bio mom and enmeshed with mom as and dad. 

But hes breaking away doing g better, but I have large questions here?  

I'm getting sick and tired of them calling him spewing their Wo is me Bullsh....t...His cousin calls gives him the ( your drunk ex this that updates...)..  

Naturally he worries about his kids, worries about the sd who has Major major FAILURE TO LAUNCH ISSUES.  Plus she Flat OUT Refused TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR WEDDING PERIOD  AND refused TO COME Or even ask about it.  I posted pics on her fb page (sd) page and shes silent. Dh ask her aren't you happy  for me, silence. Shes 23, ss is 29. 

How do I handle the enormous amount of frustration and anger at them for spewing their toxic BULLDHI....T I to our lives?   I told him how upset it makes me. But then he'll  just keep it in to himself. 

I want him to share with me but he really should cut them off and stop allowing them to vent  repetitive patterns of dysfunction.  He can not fix them and should  not be their sounding board fir a problem only they can fix.  They are all self absorbed and don't  care if they give him a heart attack.  

Do I say something to him to  make them stop?  Do I call them out and make them hate me even more than they already do?  Or just  sit by and watch him get abused and used a d ditch on my ANGER AT THEM. Until I bust?

It affects  our happy lives.  His moods suck. Forget love  and affection.  Like a f...ing funeral  everytime they call.  

So how  to I address this buger?

 

 

Rags's picture

Do not tolerate either their invasion of your marriage or your DH's moody Skid related bullshit.

He is your DH and owes you and himself an amazing marriage that requires him to be all in and put you and the marriage above all else.  Adult disfunctional kids don't have a place in his or your life if they detract from your lives together.

DH needs clarity.  Any time he goes into moody daddy mode, bare his ass and let him know that he cannot let them detract from his happiness and life... or yours.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

NoBigDeal's picture

So when he gets that sad sack if poo news and goes off where ever he goes.  Say SNAP THE HELL OUT IF IT,  YOUVE ALLOWED  their DYSFUNCTION to INVADE OUR MARRIAGE  AND IM NOT TOLERATING IT.

Then hell say, "Get over it",  or "Get use to it",  I've already said FIRMLY VERY VERY FIRMLY """"NO I Won't GET USE TO IT".... where he came back and said "What are you going  to do about it.   I said keep it up and find out...Then there's the dont  threaten me,   I'll leave, etc etc.  

Unfortunately the rinse lather repeat is the dang argument  so far 

Last time I considered sleeping in another room. But for  how long?   It didn't seem like a solution that would bring any results or I would  have done it. 

There must be a consequence but I cant seem to find one of value.  

Rags's picture

When he threatens to leave immediately call a locksmith to come rekey the locks and inform him that he has until the locksmith arrives to pack his shit and GTFO m.

Thrests to leave are just an escalator ball-less manipulative crap that you should not tolerate.

Eventually he gains clarity or you get to start a new life adventure with he and his shallow and polluted gene pool baggage in your past.

Either way, you win.

NoBigDeal's picture

But what about  that toxic cousin.  Every time she calls its ex this ex that.  Constant every call. I told him st some point you've got to address that . He said why dint you tell her.  No it's his job to tell her.  

He said I cant cut off all MY  family.   Wasn't asking him to. Only asking him to say hey cousin "STOP TALKING ABOUT MY EX".  I don't want to know anything about her. 

Is that appropriate way for HIM NOT mE TO ADDRESS IT?

 

Rags's picture

He needs clarity along the same lines with the counsin.  He cannot allow anyone to invade your marriage or to detract from his ability to be a positive participant in your marriage.

No need to cut his family out of his life. He just needs to understand that cutting any of them off mid sentence when they are being toxic is the way to deal with it.  Don't cut them out, cut off their toxic behavior.

"Cousin, she is my EX.  Call me when you have something else to talk about.. Click."

"XW, do not call me unless it is a kid related emergency.  If you continue to invade my life I will relegate you to communicating with me only via a court monitored app." (Think MFW)

"Kid(s), I love you and I will always be your dad. However, I am not your emotional dumping ground. If you contact me and start any manipulative crap I will end the call.  I will do the same if I call you and you start any manipulative crap."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Eventually they will learn to engage in a healthy manner or... they will just go away.

Either way, your win, DH wins and your marriage wins.

Gimlet's picture

You say he divorced three and a half years ago.  Was he with the alcoholic bio mom for the whole time since the kids came into the picture?

NoBigDeal's picture

Yes kids if bio drunk mother. . He had a girlfriend for 5 months not ne but yes married 20 years. Girlfriend 5 months. Then met me.  

Thumper's picture

Maybe it is because we have been thru so much with bm and her kids....

Now, that we are older  we dont allow bs in our lives. No matter who is it.

Its OUR lives and we will decide, not you. If you cant keep it together--go live with your messed up 'people"..count US out. WE MEAN IT too.

jmo

 

NoBigDeal's picture

Well we discussed flying monkeys.  He told sister and cousin he didn't want to hear about ex, or drug stuff son.  

Progress. I told him it was a narcissist way if getting around blocks.   I said its going to destroy US.  its destroying me.

He told sister that very day. Progress....yeah