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After 10 years SM still won't make son do ONE chore

Still_Frustrated's picture

Sad Have lived with Common Law wife and her now 15 year old step son fot ten years. Have joint 11 years old daughter.
After all these years he still doesn;t do ONE chore but always has his hand out for money.
His mom won't make him lift a finger so how I instill chores on my daughter.
He is self absorbed, arrogant, self rightuos, lazy and full of himself.
Therapy hasn't helped

My common law wife uses the excuse for years she felt bad for separating her son from his dad. So spoiled him rotten. After about 5 years the new excuse was he is a teen (now he is 15)

There is always a new excuse.

Step son doesn;t lift a finger around the house but always wants something. New toy (now its electroices or phone)..Drive somewhere. 20 bucks for this or that. New clothes. I get that all kids want these things but the other day I asked him why he couldn't put a dish in the dish washer...

That night at dinner his mon asked him to go downstaris to get a bag of milk. He wouldn't . Later I heard her talking to him and he said his night was already ruined because I "nagged" him about putting a dish in the dishwasher.

Here is a list of adjetives I can't tell anyone excpet on here. He is lazy, self rightour, arrogant, greedy, full of himself, rude, self absorbant, know it all, self entitled and a slob

If it wasn't for our joint 10 year old daugher I would be long gone and everyoneknows it.

He plays his mohter like a puppet on a string.

She is a pretty good looking woman for her age and a good mother (too good most of the time)

When step son is not around the house is nice and peaceful.

She says no kids do chores these days. All kids are rude and disprespectful. All kids WANT WANT WANT>

Am I old fashioned to expect him to clean up after himself. Put dished in the dishwasher. Tidy his mess up on the table. (pop cans , wrappers , pizza boxes)

Most ot the time I can't stand the sight or sound of him.

Not only his he lazy and mouthy but he does the strangest things. He washes his hands in the kitchen sink (from the other side of the counter because he's too lazy to walk around the counter)..then drips water all over the floor and actually shakes his hands off onto the floor and doesn't use a towel. I know it sounds petty but who does that. He leaves a huge puddle on the floor. This is only on of a million things that he does. IF I bring up ANYTHING to do with him his mom says I am a nag and defends him.

Do I have to shut up and not every complain about anything in order to live with my daugher or am i enttitled to some happiness and should I leave for peace of mind and probably for the best for everyone including my daugher who has to hear us fight constantly.

Still_Frustrated's picture

Thanks for your reply. When I was in grade nine as both my parents worked, I had house vacuumed, table set and dinner cooked for everyone coming home. We did our own laundry too. My "wife" will argue that this is a different generation. Part of the problem is she didn't have chores. It's not just the lack of chores it's being so lazy he can't put one thing in the dishwasher and leves a trail of clothes behind him. A huge pudddle of water on bathroom sink after washing his face. All very weird lazy bizzare things. I have fought this for ten years. We are so close to splitting all the time. His Mom says just don't talk to him or "nag" hom about anything. She says her older neices and nephews nevr did any house work and they all turned out fine. She says her son isn't drinking or doing drugs so things could be worse. Living with his Dad isn;t an opton right now and besides, he wouldn't want to ..his dad might actually discipline him...he wouldn;t leave his protective mommy..he is a mommy's boy and he has her wrapped around his finer and I am stuck in the midddle. My Daughter does clean up after her and cleans her room..so there is hope for her..it;s just that I can't enforce a daily chore for her and not lazy SS. Are the kids you're talking about your kids or step kids. Are you a step mom or step dad..I'm guessing my by name Blue Belle.

Anyways, it's nice to know I am not crazy bu asking for chores etc...thanks for writing..

I don't know if I can survive until he leaves..he may linger for years...he talks about college but I have a feelinng he will milk his mom for all she;s worth....I feel like I am entitled to some happiness but would mean havng to leave my daughter...some people say I should be the adult and be the bigger person..I get that...but I can't help that I can't stand the sight of hi or can't stand his trash talking...he is an arrogant know it all and I have to bite my tongue with hi all the time...

If you are a Biolical parent I can see how it might be easier to get the resepct from your kids to do chores or at least clean up after themselves...but he has no respoect for me...wither way, how do you get your kids to do chores ?

Still_Frustrated's picture

Yes. We are in the age of self entitlement and he is a poster child. You're right about the comment about BMs looks. What I shoudl have said was we get along ok when he's not around and we are both physically attracted to each other so that part is not a problem The problem is if I say one negatinve thing about her son she runs to his defence and it is construed as nagging. Youre right it should have started when he was 5 but she lived with so much guilt for seperating hi from his father the boy was spoiled rotten..I don;t know if I can last unti lhe is gone and chances are it will be longer than 3 years..he won;t face the real world when he has mommy to pay his way in life..he may linger into his 20s. Thanks for listening

Still_Frustrated's picture

Ya. I had a paper route too. I also washed dishes and dried and put away for 50 cents to run down to the arcade..now these kids have their hands out for twenty dollar bills but can't take a bowl off the coffee table...I'm new here..can you tell me what DW mwans and what you said clm ?

lovejeeps's picture

WELL I ALMOST WANT TO MOVE IN WITH YOU - SINCE YOU ARE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH SOMEONE (AT THAT SOME KID) - WHO WILL USE - YOUR HOUSE, YOUR WIFE (MANIPULATE MOMMY), YOUR MONEY AND GET TO TALK BACK/COMPLAIN, PLUS BE BOUGHT ALL THE "COOL" STUFF AND BE DRIVEN AROUND WITHOUT HAVING TO CLEAN OR COOK - SIGN ME UP..... IT WILL LAST AS LONG AS YOU LET IT LAST.....

AND IF YOU'RE READY TO GO I AM SURE YOUR BIO-DAUGHTER PROBABLY KNOWS IT OR CAN SENSE IT.... THEY CAN SENSE IT ALL... I AM SURE SHE CAN FEEL YOUR MOOD SHIFT AND ALL THE TENSION IN THE HOUSEHOLD. YOU THINK YOU ARE PRESERVING YOUR MARRIAGE AND PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE DOING - YOU'RE THICKENING THE TENSION.
TALK TO YOUR WIFE WITH SKID IN THE ROOM AND DEAL WITH IT - OTHERWISE LIVE WITH IT DAY IN AND OUT AND IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE MOST KIDS NOWADAYS DON'T BANK ON HIM MOVING OUT UPON TURNING 18..... BECAUSE HE WILL PROBABLY LIVE THERE TIL HE'S 25 SINCE LIFE IS SO GOOD - OR WORSE COME TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD WITH A KNOCKED UP GIRLFRIEND.
LAY THE LAW OF YOUR HOUSE 'MAN TO MAN' YES EVEN WITH THIS TEEN (WHO PROBABLY THINKS HIMSELF SMART AND MATURE) AND SET HIM STRAIGHT NOT NECESSARILY AS A STEP-PARENT BUT AS A PERSON WHO EXPECTS COMMON COURTESY AND RESPECT ESPECIALLY IN HIS OWN HOME

sandqueen's picture

THIS is a parenting issue, not a SS issue. Children learn what they live. It is your WIFE'S issue that he is behaving as he is. My sister's kids are the same way and she's complains that all she does is clean up after them day in day out but they have no chores. They are handed expensive items all the time. In my house, the kids did daily chores. At 16 were expected to get part-time jobs. (in my area no one hires younger than that) If someone could not get a job they did big chores around the house to earn money for something they needed, say, 50$ for. I'm both a bio and step mom and both kids were held to the same standard. Being dissliked because you have a crappy lazy parent really sucks as a kid. I was one of those kids who's only bio parent was an a** and made my SM's life a bit of a hell. She in turn really did not like us but merely tolerated us. I could tell. Kids know when they are not liked or really wanted. Looking back- SHAME On the adults, SHAME On them. I never step parented that way because of what I felt as a 15 year old. This is also YOUR issue for tolerating your wife's allowing this. If counseling wont work- separate. Hating a kid for it........shame...............its an adult issue.