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Advice from bio dads

Mystery23's picture

Hi all bio dads,

My dad and I are close but when I was a child my step-mother was jealous of this. Before they got married my dad cheated on my step-mum with my mother. Which to be honest I do blame my dad for the way step-mum treated me sometimes he didnt help matters. Anyway my dad and mum slept together but it meant nothing to them. This resulted in my mother getting pregnant with my sister and then sadly she died at 2.

Let me get to the point. Since then onwards my step-mother really resented me and was jealous. Would ask me all sorts of questions about how much money my dad gave me. Very insecure about everything my father which was understandable but I didn't like. Even my dad would tell what to say if she asked me certain question and if she said something I couldn't answer he would tell her to ask me etc or its none of her business. So did the best I can was a very shy girl. Anythings this went on for a long time. Oh yeah my dad would give me money or buy me clothes behind her back. Even I remember he came and took me out to this fun fair behind her back.

I been getting on well with my step-mum for awhile now and my dp and i went down for the weekend with out lo. Anyway we were out in the sports shop and I had gone downstairs with my bf. Then my dad came down and gave me some money. I knew she didn't know about this. He and my step-mum already bought us a stroller for a lo.

I just wonder why my dad keeps on hiding things like this from her? Have any of you had to do this with your wifes worried of her reaction on how much you give you own child?

SUNFLOWERGRL's picture

This is very interesting. I am obviously no dad but just by reading this it sounds like your dad is a very sneaky person. Why would he have to hide the fact that he gives you money? That doesnt make sense to me. I do not know why that would be such a BIG issue to where he feels like he needs to do things behind your step moms back. Maybe its just because she doesnt want him to help you out. Even though i cant imagine why. If your mom and dad had an affair together then your step mom should not hold that against you. You had nothing to do with it and she made the decision to stay with your dad so she has no one to blame but herself. I can understand about your step mom being insecure and wanting to know what is going on but I do not think your dad should have you lie so that she doesnt know about it. Eventually when it all comes out she will know how long this has been going on and it could end up messy. JMO! Good luck to you. I hope you get the response you are looking for.

"Still waiting to get my life back"

CplStv's picture

I'd say that Your SM is/was wrong, to question You, if She wants/wanted to know something, She should have asked hIM, of He chose to Not Tell Her about somethng, that is/would be between them!
I do things with/for My (B)Son, as well as My other (S)Kids, and don't say anything to My Ex, OR MY Old Lady...They do stuff without consulting Me, too. I think there should be "Private" or "Just Us" things between Parents and Kids, it's a special Bonding Thing. I'm not saying there shouldn't be Reasonable Limits on it, but I Don't See any Problem with it, in principle.If There is/are things that One Parent is willing to do, that the other isn't, as long as it isn't Harmful to the kid/s.

Steve

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

laurels4u's picture

I believe that mom or dad should be able to give money or gifts to their child without having to tell or discuss it with the other parent to some extent especially if it is done for the right reason(s). I dont' believe in guilt buying or rewarding bad behavior but it doesn't sound like the case with you and your dad.

All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!

gobbism's picture

to be honest, I have resolved to not shortchange my FSS because of any insecurity of my own.

My father was not particularly strong with her either, and I find it sad to see adults not acting like adults. With me it was more subtle because I was in my early 20's when they married but she treated me as if I were my father's ex-wife. I reacted by more or less cutting my dad out of my life which was not the best solution.

It sounds though like your step-mom has good reason to be jealous, not of you, but of your BM, but clearly equates you with her, and also with bad secrets. Your step-mom had a problem, but instead of helping her work things out, your dad's actions perpetuated and even increased her problem. I am sorry, but the biggest problem here NOW seems to be your dad.

It's sad to see you bear the brunt of it but unfortunately, this is common.

In a perfect world, you'd call out your dad every time he tried to keep a secret from her and it'd work out.

sorry.

Mystery23's picture

its my dad not here.

Well let me explain abit more. My dad gave me money behind my step-mums fear enough dads do this. This was while we had just been out and my dad had got my lo as stroller. I'm 25 and my step-brother is 26. Anyway my step-mums said to my dad afterwards that she want to get my step-brothers kids somethings aswell. So what gets me is everything my dad spends money on me and my lo they got to spend on her son and his kids aswell. All my life its felt like a competition between me and step-mother. My dad made things worse by making me out to be an angel and living up to that was hard. Obvioulsy now he know I am no angel. He would say to me your not like him my step-brother this and that.

Now everything is alright apart from him having to go behind her back with certain things. He use to tell me everything about my step-brother aswell and i would have to make out I don't know anything. Like when my step-brother and his wife split up for good and were getting a divorce. Our stepfamily was strange as if it was me everything was out in the open and when it came to my step-brother everything was all hush hush. Its only now my step-mum is open about things like she told me the that my step-brother divorce came through,

When I was a child there were somethings I use to say things to my step-mum and didn't know my dad had not told her. So then she would say things like you dad don't tell me anything. Like my step-brother got less money that I did. I lived with my mother didn't get as much as my step-brother or half-brother. Then when she found he gives me more then she was like so and so don't get that much money and its was not my fault.

My dad and I are close and sometimes feel like the other woman not his daughter. Like he came down to see me one time and was already down seeing her parent but he had to come and see me first so we had time together by ourselves then go and get her to come back to my house. She don't like my dad spending time with me on my own at all. He said he is coming down on thursday and friday. I'm sure he feels guilty aswell as I think he wanted to buy me more stuff aswell but couldn't.

Mystery23's picture

Another time my dad had to go visit about something. He then came back straight to see me. I didn't know this but while we were on our way to get shopping we bumped into my step-mum sister who said my step-mum would be angry or something. Then he said I just been talking to her on the phone. So while I was getting my lo ready to shopping he was outside on the phone didn't think much of it until we bumped into her sister. I realised from what he said after speaking to her sister that he was meant to go back to her parents then all them come and see me together and she was not happy. My dad says she feels left out when she don't see the baby. My step-mum sees the baby all the time is very rare I see my father on his own. Now I just get use to not seeing him by himself but with her we still have a good time.
One time my mother was sweeping the kitchen floor and saw him looking at her. Now whether you believe me or not I would go mad if he cheated on my step-mother. I tell you think I would not speak neither one of them. I think I got the s**t from my step-mother the last time and will not want to get it this time. Although I think my dad has changed. my step-mum has changed so much towards me now. Then occasionally I will see the green eyed monster but try not let it get to me. This is another thing to save all the hassle for awhile I even started refusing my dads money only recently started taking it. Its was all her putting things in my head like I get more than my step-brother and basically probably saying I'm spoilt. I was not at all things were difficult at my mothers house.My dad was only making sure I was alright even if I didn't live with him. When I lived with my father and step-mum we both worked in the town. So we would meet up for lunch and he use to say don't say nothing to her. I think this was the only time we got to spend time alone so that why he did it. Then another time we went out when I moved back to my mothers and he said she knows about it and there no secrets but now look no secrets lol. Giving me money behind her back it not the problem its so many other things that he hides from her. I know my dad is not cheating he not like that anymore. She basically has got him under thump abit that why he scared to do stuff with me by himself keeps alot from her as he moans alot about stuff.

gobbism's picture

The money thing is pretty big. My dad ended up spending a lot more money on my step sisters than he did on his natural children. He paid for private school and a lot of other things that I think were unnecessary because SM thought they needed them. I mean, my sister got into Harvard with a public school education, but anyway I just think "whatever!"

Your dad should be strong enough to be your dad without any grief from her. You don't ask him for money do you? If he wants to give you some, maybe he's just trying to be fair. After many years, my dad recently gave me a little money, largely I believe to balance out all the cash he gave my step sisters. I think if he were smart he wouldn't have shelled out any money to anyone.

The best gift any parent can give their child is the ability to make it on their own.

Mystery23's picture

Well I don't anymore maybe as a child but my step-mum makes me feel I can't ask my dad for anything so I don't. He does all the giving and offering help etc. Obviously I ask him for advice and stuff but never money.

My dad gave more to my step-brother aswell. She is like this with my half-brothers because my step-mum and dad had another son together. Its like she might not want to make her son feel left but really it will feel different as we are adult. My half-brother drives now and when he passed his test my dad bought him a car well little car. He is spoilt and my step-brother keeps telling my step-mum that. It don't bother me as I don't drive. I just think he notices the different between how my dad treats him to us as we are his bio kids and its not his fault he feels distant towards my step-brother. My stepbrother don't want to bother with my dad that much he just rings his mother.

These secrets have created problems but I got all the grieve don't want anymore. If she says something to me one day because of my dad well let me just say she will hear a few things she wont like. I should be the one who resents my step-brother not the other way round.

SUNFLOWERGRL's picture

Maybe i am interpreting what you are saying wrong, but it sounds like your step mom doesnt like when your dad keeps secrets from her whether its money or time you guys spend together. What mother would? Then it sounds like your dad has filled your head with garbage that your step mom wouldnt like the things he does for you. That is his reasoning to go behind her back. Then it sounds like you are somewhat jealous of the Bio kids and how they are treated and how they got certain things and you didnt. Where is YOUR Bio-mom in all of this? As a Bio mom and a step mom, to my step daughter i can only do so much. The Bio mom is the one that is suppose to make you feel secure and satisfied with your life and not put that responsibility on the step mom and Bio dad. Now i dont know the whole story about your upbringing if you lived with step mom and Bio dad or if you just lived with your bio mom. I think this does make a difference. You cant expect them to treat you EXACTLY the same as there kids who live with them. Even though i am sure they try and that is why i think your dad is going out of his way to make you happy so to speak. Whether you ask for money or not you still accept it. As parents we dont want our children to suffer no matter who there bio mom is. But going back to your original post, It is wrong to do keep and do things behind step moms back. What kind of healthy relationship is that? I would totally be hurt if my hubby did that with his daughter and didnt tell me. There should be no secrets on either side. As for your step brother and his issues going on with his life, whether or not they wanted to tell everyone his business is irrelevant. Its not really there business to inform everyone. Maybe he didnt want anyone to know that is why you didnt know about it. I am sure there are things in your life that only you and your bio mom or bio dad know about. But i do think you need to step back and look at the BIG picture. You can't blame anyone. I think you are blaming your step mom for whatever reason. You stated that your step mom made you feel like you couldnt ask your dad for anything as a child. What things? What things did you need as a child that were not being met? Why now is it bothering you? If your needs werent being met by dad then what about your bio mom? I am sorry but there just seems to be a lot more going on and i think you resent your step mom for not either getting what you want or dealing with the fact that your not the only one in your dads life. I am just really confused at what point you are trying to make.

"Still waiting to get my life back"

Most Evil's picture

don't you live with your mom, is he possibly trying to see her, while you are there, and that is why your SM is mad? Your dad is causing you problems, huh! It is him, not SM, that is starting things, to me - why does he do that? maybe you should ask him

Sometimes too, my DH does stuff I hate just because 'I can't tell him what to do', like a kid or something . . . is it like that?

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Mystery23's picture

That my half-brothers get more than what I had. I still got alot of stuff from my dad. Whether she knew or not I got so much stuff was never left without.

Yeah I just think why should he lie to her about giving me money as the last time looked I am his daughter. I don't like him doing but if he wants to hide from her giving me money think I will just stay out of it. If he wants to come down and take me out behind he back they let him do it can't be bothered no more.

What I am saying is that when my step-brother say got something off my dad my step-mum would rub in my face. If my dad then got me something think she may him feel he couldn't so had to hide what he got me. What my step-brother does with his life is not my business. He goes round making out he had it hard as a child and think her resents that he does has not got anything. Alright he worked when he was younger on a stall selling fruit and veg me, my half-brothers didn't. What he needs to remember he got alot aswell he was the one who screws his life up at a young age by getting married.

I might have come across that I resent the fact my half-brothers get alot but I don't at all. I had alot of stuff as I said already. Everything like them going away on holiday and days I was always including in.

Yeah I live with my mother at the moment. Didn't have it good living with her still not having a great time. That a whole other issue
Theres alot going on with my mother knowing my step-brothers real dad aswell. So feel like I'm in the middle of that aswell but need to keep my mouth shut. The man seems to be more interested in me that his own bloody son.

I blame my dad for not telling her but the reason behind that is her reaction if he buys me stuff. I can't tell after my weekend with my dad he misses me so much. I use to live with my father for about 4 years and he is trying to get me and dp to move up there. Which I don't want and it's not to do with my step-mum it's problems I had up there.

I decided to leave it be what he does is between him and my step-mum. I just don't want to be told this and that by my step-mum when its not my fault he don't tell her stuff. She seems alright now it is my dad.

Mystery23's picture

About alot of stuff and think she expects my dad to be but he is not. Think that is what bothers her its not just with me she does this. They got two boys together. One is 18 and the other is 6. So dad gives my 18 yr old half-brother money and she goes mad. My dad even said to my half-brother imagine what she was like when I gave your sister money meaning me. Which I think he just of just not said anything to do. Leave my half-brothers out of it. He know that my step-brother is only his half-brother even though my dad adopted him. The 6 year old thinks my step-brother is his full brother.

There are lots of issues but I just want to know why men go behind their wifes back. I see like this she should by accept my dad gives me money. I get why she is mad as i am 25 by dad should not be giving me hand outs and maybe she feels I should do this myself. Somethings my dad was restricted to do stuff with me and think it was like him coming to see me stay for 1 hr then going that where I resent her. I was told many things as a child when you get older you wont want to hang round your dad all the time. As I would want to follow my dad everywhere now I am older I don't.

Mystery23's picture

I lived with my mother not my dad. I lived with my mum until I was 17 then moved in with my dad. Then moved out in 2004 as I was pregnant my dad was mad and said I couldn't live so moved back to my mums.

SUNFLOWERGRL's picture

What ever else is going on in your life is really irrelevant to what your original post is all about. I hope you get the advice/response you are looking for.

I just think it is wrong for any parent to behind the other parents back. Regardless if it is with there bio kids or not. I think the parents should be open about everything because then it does create problems like these and kids should never feel that they were the cause for the sneakiness.

"Still waiting to get my life back"

Mystery23's picture

Think I will let him get on with it.
Not going to get involved can't really be bothered anymore. Its his business if she finds out he somehow he gives me money and she gets upset then its something they got to sort out.

Thanks all for advice.

BabygotBack1988's picture

i have a great objection to him giving his kids thing they dont need at the min its me working paying all the bills putting food in his belly ect ect he give me 100 every 2 weeks to pay for the bills which all add up to about 900 a month. fair enought this is all he gets due to disability. but still i dont get any thing out of the money i work for it all goes on the bills. and he expects his games ectectexct to keep him busy while being stuck at home, and stuff for his kids so i refuse to give them any thing the goverment pays for his kids and Bm has enough money to go out drinking everyweekend and go alton towers and thing s

and he behind my back agreed for her to book a holiday for her and the skids and to give them 100 each to spend now fair enough if he had the money. but we cant even afford a night out never mind 300 to go on an unnessary holiday. now who has to suffer to find this extra money as he cant and refuses to tell her to cancell it ME

not sure if this helps or is any thing close to your situation but theres my veiw !!

Grace in Wales's picture

The root of all evil, they say, is Money!

I resent my partner sneaking money to the SD behind my back because I am the only one who goes out to work, and that is money that should be paying our bills. I started up my own small business 2 years ago. It's still running at a loss due to set up costs. I give SD £20 per week allowance. That's £1,040 per year. My kids, now 32 and 28 never had that. We all struggled together. Did without when we didn't have enough. And still had fun - without money.

SD stays with DH 3 nights a week at his parents' house (another story), but technically she lives with BM, who does very nicely on benefits, having never worked. BM has 4 kids by 4 dads. She has Sky TV, which I, working 18 hours a day, can't afford. When DH sneaks extra money to SD, that's our money for paying the bills. Gone. The bills can't be paid.

I'm not mean. I haven't an agenda against SD. I'm just trying to scratch a living for us without seeing my hard earned income spent on rubbish that will end up in landfill in 3 months time. SD spends for the sake of it, until every penny is gone. It's just greed and rampant consumerism. How much does an 11 year old need? I think more fresh air and friendship (free!) than skimpy clothes and hair dye (expensive!) would be good, if DH would be honest with us all.

stired_crazy's picture

My dad STILL does this and I am 34, if any of his kids are in a rut my sm cant know he did anything for us. Its been like that for years. Infact she gets jelous if my dad spends time with my son,I cant even get alone time with him as a adult, she has to be included in EVERYTHING!

And she feels she has to know everything so she can turn it around and tell other peoples business on her version. I have gotten into it with her MANY times, even to the point I told her I'd invest in a plane ticket to fly up there and let her have it( to put it nicely).She has caused all my siblings problems with their spouses.

Jelousy is a terrible thing, and MANY times I wish'd my dad would stand up to her and tell her he has a right to be concerned about his kids and grand kids.
This has really limited our relationship with him in many ways, he dont even come over for coffee or stop in to see anyone because she will have a bitch fit!

Good luck.. hope it changes for you in the long run, if not you'll be dodging just to get someone ono on one with him when she is not around.