Stepson with severe special needs
I have 3 kids - the youngest just graduated high school. I’ve been dating a man for 4 years and we have lived together for over a year. He has three kids ages 8-18. The middle child (12) is severe special needs. He cannot talk, he wears a diaper and is prone to seizures. He generally has a sweet disposition but often times hurts others by biting, pinching and pulling hair. He also is very destructive with anything that gets in his path. My boyfriends ex moved 2+ hour away when they divorced about 5 years ago so he primarily had weekend visitations roughly 2 weekends per month. The mom gets paid by the state to be the sons full time caregiver and gets substantial child support. She has now decided she no longer wants to have him full time and wants us to take him half the time. My boyfriend feels obligated to do his part but isn't thinking is through carefully. He owns his own business and works a ton of hours. His ex gets all of the help/benefits that come with being the primary caregiver. As we live in two different counties, we would not be eligible for any assistance/help.
I love my boyfriend dearly and we have a really good relationship when it's just us but I know I cannnot do more than two nights at a time with his son. When I try to talk to him about he gets upset and defensive stating he will not turn his back on his kids. I'm definitely not asking him to do that but is it wrong fir me not to want to do more that two weekends per month? If it becomes more than that, I know I will start to resent him and his son.
Taking on the care for a
Taking on the care for a special needs child is not easy. If your BF can't put in the time, he can't take in the child, because it is not your responsibility to do that.
Also, any agreement for a change in custody, should include a legal agreement and that should include any distribution of funds allocated for this child's care.
The other question I have is, is it in the best interest of this child to move to 50/50. How much does he depend on routines to maintain his emotional well-being. Most kids can be adaptable, but depending on his needs, he may struggle with any changes to his living situation and routines.
He seems to be very adaptable
He seems to be very adaptable - I'm the one that won't be able to handle it. Even though by BF does take on most of the care, he is incredibly disruptive to our home and lives. I do end up helping quite a bit because it's too much to handle for one person. The ex gets to put him in school all day and has respit care hours for help. I'm thinking there's other benefits that she hasn't been forthcoming with
Boyfriend needs face reality
Boyfriend needs to meet with the child's doctor, the school (both the current teacher and the team that handles the IEP), and a lawyer versed in special needs law. He needs to understand what services the child currently gets, and what is recommended for the future. Removing recommended services can be considered neglect and child protected services can become involved.
The child is 12. He's in school. How will that work when you are in two different counties? Who will be responsible for transportation? Is there a bus?
Boyfriend needs to realize that if he takes this on, he, not you, is taking this on. While you may help, he is going to need to hire a caregiver to supervise his son, one on one, when he is not present.
(If this child is that severely disabled, he is receiving SSDI. Since mom is the primary caretaker she is receiving the money. But, if the child is with dad 50% of the time, part of the money should follow the child to dad's house. He should ask a lawyer about this when they redo the custody agreement.)
Very good points
You bring up very good points for my BF to consider. Is the SSDI in addition to what the state pays the mom for being his full time caregiver?
Also, I've called different state departments to see what kind of assistance by BF can get and the only thing I've been told so far is that the benefits can not be given in two different counties. The ex has mentioned she will keep him during school and my BF will get him all summer and every break. All of that being said, I do believe my BF would be happy sticking with the two weekends per month as he realizes his limitations. The problem is the mom doesn't want to do it full time anymore.
School. Students with needs
School. Students with needs this severe usually have extended school year. The school year goes through much of the summer. Mom, if she is saying that she will keep him during school, would keep him then. Dad needs to check the IEP and with the school to find out what the school year actually means. Summer may not be as long as you are thinking.
Dad needs to see a lawyer versed in special needs. What a beaurocat in a state office tells you may, or may not, be what the law actually says.
The mom may burned out with this child's care even with help. Full time care of a severe special needs child is exhausting and as the child ages it becomes more difficult. It's a problem with no easy obvious solution. Dad should not expect you to pick up his slack. If he is taking on more time, he needs to find a way to be there or have a caregiver there. Or he needs to investigate if there are other respite situations available for the mom that he is currently unaware of and encourage her to use it.
BM is paid by both the State
BM is paid by both the State and your BF to care for this kid. DH needs to make sure that she does care for his son as she is paid to do. If she wants 50/50, she is no longer the primary care giver.
If... he chooses to take the kid 50/50 he needs to go after half of the State money and for a major reduction in CS.
I am not sure that I could or would accept this change if I were you.
As someone else said, he
As someone else said, he should be in school the majority of the year. He likely has Medicaid, and if so, it's probably true that he can't get services in 2 different counties, at least that's how it would be here.
Agree that the money has to be shared and there needs to be a discussion about how to get him the services he needs.
I can get BM being overwhelmed, can get you not wanting him there 50/50 and can get DH not wanting to turn his back on him. Maybe a group home with generous home visits is a better answer.
Case worker?
Who can we call to get more information on the benefits the child is entitled to? Are severe special needs children assigned a case worker that we can contact? The mom is not forthcoming on any of this
I'm sure it's very different,
I'm sure it's very different, state by state. In NY it's the Office for People with Developmental Disabilities that he'd likely get services from.
Your DH should most certainly refuse to take any more time until she coughs up the details of his services and service providers.
Poor kid--- :(
A severely disabled child such as you explained will continue to receive ssi regardless of where he is living . I imagine mom is the "PAYEE" who has SSD checks deposited into her account.
How much is she getting as a care giver?
You can try to have your boyfriend go to the social security department and ask BUT be ready for them to tell you Mom is payee and MOM is the gate keeper of all info. SHE has to allow him access. Most moms like her want to keep check money info out of the hands of dads.
Are you and boyfriend aware:
In all likelihood, mom will also qualify for life time child support for the rest of either the Childs life OR you boyfriends life because his disability started before age 18. All she has to do is ask for it. It does not sound like your boyfriends child will be able to ever support himself or life alone.
You have a lot to think about.
Ask her for proof of all income, ask her for redacted bank accounts showing deposits for all checks from last 6months. Ask her to go to social security office with your boyfriend and make it official that HE has full access to everything about his son.
Poor child---
He owns his own business and works a ton of hours. ??
So what your BF going to do about child care ? Who getting this kid up dress breakfast off to school ?
Is he getting a care giver ? Who taking care of DS after school.
Did you have "The talk " with your BF. That you are not the de facto babysitter. Nurse , You will not be taking care of SS.
Child care
We have talked about it and I explained to him that I was not equipped to deal with his son more than two nights at a time and if he needed to do more than than that he would have to get his own place. Apparently he is willing to do that. I really don't think he is thinking this through clearly. Mom said she will give up child support if he takes him half the time but none of the benefits and money that comes with the son. My BF says he will hire a caregiver when the son is with him. Ido t know how to make him see this clearly. Without any benefits for caregiving, and living on his own, I really don't see how he will make it financially.
I have a special needs
I have a special needs daughter. I am going to have to employ someone to come and help me one day a week in September if the nurseries are still closed then. The schools and nurseries are mainly shut where I live at the moment.
She’s my daughter but it’s very challenging, and I can see why some people wouldn’t want to live the life of even a part time cater.
I would certainly make sure bio mum got less in terms CS, and get legal advice on benefits (your partner could make a phone call to the benefits department to ask about what if scenarios???).
You could then choose to hire help for yourselves if you wish to.
In my opinion once she realises the money she would loose she would not go ahead with her plans, and why can’t she hire help with some of the money she gets after all that’s what some of it is for if necessary.
You can be kind without making this your responsibility.
I do not understand how living in different counties will affect the amount of help you are entitled to.
Government aid
I was told benefits can only be given in one county. I find it interesting that the mom decided to move the kids away from the father, 5 years later realized she can't handle it, and now wants my BF to fix it for her - while she keeps all services that go with the child. And what is my BF thinking by going along with her. She had never worked and has now decided she wants to go back to work. So her idea of 50/50 is my BF takes the kids during all their breaks and she takes them when they are in school
You are seeing it clearly
Thank goodness you are seeing the situstion clearly, even if BF doesnt. I agree, it seems untenable. Now, be strong and **please** don't make any commitments that you KNOW are unrealistic. Many of us are too soft-hearted for our own good.
Thank you
Thank you for making me feel better about my stance! Do I take the info I have gathered and try to make my BF see it clearly or do I let it go? His ex has manipulated him with the kids for years. It's really sad!
Info you have gathered
Another person on Steptalk had the same question about a different matter. It seems it's hard for some if the fathers to hear sensitive info verbalky. What she did was get printouts from indisputable sources and give the info to her DH. That approach worked, he was able to absorb the info that way. All you can do is try then let it go. Ultimately, this problem (BF, Ex and disabled son) existed before you came along and will still be there when you are gone.
Time for mommy to have her
Time for mommy to have her nose rubbed in the stinky spot on the carpet of her decisions. If she wants daddy to take the child that she is paid to care for by both the State and DH, she loses half of the related support and DH gets half of the State benefits.
Her attempt to withdraw from half of the care of this special needs child while trying to keep all of the related State benefits tells more than necessary about her lack of character.