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I'm at a complete loss

Red_panda7's picture

I'm really just starting out this is still early in my blended families relationship but having a stepson with Autism isn't my biggest challenge

It's hard to believe that maybe but it's true I love my step kids and hate them but more than anything I really hate not knowing how to interrupt when things are getting out of hand, I mean I see it, know when I as a parent would step in but have there Bio mom telling me I can't interfear at all
but when my son just wants to follow the stepson with Autism around and they play (we seperate them when it gets out of hand) they love to play with one another but with play they behave very poorly. Neither likes to share or take turns, both feed off each others energy until they are literally running through the house and screaming And when he (step son) wants to be left alone he winds up hitting eventually which my son doesn't understand isn't play anymore and play hits back (like a super hero fighting a bad guy) they both get hurt and cry. I'm not sure when I can and can't step in. I would do it if it weren't for my step daughter who constantly reports any time I try to interact with the youngest stepson I mean she literally gets out her phone and calls her mom who calls my BF at work he is literally dragged into every little fight, I'm doing everything I can not to lose my temper with her
and my son and I will go to the park he gets locked in with me for a few hours to give them space and breathing room and its not like there dad doesn't spend alone time with each of them as a group and as indeviduals but step daughter is rude flippant has said the only way she'll behave again is if BF leaves me she calls me names and she's really nice to my son unless he is talking about my BF when he's at work he started calling him dad and my BF doesn't mind and in fact likes it since we are a family but when he leaves she says things like he's not your dad and you have to call him "****" I'm ready to lose it he's four if he grows up with him he's filling a father figure roll

Also SDaughter shouldn't even complain because the mom she calls mom isn't her Bio mom she got together with my BF when the step daughter was 4 it's like she can't look at her very own life and go it happened to me and she Loves the mom she think's of as mom

I'm seriously at a loss I can't just keep doing what I'm doing and the Skids dad doesn't see the bad behavior's and has talked to them about it but can't stop them when they are actually happening

twoviewpoints's picture

Take the phone away from SD while you're watching the skids. The skids can either be sent home to BM when BF is working or you are the authoritative figure during his absence. BM doesn't get to parent from afar in BF's house.

Time for you to take control of what's happening in your home. If you are going to continue watching the kids while BF works then BF needs to put you in that role and stop all the calling BM who then calls Dad. If these two parents want to continue co-parenting as it currently stands, just say 'no' and send the skids back to BM's.

This is not going to get better for you until and/or less you stop following yourself to be used in the manner you're tolerating currently.

Red_panda7's picture

I appreciate the feed back and my BF and I have talked the SD behavior will change he and his daughter are going to go to counciling and as for the youngest step son we can work on it I have time lots of time he's young and my boy will learn coping mecanisims for how to deal as he gets older I'm just trying to work it out between them while my 4 year old can't understand why his "friend" says I hate you I don't wanna be your friend anymore and 5 minutes later comes back like nothing happens

ctnmom's picture

Why should your son "learn to deal"? Why do us women put our precious children in these situations with other people's toxic kids? Are we so desperate for a man, any man, that we sacrifice our kids childhoods?

ctnmom's picture

Tommar, I honestly don't get it. SS36 has, at times, driven me up the wall/broken my heart, but he has always loved and been excellent with my kids. There was just never a question that I would allow him to be a burden on MY kids- and he never has. In no world would I let that happen to my kids.

twoviewpoints's picture

Probably for the same reason her 4yr old son is being encouraged to call OP's BF 'Dad'. Then getting all bend out o shape when the 'SD'14 objects to it.

Why should a 4yr old with his own father be encouraged to call the OP's BF 'Dad'? The OP is in process of divorcing her DH, who is fighting for the child, yet OP thinks her BF should get the 'Dad' title.

Red_panda7's picture

Why because his biodads a worthless peice of ****. He abused me badly for three years (with him for 5) and I was too scared and nieave and just plain F***ing weak to leave before. He was absolutely scary weighes 600 lb and lazy (no job, staying instead on disability insead of going back to school even though I tryed and tryed I couldn't force him) and not what anyone should look to as a father...

Stepmom of 2's picture

My SD, now 18, used to call her BM all the time, but it was only when SHE didn't get what SHE wanted. When my DH and I got married almost 5 years ago, we would be out and about and then stop for dinner, sometimes at 8pm, and eventually, my SD would ask to use my DH's phone because she wanted to ask her BM a question. OK, legitimate. Well, not really. My SD would then get up from the table and walk away with my DH's phone. I was like WTF?? And my DH did even pay attention. In a few minutes, SD would come back and hand the phone to DH and he would get a royal bitching from BM. Yet, everything that SD told BM was either a bold face lie or really embellished on the truth. BM is a control freak and knows how to manipulate the situation to her advantage, then in another conversation would say oh yeah she lies all the time.

I get you. I have been there. With much prodding from me, my DH eventually required SD to say exactly why she wanted to call BM and she could not leave our site while on the phone. SD tried to walk away, but it didn't work, we followed her. I understand you can't follow your SD because you have your SS and BS, but I would agree 100%.

Even though your BF and SD are going to counselling and your BF says that her behavior will change, I would take the phone when she arrives and not give it back until she goes back home to BM. It is early in the change the behavior game and I think taking it away right away would be best. She won't be able to call BM. Oh, it doesn't matter if BM bought the phone for SD, she is in your house and you can take the phone away, you just have to give it back when she goes home. I have been through that with my SD.

Good luck to you!