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I hate his summer parenting schedule

P.A.T's picture

Hi all,

I am new to StepTalk and I am just at the end of my rope. I am currently engaged to my 28 year-old boyfriend of 2 years and he has a 10 year old son who has high functioning autism, had some birth defects, and his extremely hyperactive but overall he acts and plays like a normal child. Overall we tend to all get along, but lately I have been disengaging myself from his son because his son is sooooooo much work! He is always talking, i mean like ALWAYS and repeating the same questions over and over again even after we have answered his question, or he asks a question and if we don't know the answer he gives us the answer, makes no sense to me. He is just a go-go-go kind of kid and there is nothing wrong with that but sometimes i just need some peace and quiet. I know it is not his fault that he was born the way he was, but even though he may be 10, almost 11, he acts like my 6 year old nephew and is very dependent and it is driving my crazy because he purposly acts dumb in some situations when he doesn't want to do something his dad or i ask him to do, like pick up his toys, making his bed, or even small things like turning on the shower, which we know he is capable and knows how to do. 

The current dilema i am having is my fiance's summer parenting schedule because we have him for 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off throughout the summer and lately my fiance has been throwing it in my face that i never want to do anything with his son because i'm always tired after coming home from work. I work 8 to 10 hour days and i work Monday thru Saturday so yes i am tired! I honestly don't feel bad myself for disenaging because i am not being meaning to his son, i am just doing my own thing while he is over but it isn't what my fiance wants. I feel like he wants me to play mommy but i don't want to. I have told him many times now that i don't have to like his son, i don't have to love his son, but i do have to be a good person to his son and make sure he is okay, and he seems to take it in okay and then when when we have his son again we are back to sqaure one becuase as soon as his son walks in the door he always wants to do something and if we don't have anything planned he sighs and get into a bad attitude and frankly it doesn't make me want to be around him. I'm just going crazy in my own home and it's times like this that i won't even want to go home after a long day becuase i have to deal with my fiance trying to make me feel guilty for "not" wanting to spend time with his son but yet when my fiance works the graveyard shift he likes to have his aunt watch his kid so he can play video games but yet his excuses is he doesn't want his son to be "bored." And now i am starting to feel like he just wants me to be a nanny when i come home so he doesn't have to deal with him and go out and do things with him. I just don't know what to do or say anymore to my fiance so he will understand that i have a choice to be or not be around his son, i am not his mom and he doesn't try to make me feel guilty becuase he himself even says his son is a lot of work, and it is sad to say but i just can't want until this Friday when the 2 weeks are over so i can have some peace. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Ask him this, "What would you do with your son if I was not in your life?"

Then instruct him that THAT is what he's supposed to do now. That you didn't make SS and you get to decide how much time you want to spend with him. And your fiance is the parent, so he doesn't get a choice.

catmiao's picture

Same here, we've got a HFA+ADHD kid at home. The difference is that we have him full time instead of part time. And it sounds like you don't have a child your own (while I do). I can't tell you how much I love it when my SS11 is NOT around. It's sad to say this, but my ss is the one person i won't miss if he's just not around anymore. Even with the dad being the supportive kind it's still extremely stressful to live with an ASD child.

Back to your situation...

1. I think the first question to ask is whether you want to be with this man. Because the kid is not going away. How much sacrafice are you willing to do for this man? The annoyance is always going to be there. Partially because the unawareness of ASD kids (sometimes because they really don't know), and partially because when an ASD kid decides to be a jerk they are REALLY big jerks. If you really love this man and willing to stay, or at least wanting to try to make this situation work, then...

2. You should not be "playing mom" if you don't want to, however, you should be able to set the rule of your house when the skid is around. Your fiancee has to be on your side. You can't fight this alone. Plus, seriously, you didn't create that kid so anything you do for the child is something extra that he gets. Your fiancee SHOULD NOT be expecting you to just be there for HIS son for no reason at all. If he disagrees, perhaps you need to go back #1 and think again whether you still want to be with this man.

3. if #1 and #2 are not an issue, then dealing with ASD kid is just a long term fight that you will have to slowly master. It took me a year to train my SS to be able to handle his morning routine on his own. (my dog learns quicker than that seriously) Your Skid is not going to see how uninterested you are when he does the non-stop talking because he probably can't pick up the emotional cue. You can tell him that he needs to stop because you are working on something else and don't have time for him now. If he continues, you can remove yourself. I might be unfortunate for them that they need to learn the hard way, but who else outside of the family will tolerate this anyway? It's better learn early than late.

4. The child needs to learn to entertain himself. Do you guys allow him to play "some video games"? We constantly encourage our kids to play outside instead of bury themselves in front of a device but we do allow reasonable amount of time for them to play video games or a movie in the room or something of that sort. If your fiancee is not keen on utilizing extra entertainment he'd better be the entertainer. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to be with this child. Sometimes they make it real hard for anyone to want to be around them. 

Best of luck to you!

Harry's picture

Change except you may get him 24/7 if BM has enough.  This is how he is, it’s not going to get Any  better, he not going to care for himself.  Your SO made this kid it’s his responsibility, not yours, I am shure he wants to lighten his  load by you taking some of the care over.  You did not make this kid, you should not be strapped down with this kid for the rest of your life.  You need to have a heart to heart talk with your SO, and get some guide lines down on how you are going to live, what you will and will not do.  How you get time for yourselves, vacation by your self.  That your whole marriage will not be taking care of this child 

MoominMama's picture

BM here just dropped the ball on bringing up her difficult HFA son. It's hard being around someone like that when it's not your child. They are not fun to be with and are hard work to teach any life skills to. With NT kids you might have to reoeat stuff sometimes but with AS kids it's over and over and even then they just 'forget' because it's all on their terms and they decided better. (an example of skid here). I would not advise this life for any one. HFA dies not mean easier. 

Harry's picture

This kid is not going to live on his own.  He will be there for the rest of your life.  Except bigger then you