Am I a horrible person for asking my boyfriend and his son to leave?
My boyfriend and his son moved in with me and my two boys, ages 6 and 10, about four months ago. He has full custody of him. My new SS started acting out and behaving badly at home and school. His dad kept telling me it was due to all the new changes of moving in with us, going to a new school, etc .. which I understood and have been very patient and tried to help him.
But after the fifth time of watching this 7 year old child throw a two year old style tantrum kicking and screaming on the floor because he wasn't getting his way, or launching toys and large objects at the walls, kicking walls, slamming doors and showing major agression and anger... I started to wonder. I found out he has a 504 plan at school. The new school has been evaluating him since he started. He has has serious behavior issues at school too. He flat out refuses to listen to me, his teachers, and his dad. He screams NO at us all the time. They've diagnosed him this last week with ODD and possibly most likely mild ADHD.
I can't deal. I have felt like a selfish jerk for a while now but am realizing this is NOT my battle. I was not made aware of this at all because his dad is in denial/also thinks his behavior is normal. It's NOT. Its been making me an anxious stressed out wreck. I've been a mess. The sound of this child's voice makes me tense. He's often, daily, in a bad mood. Throws fits, and objects, and whines and cries and screams if he doesn't get his way. He can be cruel and manipulative to my boys. He won't share his hoard of toys he keeps in his room but expects to use all of my sons toys and things. Throws a fit if he can't have what they have. He throws fits over everything and anything. I always thought I was so patient with kids till I met this one. I'm at the end of my rope. I run my own business and work at home and having this kid here has affected my work. He's my responsibility while dad works all day. Last week he hit and kicked me in the middle of a screaming fit, I had asked him to go to his room to calm down and he went ballistic. Dad didn't do a thing. I told him about it. I told his dad last night that I don't think I can do this. I don't have the patience. I'm so stressed it's physically affecting me. His dad seemed to understand at first but then got upset. He said " if this was YOUR son then you would handle it". Well of course. But he isn't my son. I'm not selfish for admitting the truth and saying I can't handle this. I wasn't prepared for this at all. My patience is running out. I've tried stepping back but it kills me living with this child. Tonight he was acting out while we were trying to have cake and presents for my son's birthday. I can't stand it. I can't live like this. I hate to end this relationship, it's been amazing otherwise. But I feel like I am expected to care for this kid full time and I just can't. I feel like his dad is trying to make me feel guilty about it. The thought of taking care of him this summer while school is out makes me sick to my stomach. My business won't make it. I won't make it. They have to go but how do you tell someone you really care about that you can't live with their child? It's really hurting him. I feel aweful but I can't figure out how to make myself be able to live like this.
PS
Ps- I've been reading these forums and you LL are amazing for sharing here and helping each other and for being so honest. Just knowing I'm not alone has helped me so much after finding this page a couple days ago. I have felt like the world biggest, most selfish jerk. But I just cannot do this.
No, I think you very
No, I think you very being pragmatic and while the son might have his issues a dad that isn't willing to step up and parent isn't going to improve your situation.
You can always date and keep to separate homes but I suspect your bf isn't looking for a partner as much as he is looking for a built in mom/nanny.
If you aren't willing to save yourself, save your kiddos before they start emulating the behavior of your bf's son.
I would have NEVER married my hubby if he wasn't a decent father.
I was thinking about
I was thinking about suggesting seperate homes too but I have a sinking suspicion I am being used for childcare. Without me he has no one to take his son to school and pick him up and take care of him afterwards while he's at work. Some of his responses to me last night made me realize he's more upset about having to get his own place again and losing me as a free babysitter than anything else. I understand it will be hard for him if they have to leave but he HAS to understand and respect that this is too hard for me.
I'm feeling used. He's depending on me way too much and not taking me seriously when I have told him how hard this is. I also don't think he's taking his sons issues seriously enough. Thank you for your response.
Honestly, he could always get
Honestly, he could always get a part time nanny to take the stress off you for his kid. It would probably cost him as much as rent. He could always check to see if the son's school offers a latchkey programs.
I would feel taken advantage of too hopefully he wakes up and decides to offer solutions instead of complaints or guilt trips.
It's not fair for you and
It's not fair for you and your sons to have to deal with this. Give them the boot. You are being used.
I've suspected this too. I've
I've suspected this too. I've gladly helped out because that's what you do in a family but this doesn't feel right. At all. It's too much on me. On my kids. This childs behavior is not being checked. He's running and terrorizing this household. And after me telling him I didn't think I could do this last night, I've been getting texts about how "amazing" and "strong" I am. Like he's trying to kiss my butt today after being upset and not speaking to me last night.
Please look up the following
Please look up the following 2 terms:
Love bombing
Gaslighting
Sadly I should be familiar
Sadly I should be familiar with these terms from my last relationship. But it appears I need to go look them up again and refresh my memory. I just did NOT expect this from this man, he's been amazing up until this situation.
Careful, lol, "amazing" is a
Careful, lol, "amazing" is a trigger word around here!
People are always "great", until they are not.
Don't feel bad, I was straight up lied to about my formerSO's rotten to the core kid too. And formerSO was great...until he wasn't too.
But, note "former". It's ok to make a mistake; it's not ok to take no action once you realize it.
Thank you. I'm glad I posted
Thank you. I'm glad I posted this here. You all have been so helpful, honest and truthful. I needed it.
Yes, the are "amazing" except
Yes, the are "amazing" except for...... Or until you are not useful or go against what they want. Then you will see how amazing they really are!
Nah. This is crazy. No one
Nah. This is crazy. No one should tolerate their child treating other humans this way. Bottom line: if he is not stepping up and resolving the issue with HIS son, than they have got to go. He is in denial about it because the responsibility has been pawned off on you. If he was the one that had to handle him alone, he would see it's a problem. Give them that space to resolve this issue. I'm all for being a team player and offering help to a child in need but its not your burden to bare and you cant do it alone.
No, you are not a horrible
No, you are not a horrible person. There are very few people who would have the kindness and patience to deal with a child like this who is not their own. It is completely unreasonable and unacceptable for your boyfriend to foist his ill behaved, troubled child on you. HE should be dealing with his child. He is obviously not respecting your business (which is suffering because of his kid) or you and your feelings. That would be enough for me to give them the heave ho, but on top of that you have YOUR children to consider. Do you want your kids to be exposed to this bad behavior? Do you want them to pick up his poor coping techniques? Do you want to risk this out of control child hurting one of your kids during one of his fits of rage? They need to go, and the sooner the better. Don't let him love bomb you - he'll probably say anything to not give up the good deal he currently has. Unfortunately, it's a raw deal for you, no matter how strong and wonderful your boyfriend tells you you are. It's only been 4 months - cut your losses.
your sons
Your first obligation is to your own children. Do you want your children to live like this? (And it will get worse as the boy ages unless Dad learns to parent this child)
Absolutely not. My children
Absolutely not. My children will NOT live like this.
No, you are not a horrible person!
No, you are not a horrible person - you are being a good mother. You need to get your kids out of this dysfunction - it is not good for them, or you.
If the school has been
If the school has been evaluating the boy since he started going there, your partner has known for some considerable time what his potential issues are.
He chose not to share this important bit of information with you, therefore you were not fully informed of the facts when you invited them to live in your home.
It is a difficult situation and you are quite entitled to change your mind about them living there. No you are not a horrible person, everybody has a right to change their mind.
If you both love each other, then it might be workable to stay together but live apart whilst negotiating a new plan for your future together.
It is hard accepting that your child has special needs (my child has an assessment tomorrow for autism/ or some other special needs). It is easier to accept it though. That way all help available can be fully utilised.
could your partner get financial help due to the disability and put it towards some form of childcare for the summer holidays?
Do not be used for childcare, it is his (the parents) responsibility.
I do feel like he hid his
I do feel like he hid his sons issues from me, but also he has been in major denial and thinks his son is normal. I'm sure it's so hard to accept the fact that your child has an issue like this, I have tried to be sympathetic but he also needs to be understanding of my position. He kept insisting that his son just needed to adjust to the the new house, family and school which was understandable to me.
I love this guy but this has started to change and affect my feelings towards him at this point. I feel terrible. I wanted to be there for these two. They're good guys. But everything in me is telling me I cannot handle this.
Trust your gut
You are correct to state, "everything in me is telling me I cannot handle this."
So you already know this needs to end. BF chose to omit the truth, denies the truth, won't parent, compares you to ex's, and tried to guilt-trip manipulate you by using YOUR son in his apples-to-oranges comparison.
Glad you found StepTalk and wrote. Hopefully the validation you receive here helps you take action to relieve yourself & your kids of this nightmare. You've done far more than most would for BF & his son. You are responsible for neither - only for your own kids & self.
I'm thinking 30-day notice, in writing. Don't let BF guilt-trip or love-bomb you either. Don't feel like you have to explain or argue - use The Broken Record technique and keep repeating "This does not work for me and I've decided I'm done." no matter what angles he tries to get you to relent & let him continue as-is (which is toxic to you!).
Please be strong, for your kids & your sanity.
This is what I'm bracing
This is what I'm bracing myself for. Telling him it's done and they need to go. I wrote down a list of reasons and reminders for MYSELF. He is just going to get "I cannot do this anymore. This doesn't work for me." I do not owe him a list of reasons that he can argue with. I'm thinking a deadline of the end of this month. I'm not getting stuck watching his son for the whole Christmas/winter break. My sons and I are leaving the state to see my mom after Christmas and I want him out with locks changed by then. Not telling him we're going on a trip either.
Store your valubles and
Store your valubles and important documents somewhere safe before you leave and take pictures of all the rooms to prove what state they were in should he or his kid choose to mess the place up or try to steel something when they move out. I hope he moves out without any fuss, but best to be prepared.
Excellent proactive advice,
Excellent proactive advice, BethAnne!
Also, you don’t appear to
Also, you don’t appear to have mentioned the boys mother. Does he get CS from the boys mother so he can use that towards some childcare, or accommodation for himself and child.
Mom is out of the picture.
Mom is out of the picture. She's a mess. Has no rights/doesn't care, and I believe he gets like $35 a month in CS. If that. It's sad.
You just posted about seeing his paystubs showing child support
You just posted about seeing his paystubs showing child support payments in your "conclusion" postings Saturday evening. To whom is he paying child support if mom is out of the picture?
A lot of people put effort into supporting you on this thread. Please tell me that you were not jerking us around. That has sadly happened before yet we always give people the benefit of the doubt until someone trips themselves up by not keeping their story straight. The members here take kindness and support very seriously and do not appreciate someone getting their jollies by spinning fiction to get attention. I truly hope that is not the case here.
The only real treatment for
The only real treatment for ODD is to provide a structured home with clear rules and consequences. If he isn't willing to do that, the child will just get worse.
Just cut your losses now.
We've tried to keep a good
We've tried to keep a good routine with all the kids and that helped a bit for sure. But we're struggling to agree on consequences and keep that consistent. His son needs more consequences than my son's do, and different ones sometimes too. I've suggested that a video game turn be taken away one night while he was screaming and kicking walls in his room while we were all trying to sleep.... His dad's response was "that's not fair, the other kids aren't losing their turns.". UM. If my children were screaming and kicking walls they would absolutely be losing a a LOT of priveleges. But they aren't. And they do receive consequences for if they misbehave.
He's very concerned about everything being exactly equal and fair. But they are different children with different needs, it's been so frustrating. I've been trying to read and research about ODD and the more I do the more I just don't think I can deal with this. I've tried. I'm sure a huge part of it is that this is not my child and I just don't have the unconditional love that I have for my two that I carried and birthed. I can't help that. I can't fake it. I feel aweful. But it's the truth.
ODD kids are very difficult
ODD kids are very difficult to tolerate, even for their own parents. Don't feel guilty. Your SO isn't dealing with the behavior appropriately and it will be an ongoing battle to get him to see that "fair" does mean "equal" and that his son will need different parenting with likely more consequences.
And your kids don't deserve to have to deal with this stuff. You aren't married, get your own place and date again - see if he's willing to REALLY address his kid's behavior. Kids with ODD that young don't have a great prognosis and he will likely always be a very difficult kid, especially as a teen.
I already am struggling to
I already am struggling to deal with a 7 year old acting like a two year old, I cannot imagine dealing with him as a bigger teenager, throwing his destructive angry fits. No thanks. I won't be around for that. If they continue as they are now it will NOT be good. Thank you. You've been very helpful. I appreciate your response.
You deserve SO much better ~
...and it would be better to be alone right now than for you and your kids to be exposed to this. You have the right, no the responsibility(!) to listen to your gut and follow it out of this unhealthy "relationship." You've got this ~ no lengthy, arguable points. "It's not working for me." Period
Keeping it short, sweet and
Keeping it short, sweet and simple has been the best. If I lose my calm with him, then I lose. He's a total manipulative narcissist. Trying to drag me into arguments that I cannot win to break my down. There's more to this story that I can't share publicly about how we met, but I'll just say it's unethical that he began this relationship in this first place due to his job. I just keep repeating "I am sorry this is hard, but I stand firm in my decision". He tried to tell me for a while day that I do not have the right to end this. Whatever dude.
dad's response
So when his kid deserves a consequence all the children should get the same consequence. How does he explain the fairness of that?
If you stay in this lunacy, BF is never going to get it together and actually parent this child the way he needs to be parented. It will always be about the unfairness to his child. You cannot save this child by staying with him (and you will harm your children)
He showed last night again
He showed last night again that this is absolutely crazy. His son had a fit at school in protest of his homework (a frequent occurrence) and he is supposed to lose his video game turn for that. Dad got home from work and let him hide in his room to play his games anyways. No wonder this kid is a monster.
Time to move on
This kid is never going to change. His BF is not doing anything but tug sweeping . It's only going to get worst. You can not spend yoir whold life like this.
You are not a horrible person
You are not a horrible person, your boyfriend is. He should have made you fully aware of the situation before you moved in. He should have discussed any adjustments that would need to be made to help the move go smoothly. He should be fully supporting his kid with all of his needs. He should empathize with you when you tell him how difficult it is. He should be horrified that his son physically attacked you. He should be working with you to find ways to make this work for all of you in the household. He should be offering alternatives to you doing all this free childcare for him. ....
If you can not dump him right now (for whatever reason) then I would do it in 2 stages. First present it as a failed trial in living together and you needing him to move out and wanting to go back to how the relationship was before with the option of moving back in together when the boy is older and “more mature”.
Then when they are out of your home, dump this man. He and his son are not going to get any better, he shows no signs of wanting to improve his son’s behavior or trying to empathize with you.
I like this idea a lot. This
I like this idea a lot. This man has claimed and seemed to be such a mature and understanding person, so he should understand but some of his behavior and what he's said since I was honest with him the other night is worrying me that he won't take this well. I may just suggest moving and slowing down the relationship and then breaking it off. I don't know yet. I am definitely concerned about how he will react.
While this sounds like a good
While this sounds like a good idea, prepare for him to say "that is moving backwards", "he wants to be in a full time relationship", blah blah. With assorted gaslighting to make you feel bad.
I am fully prepared for all
I am fully prepared for all of that. I expect it all from him. He started doing it already the other night when I first brought this up. It will be a lot worse when I officially tell him I am done.
My last BF had 3 brats. He
My last BF had 3 brats. He had custody 1 night a week with a visit during the week when he moved in. Right after he was in the kids started coming 3 to 4 nights a week. It was horrible. The TV was on constantly at loud volumes, if the TV was being used in the living room they would go into my bedroom. The apartment was only two bedrooms and there was no escape. Everytime I would try to get BF to move out he would say that breakups shouldn't be allowed by one person's decision and that it was an attack on the other person. He wouldn't leave and it was horrible. I finally ended up helping him with money so he could afford a place. I bought a house and needed him out of my apartment so I could end my lease. Unbelievable really. I felt bad for the kids but it wasn't my problem and I never imagined he would have 1/2 custody when I agreed to let him move in. I am so glad I kicked him out and I believe you will be too after you are rid of your guy!
Holy cow, so I was reading
Holy cow, so I was reading back over these comments and found yours again. My ex and yours must know each other or something. Mine spent almost a whole day trying to tell me that I cannot make the decision to end this by myself. Are you KIDDING ME? I do feel bad for his son but he is a full grown man and it's not my problem anymore. We're telling him today he has till tomorrow afternoon to be out, while his son is away at Grandma's for the weekend.
You are not a bad person for
You are not a bad person for wanting to put yourself and your children first. You are not a bad person because you have discovered that your BF may not exactly be the person you once thought.
He has not been honest with you. He doesn't have your back. He is using you for childcare. You work at home.. most companies frown on people working from home and doubling up as dependent care.
Clearly this isn't working for you or your family. I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of this relationship and get this boy away from your home. Your BF will be mad.. you will be a queen B for putting them out.. you are selfish etc.. in his eyes.. he will blame you.. but you still need to do what is right for you.
Yeah he will definitely talk
Yeah he will definitely talk badly about me like he does about his ex wife but I do not care. I just want my peace back.
Thank you.
Who cares if he talks poorly!
Who cares if he talks poorly! You and your children will have PEACE. Everyone deserves (and needs) peace at home.
Dup!
Duplicate
Thank you.
Wow. Thank you all. I don't feel selfish or horrible anymore. I take full ownership of my part in our mistake of moving in together too quickly and am going to correct it.
He's gotta go. My eyes have also been opened through this process of realization and I am seeing tons of other red flags. Nope. Never again will I ignore red flags in a relationship.
I am working out how to talk to him about this. Bracing myself for more gaslighting, manipulation and love bombing. I have back up and support from friends and family if needed. I would like to think he will go maturely and peacefully. But at this point I am realizing I don't know him that well and have been misled and used. So who knows. Tonight his son has a Christmas performance at school and we will focus on that, going to support him, I want to do this as smoothly as possible for the kids sake and make sure all of our boys are ok. I will have the big talk with him tomorrow after work. I have to decide on a deadline for them to be out. I will be firm and will not let him manipulate me further.
Thanks again for all of the support and help. I'm using this advice to help me do this and feel a lot better about this decision now. It's still going to be hard. But I can do this.
Evil3 somewhat adressed this....
But what about YOUR kids? What about THIER childhood? I know I'm in the minority on this site, but I always have put my (now grown) kids first. We only get 18 years to have them at home, and help them to become productive members of society. But also, I think we owe them a fairly peacful, safe home. Not perfect, but safe, secure. Are your sons getting this? Then it would be simple for me. He needs to go. The son is NOT your responsibility, and if your BF gets kicked in the teeth enough by people who refuse to watch his kid, he mtght acutually PARENT his OWN child. As the others have said, you're being used.
I may have not done a good
I may have not done a good job if mentioning everything here, there's SO much. I'm currently writing out all of thoughts and issues to help me get it all together. But I am absolutely worried about my boys. I was starting to worry about the effects of this on them long before I realized the effects it was having on me. And as I've been writing out all my thoughts on paper this afternoon it's been even more clear. This is NOT ok for them. At all. Period. I've watched this kid be manipulative and cruel to my boys. And his dad has sided with him against my boys a few times too. They were wrestling/pillow fighting a couple weeks ago and he got bumped in the face and started bawling on the floor. Not hurt, we checked him, just was angry he was "losing" the pillow fight. His dad got really angry at my son and me and yelled and left the house taking his son with him. That has been sitting wrong with me for weeks now. I can't let the boys play any games like that anymore, not even tag, in case this child gets hurt or upset, and all the blame is placed on my sons. I have had to take my boys in bedrooms and shut the doors during homework time because this kiddo screams and is loud and disruptive in protest of doing his homework. It's no way to live and has been the root cause of my anxiety and stress.
Well that's reassuring to hear.
I'm glad they're factoring into your decision. They don't really have a choice in the matter, I hate to see kids suffer because of stepsibling nonsense.
Good luck and keep steong
Early in my marriage with my DH, he and BM thought I could be their nanny and free daycare because I work from home. My SSs were loud, rude and jerks and BM started showing up later and later without bothering to check if it was ok. I finally snapped and said NO more! My DH came back at me with “what am I supposed to do with the kids if you don’t kee them?” My response was “the same thing you did before I came along!!!”
You need peace!! You need to be able to work and raise your children without the demon spawn affecting your job and children.
i wouldn’t even bother going to the school program. Let SO go alone. And tell your SO he needs to get out ASAP. The longer you aow him to stay the longer he has to gaslight and guilt you.
He has relatives, he can go stay with them.
The only possibility for the
The only possibility for the survival of this relationship with you and your children being healthy and your business surviving is for he and his child to get their own place.
When the Skid is with mommy then you can have couple time.
You are not evil. You are intelligent and pragmatic. His comments and tantrums about how you would handle it if one of your sons had SS's problems is manipulative gas lighting bullshit.
Move on.
Here's another mind blowing
Here's another mind blowing example. Yesterday this kiddo threw a fit at school when he was assigned homework which has been a usual issue for him. Yelled and cried and refused to cooperate because he was given a small amount of homework to do. I picked him up and he was upset because he knew that meant he was going to lose all his video game turn for that day. It's what we've agreed on for his consequences for bad behavior at school. I enforce the rule and he threw a fit at home too, kicking and screaming. Dad gets home from work and was frustrated that his son was grounded from the games. Guess who got to play games last night? I went in his room to give him his blanket and he was hiding in there playing, tried to hide the screen from me because he knew I had told him no games as a result of his bad behavior at school.
I fully believe the reason this child is such a horrific brat is the lack of parenting and consistent consequences for poor behavior. He is allowed to run wild and have what he wants and demands. If one of my children acted that way at school and disrespected their teachers like that, the video games would be LONG GONE. For a while. Till we could get a grip on the behavior. I simply do not tolerate this behavior from kids. Or adults. These two have to go.
When will you tell him?
When will you tell him? Please keep us updated!
I was planning on telling him
I was planning on telling him tonight. He just texted from work and said he is bringing his 13 year old daughter home with him(he doesn't have custody of her, she's allowed to hang out with him a couple hours a week though) so now I don't know.
I told him Sunday I don't know if I can do this and he got upset, tried to make me feel guilty, and has been acting like everything is ok and normal ever since, being all loving and sweet, taking family pics, etc. it's weird. He hasn't checked in with me or wanted to acknowledge what I told him. I will have the talk with him tomorrow after he gets home from work. That will give me one more day to get myself ready I suppose. I'm feeling ready, confident and strong enough to do this now. I'm fed up. His behavior since our talk Sunday has confirmed all my suspicions. He doesn't give a shit. Just wants the comfy life I provide for him. I will absolutely keep you all updated.
has been acting like
has been acting like everything is ok and normal ever since, being all loving and sweet, taking family pics, etc. it's weird. He hasn't checked in with me or wanted to acknowledge what I told him.
Haha! Yeah, if he just ignores it and plays nice, you will just forget all about it. He is scared!
It infuriates me that woman
It infuriates me that woman have to even worry about their own protection when doing something such as ending a relationship. I would love to think he would NEVER do anything at all to hurt me, let alone even scare me or make me uncomfortable... But then I also thought a lot of other things about him that have all turned out to be wrong.
He's been oddly cheerful today. Came home from work joking around and being way too cheery for someone whose girlfriend just told him "I don't know if I can do this" on Sunday. Im beginning to wonder how mentally stable he is. Fudge.
His son threw a horrific fit again for me after school today. He does it when his dad isn't here. It's becoming an almost daily occurrence. He ran to his room and started slamming walls, so hard the house was shaking. It's scary how hard that 7yr old can hit and kick. All because I Iasked him to turn the TV down for his Xbox game a couple of notches, it was blasting. I refuse to lay a finger on him and he absolutely will not listen to me at all so I am completely powerless over this 7 year old. Then dad comes home soon after, laughing and joking around. The way he's pretending everything is grand when it's clearly not is worrying me. It's as if he didn't even hear me tell him I can't handle his child and live like this, he's pretending it didn't happen.
I could go on about his selfish self. He's invited himself and his son and even his other daughter who doesn't live with us to all of our family events with my son's grandparents and side of the family (their dad passed away a couple of years ago, we're really close with them, they own our house) and he has no problem letting them pay for all their food/hotel rooms/whatever. Not to mention he's living in the house THEY own and hasn't paid a penny of the rent he's promised. It's embarrassing. And his son usually causes a scene at these family events. He complained loudly about gifts at a gift exchange we did at Thanksgiving. I wanted to crawl under a rug and die.
I'm starting to worry about his reaction now. I was planning on giving them till the 29th to leave, that gives him two paychecks to figure everything out and is more than generous.
I will see what I can do to have some backup tomorrow. I hate to think it's necessary but maybe it is. I am very proud of myself for catching all of this fairly quickly, only about four months in. The old me would have let this BS go on for YEARS without having the guts to stand up for myself and my children. I'm not that person anymore. I'm a strong woman who deserves peace and happiness and the best. And honestly I am very happy as a single momma, I always do very well. The relationships I've had as a single parent have drained me financially and emotionality. I'm DONE with that. Dude has to GO.
Update
Today is D-Day. When he gets home from work tonight I am going to talk to him and tell him the news. I am nervous about how it's going to go, how he's going to react, etc, but also I am very oddly at peace. That's how I know I am doing the right thing. The anxiety I have felt crushing my chest for weeks is GONE.
Wish me luck and I will keep you all updated. Thanks again for all for the honesty and wise words and clear perspective you all have given me here. It's helped me get to this point and is helping me do what's right me for my children and for me. I am NOT a horrible selfish person like I thought I was a few days ago.
Hoping everything goes okay.
Hoping everything goes okay. Stay strong, no matter what he tries to say or do. You know this is the right thing.
PLEASE make sure you have
PLEASE make sure you have someone there with you.
You've told this guy you don't think you can do it. Instead of asking what can be done to try and fix it, he acts all sweet and acts like nothing is wrong. There is something wrong with HIM.
Have someone with you. Even if that someone is in another room. It may not be safe for you to have this guy stay until the end of the month. He and his little disaster can stay in a motel, hotel, or AirBnB.
To add to this, not wishing
To add to this, not wishing to be alarmist, but make sure you have the cops on speed dial and at the slightest sign of possible violence CALL THEM!
Shoot guys now I'm worried. I
Shoot guys now I'm worried. I don't think he would react violently. But I will absolutely have my phone in hand. His son is here and his son is his whole world and I don't think he would do anything to risk losing him. But who knows. Thank you for the heads up. I will see about maybe having someone here?
Having someone
Having someone with you when you inform him that he has to go may not be sufficient. Statistically the most dangerous time for a woman is the period when the relationship has ended and immediately after the actual split. Depending on how much time you give him to leave, that may be a decent span of time. You said in a previous post that you are planning a trip over the holiday and the plan is for him to leave during the time that you are gone. If you can not get him to leave immediately, I strongly suggest that you either have someone stay in the house with you or find somewhere else to stay until that trip and if he is still there when you return. I would also start eviction proceedings according to the laws of your state right now just in case since they can often take a surprising amount of time. You can always terminate them if he leaves peacefully but you will be kicking yourself if you wait to get back from your trip and have to do it then.
You don't know this man and he deliberately set you up for his exclusive benefit. He is going to be seriously angry at losing his carefully crafted perfect situation of a free place to live and free childcare after only 4 months. Whether that anger is expressed only verbally or extends to physical violence, either immediately or once the reality has had a chance to sink in, is an unknown. But closing your eyes and sleeping, or allowing your children to close their eyes and sleep, with you alone in the house is not something I would be comfortable doing once he has been told that his time is up.
And once he is out, never take his calls again no matter what message he leaves. Until he finds a replacement he will still be trying to get back.
Our plan is to go see my mom
Our plan is to go see my mom out of state after Christmas, the deadline I was going to give him would be before that trip so we could have all his things out and the locks changed before our trip. There no way I would leave him here alone in our house. Now I'm starting to worry about this whole plan.
There no way I would leave
There no way I would leave him here alone in our house.
That sounds like you cannot give him a future move-out date. Unless you plan to be in the house 24/7 until he leaves.
Honey, he's playing nice and sucking up because he senses your doubts and is trying to get you back on board with staying together. He does NOT want to lose his free ride and babysitter. Desperate people are unpredictable. Plan for ugly. Be thankful if it goes smoothly.
If he leaves
If he leaves voluntarily then you are in the clear but if you have to evict him then it could take some time depending on the laws of your state. I would do some research prior to the conversation so that you know what rights he has established based on his 4 months of living with you. Is he a guest or a resident and what do you have to do to legally get him out if he will not go voluntarily? Is an action filed by you or the landlord more effective? Perhaps a call to a local domestic violence group or attorney would be helpful. But don't let your worry stop you from doing what you have to do. Just find out the answers. Forewarned is forearmed. You are not the first and will not be the last to deal with this issue.
So I told him we needed to
So I told him we needed to talk later today. He started calling me nonstop from work. Insisting I tell him NOW. I finally told him. He got angry. He texted me the most ridiculous, insane guilting, gaslighting crap for a while. I just stayed simple and firm with him. Then he came home from work early. And proceeded to try to make me feel guilty to my face. He's been calling me selfish all day. Among other things. He started getting really angry at me too and ended up telling at .e in front of my younger son and scared him. I left and picked up our other sons from school. I told him to leave NOW and he ignored me. He completely switched and did a 180 when his son got home from school and is pretending to be calm and civil. He's such a narcissist. Won't let anyone else see him trying to manipulate me or being a jerk.
I have a friend on the way over now for support. I don't know what to do.
If he threatens you at all do
If he threatens you at all do not hesitate to call the police. If he refuses to leave then I would call the police. I might also call the property owner to see if they can help you. And I would consider having your kids stay with someone else until he is out of the house. Make sure to remove your ex's name from any school forms if he was down as an adult able to do pick ups for your kids.
If your friend can stay with you in the house until he moves out so that you are not alone then that would be best, just to be safe.
I haven't commented because
I haven't commented because you've already got our best and wisest supporting you. Just wanted to suggest that you contact your FIL immediately and fill him in. Perhaps he can start immediate eviction proceedings? And I hate to even go there, but if your now-ex should happen to lay hands on you, you'll be able to get him out of the house due to domestic violence. Do not hesitate to call the police should things escalate.
EDIT: I had to search for a bit to find it, but read the posts from a member named icanteven. She was the wife/breadwinner of a narcissistic man with a son, and her posts reveal what life can be like once the narc tick realizes he's losing his host/victim. Please be very careful, and assume the worst could happen.
I think you're completely awesome for facing facts, owning your mistake, and putting your boys first.
I just caught up with
I just caught up with icanteven's blogs. Holy cow that was inspiring and encouraging. The last one about how well things are going now... Made me smile.
I am so freaking proud of myself for making this happen today. I was scared to do it. Didn't have the guts to do it last time I was in an abusive relationship. (He died. I got a free pass for that one. Not to sound horrible. I was heartbroken but grateful to be free of his abuse) this guy pulled out every page from the guilt/narcissist/gas lighting book. I mean he laid it on thick, so thick that I was crushed I had fallen for such a wanna be control freak. He really thought he had power over me and could use his twisted words to change my mind. He is absolutely devastated that his easy life has come to an end. I understand him being upset. He has every right to be. He has zero right to tell me to my face that I cannot make the decision to leave this relationship. Amongst the millions of other absolutely ridiculous things he told me today. It could have been a lot worse too but I didn't say much, just kept repeating that I was done and my decision had been made. He wanted me to argue and give him fuel for his narcissist fire but if I lose my calm, then I lose, with this type of person.
He's calm now. Making phone calls to make arrangements for him and his son. I'm taking his son to school tomorrow, picking him up and then his grandma is coming to get him. The ex (that feels weird/good to say) will be at work early and all day and then at an event tomorrow night. Hoping he finds someone to pity him and just stays gone tomorrow night. He should have a girl lined up, from the messages I saw on his work computer last weekend.
Doing the right thing is hard but feels good
Very soon we will be free of this mess and get back to our life, just me and my boys. I dodged a bullet here.
Messages on his computer, huh
Messages on his computer, huh?
I'm glad that he is finally realizing that you mean business and is making plans for his exit. He should have money saved, considering that he's been sponging off of you. I'm also glad that it didn't get too ugly.
Telling you that you can't make the decision to leave this relationship? What world does he live in?
I'm not sure what world he is
I'm not sure what world he is in but he showed me today that he's on another planet for sure. He has every right to be be hurt and upset. He has no right to tell me what I can and cannot do. Or that I am "@#$&ing selfish"for abandoning the family.
So very happy
So very happy to read your update and that the trigger has been pulled. Good for you!!!!! Please stay safe and keep us posted, OK?
I will absolutely update you
I will absolutely update you all. I'm so excited to have my peaceful simple life back with my sons.
Operation Move Ex Boyfriend Out
Here's the plan. I've been stressing about how to do this.
His son just left for Grandma's. I took care of him all day while dad was at work and at an event he had tonight. He's still there. I have no idea if he will come back here tonight since his son isn't home. Pretty sure he will.
I'm going to bed, and in the morning I will inform him that he has to be out by Sunday afternoon. I will change the locks then. (I've done it before)
I will probably have to get the help of the homeowner, he is my FIL (my fiance passed away a couple years ago. His dad loves us and looks out for us.) Because this man became engaged yesterday and scared my youngest son when the topic of a moveout deadline came up. If I don't get him out this weekend I will be expected to provide transportation and childcare for his little brat this whole next school week. And I have a neglected business and my own two sons to tend to. I have barely started their Christmas shopping yet because of this mess. My work is piling up.
This freeloader will continue to stay here, unwanted, using our limited grocery budget to feed his son and himself. They have paid nothing towards this months bills. Not to mention not a penny of rent in the almost four months he's been here. I have to remove him this weekend. It will be hard and ugly. He thinks he's staying for a while but he's on his way out tomorrow. I'll get the FIL to help. Police if needed.
Tonight he isn't home as of right now and I have the house to myself with my sons. I am celebrating by packing his stuff and moving it out of my room. Wish me luck tomorrow. I will be yelled at.
Good luck, I hope he just
Good luck, I hope he just leaves this weekend and gets out of your hair. Again, if he is threatening in any way, that is reason for a police escort. Not to mention, he is not listed on the lease as a tenant, nor has he paid any rent to the landlord.
You are in no way responsible to care for his son, take him to school, or feed the two of them. That is for the loser to figure out for himself.
That would be amazing but I
That would be amazing but I doubt he will just leave without a fuss. He will milk this as long as he can, he thinks he has power over me and that I owe him the world. How dare I put him and his child out on the street?!?! Well the child brat is at Grandma's this weekend being loved, spoiled and well provided for, so it looks like I'm only putting a grown man on the street. A grown man who makes more than I do, has a great job and acar. Boohoo. He just got paid and has a little in savings. He will be ok. Time to get off the free ride express, full grown man. (He's seriously 40 years old. I am 33. It's embarrassing that he is pretending he cannot provide for himself)
You’re Amazing!
What a wonderful, strong, insightful woman you are! I'm sure there are Many others here with me in spirit, sending you strength and support. Please check in to let us know how you're doing!
keep doing exactly what you've been doing!
It helped to wake up to this
It helped to wake up to this comment this morning, because I woke up not feeling so strong. I have to pull it together, because he's going to throw every guilting and manipulation trick he can in my face. I have to be cold and emotionless with him and that's normally not me. I will just listen and nod my head and repeat my line "I'm sorry this is hard. I stand by my decision. I have the right to end this. GET OUT".
"I have the right to end this
"I have the right to end this. "
I would drop this sentence because it gives him an opening to harangue you about it.
True. He already has harassed
True. He already has harassed me about that sentence enough. I'll let that part go. Good thinking.
It will help (to stay cold
It will help (to stay cold and emotionless) to just keep reminding yourself that this guy is not normal and it's not healthy for you or your kids for him to be in your life.
The longer he stays, the more he will try to manipulate you. The kid is at Grandma's, make it clear that he is not to bring the kid back, since he IS leaving and that is NOT his home.
His going on and on about how
His going on and on about how you cannot end this relationship is ridiculous and very weird. It reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George tries to break up with his girlfriend and she refuses to agree to it.
George lays out all of the reasons that they should be officially broken up. Maura still doesn't agree "to turn the key":
Maura: I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like... launching missiles from a submarine. Both of us have to turn our keys.
George: Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.
Maura: (assertive) I'm sorry, George, I can't do that.
George: Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!
Definitely a screw loose, somewhere.
That's exactly what's
That's exactly what's happening here. So weird. If I told you what he does for a living you would be even more befuddled. Trying to keep that part private. But something tells me he has sweet talked and manipulated his way to his career too. He definitely should not be doing what he does for a living.
Too late, you already told us
Too late, you already told us what he does (see above - it may not be too late to delete it).
Whoops. Oh well. It's ok I
Whoops. Oh well. It's ok I guess I haven't used any names or anything. Not a fan of the guy but I won't do anything to hurt his job and ability to provide for his son.
Every time I haven't felt
Every time I haven't felt strong enough to deal with this I have come here to read and write comments. Somehow writing out responses to you all has helped remind and encourage me that I'm doing the right thing. Talking about the details of this full grown man with a good job and car who is acting like he cannot provide for himself and his son, slaps me in the face and wakes me up when I start to doubt myself. What a .... I'll save those words for a different forum.
Long story short: there's a 40 year old man in my house with a good job who makes slightly better money than I do, has a little in savings, just got paid, has a car, and supposed family and friends... And he says he has nowhere to go and can't provide for himself.
I'm a single mom who works entirely for herself. I sell my art online. I'm a bad@$$ for making this work after my fiance died. He is a leech for letting me feed and care for him and his son. I've been feeding a family of 5 on my tight grocery budget meant for 3. I've been dealing with a 7 year old who I have zero control over. I have been hit and kicked by the 7 year old. Screamed at by him. Watched him destroy my house in his raging fits he throws. He is my responsibility five days a week. Yet I can't give him consequences and sure as heck will lay a finger on a child who isn't mine, so therefore kiddo runs the show.
No, he USED to run the show. He no longer does as he no longer will live here.
Thanks for coming to my self-pep talk. The ex is sleeping in his son's room right now. About to give him his eviction notice. I'll even help pack his stuff. I'm such a kind and helpful person.
Can't remember if it was
Can't remember if it was mentioned previously, but where did he and his son live before they encroached on your home?
Haha! Well, you are a kind and helpful person, which is why he honed in on you. And, if the relationship started how I think it did, well, he is quite the asshole and manipulator, predator, even.
Totally off topic, but what kind of art do you do?
They had a small apartment.
They had a small apartment. He's trying to get another one but is telling me he needs 2-4 weeks to do so. Ok. Fine. I'm not doing 2-4 more weeks of this. He's giving me the waterworks now, apologizing for yelling and scaring me and my sons now. Lord. He's gone by tomorrow.
Seriously. How is it this
Seriously. How is it this grown @ss man has such a hard time supporting himself and his son? YOU are a single mom of more than one child and can do it.
The freaking waterworks are more attempts at manipulation.
Absolutely. It's craziness. I
Absolutely. It's craziness. I've been homeless with my older son before. We're still here. Fixed our situation.
I'm helping him pack his stuff.
His stuff is 90% packed. He's
His stuff is 90% packed. He's leaving TODAY. He has a friend's house to stay at tonight. His son is safe and sound and spoiled at Grandma's house. I asked why Grandma and others cant help more with his son during the week. His response "They have jobs." SO DO I MISTER. I have a job too, that has been seriously neglected since they've been here.
I feel zero guilt. I am not selfish. I am standing up for myself and for my children and it feels amazing. I did this. This is the first time in my life I have stood up for myself like this and it feels great.
Mission Accomplished
They are officially moved out of our house. Gone. He tried to guilt me on his way out the door, "I don't know how I'm going to get his Christmas gifts....." I feel zero guilt, regret, and absolutely do not feel selfish. I'm not even sad to see him go. I'm mostly just angry that he tried to take such huge advantage of me, and so very thankful that I caught it and had the guts to do something about it. And I stayed strong and calm through his desperate attempts to manipulate and use me. It's unbelievable. I learned a lot from my mistakes here too and will continue to see my therapist I've been seeing and work on myself, and find out why I keep allowing this type of man in my life. I know for sure if I had slowed things down this wouldn't have happened. He had a huge position of trust in my life so I thought he was "perfect" and not like all the rest. Sigh.
You did great! I'm so glad
You did great! I'm so glad that he's out today, that is a big load off.
You shouldn't feel any guilt, you did not do this, HE did. He is a lousy partner/person. His Christmas is not your problem.
So, I guess it is YOUR decision, and yours alone, to end the relationship! Haha!
It sure is. I cannot believe
It sure is. I cannot believe he told me I cannot make the decision to leave the relationship by myself. What a piece of work.
That line has probably worked
That line has probably worked for him before, to confuse women less confident than you. He is a MANIPULATOR, pure and simple. A predator, he preys on people whom he perceives to be weak and vulnerable. He picked the wrong woman, in you, as you were strong enough to show him the door.
Good for you
For getting him out. He is a Mooch and a leech and it was clear from the very first month he didnt pay you rent, let alone 4. Be firm. You owe him nothing and no school runs for his kid. Him pretending as if you hadnt broken it off and told him to get iut is like some cognitive dissonance. Was he your therapist? Where was he living before he moved in with you? The same way he speaks of his ex, he will do to you. Guaranteed. His son, and all his issues, are the things that split families up. I know this well because my sd has a host of behavioral problems and autism and it is what caused me to lesve. Kicking, yelling, screaming, tantrums, unable to regulate her emotions. Every single facet of our lives revolves around her behavior. I was so stressed out living in a home with her that it made me miserable and I never wanted to come home from work when she esd there which is half the time . I cannot properly describe what living with this kind of behavior does to a home, to a family. It destroys. Everything. His son will not improve without care and if the parents ignore the diagnosis and think kid is normal, it does a disservice to all. I have found that a lot of special needs parents dont think their kids issues are as bad as they are, that they think their kid is normal and will get better. It is very disturbing for blended families. I lasted way too long in this dynamic, not sleeping due to sd waking all hours of the night banging and kicking, riding in separate cars because of her tantrums, being hit by her, watching her kick her dad down a flight of stairs. It never improves. They just get bigger with size and unmanageable. You are right to get this man out of your house and his son. Protect yourself and your boys. I will never live with a man again . like you, the emotional cost of being with some of this narcissistic aholes and their kids is way too high. I've always done well alone and plan to focus all efforts on my kid.
It was living hell. And I
It was living hell. And I understand his son had the disorders but I truly believe most of it is due to his dad's incredible lack of parenting. This child knew what he could get away with and how to do it. He kept us up several nights, he could cry and scream for a VERY long time. He would be screaming and crying for no other reason than he decided he didn't want to go to bed. Kept the WHOLE house up. My sons and I would be tired the next day. When I finally suggested he lose a game turn for that behavior at bedtime, his dad looked at me and said "no one else is losing their Xbox turn tomorrow, that's not fair at all". I was done. He had zero interest in continuing the relationship in seperate homes, he only wanted me for the free home, food and childcare I was providing for them. It's sickening. I still can't believe the things he said to me when I stood up to him. And I didn't even call him out in everything that I've described here, ALL I told him was I couldn't handle living with his son. I don't need a man. I really don't. I prefer it with just my two boys and I. I'm sick of cleaning up and providing for full grown men, I've done it for way longer than I should have in my life. I am done making those mistakes. I promised my son's that this house is OUR happy, safe place and no one will ever move in here again. I've never been more happy and content in my life. Good riddance.
Glad you cut that man and his
Glad you cut that man and his son out of your life. Now you and your sons can live and create wonderful & happy memories. Your X and his son will be fine. He will figure it out and perhaps even look for a new victim to put his kid on. Just be grateful you and your kids didn't spend more precious years in this toxic mess. Your sons would have grown to resent you.
Wishing you well OP!
Thank you. I see my mistakes
Thank you. I see my mistakes I made in this situation and am learning from them. I am also proud of myself for catching this quickly and not letting it drag out for years.
My SO too coddles his kid
And kid can do no wrong in his eyes. It pisses me off greatly. The coddling is what makes sd behaviot all that much worse.
Absolutely. I understand the
Absolutely. I understand the kiddo has disorders but I believe 75% of his problem is the lack of parenting from dad. After seeing them in action for a few months that became very clear. It was weird, his dad would beg his son to cooperate and do things, and let him get away with refusing/being defiant/throwing fits/all of it. When son had an incident at school his dad would focus on "well he was good for the other part of the day so it's not that bad". Dad was either letting his son walk all over him or occasionally he would lose his temper and blow up at the kid. That would always freak me out, hearing him get so angry and swearing at his son. I couldn't handle it. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
How is it going, Cpaynotta?
How is it going, Cpaynotta? Good, I hope!
Hereiam, you had asked a
Hereiam, you had asked a while back what kind of art I did and I never answered that! I do hand lettered and hand drawn art, usually in digital formats, I use my iPad pro and apple pencil to draw and hand letter. I sell it in digital format for people to use for their projects and products. I can share my links in a private message if you want to see some of my work. I absolutely love what I do.
Hi! Thanks for checking in!
Hi! Thanks for checking in! Everything is going very well. I had a wonderful Christmas with my two little boys. Not much word at all from the ex which is such a relief. Although GET THIS. He did text a few days ago to let me know that they got an apartment. Literally right down the street around the corner from my house. Great. He said "if you need anything let me know, I'll be nearby".
Um. No thanks I'm good. We'll see how it goes. I suspect he will find a new girlfriend to latch onto. I don't think he will be too much of a bother but I'm keeping my eyes open.
Life is really good. I'm so at peace, happy, and am eagerly getting back to my business, planning an amazing New Year and very much looking forward to it. I can't describe how free and strong I feel. I wish I had learned to stand up to the jerks in my life much sooner than this but I'm grateful I finally did.
Thank you. I totally get that
Thank you. I totally get that. I would have happily slept in a pile of blankets on the floor too. The freedom and sense of relief is amazing. Usually after a breakup I would feel sad and depressed but not this time, I almost felt guilty about how happy I've been. Haha. I dodged a bullet with this one. He was texting me a bit at first but he's left me alone for a good amount of time now, I'm fairly certain he was already lining other options up while we were still together judging by messages I found on his work computer. I'm mostly angry that he didn't care about me as much as he claimed and was pretending to. He liked my house and how I took care of him and his son more than he cared about me. Free food and rent and childcare. It disgusts me.
I'm excited for a new year with lots of new opportunities and possibilities. I'll keep you all updated for sure! You all are the best, I appreciate all of the support so so much.
End it
It wont get better. As someone who stayed 3 years longer than I should have, I advise you to listen to your fut and everything telling you this isnt the right living situation for you. It may not be the right relationship since that kid is his fathers major baggage. You can find my posts but I only recently moved away from my SO b4csuse of his severely autistic kid. Temper tantrums. Screaming, hitting , throwing, aggression, difficult and challenging behavior all day long that outshone everything we did, that became the #1 priority everywhere we went. Unable to br in public for long, our lives revolved around this kids behavior SO, like yours In complete denial as to how bad things are. I think he wants a nanny for her which isnt me. I set myself on fire trying to keep them warm for far too long and recommend you dont do the same. I didnt have the patience and like you, the mere sound of the kids voice irked Mr. Ehat happened is that eith time, I ended up becoming resentful both of the situation , my SO and the kid. I am so much happier now that I've left. It was such a chaotic and stressful kiving situation. I never should have moved in. The kids own mom cant deal with kid and routinely freaks out handing kid off to SO. No one can deal with the kid. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was for years and it is simply not a sustainable situation. I kept thinking of the future as I saw kid growing bigger and more aggressive daily and decided I dont want to live the rest of my life like this. And his comment about it not being your kid... um duh . But his kid ismt your responsibility. At all. I'm sorry because it sounds like you like him but love ismt enough. Your children deserve to grow up in a home free of the chaos and problems of your stepchild. you will be miserable if they stay You already are.