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Step Grandparents decision. What's your opinion.

Lunny79's picture

Hi all

New here just seeking some advice. I have a ss he has been with us since he was 3 he's now 17 and 2 kids of my own with his mother. Christmas has come and I've landed on some slippery road with my parents. His step grandparents. 

My parents have decided not to give him birthday or Christmas presents anymore. Its his birthday in a few days and we found out today. .

My parents said that they are not giving gifts because they are not giving their niece presents and they want to keep it fair on their end as she is also 17. They have given presents since he was 3 and never been "horrible" toward him.

My other half his biological mother said it not right and that he should have got something. But, I can't help but sit on the fence with this. Maybe a gift would have been nice but on the other hand should it be expected ? Nor can I force them to gift. 

He isn't going to be here with us for his birthday or Christmas most years he spends that at his dads and we use that slot to take my 2 boys to my mothers. 

My arguement was that no one evens up the gifts for my 2 boys 6 and 11 he gets 2 sets of grand parents and my parents and from us and his dads side. The 2 younger just get from us and grandparents. Obviously that didn't go down well I did say it annoys me but we have never tried to compete and I don't want to. 

I don't know ..

She said he's supposed to be family which he is but does that mean that step grandparents have to commit to this given he's 17

Help.

shellpell's picture

Just say that in your family kids stop getting gifts at 17. Your MIL is meddling in something that's not her business. It was very kind of your parents to even get SS anything!

TwoOfUs's picture

Presents from step or bio grandparents should never be expected. That's just rude. Imagine you get to be 70+, you're on a fixed income...and you're buying for every kid, grandkid, great grandkid, niece, nephew, great niece and great nephew...and step grandkids too. Where does it end?

Mayabe I say this bc I'm from a very large family...but I think it's an unreasonable expectation. In my family on both sides my bio grandparents quit doing birthday and Christmas gifts when we graduated high school. For me, that was 17. 

They did presents for my graduations after that...for my wedding. I'm sure if I'd had kids there would have been baby presents. But annual gifting stopped when I aged out! 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Neither my maternal or paternal grandparents had much money. We received $10 when graduated HS. A wedding gift was something handed down through the family: cufflinks, a brooch, a ring, a bible... 

 A gift should be something given voluntarily with NO expectation of reciprocation. 

This is the decision of your parents. Leave it alone.

Peach's picture

I am torn.  Do they plan to stop giving to your "birth kids" when they turn age 17?  Have they had a good relationship with your SS?  If he has been around since the age of 3, I would consider him more of a grandchild and not on the same level as a niece, but that is me. You cannot force someone to give gifts or acknowledge him.  If the relationship has been superficial, then whatever.  It is sad, and I understand why your spouse feels the way she does.  I would feel horrible too.  

tog redux's picture

Sounds like this is a general rule if they are doing the same for your their - why should your SS be treated differently from her when he's not even their actual grandchild?

Just because he's been around since 3 doesn't make him their grandchild, and he's owed nothing, honestly, especially if he's not even going to be with you on Christmas. My parents were kind enough to get something for my SS on Christmas if he was with us, but not if he wasn't.

Nobody is entitled to gifts. Does he get anything for them? Now would be the time to start.

Rags's picture

The choices your parents have made are theirs to make.  Your DW trying to leverage gifts from your parents for your 17yo SS is pathetically juvenile on her part. IMHO.

My parents make a big deal of Christmas and birthdays... when family members are with them. They do gifts when we are all separate but not to the same extent.

My SS-28 included.

How they address holidays and birthdays are their choice.  No one takes exception to that.