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Managing the bio and step grandkids

CanadianNonna's picture

Hi, I’m new and this is my first post. I’m looking for feedback on managing visits and time with bio and step grandkids. Ive been married 5 years and my SS and SD are 33 and 34 so I met them just as they were finishing high school. We have a decent relationship with BM and her hubby. I have a decent but distant relationship with my Skids. I have a son age 34 and we are very close. His Dad died when he was 14 and as his Dad was ill a long time I have always been the main parent. I am very strong, have good boundaries and my son is very independent. My DH is a bit wish washy and tends to get pushed around by the SD but compared to what i read here it’s actually pretty good! That is until all 3 of them had their first  babies this year. My son’s wife almost died in childbirth - I mean the doctor came out and told me it was likely and we should be prepared. I spent 3 weeks with them helping to care for newborn while Mom recovered. DH was there are the hospital and very helpful - he is a good guy and i do love him. My DIL’s parents are useless which is why i was there not them. As a result I am very close to my DIL and my bio grand. My steps all have large families on both their Moms side and on their partners side so I am not really needed. However I am getting all kinds of pressure to treat the S-grands as my own. Since I am not close to my steps why would i be close to their kids? They all live far away - Ive told my husband there are not enough hours in the day for me to spend equal time with the grands as my bio grand and as the situation isn’t equal in terms of family support - that makes sense. When the step grands are here I treat them like my own, give them gifts equally at Xmas this year and have made them beautiful knitted outfits etc. I have told my husband I’m not changing a thing in terms of my relationship. I don’t have time to travel to spend time with all the kids nor the interest. I am very active and involved in my community and the outdoors - I worked my ass off selling software to support my son and I am enjoying my retirement before i get too old. I would prefer not to have them all here at once as well as its too much for me. My son and DIL pitche in and help but the steps have to be told to.....but they do respond so thats good. Xmas is the worst - i just had the worst holiday ever. We spent 2 weeks driving all over the place trying to see “the kids” and now after that SD, husband and 6 week old are coming to visit for a week. My plan is to go skiing in the mornings so i can get some peace. I am not a Xmas person - I went away very year with my son before I married. My steps - esp SD - want to recreate their childhood Xmas every year. Ive told my husband I’m not doing that again. I’m going away next year and my BS, DIL and baby are coming. I will present the package of what the steps they can rent - their own condo in Maui at their expense. Probably they wont come but my son will. My DH is not happy but Ive had it. Ive gone along with their XMS BS for 15 years and I’m not doing it again. In 2020 Ie said its here at our place and we can use a friends place for the couple having the 2nd baby in 2019. So friends - am I being unreasonable? How do I handle the Xmas nightmare going forward. the idea I should be spending time with my steps i never have before shut because they now have kids! All this family stuff is suffocating me! 

SteppedOut's picture

So, prior to marrying your husband, you used to vacation during Christmas. It sounds like you have given that up and did Christmas your husband's way for all these years - for one reason or another.

You gave up what you enjoyed. When will it be his turn to "compromise"? Or does he tthink you should be the only one to do that? If so, why? For his kids? What about your's that was probably content to vacation during Christmas and likely missed it when it stopped. 

It's HIS turn to compromise! If he doesn't want to? FINE. Let him relive Christmas past with his kids while you enjoy Hawaii with yours.

Rags's picture

Balance is important.  Not equality, but certainly balance.   We are far closer to my family/parents than we are to my IL clan.  My wife agrees though she does struggle with the disparity in the time we spend with my family Vs hers as well as the disparity in standard of living between my family and her hers. This has primarily been due to where we have lived over the years. My bride left her home town for university when she was a single teen mom. We met there and have never lived closer than 1200 miles to her family while we have lived very near to my family periodically over the years. Opportunity has been the primary driver in this.

That said, we make it a point to do a holiday with her family every few years.  Sadly, we lost my FIL this past June so my wife is highly sensitized to re-energizing the frequency of visits with her family.  I am fine with that.  Though we have little in common with my ILs other than the fact that my bride is part of her family, we do generally enjoy spending time with them. At least over the past 8 or so years since their internal family  drama has calmed some.

So, I get that your DH wants to spend time with his children/GKs during Christmas, I get that they are a larger family than the one you have with your DS, SIL and GK, and I get that you prefer limiting the full meal blended family deal Christmas.  I do too.

Other than that we are married and have provided the eldest GK to both sides (Former SS-26 who I adopted),  my family has nothing in common with my IL clan.  They get along fine on the rare occassions that we have all been together but there is an underlying tension around our side doing what we want when we want without much worry about the cost while their side is comperatively limited in their ability to join us.  This has been an issue between my wife & I and her family since we first married even when my family isn't in the mix.

So, balance.  We make an effort to maintain some balance that respects the situations in play with my family and with hers though we do not deprive ourselves of enjoying the time we have with both sides of our extended family.

disrestep's picture

Nope, you are not being unreasonable and it can be totally suffocating to have to travel all over the place, rush, rush, rush for the sake of the gskids and never get to truly enjoy your holiday.

maybe switch off every other year for Christmas, one year you and DH spend with DH's family, the next you and DH spend with yours. 

Do what makes you comfortable, not what the gskids want. I hope you were asked ahead of time if SD and brood could stay at your home. If my DH sprang that on me, they would then be asked to book a hotel room nearby so fast their heads would spin. No surprise skid or gskid extended visits here...that is in part due to the fact they are not polite to me or DH. Plus, after the craziness of the holidays, stress free time is so vital.

it seems when adult skids have gskids, we are then suppose to drop all our traditions and cater to the gskids like our lives, hobbies, traditions, work, other family members, sanity, health and happiness don't matter. No way, not on my watch. 

You are correct in the skids wanting to recreate their childhood Christmas. Yes, traditions are important to keep, but don't force others to want to partake in the traditions skids and gskids want. Many of us in our second marriages want to relax and enjoy our holiday. I don't believe Xmas is just for kids. Adults need to enjoy it also. If they cannot it affects the children who pick up on the stress. 

Good luck to you next year.