How can I stop feeling this way :(
Background - DH and I have been together for 16 years, married 13 and 3 children together. DH had been separated for 18 months when we met and he has 2 daughters from that marriage.
I completely detached from DHs adult daughters about 4 years ago due to being snubbed and lied about. My husband refused to defend me or speak to her about the incident even though he'd seen it with his own eyes.
He has since seen them alone, occasionally and has attended their special events alone. I felt it was the only way but it has put a strain on our marriage.
My anxiety is out of control atm and I don't know how to deal with it. I haven't seen them in years and then all of a sudden we've had a couple of family events and even worse, we've bumped into ESD (the troublesome one) on a couple of occasions. She will throw her arms around my husband, all OTT but won't even look at me or our 3 children.
She's also announced that she's pregnant and it'll be DHs 1st Grandchild. She's been love bombing him and I'm not sure if it's because she wants to get money out of him or whether she wants to make sure he's going to be a doting grandad. The whole thing is affecting me, and our marriage, terribly.
I eventually spoke to DH about how anxious I am about it all and he admitted that he knows she's in the wrong and said he's going to finally speak to her and 'get it all out there' tell her it's not okay how she's treated me and our children and that things can't carry on like this. He said that he's also riddled with depression and anxiety about the whole situation and he can't do it anymore.
He then said that she'll need him more over the coming months to help with the baby and that has filled me with total dread. When I asked him why, he seemed shocked that I would even question him helping him leaving us to help his daughter with her baby.
I'm really angry because he's always worked 6 days a week and has little time for me and our 3 children as it is. Vast majority of the parenting has always been left to me with no help from anyone! On his 1 day off he's busy fixing things around the house etc and I've understood that's how things are in our family, he works so hard that he doesn't have the time or energy to take our kids out for a bike ride, our son out to play football etc. Now it feels like he's saying that he'll find that time for her and her offspring. He'll take away from our children and give to her.
I'm not proud of myself but every time he see her, I get upset for days and I push him away. He says it feels like I want to punish him for having a life before we met. The thought that he will leave us to be with them more and more is literally making me want to run for the hills. I know I can't cope with it and it's going to destroy our marriage but the thought of putting our 3 children through a separation and divorce, feels unthinkable.
He just wants to have a relationship with his daughters and grandchild. Is there anyway I can stop this from hurting me so much because it's sending my mental health is in tatters.
CONTROL..CONTROL..CONTROL
SD wants to control her father. DH doesn't understand you and his young kids with you [ minors] come first. He needs to see someone. To tell him about life. Doesn't SD have a SO ? To help her. Remember if she controls your DH she controls his money.
'He see it, but does nothing about it.
How much contact is reasonable
Yes, she does have a partner but neither are in a position to support a child financially. Husband did say he wants to give her some money and he earns way more than me so I don't want to say 'no' but I do want to make a point of showing him our credit card bill etc to make him realise that we need to look after ourselves financially first.
To be fair, he says we're the centre of his world and time wise. He's always put us before them. Maybe it's a me problem. Every bit of time he spends with them sends me into a black hole for days/longer...I'm so anxious than it's just going to happen more and more and that will be the end of our marriage.
At the end of the day, I have a kind, handsome, hardworking husband, 3 amazing kids, a beautiful home...but the mere fact that his 'other family' exists makes me so sad and resentful. Like he said, I want to punish him for the fact they exist and I don't know how to stop. I think if I'd have had a better relationship with them I'd feel different but because of the situation, he feels like a traitor to me everytime he's with them
This!
he feels like a traitor to me everytime he's with them
This resonates with me...I feel your pain, DaisyMaess. This is exactly how I felt when DH would spend time with OSD, who doesn't want her dad to have a woman in his life, pretends that I or our marriage do not exist, and has shown me a whole new definiton of dysfunctional abuse. He knew it but he didn't want to see it. His eyes are open now and he has gone no contact. Life is much more peaceful but there is still fallout to deal with occasionally. Just yesterday I learned of a new lie she told.... I am sorry you are going through this. I hope for resolution for you and your kiddos. Blessings to you, I care.
He is a traitor to you and your kids when he puts "them" first.
This is not a child. This is an adult who clearly flips on the power of over the top squeeling "look at meeeeeeee daddy!" bullshit when she gets the chance.
As for what is reasonable. That is not a pat answer. There is not chart of reasonableness on engaging with an adult child's family and kids. Frequency is also not an idicator of closeness. My family is exceptionally close. We always have been. We have lived half a planet away from each other for most of our existance as a family. Mom and dad made their lives and career overseas. When it was time for HS, my brother and I went to boarding school in a different hemisphere than where our home was. The "normal" family model ended for each of us when a kid hit 15 and left for school. Contact was a weekly phone call, snail mail letters, and trips home for the major school holidays (Winter and Summer breaks with a rare Spring break visit thrown in.)
For DW, SS, and me, the model pretty much replicated. SS left for boarding school just after his 16th birthday. He reported for Basic Training at 18 and has been an independent self supporting adult for almost 14 years. He, h is mom, and I, are extremely close. As he is with my family.
When your DH has a wife and young children, the older/kidult brood is not given regular or extensive time or resources We had no help with SS when he was a baby. My brother and my SIL did not get a ton of GP help with their three. So, DH's premise of having to help his breeding kidult failed family progeny is exceptionally flawed IMHO. This can be a flawed premise even in intact initial families that have very close relationships. GPs have their own lives, divorced parents have their own lives, kidults have theirs and IMHO have to facing living those lives without interfering in the lives of others.
Your DH's primary duty is to his wife and young children. Period. Dot.
All IMHO.
Take care of you, and your LOs. Make sure daddy has that clarity as well. That does not mean totally ignoring his adult daugther and her child. Though it does relegate them to a limited place in your lives.
Have you told your DH that
Have you told your DH that you are angry because he didn't have time to help you and your children.. now seems to want to ditch and run to take care of her and hers?
I would say that I'm not angry you want to be part of your grandchild's life.. I'm angry because you have been reluctant to be part of mine and our children!
I told him straight away
I said immediately 'but there's 3 children here that you don't spend enough time with' 'our son doesn't do any sports yet because no one has time to commit to taking him' Obviously, I''m sure he does want to spend time with his grandchild (and I wish I felt okay about that but I just don't) but I think he's also under pressure to 'step up' as Grandad because she's love bombing him and the partners family, apparently, have been so supportive and offering all sorts of help. He must feel like he needs to do his bit or he's a bad person. (Maybe) The thing is, I bet these supportive family members don't have a young family at home!
It's not a you problem, it's a husband problem.
Your husband is giving you mixed messages - he knows she is wrong and says he will call her out but then carries on regardless, even accusing you of punishing him! He needs to understand that every time he sees her and acts like nothing is wrong he is endorsing her behaviour, not only to his you, his wife, but also to his children. Of course you are sad and resentful, I'm sure if he commanded respect from her for your whole family then you would feel entirely different. But as it stands she behaves atrociously and gets rewarded.
You'll never feel any differently until he changes his attitude and actions and that can only come from him. In the meantime I think ESMOD is bang on the money - talk to him in terms of you and your children. Keep it about you and them.
Awful situation to be in, sending hugs
I think framing it in the
I think framing it in the vein of looking at her own situaion in their own home is key.
He wants to give his daughter money.. But, DH, we have X balance on our own credit cards. I don't have a huge problem with you buying her a gift for the baby, but we shouldn't be supporting anyone else's household until our own financial house is fully in order.. credit cards paid off each month.
I understand you will want to see your grandchild, but I'm concerned that we already have issues with us not having enough time to support our own kids... like with Son's sports activities that he can't do because we can't commit. Maybe I'm not understanding what level of involvement you are considering.. because it seems so open ended, I'm afraid our own children and our relationship will get overly short changed.
Can we talk about how much time you see your self committing? Can we talk about whether you will be offering us up as babysitters for your daughter.. and that kind of frequency.. and WHO will be doing that actual caring? Can we talk about a plan to pay off our own debt before you commit to support for your daughter?
Thank-you so much
For your understanding and advice. I feel like a monster atm so thank-you for validating that my feelings are normal. Please could I ask what ESMOD means?
Evil step mother of doom.
Evil step mother of doom.
it was a joke with my SD's..
Lol. Now I am an even bigger fan.
Classic.
Not Step related. My kid as a joke crowned me as GEMOTU when he was a kid. He still rolls that out upon occassion.
Grand Exalted Master of the Universe.
He loves giving me shit.
I love the dynamic you have built in your StepLife.
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm in a similar situation. My SO's daughter, who lives life as a couch surfer, is pregnant with his first grandchild and due in about 6 weeks. I, too, am filled with dread. We're not married and have no kids together, so it's not as bad as your situation, though.
What i'm doing is trying not to "borrow trouble" and worry with "what if." But i have set boundaries in my mind for the future. I'm NOT going to overfunction for him or make it easy for him as far as me providing child care for the baby. I'm not going to lend him money if he goes broke bailing her out. Again. I'm not going to combine households with someone who is hemorrhaging cash to a dysfunctional adult.
But i totally understand your fears. It doesn't sound like your DH is all that involved of a father to your kids, and i'm going to guess he wasn't all that involved with his older kids, either. A good father is a good father, and nothing will stop him from being one. A "meh" father is also just that and he won't suddenly become the father you always wanted him to be for her. Not forever, anyway. What are the odds that he goes "all in" for a short time with SD and the baby, then loses interest? Don't make it easy for him by picking up anymore slack at home than you ALREADY do. The problem may take care of itself as far as the time he spends with them. But protect your household finances as best you can.
My DH''s grandfather had a
My DH''s grandfather had a saying:
"don't trouble trouble.. till trouble troubles you".
So, perhaps OP doesn't need to wade in and "deal" with it all right now. She can deal with the things that are the more immediate pressing concern.. and on the other end of things.. she can set her own boundaries that she won't give on.
LIke.. if they do have CC debt.. maybe she pushes her DH to come up with a payment plan now.. not in any relation to what he spends on his daughter/grandchild.. but doesn't short change their own finances.. if they have debt.. it would be good to have a plan to pay it off in a reasonable time frame.
But, how much time he will spend with/on the grands?
She can resolve to not do any babysitting.. if her DH tries to offer that up.. she takes the other kids and goes out. or better yet.. leaves them with daddy and grandbaby so he is left caring for everyone!
She can limit how/when she has to interact with her SD.. it may mean that her DH has to see her outside the home. or give her notice that she will be over so OP can decide for herself whether she wants to deal or not.
I have a feeling if he was not, in fact, a super involved parent with his own little kids.. he will not have a lot of stamina for the grandbaby.
OP's role is to also advocate for their own bios.. and remind him of those obligations..
like he says.. Oh going to SD's on saturday.. and Op reminds him that his son has a soccer game that day.. or needed help with a school projects.. etc..
"LIke.. if they do have CC
"LIke.. if they do have CC debt.. maybe she pushes her DH to come up with a payment plan now.. not in any relation to what he spends on his daughter/grandchild.."
Agree. Address the problems that exist right now, regardless of what goes on with SD. Same with the time issue. He's neglecting things already, without any help from SD.