Disengaging is getting easier
I have 4 total adult SKids and some sgrandkids. In the past I would remind DH of birthdays and anniversaries. For one SK - I have pretty much stopped initiating any form communication. I only talk when I am spoken to, I am never rude but I do not initiate any communication whatsoever. So - I think DH may be in the hot seat with that one because I have not reminded DH of some birthdays and an anniversary because that one did not call DH on Father's Day. I followed the advice of others here on ST.
I am proud of myself right now because I have come a long way - in the past it would bother me and I would be asking questions as to whether or not DH remembered and called. I say nothing now. I don't ask if they have spoken, I do absolutely nothing.
I guess I wanted to share that I am proud of my progress. I realized it has not cost me anything because there was never a relationship with this SK to begin with. Only take, take, take and I am no longer giving. Period.
This is great and so proud of
This is great and so proud of you for claiming your power back. It's not your job to remind H of birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.....It's less stress for you and one less thing to have to deal with.
Live your best life Stepaside1987!
Also DH would never say "why
Also DH would never say "why didn't you remind me." He would take responsibility for forgetting.
Thank you! As I gain more
Thank you! As I gain more control of my inner thoughts and make progress I am definitely living my best life! It really does feel good! I remind myself that I can lay my head down at night knowing I tried and was rejected and it's okay!
Good for you! There is
Good for you! There is absolutely no reason why it should be your job to remind your DH of these things.
I also love that he does not
I also love that he does not expect me to. He takes the blame when he is reminded of his forgetfullness by them.
My MIL once made a comment
My MIL once made a comment about how her sons never send her birthday cards or mother's day cards, and she doesn't know why, because they are all married. As if it's my job to remind him to send his mother a card. Welp, MIL, maybe you should have been nicer to your kids when they were growing up. My DH took my mother out to dinner for Mother's Day, so he knows what day it was.
she doesn't know why, because
she doesn't know why, because they are all married.
Unreal how a grown woman could utter these words. Not putting the accountability on her sons but lets just place it on his wife since it's her responsibility to "remind" him of things that pertain to his own mother......unbelievable!
Sounds like my ex MIL
Sounds like my ex MIL
Good for you!!
Good for you!!
A few years back, I did the same thing and stopped reminding my DH of ANYTHING. I stopped writing things on the calendar, too. DH, to this day, does not remember skid birthdays on the actualy birthday. At best, he's only 2 days late in remembering. The skids finally realized who was the power behind DH's birthday phone calls. Oh, well.
Great job in setting yourself
Great job in setting yourself free of having to give to and try to appease adult skids and gskids who could care less about we do for them.
I find it was just a humongous waste of my time and money to remember adult skid and gskid birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, graduations, etc., and then drag DH out to pick out gifts, cards, whatever they wanted. They never appreciated it from DH, nevermind me. It was just the expectation that daddy/granddaddy would buy them all gifts for all their events. How did they think those gifts got there? The gift fairy got the gifts?
Now, we don't even acknowledge them on Xmas. They never appreciated one darn thing and when DH stopped spending his hard-earned money on them and the gskids, they barely talk to DH.
All the stress of (wondering what to get them all; if they will like it or return it; and the stress of being around them to give the gifts to them-all the while they disrespect you and your DH), is all gone.
No more skid and gskid stress = a happier life.
Couldn't agree more!
Yes, Stepaside, you should be proud! And keep on keepin' on the way you are.
Like many, I used to spend lots of time and energy trying to come up with meaningful gifts for SD. It was nothing but a huge waste of my time and money. I stopped doing anything for her other than once a year when I send her a "Happy Birthday!" text on her birthday. No card, no Christmas gifts, no nothing else from me. My SO still sends her sizable checks but that's his business and his money.
Last year, during Christmas holiday, I went to the local Angel Tree for senior citizens and picked out an elderly lady's name who asked for an outfit. I got great satisfaction buying something for a needy senior, and knowing she would probably be very appreciative. Can't tell you how much time and effort SO and I spent on getting SD gifts (clothes, expensive jewelry, etc.)which we never ever saw her wear. Not even on her wedding day.
I remember suggesting to my SO that he get her a nice set of pearls for her 16th birthday, which he did. I figured she might want to wear them on a special occasion and it would be meaningful because her father bought them for her -- maybe at prom, graduation, maybe even wedding. Nope. Never wore them. Same with a very nice diamond solitaire pendant he got her.
When she got married, she wore cheap flashy costume jewelry. Her choice, of course. But it just highlighted what a waste of time and money it was trying to give her anything meaningful. Because ultimately, none of what her dad and I did was meaningful to her.
So I counted myself out and am so glad I did! Now I will continue to give to those who sincerely want and need something, knowing it will be appreciated. Even if they never know who I am. I'd rather give to strangers than SD. Once her baby is born, I'll send her a modest gift from her registry but that's it. And the only reason I'll do that is primarily because it will be my SO's first grandchild, and I want to respect that aspect of it. Not because of SD giving birth.
I stopped also - I figure if
I stopped also - I figure if I can't even get the common courtesy of a Thank you then I don't need to make any effort. It is trickling down to this one's particular child also. Whatever, yes this time maybe she will see it was me behind the calls and if she doesn't Oh well. She called to let him know he forgot the birthdays :)
He NEVER blamed me - nor would he. Part of me wonders if deep down he didn't want to make the phone calls either.