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I don't wanna's picture

Ok, it's my first day here and im hoping to get some advice!
Little background, I've been in my SD(13) life for 9.5 years. The first few years were challenging but her an I were close. Then we had a surprise pregnancy and DS was born, he is almost 7. After that we moved 2.5hrs to be closer to SD. Those were the hardest years in my life, looking back I have no idea how I survived. My SD and I fought constantly, she was horrible to me and we found out her mom was horrible to her. When SD was 8 she came to live with is fulltime and her mom rarely came around.
We had some serious bumps in the road and SD, understandabley was a mess!! We got her tons of counselling got her into activities, found out she had ADHD and started working with Drs to help her with everything. One year her mom lived 5 minutes from us and sometimes she won't come see her for weeks, and we couldn't get a hold of her, her phone would be cut off and we would think "we're going to get a call that she's dead".
My relationship with SD slowly improved, I was her advocate and fought for her to get help, I started working part time to help with all the appointments. I went to all her activities, parent teacher interviews, bought her clothes, presents, threw her bday parties, her mom never did any of those things once!
My DH got an amazing job offer back in the city we originally moved from(we had a DD in there too) so 3.5 years ago we moved, SD included, 2.5 hours away from BM.
3 years of BM having her EOW and some holidays. BM doesn't work, lives on welfare, has no vehicle and just finally got a place where SD has her own room. BM would call once every couple months if that!
We found out she was still claiming SD and was getting hundreds of not 1000s in benefits and we have never seen a dime from BM ever!! So when we went to claim SD on our taxes it blew open a huge case against her and now she has to pay back 1000s of dollars and suddenly she is OBSESSED with SD! She calls her every single day, they face time for 30 minutes a day every day, they are always textingn and sending pictures (which her mom sends stupid and inapropriate things like her in skanky dresses saying like my outfit) and now it's like I don't exist!!! She WORSHIPS BM and our relationship is non existent! She wants to go live with her mom, and we rarely say two words to eachother anymore. She's become withdrawn and lazy, disrespectful and all of a sudden our house rules have fallen out of her head. She's mean to DS, I've completely withdrawn. We were at a point, in June she asked to call me mom and now bam, I don't exist!

Her mom tells her that we are mean and says horrible things about us(BM has always been batshit crazy and said awful crazy things) but this stings so bad, my heart was broken, completely broken!
My mistake was that I believed in my heart I was her mom and that she would always feel that way!
Anyway I honestly don't know what to do anymore, her mom can't take her because she's a mess so my SD is staying but it's such a volatile enviroment I dread being near her! Christmas I started making the kids mermaid tail blankets I showed her all of them on pinterest we picked out colours and she comes back from BMs and BM bought her one for Christmas! And BM says she shouldn't stay here on weekends when my DH works, she should be there with her mom!
How??? How does someone not be a mom for so many years and just swoop in and tear everything apart! It's gotten to ye point now that I don't even want to be alone with SD so I leave when she's around, she's a total stranger now and has become a mini version of her mom. Im devestated and do no know what to do, I wish she would just leave already she's emotionally gone anyways, except mom won't take her because she can't! And I am planning family stuff without her now because it honestly feels like she isn't a part of the famiky anymore. I feel guilty for having so much hatred in my heart and guilty for not handling it maturely and being selfish enough that my emotions are getting in the way, I just don't know how to act!

I don't wanna's picture

Thanks guys!! I have decided to no longer parent here eventhough im the one home all day as I run a home daycare. So I see the kids off to school and am here when they get home and I cook most of the meals and am just around!!
As for a CO no we don't have one, we've been to MANY lawyers over the years, and the one we saw last year basically said if we go to court we may lose the time we have and then be ordered to pay BM, and basically if we did get full custody, SD is at an age where she can "chose" where she wants to be so it would be wasting 10s of thousands of dollars so we opted out of that and my DH is so good at handling the situation.
Our other problem is DH's family, they are obsessed with SD 13 and have a very obvious favourtism that has caused huge familynissues because my husband sets up boundaries, and now them and BM sneak behind our backs to take SD on special outings and sleepovers! Plus, DH's famiky crotizize me as a Stepmom A LOT! We saw a mediator with them and now they aren't as blunt as before but it's pretty awkward and they argue with me when I say no she can't have that other piece of cake or no she can't stay up this late but if it was our other kids they wouldn't aegue with me at all, it's weird and fristratingn!
These have been the most challenging years of my life, and the sad thing, my DH and I have a great relationship and this is the only issue we argue about because he doesn't want her to leave and I don't want her in my home anymore, I would never ask him to chose one of us but somedays I want to just run!!!

HappilySelfish679's picture

" My mistake was that I believed in my heart I was her mom and that she would always feel that way! "

Wow. I feel so bad for you. You have invested a huge part of your life into her and now you realize that blood will always, always be stronger than water. No matter what you do, you are not her mother.

I have no advise for you other than to mark it off as a life lesson learned. Dont be un-kind, but totally step back, take care of your own child, leave all the parenting to DH and BM, you should no longer spend money or effort on a child that is not yours and turns against you at the first sign of life from BM. I can only hope as SD reaches adulthood , she will eventually realize what an important part you played in her upbringing when BM was unavailable for her own child. Until then, hang in there. You did a good thing, even when it seems right now it is not appreciated. It might be appreciated later on. Fingers crossed.

Rags's picture

"Sorry sweety. The court has ruled that it is not healthy for you to live with your mom and you have no choice but to live with your dad and your family." Share the facts of her fraudulent rip off of the tax payers and keep haring the facts of her mother's manipulative crap and the full meal deal information of the Custody/Visitation/Support order and case.

What this BM is doing is par for the course with the shallow and polluted end of an unfortunate Skid's gene pool . They have little interest until they are nailed for money, then miraculously they are all up in the kids life ... until they no longer are forced to pay. BM got nailed for her fraud and until she is no longer under the legal microscope she will be hyper involved.

My own SS's sperm clan is much like your SD's BM. They did not defraud the taxpayers or us out of money but they bared their toxic asses with their nearly continuous whining about how unfare it was that SS lived a priveledged life and they had to pay CS. This included the full court manipulative guilt press during SS's Sperm Land visitations when they would give him crap about how he had nice things and his three younger also out of wedlock sperm idiot spawned half sibs by two different baby mamas didn't.

Then they caped it off by not interfacing at all with SS once he aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support order. Not one call, email, card, nothing for years. Only when we had our vow renewal on our 20th anniversary in my DW's home town and the Sperm Clan found out about it did they even try to interface with SS and only then because he was going to be in our wedding and they knew he would be in town. To this day they have shit for nothing to do with SS unless they find out that he will be in their neck of the woods to visit my ILs. Then they start with the guilt trip about how he needs to see them. Of course they will happily interface with him if it is on someone elses dime. Their toxic crap includes hammering him for money to help support his sperm idiot spawned three younger half sibs any time they do see SS. He is well preparted to laugh in their faces and give them clarity regarding that issue.

Our son is prepared for their crap because we shared with him the facts, manipulations, and the details of the court records, arrest records, etc... for all of that POS gene pool.

Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Most importantly they are a power tool to help prepare your Skid to protect herself from her toxic BM.

If DH has not nailed BM for CS he needs to do it now. The more facts you can develop to bare BM's toxic ass the better. Burrying her and putting her in a default position for active CS will be just another fact. Use it.

IMHO of course.

Iambad@usernames's picture

Let her go. I'm in the same spot, but I haven't invested so much time. Bd is a dead beat loser, sd worships him. All I hear about is how her dad would do better, her dad is so awesome, her dad is so cool/smart/good looking/ect....

I want to say, "you're dad is a loser who can't hold a job, has no car, has to live in his parents camper, drinks too much, beats women, and abused you... I just feed, house, clothe you.... By all means, worship him. I won't post bail when your time comes.

I'm contemplating disengagement land.

I don't wanna's picture

Because BM is on welfare she won't have to pay is anything, and she's so crazy we try to avoid her like the plague.
As for my DH he's come a loooong way. We did lots of counselling around this and we have taken many parenting classes together. But he is the main bread winner and he actually now takes her and makes all her appointments and has for a few years. He does not allow her to act disrespectful but he's nlt around us 24/7, she gets home at 3:45 and he gets home at 5:15 and if she's done something disrespectful he will give her shit! But that's the thing and we've always struggled because of her ADHD, she doesn't follow instructions well and when she comes home from BMs with no routine, she is a mess!! And it's not horrible like swearing, lying and stealing but it's not the girl I used to know!
If I made it sound like a do more then i misslead you, but I am the mom whose always home and my role is different then his. We treat all the kids equally all kids have the same rules and if he's not home I enforce them. It's gotten to the point now where I have zero responsibility for her, he makes the decisions and calls the shots and if I have a problem we discuss it! It's not just me going to all these things alone he's with me.
I don't know how to disengage emotionally or St all really, I suck at it! It consumes me!!

LikeMinded's picture

Hello,

I can't take away your pain, but I'd like to share with you how I would reframe these things that happened to you, so that they didn't sting as much.

1. My SD was very lucky to have me when her mom dropped the ball. Life put me on her path so that I could help her with her needs when her mom could not. Because of me, she always had care,. What I have done is a good thing. I've been generous, and kind, and loving and I'm proud of myself.
2. If Mother Theresa could help hundreds of children and get nothing in return... I can definitely love and give to 1 child and get nothing in return. That makes me a good person, and that's what I want to be.
3. When BM ignored my SD she felt very hurt and rejected. She is now trying to fix that pain by getting the love from her mother who rejected her in the past. This is an important healing step for her.
4. When SD is an adult she'll realize who was there for her and who was not. But even if she doesn't, I can hold my head up high because I did a wonderful, giving act of kindness.
5. SD may have a similar psychological setup as her BM, and this is not my fault.
6. Now that I no longer have to take care of SD I can spend more time with my own child and really enjoy his childhood. Heck, I might even gain some time for myself.
7. All I owe my inlaws is courtesy and respect. If they don't appreciate me, I will avoid them and hang out with people who make me happy.
8. What my inlaws think does not have any bearing on me. I have done a wonderful thing taking care of their grandchild and nobody can take that away from me.

I hope this reframing helps. I truely believe you did a wonderful thing by taking care of this girl. Feel proud of yourself and surround yourrself with the family and friends that love you and make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

LikeMinded's picture

Hello,

I can't take away your pain, but I'd like to share with you how I would reframe these things that happened to you, so that they didn't sting as much.

1. My SD was very lucky to have me when her mom dropped the ball. Life put me on her path so that I could help her with her needs when her mom could not. Because of me, she always had care,. What I have done is a good thing. I've been generous, and kind, and loving and I'm proud of myself.
2. If Mother Theresa could help hundreds of children and get nothing in return... I can definitely love and give to 1 child and get nothing in return. That makes me a good person, and that's what I want to be.
3. When BM ignored my SD she felt very hurt and rejected. She is now trying to fix that pain by getting the love from her mother who rejected her in the past. This is an important healing step for her.
4. When SD is an adult she'll realize who was there for her and who was not. But even if she doesn't, I can hold my head up high because I did a wonderful, giving act of kindness.
5. SD may have a similar psychological setup as her BM, and this is not my fault.
6. Now that I no longer have to take care of SD I can spend more time with my own child and really enjoy his childhood. Heck, I might even gain some time for myself.
7. All I owe my inlaws is courtesy and respect. If they don't appreciate me, I will avoid them and hang out with people who make me happy.
8. What my inlaws think does not have any bearing on me. I have done a wonderful thing taking care of their grandchild and nobody can take that away from me.

I hope this reframing helps. I truely believe you did a wonderful thing by taking care of this girl. Feel proud of yourself and surround yourrself with the family and friends that love you and make you happy. You deserve to be happy.