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I need some advice and HELP!!!

allurah42's picture

So glad I found this forum!!! I have 4 bio-children and 2 step children. My issues as most of you are with my step-kids. In particular my 14 1/2 yr old SD. I have been in her life since she was 4. Her dad and I are not married, but have been together for 11 years.

I come from a VERY un-affectionate family. I was not hugged as a child or adult by my parents. I was sexually abused as a child and I know I have ISSUES around this topic. that is why I am here to get insight into my situation.

First, let me explain that my SD was sexual abused by her Paternal Grandfather. and definitively has boundary issues. She has been in and out of counseling, I feel the counselors were not prepared to deal with sexual abuse and that her issues where not address well or at all really. At 14 she has developed breast and started her period. She seems to enjoy showing off her breasts, wears clothes that I deem inappropriate for a girl her age. She wears push up bras and low cut shirts...some of these shirts show so much cleavage that one more inch and her nipples would show. We do no buy her these clothes she gets them from friends. When she is lounging around the house, she often wears no bra and tank tops. Some of the tanks are very skimpy and you can often see right through them. I've discussed this with her, and her father. Neither of them seems to care much if I don't mention it. When I do he often ask her to change. and I appreciate that, but!!! it still goes on OFTEN! Also the SD once informed me that she is now known at school by the nick name BB for big boobs!

There are things that happen between them that concern me. for instance...they used to kiss on the lips. I explained my past issues and why I feel it's not appropriate. Her dad has made it clear to her that a kiss on the cheek is how they should kiss. She still tries to kiss him on the lips anyways and when she kisses his cheek she will often do it several times and sometimes kiss his neck. She also has a habit of rubbing her breasts on him when she hugs him. He has agreed with me, he has noticed that also, and says he stops the hug when she does so. When they hug, their bodies are as close as they can get. He often is leaning with his back against the kitchen counter, her arms are around his neck. To me, it feels like this happens in the kitchen because they think i can't, or have less of a chance, to see them. Sometimes the hugs last WAY longer that I think they should. She appears to "hang on" him. They will stand in this embrace and talk for several minutes if uninterrupted. When or IF I walk into the room it stops...Last night it happened again, this time however, she was whispering in his ear and he was doing the same. I brought my concerns to him, he did his best to listen, was more of a fight in my opinion. He told me the I way think scares him, and that the hugs they share are appropriate and that I'm the one with the issues. (Which very well maybe.. )That she is just an affectionate child. the SD and I do hug, and I do hug the other kids in the house. The hugs I share with the kids are quicker,I do not kiss them on the cheek or anywhere. My issue I know! ALL of this makes me very uncomfortable... I don't know what to do...'s picture

Personally I feel that the hugging and affection is appropriate, and honestly, may be the only thing going on that's keeping her from going to boys for it. I would be most concerned about the dress code around the house. As her father, he should teach her what's appropriate and what's not. As a man, he should tell her why things should be covered up, even around the house, if it's not HER house. It's likely that he still sees her as his little girl (and always will) although you have seen her turn into a young woman and that is why you are concerned. On the one hand, it is NOT likely that anything inappropriate will EVER happen between the two. It's statistically not likely, and it doesn't sound like he is trying to hide anything, except for maybe what might upset you. My family was not affectionate either, but I am with my kids. It irks me to see my bf be that way with his little girls, and they are only 7 and 8. So remember on top of the "Daddy's Little Girl" issue you are also dealing with your past issues, which will magnify everything, making you suspicious or uncomfortable. So you are both right. But I would push the dress code around the house with him, especially if it's happening outside the house. Sounds like she is proud of her boobs, which is great as long as they are covered up!

StubbornEnough's picture

My SD17 tries hanging all over her daddy too. It makes me sick. Sexually abused children need to reminded that there are boundaries. Hanging on Daddy and whispering in his ear at 14 is inappropriate.

jennaspace's picture

Are you sure your DH did not abuse her too? If I suspected this and had kids in the house I would put some surveillance in the house (easy to do... I've never done it but I worked for a detective agency) for the safety of your kids and your SD. If he is abusive you need to know. I'm not trying to accuse him but if his dad sexually abused her than his dad may also have sexually abused him. Though not all kids who abused turn out to be abusers, it can happen. His behavior is creepy and abnormal. I say his because any normal dad would have put the kabash on his daughter rubbing her breasts against him a long time ago. By the way I am very affectionate too. My H would never act like this with his daughter.