Is your spouse resentful?
Wasn't sure where to post this, but here it goes. My husband has two kids (My SDs) from his ex gf from 10-ish years ago. They were only together for a couple of years but she got pregnant with SD2 who was a "whoopsie baby" toward the end of the relationship (maybe trying to get him to stay with her, I don't know...)
Anyway even though he's always provided for his kids, gave her money and even had them living with him full time at various points in their lives, she decided after several years to suddenly take him to the cleaners for child support (and "past due" child support since she waited so long to file for it.)
Now not only does he pay a large chunk of child support, he's also something like $20k in debt in back support.
After we met, got married and had our own child, BM started going a little nuts, threatening to not let him see his kids, etc. He's supposed to have them every weekend, but more often keeps them anyway, or drops them off for one day and picks them up early. If he ever complains, she loses her mind and threatens to not let him see them at all. He's given up fighting her on this and just accepts it. She treats us like babysitters and we can see them when it suits her. She's also made it clear that I'm never allowed to spend time with them one on one or look after them, even though I've never treated them with anything but kindness. There's no reason for it.
What I've noticed is over the last couple of years, DH is in a terrible mood when skids are here. He's usually laid back, happy go lucky, funny and affectionate...but as soon as his kids are dropped off, he goes quiet, grumpy and seems depressed and irate. I just try to avoid him because it seems like everything pisses him off. He puts his kids to bed early and as soon as they're in bed, or go back to BM's he's back to his old self. It's like he completely changes when they're here. It's bizarre.
I'm wondering if he's resentful of his children on some level? I know he loves his kids, but I can't say I'd be too happy if I was in his situation either. This is not something I can talk to him about, because I know it would just upset him, or he'd feel like I'm saying he doesn't love his daughters. I'm just wondering if anyone else had this happen to their spouse?
Of course you don't get $20k
Of course you don't get $20k overnight...It takes years to amass that much....Like when you wait until your kids are age 6 and 3 before you even file, and charge him on all of those years "not paying" because he was giving her cash in hand, paying her bills and even taking care of the kids on his own...As I explained in the original post.
I've tried encouraging him to go to court and have something done but he says he can't afford it and it'll just cause more problems. I've given up on the issue because it just causes arguments.
I hate to say it, but we both
I hate to say it, but we both act grumpy when the SKIDS are here, but it's not because we resent them. It's because BM has put us both through extreme stress (false allegations, years of lawsuits, surprise police visits, you name it, she's done it...). During their marriage BM emotionally abused DH for over a decade... and he's still recovering. BM stole money from DH's parents... the list goes on and on. To say we hate this woman is putting it mildly. She stalked me, tried to run me off the road while I was pregnant, started harrassing my daughter at school while I wasn't there... I had NEVER even spoken to a police officer (except for a traffic violation) until I met DH. The first two years with him, I was explaining things to police officers, showing them documentation, etc. Whenever I have to do an exchange noe my heart races, I get nauseous...
So here's the rub. One SKID is turning out just like his mother. You see his behavior, and you think of her. He's nuts, and even though he's a nice kid, and we love him, it's frustrating. We can't parent BM's nuttiness out of him.
The other SKID doesn't have these issues but he talks about her all the time. We say nothing, but it does make us grumpy. It feels like BM is in our house. It brings us down memory lane, back to the crazy.
When they leave, we're back to "normal".
It's not fair, but it is what it is.
Do your SKIDS make your DH think about their BM?
Omg and I thought my SD's BM
Omg and I thought my SD's BM was crazy! The worst she did when I got pregnant was constantly blow up DH's phone, send him tons of hateful texts about me, send him videos of his youngest crying "because she misses her Daddy" (even though we had her at least 3-4 days a week at that time) and feign a new terminal illness every other month. Haha! So sorry you've been through all that...that's horrible.
They do talk about BM a lot so maybe that's why he's so grumpy when they're here...but even if they're not talking about her, it's like someone flips a switch in DH's brain the second their mother drops them off. :/
My DH is resentful to a
My DH is resentful to a degree, yes.
I think it's a culmination of being tricked into becoming a father at the age of 20 and having a shotgun wedding, getting drowned in legal fees via divorce/mediation/therapy/child visitation, having to re-program his aloof daughter when she's here AND parenting her all on his own because I've since disengaged quite awhile back, and lastly the drama BM brings into our lives and the lasting damage it has caused our marriage to endure.
He's cautiously withdrawn because of all of these things when SK is here. As if she's a reminder.
This! DP gets stressed and
This! DP gets stressed and runs around like a chicken with its head cut off sometimes, catering to SDs every whim and want.
So nothing that NEEDS to get done gets done, or he ends up doing ALL of it himself (because SDs won't help and therefore I won't help with their stuff either). So he gets grumpy by the late afternoons.
SD12 can also be very mouthy with him (not with me) and put up huge fights when he really wants her to do something, then she ends up not doing it.
He's admitted to me it's all exhausting to him and all I say to him is that he can fix that situation if he really wanted to.
Honestly I don't know her
Honestly I don't know her well enough to know how much they act like her..As she loathes me for reasons unknown, (which I know from some hateful texts she's sent DH) she completely avoids being around me. Overall they're good kids, but as they get older, they've gotten a little more rude and they do talk about BM a LOT. I'm able to shrug it off..but they'll make comments like "This isn't the way Mom makes this or does this." Or they'll come over with a new gadget their "Mom" bought them (not understanding that a good chunk of BM's "income" is from the sweat of my husband's brow.) The oldest has gotten more distant and snippy, and often says she'd rather be at her Mom's than with us (the little time she is here.) BM will call and say "(oldest) SD isn't coming over this weekend because she want to stay here." Or "She wants to go to her grandparents' or her friends'." I try to comfort DH and tell him she's just "at that age" but I know it hurts him.