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When the kids ask you...

Dani01's picture

Pretty new on here but I thought it's the perfect place to see how others respond in this situation.

What do you say when the stepkid asks you to 'come see my room' or 'will you come to my birthday party?' And the BM is extremely high conflict & unpredictable? Its so awkward... what do you say? I havent been round kids a lot & I cant very well say I dont get on with your mum?!

My man has a SS (7) and SD (3). I have been with him for almost 2yrs, and handling it by keeping total distance from BM, has worked mostly so far. 

Anyway, the SD asked me last year to come to her party, I managed to bluff my way out of it saying i was away that day, i felt awful but I'm actually quite afraid of this woman - most others in this town are!) It actually turned out to be a trap for me as her whole family and friends were there & she hates me (being the woman her man moved on with - lucky I never went, from the comments made to my man). Then the wee boy came to our house after his bday this year, first thing he said was 'why didnt you come to my party?' I hadnt even been invited... it was another set-up by BM to make me look bad.

Any tips on what to say to the kids gratefully accepted Smile I'm not a real hands-on SM as I'm still getting used to them but we are friends and working on that Smile

Kes's picture

I would be honest with the kids and just say what BethAnne suggested - this is simple enough for even the 3 yr old to understand.    You explained a bit more about your circumstances in your previous post, and it sounds like you have many overbearing people to hold at bay, including your MIL as well.  It is perfectly OK to carry on keeping your distance and after giving a simple answer to the kids' questions, I would refuse to be drawn into further discussion on the matter.  I hope your bloke is supporting you a bit more. 

Dani01's picture

Thats really good advice thanks Smile it does seem like I'm juggling lots of overbearing people at the moment, but things have settled down a bit.

My man has started being a bit more supportive - telling the kids they need to do what I say, and he's disciplining them more, which helps things a lot! His mother is still interfering (tried to make us sit with HCBM at the school production the other night) but at least he can see it & doesn't agree with her. He told his mother no & we sat away from them. That meant a lot to have that backing!

That said, he has a sitter for this afternoon as his mum cant do it, and he made a comment in a tone 'unless you want them' - I said 'dont push it - I'm your partner not your babysitter'. Feel like I have to justify that I'm busy on my days off work so I'm not just expected to take the kids. Something to work on lol

Rags's picture

I would go.  And when BM pulls her toxic crap I would point out to the Skid s while BM is pulling her toxic shit, right in front of them, how much of an idiot biotch their mother is and tell them that is why I do not attend  events that she is at.

Go fully prepared to defend yourself with overwhelming violent force if BM takes it there.

Dont hide and don't tolerate her shit.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Do not do this. Do not go into another person's home just so you can be disrespected and disrespectful. If you want to see BM lose her mind and create a bunch of chaos for your SO, including dragging him through court to prevent you from being around the kids or getting a protective order for the kids, then do this. Otherwise, don't.

There are ways to show the kids, as they age, how BSC their BM is without walking into a hornets nest. It will require your SO to start standing up to BM first. The less you play her games, the better for you and the kids.

lieutenant_dad's picture

First, your SO needs to stop attending events BM hosts and host his own. That alleviates a lot of it and allows for this answer:

"Oh SD, thank you for inviting me, but your dad and I will be throwing you a party at his house next weekend. I'll celebrate with you then."

And your SO needs to stop going in BM's house. He can wait on the front porch, or at worst, the entryway of her home. Then you can tell SKs:

"Aww, kids, that's awfully nice of you, but it wouldn't be okay for me to come into your other home. Why don't you show me <insert something cool at SO's house> next time you come over instead?"

Your SO has set you and himself up for failure by remaining this enmeshed with someone who is high conflict. He can help alleviate some of this by setting the example of appropriate boundaries with BM and her ilk.

Panther1's picture

I would say that your mom and I are not friends, so I do not want to go to her house.  

I am sure the dad has his own bday parties for his kids right? 

Harry's picture

For any reason.  There should be no joint parties m or holidays.  This is something that must be settle before getting married.  He has no understanding or he does not care about your feelings .   This may not be the one for you