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What comes first?

sharkette92's picture

I'm just curious, and I wasn't sure where to ask this, but in a relationship where there's a step parent involved, should the parent put their child first or their new partner? And if the child doesn't like the new partner and completely acts out, how would you as a parent deal with that?

I'm asking because I've seen things where some parents put their kids first, and others put their partners first and I'd like some perspective on this. I'm really just curious on this particular subject really

SeeYouNever's picture

It depends on the time and the circumstances. Sometimes kids take priority, sometimes a spouse. It should never always be one of the other.

Rags's picture

The marriage and the partners are always the only top priority for each other.  Period.

Kids, regardless of biology, are the top marital/relationship responsibility. 
 

This is the balance that provides for the best outcomes for marriage and successfully raising children.

Living an excellent example of committed, faithful and successful marriage while being equity partners to each other and equity parents teaming in raising children with structure and strong standards of behavior and performance is the right example.

IMHO of course.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Kids are the #1 responsibility whereas partners are the #1 priority. The needs of the kids trump the wants of a partner and have to be weighed against the needs of a partner with more weight given to the kid. The wants and needs of a partner, though, trump the wants of a kid.

Kids function better with structure. Parents need to be able to provide for their kid's needs before trying to find a new partner. There is an order of operation that needs to be followed (be a responsible parent, then heal from your previous relarionship, then be a good parent, then find a partner, and then actually form a partnership with that person). If that order isn't followed, that's when things go haywire.

Kids don't have enough life experience to be a foundation of a family. They shouldn't have authority to make adult decisions. That's where people screw up. Kids can have all the feelings and opinions in the world, but that doesn't mean they should always hold weight. It is a parent's job to help teach their child how to express and deal with their feelings, not give in to make them feel better. Kids who don't grow up learning to manage their own bad feelings become adults who expect everyone to make them feel good about everything they do and throw temper tantrums when they don't.

So, kids always need to have their basic needs covered, including emotional and psychological development. If that is being met, a parent can pursue another relationship where they ADD responsibility to their plate by adding a partner. NEVER should a partner be added to split responsibility. If a parent has parenting down well enough, then adding a partner won't be difficult and the kids will have an easier time blending (not guaranteed easy, but easier).

However, this ALL can get thrown off if the ex doesn't follow the formula. If they make "blending" easy by giving in to the kids and giving them free reign, it will be an uphill battle bringing them on board.

STaround's picture

If I promised my DH we could have a date night, but one of my DCs was seriously sick, date night would go bye bye.

I think if you are asking what should be a priority, a marriage with kids in the bargain is not for you. 

tog redux's picture

What if you promised your DH a date night but the kid wanted you to stay home and watch a movie with her/him?  

The adults should always be a priority for each other - as people say on here, a child wants shouldn't take priority over everything. Of course if your child is sick, that might be a priority. That's not the question though. 

Rags's picture

The priority of a marriage/partner Vs kids is a foundational element of the adult relationship at the core of the blended family, or any family for that matter.  It is not about the extreme example of caring for a sick kid Vs a couple's date night.  Of course the responsibility of a sick child would reschedule date night.  

What does not reschedule date night, ever, is a manipulative kid who is trying to get mommy or daddy to love them more than they love their spouse, trying to get mommy or daddy to chose the kid over the spouse, etc, etc, etc.......  That kid gets left floppimg on the floor mid tantrum while mommy/daddy and their spouse head out for date night. Every time.

sharkette92's picture

Bingo! I wholeheartedly agree with this. A friend of mine has a son (14) but he's divorced. His son was living with his mother, who happened to be entering into a new relationship. Now the son stole $1000 from his mother and he's beaten her several times when he didn't get his way. Now he has an issue with the mother's bf and doesn't like him at all. He's been acting out for a year now. Treating his mother like crap etc this is just what I've heard about so I thought to ask what people on here thought about relationship priorities

Rags's picture

OH HELL NO!

Even though they are divorced dad should have beat that violent little shit to within an inch of his pathetic useless little life for beating his mother.  BM's BF should have had that POS kid disposed of before dad had a chance to take care of it himself.

If the kid was not aready fed to the local swamp, he should be in jail for stealing the $1000.

Grrrrrrrrr!

Even if my parents had divorced my dad would not have tolerated his sons treating their mother with anything but absolute respect.