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Took on too much - so Im the jerk

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Ive read so many posts on this issue - being asked to take care of the step kids while dad's at work. I said yes to be helpful - to show solidarity even love. But all that goodness has blown back on me as anger, "concern" and "I dont know if we have a future together". 
 

My partner has 2 sons - 12 yr old twins. No other adults will take them both at once - they burned too many bridges w other parents. I'll call him my DH even tho we're not married. We have a 6 yr old daughter together. I ran my own business until covid & homeschool tore apart our lives. The boys 1st moved in at the start of lockdowns. My DH has forgotten all of this. He lost his job and life fell into a hole. I got him to rehab and he's a year sober. He was doing great until he took on 2 fulltime jobs in january. Now, lack of sleep makes him a royal bleep bleep bleep. He's now gone most the time - truly at work. So i agreed to help by taking on his sons (we already live w them 50% of the time) on wednesdays and saturdays. --- HUGE mistake!!!! I physically cant do it. I cant. I dont want to. I wont. It was literally making me sick. I have an existing health issue w a hunk of metal in my body to prove it - and DH says he worried about me even before all this. 
 

Here's the thing - when I said I cant do it he lost it. He cant see a future together if I cant have his sons here without him. So... ive learned from enough posts that O can not and will not take his sons on saturdays - why? Cuz it's not just one day - one big day became permission for him to add more - friday night so he could do his martial arts and saturday after work to meet his sponsor. Yes all valiant things - but not when i get zero nights off. Zero time off unless im at work. I work from home which makes it even worse. 
 

Now DH is lost about his work sked and spring break and summer break. Of course i sorted it for our daughter, but ai asked what would happen w the boys (since i work from home and he's at work).  You see, if I didnt pick this fight you all know he'd lay that on me. But im writing this post bwcause he is furious w me that I wont do it. He says he's worried about the cycle im in (utter exhaustion w the boys / recovering / back full day w boys and back to recovering). So it seems all the good I did was for not. He's mad at me - as if i never helped at all. It wouldve been much better if i hadnt said yes initially. 
 

question is: how i can i help him see we do have a future - but not w me as babysitter. Or perhaps im asking that myself. 

Winterglow's picture

Where is their mother in all this? 

IMO, he has a helluva cheek expecting you to take his kids on when nobody else will have them. What is he doing to change their behaviour? And how insulting it is that he assumes that you are available at all when you are working from home! 

He can forget about his martial arts on Fridays if he can't take care of his kids. They are not your responsibility. Seing his sponsor is another thing - that is necessary - but I doubt it's going to take all evening.

I'm glad you are lucid enough about his taking advantage of you (give him an inch ...), stick to your guns. I would be seriously thinking about whether this was really the relationship for me. He seems to be a bit of a bully and has anger management issues, right?

justmakingthebest's picture

What you need to remind him is that there is no ring on your finger. You are NOT his wife nor are you the mother of those boys. They are not your problem, and he and BM need to step up and be parents- not you. I know a lot of people say that marriage is a piece of paper, but that paper comes with a lot of legal protections that you don't currently have. It is an important piece of paper and if you are religious, that piece of paper comes with a commitment that you don't have right now.

Explain that you have done all you can to help him but he isn't doing shit to help you when you need it. He needs to figure this out but the kids need to be gone this summer during work hours, period. If he can't do that, you will move to where you can work in peace. Your work provides for the family and that is all there is to it. You supported him at his darkest and he can't figure out summer activities/camp for HIS KIDS- screw that. 

ESMOD's picture

You are absolutely justified in not wanting to be his default babysitter.  If you were not in the picture.. he would have to figure out a solution.

I would turn it around on him though. 

Is the only reason you want me around is to be a free babysitter for your kids? Because I didn't say that the twins couldn't be here without you "ever".. I said I can't be the solution for your ongoing childcare needs.  Between my job and caring for our daughter... the extra stress and work for the skids on a regular basis is too much for me.  So, I'm willing to help "some" but when I offer "some" you always turn it into much more (example your weekend activities on a regular basis).  So, i need you to figure out how to manage caring for your kids on a day to day basis during your custody time.  AND.. if your EX can't watch them.. don't agree for us to have them here unless YOU are prepared to do the minding!

On another tangent though.. your "in home" business.. would you be making more money outside the home instead?  He is working a lot.. and that is part of the problem.. it may be that the money would have to come from somewhere if you can't watch them and he has to continue to work extra to pay bills.  So, if you went to a different job.. if you made more.. would it ease the household's finances(assuming he is paying currently more than a division might otherwise be).?

 

Are there any options for after school care? weekend activities he could sign them up for that would reduce stress on you?

 

 

 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

So answers to great questions: where is the BM? Usually getting sauced. She's an active alcoholic. She works and is usually unreasonable and demanding as you all can relate. She doesnt want the boys more than her share - and works to have them less. She has no boundaries or rules w them. Luckily, my DMan is strong about boundaries w the boys. They badly need them. So they have boundaries w us. It took about a year and still some resistance, but we've really stuck with upholding them all (none of which they have at their BM's). their dad does care and isnt an a-hole 95% of the time. But he is stuck in self-righteousness at the moment.  So yes make boundaries w the kids!!! Stick with it and never give up. I can now happily say we eat together @ the dinner table when boys w us - no devices - no toys - just fork and food. And they have chores - yes. It is a MIRACLE - and the tenacity of dad. So he is a good man. But he can get stuck in his own shizzel sometimes. 
 

Fyi - i work from home w all my computer gear - cant go elsewhere except an hour or so. I do see he's working his arse off and really focused on staying sober - all great things.  There's just a disconnect on this issue. He took on 2nd job. I stupidly agreed to take on the 3 kids solo - and when my body crumpled as result his response is - pissed i cant continue to do it but even more pissed my body is in bad state of affairs - exhausted/ pain level high. *** It's confusing to me why he doesnt see direct correlation.. i have therapy right now. Maybe i'll find out more. Be back shortly. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Your SO is bullying you and trying to whip you back in shape. This is abuse. Abusive relationships are never ever happy or peaceful to the victim, which is you.

Call his bluff. Agree that you dont have a future together if you are expected to look after the destructive duo SS's when no one else is.

 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Agreed. Here's things today: I cant and wont do full-day babysitting to the 12yr old twins. You are all correct - It is his problem to solve. I see how easy us steps get caught in this trap. I wanted to be helpful.  Now i feel awful and guilt-ridden that I wont help in that. Thats what I want to find a solution for - not for his issues - but mine - why do I feel so guilt-ridden about it. --- He seems to be hearing me say "i dont wanna be w your kids" - and altho sometimes teenagers suck - i do love when we're on the same page and a family. ** i truly wish i knew how to say it so he could better understand. 
 

Btw - if he really feels we have "no future" then of course he can go. There are some other great humans in life to love. Im not going to stick by him if he maintains this ridiculous stance.  my therapist feels it is him being like a kid trying to get me to change my mind about my boundary. My therapist is clear it wouldnt be a relationship worth saving if his gorilla chest pounding was permanent. I believe it is temporary. I'll let you know. 
 

I think he is soooo exhausted from his 2 full time jobs that he doesnt know what he is saying or doing. I think he's on auto-pilot - reverting to childhood trauma responses. He needs sleep!!!!  

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

1st. I'd tell ANY and Every step parent (male, female, alien etc): Do not ever agree to watch his kids when he is at work or otherwise engaged elsewhere. Put your boundary up early and NOW. - Ok, if you convince yourself you are willing and happy about offering - dont say yes automatically- instead get very clear exactly how much time you would do if he/she were not with you - seriously. I should never have said yes - I see that now. Once you agree it is very painful to make a boundary - but also very necessary. The other cant possibly see their part if you're always caretaking their issues. I get it. Thats what I was doing. I totally lost myself in the process of helping his problems.   You all are RIGHT - I have no choice but to call his bluff - I dont need to even say it out loud to him. I just can not watch his kids in the way he hoped. Broken dream or broken relationship? His choice. But either way I am going to be happier for it. 

At the moment I just want to know how to find peace within myself about my firm decision  

im not willing to lose the man I love and great dad to our daughter over this issue, but I will not back down on my new boundary. My therapist said often when you set a boundary the other person retaliates/resists - think of how our children deal w new boundaries.  She said you cant waver - you have to stick to your guns on this (just like w the kids). Never wobble or waver - it broadcasts you are willing to be used. 
 

i do see my man is being selfish etc. He is not in many ways - but this - yes - who doesnt want a savior so we can do what makes us happy?  I want a savior to. And one that so easily says yes to all my big life hurdles - sure!! Im sorry i couldnt make it easy for him at my expense - but I simply cant. 

Good thing to come out of this awful anxiety and drama: Ive come to realize that since CoVid started - when the boys moved in 50% of time - I gave up what I love doing. Most of us did - but if I have any chance of having a good healthy happy life w my man, then I need to stop being his savior and care-take myself first. Sure i'll have to be like a single parent for awhile to our daughter while he works these crazy hours - but I can do that while making my own life awesome again. I know I can do it.  I will set more boundaries often and early with him. I see it's my only way to be the woman he actually fell in love with - and the only way I can be the person Im happy being. 
 

Any ideas on how I can find peace / self-love in myself about my decision? Cuz really this isnt about him - Im the one that initially said yes. I was the one over-care-taking solving all of his life hurdles, trying to save the day. Im the one that needs to heal from making decisions that are good for him but bad for me for 6 years.   Sadly, no one made me do it. i did this pain to myself. Harsh truth.  I want to be seen as easy-going - but Im not. I wish I was. 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Q & A: He couldnt work for 1 year - CoVid year. We had to do homeschool. Pre-covid he made mucho dinero. But he was miserable. So he took job he enjoys - pays almost nothing but he loves it. Then he got offered job at sober-facility. It's great for him to be learning so much. But the hours are brutal. He works 8-2pm (job#1) and 3pm-12pm (job#2). Does he need both?? - he'll have to learn that on his own. He's doing it to pay off big debt. Also, I think he likes feeling useful and helpful.  But he seems lost when it comes to managing his personal affairs. I see he's doing the best he knows how - but his exhaustion leads to really bad anger management.  Even w one job he was worn out by thursdays and had a short fuse, but at least then he could see it. Now? He's too exhausted to see it. 
 

Q&A #2:  i have stood up for myself and see the wisdom in not having his kids without him - but im asking myself - not even his issues / thoughts - but my own - When we got together I knew his boys would be w us 50% of time. So by being w him doesnt that mean i agreed to take on the boys?  Dont get me wrong - i will not change my mind or change my boundary - i see the damage it caused me. But i dont really understand why it isnt my responsibility if i do want a future with him. Yes - i get they are not mine so not my responsibility- but it is very hard for me to see why. I hear all of you, but I still dont "get it". For example - spring break and summer - when it is his time w them - maybe he was hoping id just take them on (i wont) but in his mind it is how we build a future together. In mine it is being taken advantage of. He is not a bad man. He just cant see why - if we share a life together - then how are they not also my issue to solve. And i dont think i know that answer either. 
 

How in the world do we get back on the same page? (Plz know i will not take the boys on as he hoped) 

The_Upgrade's picture

"He is not a bad man. He just cant see why - if we share a life together - then how are they not also my issue to solve"

Easy. They're not your issue because they're not your kids. They have two parents that are responsible for their wellbeing. Being an unpaid, unappreciated nanny is not a job requirement for any relationship. I'm wondering if the reason your DH jumped back into the dating pool originally was because he needed someone to watch his kids and believed it was the responsibility for any woman in a relationship with him because all women have maternal instincts right? I firmly believe that parents need to adjust to the increased workload of single parenting and find their own solutions to make things work rather than just bring someone in to take on their workload. That's the only way second relationships can last.

If you're struggling with boundaries, think of it as being a fun aunt. Fun aunt is only there for fun. If fun aunt is invited to a picnic with the kids she just shows up and plays with them, she doesn't pack their food or makes sure they're wearing appropriate clothes for the weather. Fun aunt will interact with the kids but if they're acting up, she'll leave the scene and leave it to their parents to parent. Fun aunt might offer an opinion if asked about extracurricular activities but no way is she gonna dedicate her time to transport the kid there and back every week. They're just not her kids. 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Yes! Up until january i just realized i was / have been the fun aunt. I dont discipline and wont (learned that on here). I make food but he is great with sharing that. Up until this rift he's always done the boys parenting - so thats a relief. 
i hear you! I know im seeming thick here - But I still cant quite figure out to frame it so he "gets it".  Yes - old school raised on both our parts - moms did all. But unhappy. So maybe this is why im not getting it. But no matter what I wont go back to being nanny. No way!!! So even if i dont get it I do hear all of your thoughts. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Why are these boys so awful?  I understand having to work to get out of debt but to sacrifice much needed parenting time ?  If his boys weren't so awful I'm sure you could find help.  He can't have it both ways.  He needs to modify his working hours so he can parent.  Once the debt is paid off , what's his plan?   How nice he gave up a well paying job to work 2 jobs and not be around for his kids.   There is so much wrong with his thinking.  Sometimes you work the passionless job to pay for the life you want.  Do not enable him anymore.  He needs to sink or swim 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Yep. That's what Im seeing (his thinking is outta whack). Im so there w you about not enabling him anymore. I see it. I got lost in it. Helping him - lost myself. Day 1.5 of seriously reclaiming my own life.  Hopefully this post thread can help someone else who did the same - I didnt think id get a parade - but I did hope for a big snuggle. Irony and prediction: i'll get that big snuggle after standing up for myself instead - not right away - but I bet it'll come when Im more me again.  

Rags's picture

You do not have to help him see anything. He is insn't worth it. What you have to do is make him feel the pain of his idiocy.  Tell him no. Tell him if he is not in house, neither are they.  

Quit day in and day out walking yourself and your daughter to the sacrificial alter to your idiot SO's failed family breeding experiments.

Make better choices for yourself and your daughter. He does not know if he has a future with you if  you do not serve his toxic spawn? Yeah. Nope. Good riddance to all three of then I say.

Good luck.

Winterglow's picture

So he lost his job because of his drinking, right? He got sober and, rather than look for a job that could cover his costs,  he took a job, then two, that he enjoyed but that don't pay much. What would he have done if you hadn't been there as his safety net? He'd have looked for a better paying job, right? So, dammit, it's time he went out and looked for one. I also suggest setting up a meeting for both of you with a financial adviser. There may be ways for him to dig himself out of the hole he's created that he hasn't thought of.

He is aware that his kids are difficult PITAs, there's a reason that nobody, but nobody, will take them together. So what's he going to do about that? Dumping them on you is not a solution. Good grief, you have your own job. Working from home is not an easy option and you do not have the time nor energy to take care of a couple of uncontrollable kids. Does he not understand that you cannot do your job properly if they're about and that you do not want to risk losing it? 

Time you were brutally honest with him. 

  • He needs to get a better paid job with reasonable hours.
  • His sons are his responsibility and his alone.
  • You are his partner NOT their mother, they already have one of those no matter how incompetent/sloppy she is. 
  • You do not see a future with him if he continues to consider you to be his babysitter, maid, head chef and bottle washer.
  • There is no future with him until he learns to respect your work and your need for proper working conditions that means no kids in the house while you're working. 

You hold all the cards here, so play them.

 

simifan's picture

I'm wondering about these kids. I was babysitting myself at 12. How bad are they that no one else will take them & They can't be left alone for a karate class or meeting with a sponsor? 

Anyways they are not your problem. Your SO is an a$$ for trying to put the heavy lifting on to you. This "man" has dumped way too much onto you. He is not your responsibility to fix. They are not your responsibility to fix. Stop over-functioning.

I wouldn't even call him on his bluff, I'd agree. Your life will be much easier only responsible for yourself and your child (because goddess knows he won't be stepping up there either). 

Peace_Love_and_Sanity's picture

Thanks to all of your thoughts! Forums can be tricky - because when it is not ourself in the situation I find it easy to sling ideas that might be good advice or might be bad advice. I find the true answer to be found in the middle (unless the relationship is abusive). 
 

Two days after I wrote my initial post, my partner and I found a happy solution that I feel proud of. Above, someone suggested I did not actually need a reason to explain why I did not want to take on the boys solo. You are totally right - I couldnt see it cuz I was stuck in my own head. They are his sons and they do need their father / dad time, particularly now that he's a good, sober influence.   And Although it took me a bit to understand it - that IS the reason right there. 
 

I cant go into why the twins cause so much trouble - kids of alcoholics often are in so much pain from so much baggage that it takes years to work out. That's not my role in their life.  I think "fun aunt" says it best. It works best that way.  
 

The happy solution we came to was this:

First, I got calm. i did yoga & meditation then I processed all of your thoughts, my therapist, mom, brothers etc. Then I spoke from love. I said firmly: I love the boys - they are tough but I love them. I said Im not willing to break us over this solveable hurdle. i said please understand, I will not take care of the boys on full days / Saturdays / Spring Break / Summer Break / Work days etc. I asked that he navigate the boys so I can focus on taking care of our bio-daughter best. He responded really well. And although he was initially stressed, he fully agreed w my new boundary. He began taking control of lining up the boys care right away.

I did offer to continue having the boys for 1 easy after-school timeslot per week because I do truly enjoy my bonding time where they get to know me better for me - not through their dad's energy - and more bonding time for my daughter with her big brothers (even if not always fun).   As he informed me that he'd just booked one Saturday and then another, he switched into optimism and a happy place. The universe works in mysterious ways.  My initial post may not have correctly conveyed that I'm the goofball that had offered to watch the kids on Saturdays while he was at work (why?  I didnt realize It would be so bad for me).  A cool side effect:  I feel the universe wants him to feel cool for solving it for himself. I had unknowingly stepped into the role his ex-wife used to play - the complaining martyr. It felt so good for both of us to realize we were breaking that cycle. Also fascinating and only now, I can see I was accidentally immasculating him each time I unwittingly offered & tried to solve all of his problems. 

We both apologized for getting angry. We both cried and discussed how we're each doing everything in our power to learn better communication and learning to navigate our own emotions better. We agreed to do individual therapy to help us "work". And hey!  We also lined up 2 date nights. And one more gift:  He booked childcare for the next 2 weeks so I can enjoy a good break from my solo nights w the boys - even though I offered to continue my volunteer service evening.

And yet another amazing turn of events, by approaching him so calmly with love: he shared with me deep insight on why he's doing 2 jobs w crazy hours. I now clearly how it works towards our bigger collective goals. 
 

ok, so with so much intimacy of thoughts shared, he then announced he's taken 4 days off next week so we can have a mini-spring break vacation. Bonding time. 

He is a good man, but we both had tough childhoods despite our parents' heroic attempts to make it better. So now, We're both learning to properly manage our anger.  We have a lot of work to do on ourselves. 
 

Last note: I learned so much through this experience. Primarily, Ive learned to stop care-taking him. I mean STOP. I have switched gears entirely to focus on building myself back up.  You see, he did not ask me to over-give. I offered and / or suggested it even. I did it cuz I thought it would help me feel safe and loved. It did not. ... It nearly destroyed my relationship. I feel lucky to have finally been able to see my part.  So, the big lesson, particularly after reading these forum posts, is that while we can all see how kids need strong boundaries to grow up correctly... Well, us parents also need strong boundaries with each other to remain whole. Giving too much of ourselves does not equal love because it is too often being given out of fear - so many fears.  ... And that fear bleeds into the gift being given. It taints it.

thanks so much for reading. I hope my experience helps you in some way.  Im off to learn what other healthy boundaries I need to create. I'm ready.