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Teen Stepparent

amacielma's picture

Hello, my name is America Martinez, I am 22 years old and a little over a year ago I started a relationship with a man I used to work with five years ago who is exactly ten years older than me, his name is Tino. We used to work together any a candle factory, he was maintenance when our machines would stop working or needed attention, we got along, we were always professional and we would talk every now and then. After afew months into my job, he got a new job offer and left. I stayed and worked the rest of the year. Durring that year I starting seeing someone from college my age and we went out a few times and we started a relationship. After a bit, we found out that I was expecting and he paid me money to "get rid of the problem". He left me the money without hesitation and left, we never spoke again. I used the money to buy some baby clothes, completed my rent for the month (I was living alone in a studio) I was having very horrible morning sickness and a lot of light headedness that I was not working my forty hours a week anymore. One day at work, candle wax had spilled over near my work area and there was no caution sign or anyone that told me to be careful. So I climbed som steps where the was spill had accrued and all I remember was feeling a lot of pain throughout my body, on the cold cement floor, covered in wax, grabbing onto my tummy. I was only 5 months and two weeks pregnant when I lost her. 
I was in the hospital for three days and then I was sent home. My mom was there with me, as she was the only person I spoke about this too, holding me as I cried my life out for days, I quit my job. I was in a very bad place. 

I completed my lease on the apartment and moved south with a family cousin who had a 2 bedroom trailer to herself because her family has left to Mexico for good. I got a job, moved in and then after 3-4 months, I got my own one bedroom trailer in the same trailer park. I got a second job, got a car, and I thought I was coming up okay. Until my first job contract was up and they weren't hiring on, I was down to one job. I fell behind on rent, on my car payments, gas, electricity, etc. I was working pretty much just to pay my home and car. I never had any money left over for food. So I'd eat at my mother's until I had a second job again. I eventually got  another job, but now all my bills were behind.
i lost my house, and I lost my car. Tino and i had started talking via social media again 4 years after our last day together at our candle job. I explained my situation and he took me in. He said he was ready for a "all in" relationship and that if I wanted it just as much as he did, that I could move in and use his car to work. i accepted and moved in. 
 

NOW.
i love him, he's everything to me, he treats me very good and makes me happy BUT there are two little problems: 1) He sometimes takes me for granted. And 2) his 12 year old is a spoiled, ungrateful, disrespectful, "I'm nice when I wanna be" kinda kid. 
so lets start with one. Tino is absolutely amazing, reminds me that he loves me everyday and all that. But he doesn't like to go out to clubs, restaurants, movies, golfing, nothing. I do. I love dancing, I love restaurants, I love trying to hobbies and stuff. And I feel like that's something I gave up. Dancing is a whole part of me, I love it to death and just because he doesn't, I stopped. i used to get up, do my makeup, wear something pretty, even if it was just to go grocery shopping. He used to compliment me but after a while he would always say "why are you dressing up? We're not going anywhere important." And then he'd walk away. And also, in the beginning we would help each other out in the kitchen and cleaning the house, now it's like I'm a maid. I get up and can ok, then I clean by myself and he's just casually sitting on the couch waiting for this maid to bring him his food to him while he reads the news. i don't know if it's because he's 33 and I'm  almost 23 but this is my first time living with someone, having a real relationship with communication and being a step parent. I've always been alone since I was 5 years old because my mother came to this country to work he butt off for me to go to college and have a good career. She ALWAYS had two or more jobs at a time so I was always home by myself. School, home, home, school. I'd clean, Cook, do my homework, wash dishes, etc. And yeah he's  a grown man but he needs to sit down and say "hey. She's younger, she lost a baby, she's always been alone. She's not my maid, she still needs extra attention sometimes and she needs to be shown off and I need to participate in her hobbies too." 
but he doesn't. I gave up a lot of my personal hobbies for him.

And 2. His spoiled little 12 year old brat of a daughter. I feel so horrible saying that but it's true. So now that I've moved in and it's been a year, I've had to teach her "please" and "thank you". I've had to teach her to clean up after herself. She's a painter, she has art work all over the house, she's amazing. But it's like picking up after a 3 year old. Tino has never yelled at her, or punished her or anything. That's great and all but she snaps her fingers at her parents, and her grandma and she did it to me. I don't know about anyone else but that was a sign of disrespect if I ever did that to my mom or anyone else. We're not maids or slaves. We're family. She should be polite. ESPECIALLY because she gets EVERY F THING SHE WANTS. When her father asks her to pick something up, or to brush her teeth, or to clean her room, he always does it so nicely and yet this girl has the nerve to sit and do whatever she wants. It's like saying "yeah I heard you but I don't want to so when I feel like it I'll do it." 

my mother was so stricter with me that when I see Tino tell his daughter to do something and she just sits around for hours without listening to him makes me so upset. I would've loved a dad like my boyfriend. He's an amazing dad. My dad dipped when I was 1. 
This girl just makes me so upset. I do my best to be there for her and she just doesn't care. She gets whatever she's wants, her dad HAS TO pick up after her ALLL THE DAMN TIME. She can't even take her plate after eating to the sink because she just doesn't want to and her dad is pretty much always behind her. she's gotten paint on the ground and the walls and clothes and the couch and she simply doesn't care and her dad doesn't discipline her at all. She's doesn't eat all the food we make but after eating she goes to the kitchen and grabs all junkie snacks and stuffs her face. 
 

what can I do? I know I'm young, I love my relationship but this girl, gets me so annoyed idk what to do

ldvilen's picture

You said her dad doesn't discipline her at all.  If children aren't disciplined, they tend to act like little dictators, and that is what you have here.  As we say here often, you don't have a SK problem, you have a boyfriend problem.  If dad lets her act like an animal, she'll act like an animal.  Children need guidance and boiundaries.  That is a parent's responsibility and not someone else's.  It is not your responsibility to "mother" his child.  I take it she already has a mother.  She also has a dad, but apparently he feel he doesn't have to parent.

This girl is his daughter and will not be going away.  So, you either need to live with it, and, yes, that may very well mean being a maid, as you put it, in one way or another to him and his child for years and years.  It doesn't necessarily end once the SK has reached adulthood.  Or, you can try having a long talk with your DH, telling him he has to parent his child, and you'll be stepping back; however, if he doesn't do so, then that means you still have to deal with her antics.  Or, you can leave.  It all comes down to your BF.  That may not seem like many choices, but SPs never seem to have many choices in their relationships with their SOs.

Winterglow's picture

I fail to see how you can call this person "amazing". I also think that you are too young to get bogged down in this kind of relationship - you clearly have a lot more living to do before you settle down. 

You could have a great future. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't appreciate you?