Stepmom of 12yo girl looking for advice
I am hoping to get some better advice than the last forum I posted to. People were very judgemental. I realize there are holes in my story, just don't want to bore anyone with all the details. Please be understanding.
I've known my step daughter since she was 2yo but we rarely got to see her much until recent. For about a year now her mom has finally given us time but only one wknd every other month. This summer, we have gotten her a few extra weekends. We have been fighting for rights, the mother refuses, we pay courts more money and get no where. I'm not here to talk about court/parenting time issues today though 
My husband and I have a 3yo son and one due in Oct. I'm having issues integrating my step daughter into our family on the when we have her. She is a very nice girl but she always seems so down when we get her, then she perks up when she's with us but once we tell her it's time to head home, she seems down again. I want to talk to her to see if there is something wrong but I'm not sure how. I just want her to know that I am here for her no matter what. This past wknd has mostly been on my mind. I'm feeling down because I was stressed and she kept picking at our son so I was short with her w/out really explaining why. Example, we just got back from being at the beach all morning and having a picnic, it was nap/quiet time for my son and I let them to watch a movie since we were camping. Step daughter wanted to watch with him so I said that was fine, we were all wore out. I could tell that she pretending to sleep and lightly kicking my son to get attention, irritate him or something. As a tired 3yo he was whining and telling her to stop but she kept doing it. I looked over, saw what was going on, realized she was fake sleeping and doing that and asked what was going on. She stopped, he stopped whining and all was good. Dad went to get firewood for our evening activities.
Also, when we pick her up Friday she is always stinky and has greasy hair. We have her shower that night if possible or Sat morning for sure. Is this something I should talk to her about? I have talked to her about wearing deodorant but she says she doesn't like it and only wears it if she has gym class. My husband wants to bring it up to her mom but I don't want to risk the little time we have with her by upsetting the mother.
She also has some of the worst habits with cleaning up after herself, manners and being aware of her surroundings. It's hard to integrate those things in her life the few times we see her. I always feel rude when I ask her to pick up her plate or say please. Do I expect too much?
I don't really have much experience to look back on. I want to be a positive role model in her life and not be a nagging, crabby stepmom. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful response. I really appreciate it. Any recommended reading material?
The last forum you posted to
The last forum you posted to that you didn't think was very good and was to judgmental was their advise to let Dad parent his own daughter? Just curious, as that is what I'm about to tell you.
All this 'should you talk about this or that with SD'? No. That's Dad's job. For whatever reason you're husband has not been allowed to actually be a parenting influence on his daughter. Now that he has her a bit more, you want to take over the role for him. This is his daughter and it's time he gets to know her and impress his influences on her, not yours. Is there a reason Dad cant sit down and have all these talks on his own with his daughter? You're correct in that SD will come to think of you as the nagging critical evil ol' SM. Especially if every time the kid blanks wrong or doesn't do things to your standard it is you that calls her on it or tries to address it with her.
Sure, you can't talk with your husband, make suggestions and agree together what needs addressed/corrected. However the father is the one who must communicate these issues with his daughter. You get to be the adult role model with adult respect status, but the other stuff needs to be coming from Dad. It's not a smack towards you that I'm suggesting this. if you read around these different blogs and boards on this site you'll find many on just this topic. Young pre-teen/teen stepdaughters with terrible personal care problems, don't know how to do anything for themselves as far as picking up after themselves (or reject being asked to). You're not lone and your story really isn't unique except for perhaps the very little time in 12yrs Dad has actually been able to see his daughter.
No the last forum was very
No the last forum was very rude saying things like "Your just a step mom, stay out of her business", asking questions about small things I left out of the story, saying rude things about the fact we haven't seen her much in the past and that shes a lost cause since daddy abandoned her (which is not even close to true) and asking why I let her kick my child for so long (not even sure where I mention it went on for long, it was seriously over in 10 seconds). I had 300 words and summed it up. They wanted all the juicy details and since they weren't there, they made up their own assumptions. Oh well.
Thankfully I came to this forum because I actually semi agree with your comment. I do feel a little bit like you're saying as a step mom I am not important and only dad should be parenting which I completely disagree with but I do agree dad should be doing his part at the parenting. And it's not that he isn't, it's that it's new to both of us. I am not going to just step back, I want to be involved in a positive way as much as possible. In no way do I want to take over his role. I married a man knowing he had a child and taking full responsibility to whatever came along with that including the scary upcoming teenage years. I guess I don't even know what I'm asking. I just want to be helpful and was hoping for some positive guidance. I do see our time with her increasing in the near future since it has been already so I just want to be somewhat prepared.
If you really want to be
If you really want to be helpful, what you will do is encourage your husband to do the parenting, give him examples that work for you, coach him. You, like many new stepparents, don't want to hear that the stepmother's role cannot be greater than the role the husband and bio mom play. But it is the honest-to-goodness truth. You cannot care about your stepchildren more than their biological fathers and mothers do. It will get you nowhere.
Does this mean you just give up? Absolutely not - but it does mean that you need to learn how to get your husband to parent, how to get your husband to stand up for the family, and to stand up for you. It's an incredibly difficult road. Hugs.
Oh girl!!! I just re-read my
Oh girl!!! I just re-read my very first blog here from last summer!
ENJOY }:) and know you are not alone!
http://www.steptalk.org/node/192173
~ Moon
It sounds like you SD is
It sounds like you SD is going through puberty. Moody, smelly, greasy, yep all the tell tale signs. During this spell my teens often showered twice a day.
As for how you can be helpful; be supportive of DH but remember that he is her parent and she does have a mother so your attempts to "mother" her may be resented. A friend of mine has a 2 yr old with her DH, a 13 yr old stepson and 16 yr old SD. she says she approaches the steps more like an aunt than another mother. This seems to work for their situation. Her DH is a trucker so he's gone alot. They only have the skids when he's home, he does the "parenting/disciplining." My friend runs the kids around, shops with sd16 etc.