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Stepfather’s Expectations - College Edition

uadrallab's picture

I'm the SF, since 2007. My SS graduated top of his High School class in 2015. He took AP classes which meant one less year of College. He received an Academic Scholarship that ran out 3 years ago. He said he wanted to graduate sooner so he refused to Co-Op or persue an internship. He is now 24/25, still hasn't graduated nor does he have any work experience.  What should've taken 3 years is now on year 7.  

This has created a serious conflict with me and his BM. She continues to pay for his rent and pay his expenses. Yet she continues buying into his excuses and reasoning for delaying graduation. On a side note, I am never consulted and my unwanted opinions falls on deaf ears.  

Since she is dependent on me financially and she is paying for him to live, even though he should be graduated and have a professional job by now, what recourse do I have?  Should I accept this for what it is or threaten to cut back financially?  

Advice / Opinions welcomed!

Frustrated in GA. 

ESMOD's picture

So, first it was the "5 year plan".. kids wanted to stretch out their college fun years.. and take a little less challenging workload... or had to make up for some less than great class performance.. I get it.. it is a transition for kids to go away and be responsible for their own schedules and motivations.

HOWEVER.. a kid with that academic history and 7 years in and no degree?  I would be having a serious talk with my wife about the continued open checkbook.  I understand that a couple of those years could have been covid impact, but before I allowed another semester of him floating around on campus.. I would ask for an exact reckoning of what he has accomplished to date academically and where are the gaps that need to be filled to get his degree.

I might set an ultimatum that if he wants any continued support beyond this semester.. he needs to be a man about it and lay his records and intentions open to you.  If he can't or won't do that?  The gravy train from you stops.. and he can go try to get his own loans/financial aid.  You can make clear to your wife that she is not to cosign at that point.. because that is just a back door way of you being responsible.

Rags's picture

She eats, sleeps, etc only when YOU pay.  SS can starve and freeze. 
 

Give SS military recruiter pamphlets instead of any financial benefit or support.

notarelative's picture

7 years -- he had an academic scholarship and it has run out. It's time for (step)parent money to stop too. 

This man child has been playing for seven years if he is full time and still without a degree. There is no way, going full time, he does not have the credits for a degree unless he is deliberately not taking the correct courses. Co-ops and internship earn credits. They provide valuable experience to list on your resume. Saying you don't want to do a co-op or internship to graduate earlier makes no sense (as you'd be competing against graduates with experience for jobs). Plus some degrees require an internship.

Time for you to cut off this man-child. It may mean cutting mom off too. If mom wants to support him, mom needs to find a job (or second job). 

 

uadrallab's picture

For clarification, I don't pay anything to him directly but those funds that she is sending is still from the household income. Also - his dad has not contributed anything. 

Also2 - it's "only" been 6 years, not 7 as my original post indicated. 

I don't think this changes anything though. 
 

ESMOD's picture

1.  Does she contribute equitably to your household income?  Do you each take "from" the household income for your own "wants" in a fairly equitable way?  

For example.. even if she does earn less.. has she potentially put anything like an inheritance into your joint funds? and.. do you have your own discretionary purchases that might exceed hers in other areas.. like do you have an expensive gun collection.. or have a nice car while she is fine with a paid off used car.

I'm just asking to see whether what she is choosing to spend on her discretionary could be inline with what she contributes.. and in line with what you spend  yourself... because if it is fairly equitable.. over time.. it should be "ok" for her to spend money on her kid's education if it isn't completely lopsided.  Did a parent leave her a lump sum that is what she thinks she is spending on her son?

2.  Why does he not have a degree after 6 years?  Did covid have an impact?  I mean.. it was 2 years of potentially more complicated situations.. did he change majors.. more than once?  Has he done anything to contribute to his expenses.. even a PT job for beer money? and... how far away is he from finishing up.. a semester or are we talking in terms of years?  What is his major.. is it one that would have an expectation of a decent job if he does graduate?  

My thoughts are at this point.. the kid needs to show a reasonable plan for completion of his degree.  He may also need to show some effort towards paying part of his way.. maybe now is the time to go ahead and get a student loan for the last bit of his college cost.. it's a big difference between borrowing for the full degree vs just one year.. that should not be an overly burdensome pmt.. and in any case.. mom could always leave him enough to pay it off in her will right?

You also don't say a lot about what the kid is like otherwise.. is there a thought he is addicted to drugs or alcohol?  Is he just lazy?  Is he a turd to you and his mom.. but just has his hand out?  Is he reasonably helpful when he comes home?  Is he respectful of you?

I would be inclined.. if it is "affordable" to see if there is a path to helping him finish up or at least work out getting him on a student loan to finish up.. but he has to show he has the ability to follow through on a reasonable path to completion in the near term.. after 6 years.. he should not be far off completing his degree program.. 

Again.. I don't know his major.. but some majors can't be done in 4 years. I believe accounting is one.. If you want to be a CPA.. I think you now need 5 years of school..not 4 to sit for the exam... so if that is the case.. 6 years doesn't look as bad when you throw in covid that could have torpedoed a semester or two (or more)..

Ispofacto's picture

Peter Pan has no incentive to grow up.  Separate your finanaces.  Your SO should be paying her half of your household bills, plus retirement stash.

 

caninelover's picture

Time to sit DW down and tell her your money can no longer go to fund SS as he not making any progress on graduating.  Seriously he's had more than enough time.  After the current semester ends, SS is on his own to pay rent and expenses.  This is a no-brainer. 

Noway2b1's picture

I do know several college kids who essentially lost two years of progress due to Covid, for some it really was not easy going from in person, to online, back to in person, then back online. My own son really struggled after doing really well the first two years, then Covid hit and he's struggled to get back on track with life in general. He's finally made a turning point (hopefully that continues) I can't imagine paying for an mba and losing the in person experience/internship/networking that simply cannot be done "online". 

notarelative's picture

I'm willing to give lots of leeway for Covid, but the SS graduated from high school in 2015, only his last semester should have been Covid affected for a four year college. And SS had a year of high school AP courses, so that should have cut off at least one semester.  And the lack of wanting to gain experience through an internship is puzzling. Put it all together and I don't see to pay for this man child any longer.

Noway2b1's picture

once it became obvious Covid wasn't going to just "go away"Is "you just gotta push through it, and do the best you can, along with the rest of the world" my kid sunk into a bit of a woe is me for a while, I continually pointed out, everyone has been affected. Everyone. 

Rags's picture

The first two on the mom and dad full meal deal college experience scholarship.  Which is in large part why my first two years resulted only in about 20 semester hours of credit.

Pardon

Which is why I started my own company at 21yo. My parents told me to pay for college myself. 6 years later, during which I was in at least one class each semester on my own dime, I sold my share of my company to my partners and used that to fund a change of major to Engineering and to start engineering school.  After my first year of engineering school, I was getting low on funds.  My parents approached me, recognized that I was demonstrating that I was focused and serious about graduating with my BS, and offered to put me back on the mom&dad full meal deal ride for my last years of engineering school. I graduated two weeks after my 30th birthday. Mom and dad paid for the first two years, and the last two years. I paid for the middle 7 years. I graduated with over 250 semester hours of course work. More than twice the hours usually necessary for a BS.  

I did not learn until I was cut off.  Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to figure it out. Even if they had not graciously put me back on the ride for the last two years, I would have finished, but likely with about $30K of school debt that I appreciatively avoided.

If you do not cut SS off and limit the mommy gravy train for his failure to progress, it does come out of your pocket.
STOP THAT!

StrawberryPie's picture

Wow, you have been more than generous!  Like one of the other posters above said, I'd tell DW she can chooses to spend her $$ on him after she contributes 50/50 to the shared expenses. Then grab all the numbers on what is actually spent and tally it up and she can see what she needs to contribute. 

Winterglow's picture

Divert your salary/income into a new bank account and give nobody access. Transfer enough to cover the bills into your old account. Inform both your wife and her son that the gravy train stops today. He can't pay his bills or rent? Not your problem. McDonald's hire people all the time. Also, change the locks to coded ones and let him know he is old enough to stand on his own two feet and this is no longer his home. 

Let the chips fall where they may. 

justmakingthebest's picture

There is no way as a bio parent I would continue to support an adult. 

I also paid for college myself, so I have very little empathy when it comes to people who have life handed to them on a silver platter. He has what 6 weeks to the end of this semester? That is plenty of time to give notice of his financial cut off.

I would make this a marital hill to die on and honestly, go to couples therapy over it. ANYONE can see that she is just enabling him. It really isn't any different than if he was a drug addict and wasn't working and she was paying his bills. He is an grown ass man and it's time to cut the cord. 

Give him until the end of the semester, but come May 1, rent is on him. Bills are on him. Cell phone, cable, internet- those are a him problem. He needs a job and he needs to figure it out. If he still isn't graduating after 6 years, he is only part time anyway and he can continue to be part time until he does. 

No more student loan co-signs. Nothing. Time to swim, sinking isn't an option. Like Rags said, if he can't make it in the real world and still wants a babysitter, the military is great for that!

Rags's picture

Though if nothing has changed in the 28 years since I graduated with my BS, even 26yo adults who have had no parental support in more than 5yrs have to provide parents tax returns to the financial aid office in order to be considered for grants or subsidized loans.  This limited me to supplemental school loans only as I would not ask my parents to co-sign loans or to provide me with their tax returns in the off chance I would qualify for PEL grants.  I wouldn't have qualified btw.

Ultimately I owed $10K in loans when I graduated.  They were paid off within a year.

Students who do knit know who their BioDad is and have a remaining parent or grandparent who daises them who are on the dole have a distinct advantage in accessing financial aid.  Though that is another story.

He is old enough to figure his own shit out.