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Step daughter lying (never happened before)

Buddyboy's picture

I have been engaged for several months and been with my fiance for a couple of years. She has a daughter that is amazing. Super smart, fun to be around, loving, etc. She is a little spoiled, but nothing out of the ordinary for a 12 year old. I have three boys(16, 8, 6) and this marriage will be a blended family situation. This has bever been an issue. All the kids get along VERY well. The other day my stepdaughter (to be) asked if my two little ones could spend the night. The little ones adore her and she has always adored them. I agreed as did my fiance. They spent the night and i went to pick the kids up the next morning. My fiance had to work. My fiance currently lives at her parents while renovations are being done at the home we will live in. When i went to get the boys, they were swimming with the step daughter. Everyone was having fun. At one point step daughter asked if we could all go to world market to look around and go to a movie she wanted to watch. The boys groaned at the thought of seeing that movie. I told her we would probably do something in the afternoon when her mother got off work. She pleaded that she didn't want to wait and she wanted to go to world market now and then she wanted me to take them to american eagle because there were a few outfits she wanted me to buy her. At this point i told her we weren't going shopping because i know the little ones wouldn't want to do that. I said we may go to world market and do something else when her mother was able to leave work. Step daughter seemed to get angry and said she wasn't going to swim with the boys anymore. The boys said they were done swimming anyway. They changed and started playing around the house. All of them were running around playing and wrestling and playing hide n go seek. Eventually step daughter said the boys were aggrivating her because they kept smacking her leg and running to hide. I got onto the boys and told them to stop. All of the kids then started playing with balloons. Eventually step daughter started smacking the boys' legs and running to hide again. This game continued for a little while again until she complained to me about the boys aggrivating her again. I told the boys to stop again then decided to take the boys and leave until fiance got off work (i realised the kids were getting on each others nerves). We left and came back when fiance got home from work. We went to world market and then went back to the house. Kids had had several hour break from each other before we went to world market. They got along great at world market. After getting home the little ones wanted to play hide n seek again. Which they did fine. Then step daughter sat on couch to take a break. My little one (6 y.o.) smacked step daughter's leg again and ran to hide. She chased him down the hall(Both were laughing). After a minute or two i noticed how quiet they were being so i went to check on them. I found my son on the floor with step daughter sitting directly behind him with her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck. It looked like a "rear choke hold" like in Mixed martial arts which step daughter did classes for in past. She was not actively choking him. She just would not let him up. Before i saw this i listened at the door and she was telling him that he needed to promise to always do what she said when she said it or she would not let him up. At this point i went in and saw what was going on and told her to let him up. She refused and said she would let him up when he promised her something. It took two more firm requests before she let him get up. My son ran into another room to hide. I followed to check on him. He said she had choked him and hurt his feelings. The evening went on for a bit longer with a couple of other things that happened and we left to go home. Fiance called me the next morning and said step daughter had pitched a fit that night and said she was acting out of sorts and even looked "posessed" at one point. At this time i told her about the pool conversation and the holding down my son incident. Fiance could not believe step daughter asked me to buy her clothes. I wondered why THAT was her main issue with all of it. I would be more concerned about a 12 y.o. holding down a small 6 y.o. like that. Over the past week i have been asked to retell my side of the events probably 10 times by fiance and her ex husband. I have gladly done that. Then i find out ex husband (who i have always gotten along well with and whom seems to like me a lot) has been saying i probably just embellished these events to make them sound worse than they were. Step daughter claims i am lying about her saying the american eagle thing and that she only straddled my son and held his arms down. She claims she never choked him or anything. Now fiance has been seeming to try to catch me telling her other "half truths" to vindicate the situation with step daughter. It's as if she doesn't believe me and she wants me to lie about something else so she can believe her daughter about the other stuff. She claims her daughter HAS NEVER lied to her and that her daughter refuses to come clean and still claims i am lying. So fiance and ex husband don't know what to think and don't want to get onto step daughter in case i am the one lying. I absolutely HATE lying and am very honest in every situation because of that. I would rather tell the truth and look like a bad person than lie to someone. Fiance tells me she knows i have no reason to lie about any of this, but she doesn't know why her daughter would lie either. Step daughter's story has clear holes in it when she gives her version. Step daughter claims my son made her mad, but can't say exactly what he did to make her mad enough to choke him or hold him down in her version. She also says she "doesn't remember" if she did or didn't say anything about me buying her stuff from american eagle. She says she may have but can't remember. I am baffled that with all of this, i am still being treated as if i made all of this up. I have absolutely nothing to gain from lying about any of this. I also love my step daughter dearly and would NEVER want anyone to think bad of her. I am not sure what to do. It bothers me greatly that there is this much distrust in me and my fiance and i are planning a wedding in less than two weeks. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I am just feeling lost in all of this. 

Siemprematahari's picture

So SD is a bully and now she has selective memory about the whole going to American Eagle. If your fiancée is not trusting what you are saying, seeing as her daughter’s story has holes all over it I’d reflect on the relationship and not rush to get married. Once you both live together and all the kids are living under the same roof, you will see different dynamics come into play. Things are different when you don’t live together and have to deal with the kids 24 hours a day. SD seems spoiled and if she’s given everything she asks for, you can just imagine how much worse it will be the older she gets.

So pretty much what I’m saying is to continue keeping your eyes open, observe interactions, and if your fiancée refuses to parent and not trust in you I would definitely reconsider marriage being an option.

ITB2012's picture

Postpone the wedding. If your fiance is even questioning your side of things now it will only get worse as there are more bumps in getting along when you combine households. Trust me. I'm living it. (I almost typed "I've lived through it" but that implies it got better, it hasn't.) My DH always sides with the skids, even if he sees it firsthand. I get told that I didn't understand the circumstances, or some other excuse so I'm the intolerant one and "over the top." His own child can flat out lie to his face and when he finds out that the kid flat out lied to his face, he gets mad at me for...I don't know...noticing/finding the evidence/not going along with the newly crafted reality?

beebeel's picture

Anyone who claims their kid NEVER lies is either lying themselves or is an IDIOT. 

I would think long and hard about going through with this marraige. Fiancee has just shown you she doesn't even trust your word over than of a child. Also, her brat is more than a little spoiled (getting pissy that you wouldn't shower her with clothes and a movie?! At 12?!? Bonus!! She's also a violent little shit who just abused your son. Please think of your kids before you force them to live with this feral child.

tog redux's picture

If my DH ever questioned my word over a child's word, I'd have to rethink my life choices.

Postpone the wedding, this is a GIANT red flag, and it's going to just go downhill from here, especially once SD figures out she can manipulate her parents (if she hasn't already).

Livingoutloud's picture

Oh boy. This girl is amazing? Yeah ok. Id like to see what “not amazing” sounds like for you. I’d not marry into this. What is she going to lie about next time? Something serious that could ruin your life? And 12 year old chocking my 6 year old would never be allowed around my child ever again. I’d never be with this girl alone again either. Too dangerous 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Please take this very seriously.  This girl is a prime candidate to make false claims against you or your sons that could seriously dampen your futures.

She is untrustworthy, and her parents are all to willing to believe her on this small incident.  The parents are now trying to gaslight you.  

Please reconsider if this is the life you want for you and your sons.

Harry's picture

Agree 100%

Thumper's picture

Right now you are in a good spot...living separately. KEEP it that way.

Next, mom needs to be taking care of her daughter AND find suitable arrangements when she is working or if other events prevent her from being physically present. Stop being the caretaker for her daughter TODAY. Do not pick her daughter UP at a babysitters or grannys. that is moms job. not yours.

Next, you should tell your kids it is not ok to run past anyone and smack, hit, kick, flick any kid. No it is not what kids do, and NO it is no boys being boys. Some day IF you dont nip this now, a kid is going to be smacked by your kid and bammm, his front teeth may get knock out. 

They need to keep their hands to themselves.

Last where is the mother of your kids? How are you going to discuss with your ex  when your boys tell her what happened?  1, agree it was wrong what gf daughter did make NO excuses for her behavior 2. steps YOU have taken to protect your boys 3. YOU also have told their boys hitting , smacking etc is never ok.

GoodLuck...........remember your job is to protect and raise your boys. IF you cant get this under control your ex will .

 

 

 

Rags's picture

You don't want anyone to to think poorly of your lying, violent, manipulative toxic POS SD?  Really?  The truth and and facts are that she is a lying, violent, manipulative POS.  Those points are the truth and the facts. They are not good or bad. They are merely the truth and the facts.  That they are unpleasant does not aleviate the reality that they are the truth and the fact

Let me also get this straight. Your SO is questioning your veracity while believing a violent, lying, manipulative 12yo?  This woman is not your equity life partner and IMHO is a write off.  No wedding, no moving in together, leave her and her toxic spawn with her parents and save yourself and your children from having to deal with this shallow and polluted gene pool. Leave mommy, daddy and their toxic spawn to figure it out without you and without serving your own young children up on the sacrificial alther of blended family martyrdom.

If you do choose to move foward with this questionable relationship, get  your kids to MMA class so that they can deal with SD-12 when she pulls her bullying crap. Bullies are cowards. They target weaker and often younger kids. Pepare your boys to choke her out any time she pulls this crap.  Noting fixes a bully faster then an ass whuppin by someone they think is a victim.