Step child not listening & disobeying & I'm going to lose my mind!!!!
:jawdrop: I have 1 bio daughter & 2 step daughters. My youngest step daughter (age 7) has a tough time listening/ disobeys a lot. Originally we thought the not listening was due to her always being glued to a tablet so we took the that privilege away & told her she could earn it back when we saw improvements in her listing skills... that was 6 months ago. The lack of listening only seems to be getting worse & more frequent. She also is becoming increasingly more disobedient - not outlandish or in your face so much as just does whatever she wants & when you call her out on it & ask if she was disobedient on purpose she admits it. She knows it's wrong, she knows she'll get in trouble but she does it anyway. We ground her, which in our house means you are sent to your room where you have to stay on your bed & you can either read a book, go to sleep or stare at a wall. She's getting grounded almost once a week now. She doesn't get to play on electronics, she's had dessert privileges taken away, etc. every time I ask her why she does things that she knows is wrong she just shrugs & stares blankly at us.
Tonight I came home from work & my husband caught me in the garage saying that she was sent to her room already (it was only 4:30 & they get home at 4) because she wouldn't listen to him when he was trying to get her to do her homework. She would start & he would go to help one of the other kids & when he would come back she was playing instead of doing her school work. When he told her to do her homework she threw a fit and started crying. So I went in and talked to her & asked her to explain to me what happened. She said she was having a hard time understanding what she needed to do with her homework. I asked her if she asked dad for help or told him she was having a hard time understanding & she said no. So I explained (very calmly) that she needs to ask for help if she doesn't understand something. I then told her that her behavior was unacceptable & as punishment she would go to bed early tonight but that I would help her with her homework. She was fine & said ok. We worked together & everything was fine. Come early bedtime she got ready & I put her to bed no issues. A few minutes later I heard her bedroom door open and the bathroom door close. Ok, I thought, she had to potty, I'll ignore it. She goes back to her room. A little while later I hear the bedroom door open again & the bathroom door open again. Ok .... I'm just going to let it go. Little while later I hear her bedroom door open a 3rd time - now this time I look down the hall. I don't see anyone. I wait a few seconds & ho back to the kitchen. The second I'm back in the kitchen I hear the bathroom door shut. So she stood in her room looking out the door waiting for me to leave .... now I'm livid. I pop my head in the bathroom & ask her what she's doing. She just looks at me blankly (what she typically does when she knows she's in trouble) & shrugs her shoulders. I ask her if she just stood by the door & waited for me to leave so she could sneak out. She said yes (I'll say one thing - she never lies at least). I lost my cool .... and I lost it hard core. i basically told her I was so disappointed in her & I was so hurt that she keeps acting this way (now this is accumulative of everything over the last few months that threw me into a boiling point). I told her that I took the time today to help her understand & start memorizing the lines she needed to know for school by Thursday & (& I feel badly about this next part now) then I told her I hope she knows how to memorize things on her own because Im done helping her if this is how she's going to repay us. Then I told that for the rest of the week she will come home, do her homework, eat dinner, take a shower & go straight to bed & if she wanted to get off this constant punishment she better start thinking of ways to make up for her behavior & fast. She got a little teary but again just blankly stared at me.
I'm at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. Her sister doesn't have this problem! Every time we give a punishment she just sits back and takes it (with no fight) but then just goes right back to doing it again! I'm running out of punishments! And I don't think it's working any how! I've tried talking to her asking why she doesn't listen or purposely disobeys when she KNOWS she's going to get punished & she just shrugs and says "I don't know" (and now every time she does it I kind of want to slap her in the face! I don't, but I REALLY want to)
My husband agrees with me that its unacceptable & he enforces punishments, backs me up when I make the punishments, etc. so at least there we are a united front (thank god)
I'm just so tired of the same thing over & over again & getting no where ... 1/2 the time there's no emotion or anything on her face ... just a blank stare .... like, I've had more reaction from a ham sandwich then her most days.
SOMEONE HELP!!!!!
*** side note - she has no learning disabilities/ add/ anything to that effect .... trust me, that was all already checked out ..... I almost wish it was something like that, at least then I'd know a reason****
I stopped reading when I
I stopped reading when I figured out you have issues with your 7 year old SD...
you are not her mother, stop being one to her, DH can handle her and yes keep on teaching your kids, nothing wrong with it, if you kids complains about they have to behave in a certain way/ do chores and SD not...
give them the evil mothers eye and say, I'm your mother and I'm not SD's mother... end of discussion....
I made sure I had allot of alone time with my kid, and then I would spoil his ass, not my problem if Aergia sat at home with nothing to do only her Dad, who never did anything with her.... his idea of parenting is.... nothing
my kid got clever, he understood very quickly, that if he helps me around the house, stays respectful and keep his complains till we are alone, he will get a full explanation and well we do fun stuff after all the work is done..
It sounds as you are
It sounds as you are basically having positive interactions with your SD7, so you have a sound foundation for tweaking the relationship. The fact that the child does not lie is hugely positive in your relationship. It also sounds as if you are a compassionate person and really trying to forge a good relationship with her. No, you are not her mother, but a step mother can be as important a role as a loving aunt, grandma, friend or teacher to a child. Kids can love and depend on many people, and each relationship can contribute something special. A child loving a step parent doesn't take anything away from her love for her own mother, just as mothers can love multiple children. Love isn't a competition, and those who try to make it so will end up losing.
You might be surprised by the answer you get if you ask ( with an open mind and not in an accusing way) about why the child looks at your blankly when she is doing something you thought she knew she shouldn't. You might get an answer that is very informative and not at all what you expected.
IMHO, it may be that your expectations are not quite realistic. You may be expecting that a child of 7 1/2 is more mature and able to behave according to house rules than she is. You wonder why she doesn't listen or obey, especially when her older sister seems not to have the same problems. Being a second child has its own characteristics, and one of those is letting the older sister figure things out, take any flak from the parents and make nice, while the second child feels more freedom to test the limits, etc. Also, eight is an entirely different ball game than being seven. Eight is a very emotional year, especially for girls. Kids don't grow up on a continuously advancing path; they develop by two steps forward and one back. Also, her own personality may be different in a way that has positive parts, but comes with some parts that are more of a problem. It's challenging to think of ways to discipline that amplify the positive parts and damper only the negative. You surely don't want to damper the positive parts.
Does that mean that you should let the kid run the show? Not at all. But I think if you understand better what expectations will be met, then you won't be as exasperated and disappointed. Understanding the developmental stage and being compassionate with the amount of change this daughter is going through can help you find patience and a creativity in working with her. Creativity may be the key to working more successfully with this child.
The other point I would make is that perhaps you are not being clear (with yourself and with her) about exactly the behavior you want, and assuming that the child knows what you mean when you say you want her to listen, etc. In working with my own children I tried to approach discipline based on five steps:
1. Decide on the behavior that I expect, modified by factors such as child's age and ability to comply, fatigue, emotional context, etc. Ask myself if this is a reasonable and realistic expectation, and maybe get additional information from the child, such as "Did you have a problem at school today?" or do you need to go to the bathroom?. After I get a clear idea of just what behavior I want and is reasonable to expect given the specific situation, I go to step two:
2. Decide on the consequences I really believe are appropriate and that I'm able to carry out. If I am going to punish for non-compliance, I try to be fair in punishing only the immediate action, not for similar behavior that occurred yesterday or over several weeks. I am careful not to design consequences out of anger, but rather that "fit the crime", as it's important for a child to understand the punishment as fair and not cruel or excessive. If the child can't connect the punishment with the act, no learning will take place.
3. Clearly convey to the child exactly what I want. So, instead of saying something such as "I want you to start behaving and do what you should", I say, "Go to bed now." or "I want you to be quiet and put your feet on the floor while we have dinner, or you will be asked to go to your room.". Sometimes we give instructions in the negative, and some kids have trouble understanding what we actually want because we only tell them what we do not want. Make sure your instructions are clear, and that the child understands the both the direction and the consequences.
4. If the child complies, reward by letting her/him know that I appreciate the behavior. Material rewards for good behavior aren't nearly as good at relationship building as simple praise, IMHO. If the child does not obey, remind her/him of the consequences that were outlined in advance and follow through. No need to be angry or upset, simply follow through. At this point it's important to let the child know what he must do to regain acceptance. For example, "Because you were disruptive at dinner, you need to go to your room for twenty minutes. Then we will look forward to having you join us". It's important, I believe, for children to know that they can re-enter the flock after they pay their dues for bad behavior. I don't think they are encouraged to behave well if they feel that they are going to be permanently judged and rejected because they are "bad".
5. Once the punishment is done, let the child know that the interaction is over, and she/he has a new opportunity to behave.
In the situation you described, it seems that you felt guilty that you lost it with your SD. We all lose it, with step children, biological children, spouses, friends, etc. When we do, the way to resolve the situation is by apologizing and asking for the person to forgive us. This not only resolves the situation, but it shows the child respect and also models a positive conflict resolution approach for the child to emulate.
It seems from your description that you are investing a great deal of love and concern for your SDs, and you seem to be on a great path to be an important person in their lives. Keep up the good work!