Starting to hate my life.
Just found this site today, hopefully it helps! So I am 28 years old and married to my husband who is 29 with his two kids ages 4 and 7. My at the time fiance was awarded custody of his kids out of nowhere about two years ago, he had never informed me of this intention. Hiufh when we met I'd made it clear I was not looking to be a mother and he was okay with that.
Two years later, the court awarded custody to my at the time fiance.. They were dropped off on my doorstep, literally, children I'd met 2x in my life and boom. Husband checks out of reality because he honestly want ready for this and EVRRYTHING got put on my shoulders. I couldn't stand by and watch kids not eat or have toys just because their father is selfish.. I worked 60hr weeks came home to two screaming kids and no clue what to do. I hated it! Fiance at the time stopped doing anything for the kids and never talked to me. He'd have criticism with everything I did to the kids or for the kids. Nithing was good enough. Yet he never even made them a meal. He drowned himself in alcohol and x box.
One year later he still isn't available, covid happened I left my job because the kids were not in school and husband works 70+hr weeks. I have had to raise two kids I never wanted while losing everything that made me ME. I feel lost as a human. Husband can't even watch his kids for me to go food shopping without me coming home to my house destroyed and a husband playing x box with headphones on. I could hear the kids screaming from the driveway.
So now I have anxiety when I leave my house, anxiety when I am at my house. I have two kids I had no choice but to give up my life for treat me like dog shit in front of their father and he doesn't stick up for me. However, if I don't stick up for him we fight. He still hasn't done one thing for them I do everything but I can't even get a hellonor goodbye they just want daddy. Who ignores them 24/7. *Unless we are in public or people are around then he acts like dad of the year.
School opened back up and 7y/o has insane anger issues he's already attacked his teacher 2x and tossed a dest onto a child along with he always punches the girls in his class. I have taken him to every Dr. A therapist I've read books, but he isn't mine and I have no legal say. He is about to be kicked out of school for his anger and my husband told me "when he does you can teach him" I put my foot down and said I will NOT homeschool him.
I hate my life so badly I don't know if I want to life it anymore. I do everything for two kids that openly hate me, a husband I can't even vent to without an argument and him telling me to leave - even though I have no income BECAUSE I LEFT MY JOB TO HOMESCHOOL DURING COVID... I'm stuck in my house with no way out alone and I hate myself for who I've become.
I'm starting to take it out on the kids. And I hate me. Usually I brush the mean things they say to me but lately it hurts so bad I say mean things back.
I miss life before the kids! My husband never argued, he wasn't an alcoholic or addicted to his x box. We used to be so happy and in love. Now I cry daily because I hate my life and I hate the person I've become. I hate how I am starting to hate this children.
Please someone help me and tell me what to do.