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Starting to hate my life.

meganmarie's picture

Hello! 

Just found this site today, hopefully it helps! So I am 28 years old and married to my husband who is 29 with his two kids ages 4 and 7. My at the time fiance was awarded custody of his kids out of nowhere about two years ago, he had never informed me of this intention. Hiufh when we met I'd made it clear I was not looking to be a mother and he was okay with that. 

Two years later,  the court awarded custody to my at the time fiance.. They were dropped off on my doorstep, literally, children I'd met 2x in my life and boom. Husband checks out of reality because he honestly want ready for this and EVRRYTHING got put on my shoulders. I couldn't stand by and watch kids not eat or have toys just because their father is selfish.. I worked 60hr weeks came home to two screaming kids and no clue what to do. I hated it! Fiance at the time stopped doing anything for the kids and never talked to me. He'd have criticism with everything I did to the kids or for the kids. Nithing was good enough. Yet he never even made them a meal. He drowned himself in alcohol and x box.

One year later he still isn't available, covid happened I left my job because the kids were not in school and husband works 70+hr weeks. I have had to raise two kids I never wanted while losing everything that made me ME. I feel lost as a human. Husband can't even watch his kids for me to go food shopping without me coming home to my house destroyed and a husband playing x box with headphones on. I could hear the kids screaming from the driveway. 

So now I have anxiety when I leave my house, anxiety when I am at my house. I have two kids I had no choice but to give up my life for treat me like dog shit in front of their father and he doesn't stick up for me. However, if I don't stick up for him we fight. He still hasn't done one thing for them I do everything but I can't even get a hellonor goodbye they just want daddy. Who ignores them 24/7. *Unless we are in public or people are around then he acts like dad of the year. 

School opened back up and 7y/o has insane anger issues he's already attacked his teacher 2x and tossed a dest onto a child along with he always punches the girls in his class. I have taken him to every Dr. A therapist I've read books, but he isn't mine and I have no legal say. He is about to be kicked out of school for his anger and my husband told me "when he does you can teach him" I put my foot down and said I will NOT homeschool him. 

I hate my life so badly I don't know if I want to life it anymore. I do everything for two kids that openly hate me, a husband I can't even vent to without an argument and him telling me to leave - even though I have no income BECAUSE I LEFT MY JOB TO HOMESCHOOL DURING COVID... I'm stuck in my house with no way out alone and I hate myself for who I've become. 

I'm starting to take it out on the kids. And I hate me. Usually I brush the mean things they say to me but lately it hurts so bad I say mean things back. 

I miss life before the kids! My husband never argued, he wasn't an alcoholic or addicted to his x box. We used to be so happy and in love. Now I cry daily because I hate my life and I hate the person I've become. I hate how I am starting to hate this children. 

Please someone help me and tell me what to do. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have never been where you are, but your situation is one of my biggest fears. You cannot stay in this situation.

I know this may be overly simplistic but please either a) Go to counseling as an individual and as a couple to work out how to transfer the work of parenting to your husband. If BM is in any way fit (not incarcerated, severely mentally ill, or addicted to drugs), she needs to help. Or any family of your husband if possible.

If your husband will not help, and no other family will step in, for your safety and that of the kids, your other option is b) leave, but first contact CPS to let them know your husband is also unfit. You sound like this situation has pushed you to your limit. You need a break and soon. 

meganmarie's picture

Hello, I appreciate you! 

It has been very hard. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy. I started individual therapy last week. I asked my husband if he would do therapy and he sort of brushed it off in his was of saying no without actually saying no. I love him so much but he is not the person I had before kids. I could rely and trust him with my life now I never trust what he says. We got together around his youngest child's birth. The children were placed with him when the youngest was 3. 

I've only been doing this for a year and change but in that year he has become a shell of the man I knew and loved and I have become an empty human. Like a black hole in my tummy every day. The kids still pee themselves even the 7yo every night. He doesn't wake up I do. I woke up 5x last night woke up at 5am so tell my husband to get up for work and instantly get an attitude because my husband "was tired". Okay, okay but I am too! Go wake the kids up for school to a 7yo scream crying that he doesn't want to go go he pees himself on purpose and a 4yo telling me she hates me for putting on her uniform and not a dress. 

Today broke me before 9am. Just got a call to pick up 7yo from school for his behavior, called my husband to tell him, ask for support and he says I must have been mean to him this morning its my fault he's acting like this... he just spit in a teacher's face.. its my fault. Sorry. 

I've contemplate ld leaving however I have no income and no place to go. Literally stuck. 

His family is not in my state, or near it. My parents are older and high risk. Biological Mom OD after youngest birth. She was high while pregnant. OD when baby was taken. They were both in the same foster (who was attempting adoption) when my husband got a stick up his ass and decided he finally wanted to be a dad..when the state was attempting to terminate his right of them due to his non interest. 

Gimlet's picture

You are not crazy.  This situation is crazy.

Your husband's children are special needs at this point, OP.  They have been through trauma and likely abuse, as well as being exposed to drugs in utero.  They need more than any normal person can give them.   They would have been better off in the foster home than with your husband, who has no interest in getting them the support they need, and is also OK being abusive to you. 

Contact a lawyer ASAP.  Know where you stand as far as possibly getting a settlement or alimony from your husband so you can re-establish your life and get on your feet.  

Look into women's shelters.  While not ideal, it could be a place to go while you look for employment. 

Make an exit plan, now.  This is an untenable situation.  I also agree that you should call CPS on your way out.  These kids need special care and support from someone who understands their needs, not an absent, alcoholic father and young woman who had them thrust upon her with no support or guidance.

This isn't your responsibility or you fault.

meganmarie's picture

Does this make me a horrible person? Does this make me selfish? I feel horrible for the kids because I honestly tried and continuously try for them. But I haven't seen my friends or had a moment alone since the kids arrived. 

I stopped doing anything because when I got back it was always a fight over how he let the house get distorted and won't help clean. That anxiety while I wasn't home is unbelievable. I'm so afraid something will happen to a kid and he either won't notice or will be too intoxicated to drive them to the ER. 

Yet the kids perform him over me.

Gimlet's picture

Meganmarie,

You are not equipped to give these kids what they need, period. 

They need professional help.  They need to live with a family who understands how to support abused children.  You cannot help that you don't have those skills or the authority of a parent.

You did not choose to bring them into the world and leave them with a drug addicted mother, and then take away the support of a foster family who sounded like they wanted to adopt them - basically, your husband ripped them away from everyone they have ever known and put them in a place where their biological father ignores them.

You need to leave and you need to call CPS.  That is the only thing that is fair for these kids and for you.  None of this is your fault.

The only thing you are going to accomplish here is wrecking your health - mental and phsyical.

Shame on your husband, by the way.  What a selfish coward he is.

futurobrillante99's picture

The best chance for those kids getting help is with you LEAVING. Right now, he's pushed them off on you but you have no authority to get them help.

If you leave (go anywhere and take some money from him if you can or sell some things in the house), call CPS and they will intervene. It should be a wakeup call for your spouse.

Find a place to stay for two weeks, quarantine and get a covid test. Once clear, move home to your parents. Let your spouse get his butt in gear and straighten up.

I would honestly ask for an annulment if I were you. I believe you were duped.

weightedworld's picture

Girl.. why did you even continue with getting married. Put on your blinding shades, go get a job, make it through the muck of pulling yourself off from under that mess.. i'm sure he is going to be mad.. but get the hell out of there!! 

You want kids some day?... this is what your life will be like. You, your kids, and no support. 

ndc's picture

You need to just leave this situation.  The kids are not your problem - you are not a mean or selfish person for not wanting to give up your life for them (and that's what you're doing).  The selfish one here is your husband. He needs to get serious help for his kids - more than either of you are equipped to give, it seems. 

In your shoes,  I would see a lawyer asap and figure out how to divorce your husband and get out of this situation as quickly and beneficially to you as possible. 

Can you get another job easily? You need to put YOU first,  because no one else is.  Don't let the skids prevent you from working.  They are your husband's problem.  He can put his drink and his Xbox down long enough to find another alternative for them.  He's used you long enough. 

Do you have family with whom you could stay if you walked out tomorrow? Because that's certainly what I would want to do. 

tog redux's picture

Make an exit plan and call CPS on your way out the door. None of this is your responsibility and I don't know how you can even look at your husband, much less live with him. 

thinker's picture

Individual thereapy is a great start!  Even if you're not emotionally ready to leave tomorrow, please work on your exit plan, which means you need to find a job and a new place to live.  You may ask your therapist to help you with boundary setting (something I had to work on in the past) - the way you wrote your post, you are taking on the negative emotions of your husband and his children, and they are literally breaking you down.  Your husband and his kids have big problems, but those problems are not your problems to solve.  You can't fix them, and you've lost yourself trying.  Your problem to solve is how to gt your life back on track so that you are "you" again.  Good luck. 

Left out mama's picture

You husband is neglecting his kids and you. That is abuse.

It sounds cold but these kids are not your problem. Take half of whatever is in the bank accounts and leave. Take care of YOU!
And call cps on your way out. Doing that at least ensures that somebody with the right qualifications will quickly step in and take care of these kids. You are not a bad person for leaving, especially if your last act before leaving is to make a call to make sure help is on the way for them. 

you did not ask for any of this responsibility but you stood up and rose to the occasion. That is more than either of the bio parents did. Be proud of your efforts but realize you cannot and should not take on the responsibility and have no authority. Nobody wins in that situation. Clearly not you and neither do the kids. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You cannot stay in this situation as it is. I would call social services and ask for help. They are not your kids and this is too much for you. They can put services in place to take the burden off of you also put more responsibility on SO.  Then get back to work. Once you are working start putting money away. This way if you want to leave you can.

Metaldude73's picture

First and foremost, I'd like to tell you that you are awesome for taking on the responsibilities that were forced upon you and trying your best in the face of all things abandonment by your husband.  I cannot stand people who think playing video games is a way of life.  If it were me, I'd be smacking his teeth out of his head just over that part, let alone all the other crap you've had to deal with.

He's got some balls for sure......marrying you and then sticking you with all the responsibilities of HIS children plus providing plus doing all the parenting while he eliminates all love and attention for you and them.

He needs a reality check and you are the person to do it.

Rags's picture

I suppose the clearly obvious question is .... Why did you marry a man you knew to be a failure as a man, mate, and father?  Not only did you marry him, you married him after living his failures daily for some period of time.

This man and his failed family progeny are a life sentense of hell and misery for  you.  The odds of him ever growing up and being the equity life partner you should have and the father these kids should have are somewhere between slim and none.

Do not give him one more second of your youth and your dream for your own life.  His kids are not your kids.  In a blended family marriage  SKids can be the child of the Sparent but only if the BioParent in that marriage is of adequate character to be an actual equity life partner to the SParent and an involved and quality parent for any children in the home regardless of kid biology.

Do not sacrifice yourself to this failed man's failures any longer.  Leaving the kids will be hard, but.... not your circus, not your monkeys.

Good luck and take care of you.