So mad I could cry
I am new here but hope you do not mind me ranting a bit.
So I have been dating the BF for a few years and he has a wonderful son who is 11. BM is completely bonkers IMO (sure lots of us share that belief about other BMs.) BF and BM have 50/50 custody, plus DH pays child support, alimony (BM has full time professional career in similar field as DH but paid much less due to her own issues), AND 50/50 of SS expenses. I feel like BF got the short end of the stick in many ways since after all this he makes less than she is bringing in. Did I mention she lives in a nice house and he gets to afford a mediocre apartment. Completely different rant for another time.
So unofficial-SS gives his mum a ring during the week. We try to give him privacy because whatever they need to talk about is their thing. Problem is that more and more he gets off the phone and is in tears. BM will spend 30-40 minutes interrogating him about what he is doing, who BF is with, and repeating that she knows what is going on and that BF will regret everything so SS might as well tell her everything or he will be in trouble too. I do not understand how someone can treat their own child with so little regard. I feel like she is breaking any will he has piece by piece. Before UO-SS met me, his BM saw me in the BFs vehicle. We were keeping things away from him for awhile until BF and I could see how far our relationship was going to progress so UO-SS would not have random people in and our of his life. UO-SS told his BF that his mum kept telling him over and over that his father has a girlfriend and has replaced his DS with her and that it is all his fault that mummy and daddy are not back together. Realize their relationship has been over for years and has involved many court sessions, therapy, supervised visitations, and a lot of slander with an attempt to get BF fired and ruin his career. He detests her at this point and takes on the role of happy dad. He does not speak about the BM, does not do anything but say nice things in front of his son to attempt to keep the negativity out of their relationship.
Unofficial-SS is such a good person. He does well in school, decent manners, and overall a joy to be around (I do not have any Bkids so it is an adjustment for me). The first day back with BF and he is very reserved and a bit depressed. As the week goes on his personality really starts to shine and then it all goes away again when he goes back to BM.
Did I mention she is at his school EVERY morning when he is dropped off?(court order states BF and BM cannot be in the same location for anything other than custody exchange) She hates the clothing BF lets him wear(decent pair of pants and a simple shirt) so makes him even change clothes into what she provides while at school only to have him put them back on when he goes back to BF.
Sorry to hear you have gone
Sorry to hear you have gone and are still going through the same thing. Bf has joked about getting a clock with the years all the way down to seconds until his DS turns of age.
It took Bf a couple years to get his son's trust back. When they first separated BM disappeared with SS for a few weeks and told her then little 6yr old boy over and over that daddy wanted to kidnap him and kill him to keep mummy from ever seeing him again. Who does that to their child? LOOOOOTS of therapy after that.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from tog and need to be sorry for being negative. A possible Borderline BM is not a situation to take lightly and does take a toll on everyone involved.
I have believed my own mother to be Borderline for years and the more research I do, the more convinced I am. It took me years to realize how much she manipulated everyone around her and yet I still stayed with her and virtually clung to her in an attempt to be her savior. There are probably more than a few mental scars of my own from dealing with her. She is no where near the level of SS BM but she is still pretty up there when she is having a particularly rough patch of self loathing. We usually get on pretty well now...with a large distance between us and the ability to hang up a phone when a conversation is going no where.
The good news with SS is he is incredibly intelligent and BD has been working on coping skills with him. Will he play both sides? Yup but I tend to think that is inevitable. I just hope we can provide a great foundation for him and that weekly therapy helps.
When SS was crying I opened up the other day about some of the issues I faced when my parents separated. He seemed shocked that it is not just happening to him. I let SO know that I told SS it is ok to talk to me if he feels like it because I have been in his shoes before.
We have that with our oldest
We have that with our oldest stepson too - when he arrives, he is withdrawn and rude, but then he switches back into being a fun, nice, friendly kid. He goes all weird again after he has a call with her though, which must be done in the privacy of his room, although when his Dad calls him at his mother's, it has to be done on Skype with her in the background....
The other day, after one call, she sent BF an email saying that she was worried about SS's relationship with him! I think she even said, 'he seems to hate you.' She suggested they go for counselling! She seems to have no idea at all that SS behaves like that in front of her because she hates him, she demands complete loyalty from SS, and that so long as he spends more than a few hours with his Dad, SS reverts back to being a normal, very loving kid. In fact, almost disturbingly loving - he is constantly wanting hugs and cuddles from his Dad, which he is more than happy to give, but I find it really cruel that this boy is forced to live such a double life at such a young age.
Oh - Ilovemypisces, guess who got all the money, lives the comfortable life, made sure she took all the friends with her as well...
This is something I am
This is something I am worried about. I hope he does not end up being like his BM but I also know children can protect and attach themselves to the perceived 'weaker' parent. He does periodically come up with some strange aversion to things suddenly that the SO and I work through to get him to realize that just because she yells at him and tries to convince him of certain 'facts' that he is a person who can help in the decision making process. He seems to really be getting it.
For example, he really wanted a specific type of pet. He did research for months on how to care for them, where they originated, went to shows and just gathered any information he could come up with. He had to prove he wanted the pet and was willing to care for it. It was amazing how far he went. Then the SO got him the pet. SS LOVED it and took such great care of it. Then suddenly out of the blue BAM! there was ZERO interest in the pet. When confronted he said that the pet could make him sick (then listed various diseases), it could hurt him(insert however many ways it was possible), and he just really did not want anything to do with it anymore. It's ok that BM has large dogs but not for her BS to have anything at his BD home. It took him awhile but he came back around. He has no where near the original interest level but still enjoys the pet who is now pretty much my pet.
To TLW Sounds very similar.
To TLW
Sounds very similar. BM makes all phone calls have to be on speaker phone and complains if the call ever reaches more than 60 seconds long.
BM likes to send 20+ paragraph emails multiple times a week and sometimes multiple times a day if she is really in a tizzy.
I am sorry to hear you have to go through all of this too.