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Should I bring it up? How?

DisneyMom75's picture

Yesterday my daughter (23 years old) sent me an email about my partner of 5 years. She told me that lately when he asks for a hug and kiss, he puts his hand on her breast. She said she thought it was an accident at first, but that on Monday he actually put his under her bra. I asked her why she let it happen and she said she was scared and she felt "frozen".  

I believe my daughter because it's not like her to lie. At the same time, she is an adult and could have stopped it. I don't even know if I should bring this up to my husband. I don't want to make things weird. We have a 2 1/2 year old son together and I'm not trying to be a single mom again.  

I am looking for advice, not judgemnt. I don't want to break my family up over something that could have been avoided. 

AgedOut's picture

we have to rock our boat to keep our family safe.  ask yourself why you really don't want to bring it up to him and why you've already begun putting responsiblity on your daughter. You don't want to upset him but you're willing to let her be upset? 

AgedOut's picture

I have none. because once upon a time I was a younger woman/girl and I was in her position and no one listened to me either. put yourself in her shoes. 

Rags's picture

I am so sorry that you had to experience both the assault and the lack of support from your family. 

Time fo mama bear to bare her fangs and claws, chew this POS up and spit him out.  An adult "child" or not, there is no appropriate age for a man to put his hands on a woman unsolicited, and there is no age that a mother should not go ape shit on a POS who would grope her adult daughter. Particulary when that mother selected that POS to spawn her youngest child.  All of her children should have her protection from this kind of POS.

This is not the garden variety opportunistic POS groper. This is this young woman's StepFather.

Grrrrrr!

DisneyMom75's picture

It's not that I don't want to upset him. It's that we have a child together. I'm thinking about what's best for our son. My daugther is an adult. 

GrudgingSM's picture

But if your husband is sexually inappropriate with your daughter, why would that be best for your son?  What he did was not okay and shouldn't be swept under the rug. It should absolutely be confronted.

futurobrillante99's picture

Kids don't do best in a 2 parent household where the father sexually assaults women.

ndc's picture

Kids may do best in a two parent household, all other things being equal.  I cannot imagine a child doing better in a household where his father betrayed his mother by trying to molest his half-sister.  I'd ditch that excuse.

Rags's picture

Tell him that the police are on their way to arrest his sexual preditor ass and if you ever see him again he will never see the green side of the grass again.  Make it clear that you will never tolerate a POS who would grope your daughter.  Tell him this after your daughter gets off of the 911 call.

PERIOD! DOT!

Rags's picture

As much as you're wanting what is best for your joint child with SO, no kid keeds to be around a pervy groper, even if that pervy groper is the young kid's father.

Bad

Grow a pair, crab your POS SO by his short and curlies, yank him around agressively, then toss him to the curb.  Have your DW press charges against him and go to war to protect all of your children from this POS.

smh

 

AgedOut's picture

let's say your spouse is groping other women, not specific to your daughter although in all honesty that he would do this to your own child makes it 100% worse in my eyes.

let's say he's putting his hands on other woman's boobage and sliding his hands under their bras. is that okay with you? 

advice.only2's picture

Well yes because a woman must cleave to her husband and forgive his sins of the flesh. Had she been a better wife he never would have needed to go and grope her GROWN daughter...who is an adult and should have done something to stop the assault after all she's the adult here. He's merely the poor man who is not in control of his devices around other women! Sorry I need to get off this thread!
ETA I don't know where my sarcasm font is today, but I hope that came across loud and clear!

Rags's picture

My sarcasm-DAR was ringing loud and clear... intermittently disrupted by my "are you F'n kidding me" alarm.

I hear ya. 

Ispofacto's picture

I wonder how the OP would react if a trusted old man in her life, like her pastor, put his hands inside her bra?

Forgiveness is for the repentant.

 

Tried out's picture

It sounds to me that he is quite experienced at this little game. He tries something, isn't rebuked, goes a little farther. What's next? He pushes her shirt up so her breast is exposed? At what point would you actually say enough is enough?

Ispofacto's picture

Don't blame your daughter.  A lot of women freeze in that position.  It's shock.

What kind of man does something like this.  There really is no point bringing this up to him.  I would bide my time and leave.

 

Rags's picture

At best it is a POS that happens to have an XY chromosome.

tog redux's picture

Wait ... what?!  It could have "been avoided" if your SO didn't grope your daughter.  You are blaming the victim.

I get that it's hard to break up a marriage with a young kid, but this guy SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOUR DAUGHTER.  If my mother blamed that on me, I would have estranged myself from her pronto, so don't be surprised if you lose your relationship with your daughter to keep a man in your life. 

My advice is to kick your SO to the curb. Do you imagine this is the first and only woman he's going to sexually assault while you are with him? And that your daughter can understand your logic that it's HER fault it happened?

futurobrillante99's picture

Your daughter is an adult and she was assaulted by your partner. You didn't witness the offense. I would encourage her to report what he did and then I would support her for doing it.

It's not your battle because it didn't happen to you and you didn't witness it. But you CAN support her and believe her.

Do the right thing and encourage your daughter to report it.

If either of you is too afraid to do it and you need proof, I'd set up a sting operation and catch him in the act with video. Then you march your rear end down to the police station and report a crime.

Either you think she's credible or she's not. If she's credible, you need to take this seriously. If he doesn't see your adult daughter as off limits for sexual advances, what makes you think he will see his own bio daughter with you as off limits?

ETA: I see now that you have a son with this sex offender. Do you want him to raise your son to be a sex offender?

DisneyMom75's picture

Why would I encourage her to report my husband? He did not rape her. 

We don't have a daughter together, we have a son. I am not looking for advice on how to punish my husband. I am looking for advice on how to bring it up to him. 

tog redux's picture

Right? Bring it up-side his head.

OP, it's illegal to grab women's breasts without their permission. That's what she's reporting.

futurobrillante99's picture

Sexual assault is ILLEGAL. You're not allowed to touch other people, sexually.

Rags's picture

He assaulted her. Period. Dot.

That is illegal and your idiot POS groper hopefully STBXH needs to be picking up soap in the prison showers for the lifers IMHO.

I have no words to explain how rediculous  you are being in making excuses for your nasty POS groper SO repeatedly grabbing your DAUGHTER's breasts. "But he didn't rape her." REALLY?  Are you F'ing kidding?

DD needs to have this POS frog marched away in hand cuffs PRONTO!  And you need to dial 911 for her.

Grow some character... mom.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The man sexually assaulted your daughter at least twice, and you think it is her fault that she didn't stop him? She let it go the first time and he did more aggressively the second time. Why is he hugging and kissing your grown daughter in the first place?

It is very common for women to "freeze" when they are being assaulted - your daughter did nothing wrong. If you continue to blame her for what happened, you are doing something wrong. Why would you want to stay with a man who would behave like this with your daughter?

Ursula's picture

Your husband didn't seem to mind making it weird when he sexually assaulted his step daughter so why are you worried about making it weird by bringing it up?

Advice on how to bring it up - Have your lawyer do the talking with divorce papers.

DisneyMom75's picture

You are all way too judgemental. Everybody makes mistakes. Do you not believe in forgiveness? Or in your vows, at least? In good times and in BAD times.

I'm out of here. 

Ursula's picture

Grabbing a woman's breast without permission is not a mistake.  It's sexually predatory and disgusting behavior.

ESMOD's picture

Mistakes are things like forgetting to pick up the groceries you asked for.  Mistakes are perhaps getting drunk at a party and making an arse of yourself to your boss.

Forgiveness? That is what your DAUGHTER will have to drum up for her mother who is going to choose to stay with a man who assaulted her and DISRESPECTED her mother's marriage.  

Vows... I'm fairly certain there has already been some vow breaking in your situation.. not so sure that you need to continue to cling to the idea that those vows meant anything to anyone given his most recent conduct.

Your husband assaulted your daughter.  That's it.. he comitted a crime.  Your question of "why didn't you stop him" is archaic thinking.. blaming her for being so "irrisistable" he couldn't help himself..   What will you do when he starts sexually assaulting your child's babysitter?  or other women?  Is that ok.. will you be fine when this is the EXAMPLE of what your husband wants to teach your son.. women have no right to their own bodies.. do what you want with em kid..?

I think the LEAST of your concern should be trying to salvage your mariage.  He certainly wasn't concerned when he decided to do what he did.. was he? It's quite likely he has done this before to others... I might have thought it could be some alzheimers or something if he was very old and inappropriate action without mentally understanding.

But you are going to blame your daughter? and just forgive him?  I am sorry he betrayed you and broke your vows.  You must be hurting too.. but don't get mad at us because we are not the ones who caused this problem....and we certainly can't in good conscience tell you how to fix something that is irreperably broken by his actions.

advice.only2's picture

My advice...maybe there is a site geared for people who need to know how to turn a blind eye to sexual predator behavior...I'm sure if you search buzz words like Duggar you will find the sites more geared towards your needs.

Rags's picture

It is too late for your "family".  It is already broken and your pervy groper of a POS of a DH broke it.

Your daughter showed amazing courage to bring this to you. Now.... have her call the police and press charges on your POS STBXH immediately and get his ass an arrest record and do what is necessary to have him convicted and labeled as a sexual predator for life.

Though your adult DD needs your support and protection, your young child needs it even more.  You must do what is necessary to get this pervy groper POS away from your family and keep him away as much as possible.

As a man, this infuriates me.  Groping POS assholes like your SO need to be disappeared IMHO.  Back in the day, fathers, brothers, and uncles dealt with this kind of crap very quietly and permanently.  Poof, the problem just went away. For good.

Too bad that is a rarity these days.

Grrrrrr!

My niece is a stunning beauty.  When we hug, I make damned sure that I am fully aware of her comfort and my hands go to the small of her back (L)  and between her shoulders (R).  I do not want her in any way uncomfortable or getting the impression that her uncle is a perv. The same goes when I am hugging my DW's 6 nieces, her SILs, my own SIL, and my nephews' GFs .

notarelative's picture

he puts his hand on her breast. She said she thought it was an accident at first, but that on Monday he actually put his under her bra.

That is two counts of sexual misconduct. The first could be construed as an accident, which your daughter tried to do. The second is no accident. It is an escalation of the behavior. 

If you can't bring yourself to deal with this, please see a counselor to figure out why you think this is acceptable. The "bad times" in the marriage vows does not include condoning sexual assault of your daughter.

Winterglow's picture

Please stop thinking about your personal comfort. Your scum of a husband gropes young women, including your own daughter. Does he imagine that being married to you gives him some kind of sick rights over your daughter? 

How to bring up the subject? Dammit woman, go in there with guns blazing. And PLEASE STOP VICTIM BLAMING! 

caninelover's picture

Sorry to be blunt but your DH is a groping pervert.  You need to take your son, leave, and apologize to your daughter for implying it was her fault because she 'should have stopped it' or 'not allowed it'.  

How about your pervert DH not feel up your daughter in the first place?  Blame him.  

Leave first and then evaluate with a counseler if his sexual deviancy is treatable.  If so then consider staying though he should never be allowed in the same room as your daughter again.

Just because your daughter is 22 doesn't make it her responsibility, its yours.

ndc's picture

Wow.  You're certainly failing your children.  I don't know what your daughter must think - it can't be easy to have your mother choose the man who sexually assaulted you over her own child.  As for your young son, don't delude yourself into thinking you're choosing to ignore this and stay with your husband for his sake.  Such a role model you've chosen for him.  I may not have called the police over this, but I most certainly would not sweep it under the rug.  

CallMeCrazy's picture

Are you Anna Duggar? 

Stop victim blaming and stop exposing your young son to his the father who sexually assaults women all because you don't want to be a single mom. Seriously. Your DH committed a violent crime against a woman - twice! - and all you can say is that this website is judgmental? FFS.

24 years as a SM's picture

Since you are not supporting your daughter, we sure as HELL will. We will help and encourage her to file a report on your Pervert Husband. I am so angry I can barely type. DO YOU WANT YOUR SON TO THINK THIS IS NORMAL? If so you will be visiting him in jail or prison, because any female he pulls this crap on, will file assault charges. YOU are doing a complete disservice to your son and his upbringing, it's absolutely disgusting.

Crspyew's picture

Probably not.  One of the gotta have a man regardless of the cost crowd.  She can stay with him so that her son learns it's ok to grope women.  Two oar3nt homes being better and all that.

DisneyMom75's picture

This will be my final post.

I had a talk with my husband. I told him that he was making my daughter uncomfortable with his affection and that I didn't want to have to have this talk again. He apologized and said he understood. 

I also spoke to my daughter. She is glad that I spoke to him and AGREES that it's best for her brother if we forgive and move past this situation. 

What you people don't know is how hard I had it before my husband came along. I was a single mother for nearly 17 years. No help from my daughter's father, at all. My daughter and I had to share a bed. 

It's easy to say what you'd do if you were in my shoes, but thing is, you aren't.

Crspyew's picture

I was financially strapped like $23 a month to live on after I paid rent, daycare and essentials.  Many other posters here have struggled as well.  So we have walked in your shoes.  You are judging us incorrectly.  We are all giving you the same advice.  Your husband's behavior is wrong, illegal, outrageous.  Your willing to overlook it is worse, he grabbed your daughters breast! How can you be in the same home as him?  

Findthemiddle's picture

Your daughter isn’t the first person he has grabbed and she won’t be the last.  Did you browbeat and shame your daughter with your bs single mother sob story?     You make me sick.

Rags's picture

Referring to this POS grabbing your daughters breast (TWICE!) as affection is like saying Jeffrey Epstein was a philanthropist that provided young women with career opportunities and scholarships.

You suck lady.  You are even worse than your POS husband.  Regardless of how tough you had it as a single mom, you are serving your young adult daughter up to this POS while sugar coating your DH's crap as affection and justifying your own idiocy as to avoid being a single mother again is nausiating, pathetic, and down right evil.

You are right, I have never been in your shoes. But a number of wonderful women of quality and character in this community have been in your shoes, and worse, have been in your daughter's shoes. Listen to them, pull your head out of your ass, woman up, be the mother that  both of your children should have and quit pimping your children for a meal ticket from this dick head perv.  Making your financial security through your reproductive organs is beyond reprehensible. Particularly when you serve the product of that career up as sacrifice on the alter of your emotional and financial well being.

You can polish this turd all day long lady,  but in the end...  you and your DH are just pieces of shit.  And not shiney in the least.

Buh-bye. Good riddance. Don't let the door knob go up your ass on your way out. You POS.

Bad

AgedOut's picture

we both, you and I, know you will. 

I do know what I'd do if I was in your shoes because as a young lady I was in your daughter's shoes. And we both  (you and I) know what he did is a red flag waving in a hurricane but because you were once so poor, you will let him get away w/ anything if you can keep him. Good luck. I hope your daughter wakes up and files charges. I also hope the next young lady he does this to, and we both (you and I) know he's done it before and will 100% do it again, I hope the next one presses charges. 

 

You say "you people don't know" well I say you do know and you don't care as long as you have someone paying your way. You're teaching your kids that men do whatever and women have to accept it and get over it.

 

Shame on you. 

ESMOD's picture

You know full well that there is a difference between him accidentally brushing her chest when he hugs her.. or hugging her when she isn't comfortable with that level of contact.. and putting his hand under her shirt.  THAT is no accident.  It isn't her misinterpreting his actions.  

Honey,  you do realize that even if you don't stay with him, he is obligated to provide you monetary support for your child right?  That with our court system.. what he did would most likely not get him a harsh sentence... so he would still be able to work and pay you that child support.  

I'm also not sure why you haven't put yourself in a position to be more self supporting in the last 17 years either... Today, most women don't have to rely on a man for that.  In fact, many men are relying on their women for support... so that is a thin excuse.

The bottom line is that you want this man because you are being selfish.  This is NOT going to benefit your baby... It is certainly not going to benefit your relationship with your daughter... I would hazard a guess that you have just kicked the problem down the road... and that it's really quite likely he will do this again.. maybe with your daughter.. maybe with one of your friends.. or with someone else.. like your son's babysitter.. charges will be filed.

You want to cling to your vows... why on earth are you not expecting your spouse to keep to HIS vows.  He broke his vow to you that he made in front of God, Family.. the world.  

You are mad at us.. and you are angry at your daughter for not stopping him... I think you need some deep therapy.. and I really feel sorry for your son who is quite likely to be raised up to be the kind of boy/man that think's it's ok to assault a woman.. if she doesn't fight back.. I see a sexual predator conviction in your baby's future.. and it will be your fault.  I hope you remember that when he has assaulted some poor girl.. and you think back to what his father and you taught him.. and realize you have crippled your own child because of your own selfishness.

The Neverending Story's picture

Life's hard!! But you have blamed your daughter by saying she allowed it and now y'all want to sweep this shit under the rug?? 

I feel so bad for your kids. You're the mother that won't protect them if her comfort level is messed with. How f'ing sad is that.

If you think these are the only times your H has done this...you are wrong. If you think he won't do it again...well you're wrong again.

I didn't even get thru this whole thread....I'm so angry right now.

Your husband SEXUALLY ASSAULTED your daughter and your f'd up reaction to it ASSAULTED her again!!

CallMeCrazy's picture

HIS AFFECTION?!?

So you'll sell out your victimized daughter and raise your son with a sex offender all because you don't want to work and earn enough to support your son.

I have no words. NONE.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Reacted the same way about ole Joshie. And now here we are many years later and he is still up to his antics . Leopards don't change their spots OP

Floral_SM's picture

This sickens me. Putting this perverted man above your daughter and making it her fault because she 'hesitated and is an adult to stop it'. WTF? Is this even real?

Bex_S's picture

He sexually assaulted your daughter. I don't understand the question here? Obviously get rid of him. I can't believe that you're contemplating having your son raised by a sex offender, just so you don't have to be a single parent! You're valuing your own relationship over your children and throwing them both under the bus. Your children come first, not you. Especially when it comes to protecting them from harm! I'm seriously hoping this isn't a real story; I've seen some bad parenting over the years but this really takes the cake.

Winterglow's picture

"I am looking for advice, not judgemnt. I don't want to break my family up over something that could have been avoided. "

This situation could easily have been avoided if your husband had kept his filthy, groping hands to himself. Not judging, just stating.

Rags's picture

I truly hope that your DD recognizes you as the POS that you are and shits on you every chance she gets.

Good riddance to you and God protect your young son from his entirely shallow and polluted gene pool.  The progeny of a sexual preditor and a whore monger breeding for dollars loser. The only hope this kid has is divine intervention, or... his big sister taking him and raising him far, far, far away from both  you and his idiot father.

Poor kid.