SD is a chronic liar, husband takes her side
I am so frustrated right now. Recently my SD (11 years old) has had a lot going on in her home with her mom. That aside, in the past couple of months her attitude has really kicked up, and she's developed a problem with lying. Not just little white lies, but full on fabricating stories about things other family members have said and done, etc. I brought the issue to my husband, and my words verbatim were "I am coming to you from a place of concern...I am worried something is going on with her..."
He essentially went beserk, and immediately took her side. He sat her down with us and spent the entire time screaming at ME about how I was "calling his daughter a liar", how "obviously I think his child is a problem", "you hate her, and have made it abundantly clear she doesn't have a home here (????)" "You're the problem!" Mind you this is all in front of her. And she's (SD) sitting there the whole time, shedding crocodile tears saying, "I didn't say those things," WHEN I HEARD THEM COME OUT OF HER MOUTH MYSELF. And all he can say is "she says she didn't say it. So you're sitting here, calling my daughter a liar! Like you're so perfect!"
I'm basically floored, because I have done nothing but show this child love and affection from day freaking one. I'm completely blown away by how my husband is acting. It ended with him telling me "she probably never wants to come over again, and I don't f***ing blame her" and telling me to "get away from him, and get out of the bedroom."
I left the bedroom and went downstairs for awhile to clear my head. I went back into OUR bedroom about an hour later, and SD is "asleep" in our bed, on my side of the bed, next to my husband. When I came in, she opened her eyes and just stared at me while I gathered some things like my medication and phone charger.
I feel so hurt and disrespected. I don't even know how to handle this.
I would leave. Wth. You now
I would leave. Wth. You now have no bed?
I'd lay down the law tomorrow about that crap. No more kid in your bed. He wants to rurn her into a miniwife, he can go sleep in her bed.
I agree with SteppedOut,
I agree with SteppedOut, leave.
Your husband has shown you and more importantly his daughter that she is control of the house and you. This will only get worse as she gets older, and more vocal and extreme with her lies.
Until you leave completely disengage with them, leave them to it.
To start get a storage unit, remove anything and everything that it yours and is important to you, especially your documents.
Do not be alone with her. Don't give her the opportunity to lie about you again.
She is now solely his responsiblity, he now cooks, cleans, and anything else she may need. If he asks/tells you YOU need to do XYZ tell him NO she YOUR child YOUR responibility. YOU do not get to treat me like YOU did then expect me to help you. I will not put myself in a position where YOUR daughter can LIE about me, and have YOUR treat me like YOU did.
That would be a deal breaker
That would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is being abusive to both you and SD. Get out now.
The biggest problem here isn
The biggest problem here isn't SD is lying.
The biggest problem is that he allowed SD to witness what should have been a private fight between you when he sided with her against you. What kind of parent puts kids right in the middle of marital drama? If this had been a fight about finances or discord in the bedroom, he presumably wouldn't have raised it in front of SD, so why would allow her to witness this intimate breakdown between you? Doesn't he see what damage that does to your marriage? SD should not know the rupture she caused in your marriage because it will become her go-to tool.
So first thing, tell him all arguments, drama, discord, discussions must wait until SD is not there to be addressed. He gave her tremendous ammunition when he said those things in front of her and it's not the kind of ammunition you can take back. What an idiot. That alone would make me want to leave.
You and he might have tackled and solved this issue together, the way parents, adults, settle issues. But now he has shifted the drama to a third person. I would be so furious!
On the rest of the problem, I don't think walking out is always the answer. It's not that easy to drop a marriage and walk out. So if you want to move forward with him, address his fighting in front of SD because more than SD lying or anything else, this will crush your marriage. It gives SD so much power that can't be retrieved.
If he had discussed this with you in SD's absence, you might have be able to convince him her lying is a problem. Or maybe he would have convinced you there isn't a problem. Most likely, you would have landed somewhere in the middle, but you could have worked it out between you.
How he handled it shows immaturity in his fighting style and an imbalance of the social structure of your relationship. He put the kid on the same level as his wife by engaging SD in the fight with you. It doesn't matter that the argument was about SD. She shouldn't have been there.
The good news for you is any decent therapist will tell him this. Go to counseling now. Don't wait for another blowup because this is a perfect example of how he is sinking your marriage. Once you get that worked out, a therapist can also help you navigate your difference of opinion about SD's behavior.
I don't know if your SD is lying or not. But I know it won't be easy to recover from this because of how he handled it. Let a therapist tell him he was wrong. It will sound entirely different coming from a third party. A therapist can also help you deal with the fallout from him handing SD so much power when he berated you in front of her.
This guy is the perpetrator
This guy is the perpetrator of a shallow and polluted gene pool. Call the locksmith and rekey the locks ...... NOW!!!!
Put this asshole and his lying spawn on the curb.
He is psycho and could be
He is psycho and could be dangerous. Talk to an attorney and find out what steps you can take ASAP.
i suggest that you get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you AT ALL TIMES. Not to prove anything to your DH but to protect yourself from false accusations.
This is not a one time blow
This is not a one time blow up. It will happen again. You do not want that kind of life, trust me.
My OSS isn't a liar, but let
My OSS isn't a liar, but let's say he's 'over confident' about facts. But this is a KNOWN issue - my SO knows this about his son, so sometimes we double check if it's a fact that matters (he's often right, it's just we can't tell when he is or isn't). So SO doesn't get defensive about this if I ask for us to check the facts.
My son, at one, point - say when he was 5 or 6, liked to stir the pot. But my ex (who has many faults) was willing to accept that this is what was going on and we called him on it when he did it. Nobody's kid is perfect. They all go through phases. That's not the real problem here - as you can fix SD's lying, IF you address it.
Your DH chose not to address it and blew this up an incredible way. He is being abusive to you. I don't normally tell anyone to 'run' because I don't have all the facts - but dang - this one is bloody close. This is serious relationship breakdown stuff. Do not overlook or minimise what happened here.