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Ok, not sure how to handle SS8 - advice please :)

luchay's picture

Sorry - it's very long Smile

Let me start by saying that a whole huge part of me is REALLY jumping for joy over his behaviour of late, as it has gotten SO bad that my SO (aka the doting dad) has had to acknowledge that his kid is a manipulative little brat! Yay. No more head in the sand, my kid is perfect!

BUT - the situation is, this child is very manipulative.

When we first moved in together (in January) he would do everything he could to come between SO and I - to the point of coming in to our bedroom constantly to try and drag his dad off to do stuff with him, jumping on him on the sofa if we were sitting together, interrupting every conversation, attempting to control the conversation at the dinner table to the exclusion of anyone else present ("Dad, remember when..." "Dad, today at school I did..") constant non-stop verbal diarhoea (sp) to the point the it didn't stop and eVERY comment was prefaced with "dad" so we were left in no doubt that we were not being included.

SO noticed and took on board that this was not acceptable, and spoke to SS8. These things have slowly improved. He is still an attention seeker, but not so pointed iykwim.

Lately the manipulation has changed. The last weekend (so nearly 2 weeks ago - they are due again this weekend) they were here he refused to shower. All the other kids showered no dramas when told. SS8 has suddenly developed a fear of the shower! (WTF - he has showered every weekend he has been here since Jan with no dramas!) We had a day out planned for the Monday with all the kids (my 2 bd's and his 2 sd and ss) SO was really annoyed with him, texted bm to see if he could take him home instead of out for the day with us as he felt that ss's behaviour over the weekend meant he didn't deserve the treat (the next day) but she had taken an extra shift at work so we had to take him with us. Round one to the brat.

This child is a very difficult eater. He uses food to manipulate. Refuses to eat most things and I feel SO needs to stop pandering to him (but the problem is the BM won't so what can you really do EOWE and every Wednesday?) I serve a basic meal when they are here as there is no way they would eat curry or stir fry or anything slightly unusual (to them - I find this really hard as I like to cook and be creative in the kitchen - sausages and 3 veg = blerk!) But this is what I serve when he is here (also burritos, home made pizza, burgers - things they can assemble themselves and have control over and WE still get some flavour and to choose what we have iykwim) Anyways.... (LOL) SO will even when it's sausages, mashed potato and 3 veg give him bread so he can eat his sausages in bread. Of course the little bugger eats that and leaves the mash and the veg... no brainer. Tell him to eat the veg etc first then he can have his bread - but SO won't do that. Also, this child had never used a knife and fork til we moved in together, never eaten dinner sitting with the family at the table. The first night he grabbed his sausage in bread and attempted to go and play (with MY kids toys) I said "No way!" Since then he has learned to sit LOL Still doesn't eat much though.

The latest manipulation, starting last Wednesday he refused dinner altogether. It was burgers. Point blank wouldn't even come to the table. SO was pissed again, but it gets him attention and SO spends an hour or so trying to cajole him etc. Then the little brat snuck into the kitchen after we'd all finished (to be fair my DD6 had eaten her tea and was still hungry so I said she could have a mandarin) anyway, next thing we see him eating one too - he had helped himself when she got hers. Yes I was pissed about that, as was SO. But we let it go. (We had decided to be strong and not offer him anything else instead of the tea he had refused - he is used to getting toast or something in place of whatever meal he chooses not to eat - not in my house buddy!)

So, they were here again last night. I made lemon chicken - crumbed the chicken myself, steamed rice and vegies and lemon sauce - optional. The kid loves nuggets, so I figured he would like it. Without even knowing what we were having he again refused to eat. didn't want to know what it was, not interested. Then he told my SO that his mum had said he doesn't have to eat what I cook - that she will cook for him when he gets home. SO was EXTREMELY ANNOYED LOL (SO WAS I) So, we all went and ate our tea, everyone else was fine, piggy sd11 refused to eat the veg, but had seconds of chicken (my kids don't get seconds til the finish what is on their plate but whatever) Then the three girls all got ice cream (personally sd wouldn't have had any as she didn't eat her tea - but I really wanted ss to see that he was missing out so I allowed it)

Eventually, AFTER I put the leftovers (including ss's plateful) into containers for SO's lunches the little brat came out and decided he wanted some. So out of the container, into a plate, heated up. He sits at the table and picks at it. Barely eats a mouthful then dumps his still full bowl on the kitchen bench. SO is beyond pissed at this point.

When he gets them home to BM he confronts her (nicely - he is not an aggressive or confrontational person but this needed dealing with urgently) and she point blank denies telling ss that, told ss off right then and there, and said he has to do what his dad tells him. I believe her (shock!) No really I do. I think the kid never thought he would be called on it.

The problem is - we have them from Friday afternoon to Monday morning this weekend, and then the school hols start here next week and we have them for 7 days straight (only a 2 week mid year break) We have activities planned for that week for all the kids - zoo, museum, scienceworks etc.

SOOOOO - what would you do? How do we make this kid do as he is told? He can't go 7 days with no food, and sure as heck is not coming out with us if he doesn't shower. Personally I would ignore the food thing - he eats or not his choice, eventually he will get hungry enough and do it. No pandering, no being offered other stuff, no snacks etc.

And as for showering if he were mine he would have been dragged in there fully dressed and put under the shower. (he had been here since the Friday night, played basketball on the Saturday and this was Sunday night - so he NEEDED a shower badly)

Quite frankly, SO is getting really annoyed as he can see what a brat his kid is being, but he doesn't step up and TELL the little sod off. After he got home last night I suggested he needs to have a serious talk with ss (meaning lay down the law - when in our house you WILL shower and eat) He said "yes, I need to ask him what is bothering him to make him act out like this" well, yes and NO! talk to him by all means, find out if something is upsetting him, but also lay down the freakin law!

Oh, I should add that for the first few months (up until about a month ago) SO and I were having issues reconciling our parenting styles and expectations. We have sorted this out and are now united and together and this is visibly different to all the kids if that makes sense. We aren't tense or fighting with each other, and when there is a problem we deal with it together so the kids all can see that we are a team. I think that ss has noticed that his tactics to come between us haven't worked and that we are stronger than ever, and that his behaviour lately is more down to that.

joviej1's picture

I think you are doing an awesome job. I love that you and SO are showing a united front. I think you're right about him having a talk with SS. His behavior is ridiculous. No way would I be up there begging him for an hour to eat dinner. I would lay down the rules and tell him if he doesn't eat with the rest of the family at dinner time (lunch,breakfast) then he doesn't eat at all. I know it will be tough to do but he's just testing you guys to see what he can get away with. In all honesty it really seems like you've got a handle on what to do. Good Luck

janeyc's picture

Yes what joviej1 says is so true, all kids will be fussy with food if we let them, I say eat it or go hungry, use your manners or you not get a treat, we are supposed to be in charge of the kids not them in charge of us, you know what you are doing, just keep doing it, I think that a lot of Dads have not been there for the discipline, they've been at work, sometimes they just don't know what to do, I hope your partner soon realises that you do know what you are doing and you are doing it well.

giveitago's picture

It took a long time for DH and I to be united in accepting what was bad behavior and attention seeking bullshit. I saw it right off the bat but I was on the outside looking in, I explained that to DH and said that anyone else would probably tell him the same as I was.
The sad reality is, I believe, that no matter how you parent kids they are ultimately going to turn out exactly as they choose to. You can guide them, set a good example, not dignify their tantrums and all that good stuff until the cows come home but if you have a badassed kid the kid is not going to change their basic personality.
I've said this before, and I totally believe it to be true, that kids manipulate their parents, and others around them, when they are inches long and it does not stop as long as they are getting what they want. Kids' perception of what they want is ALL that they want, too many adults give in to that and we now have a whole generaton of deluded, narcissistic, entitled little brats. Ohh...then we add step parents to that mix?? LOL of course there's going to be mayhem!

luchay's picture

Yes, my OH has definitely always been the less strict parent, add the guilt for leaving them and he went Disney, so the kids have reached the point of expecting their demands to be met all the time.

And since I have come along that has changed and ss8 is pissed off! As I said at the beginning though - part of me is glad that he has escalated his behaviour as OH can't ignore it anymore!!

The weekend will be manageable as there are no special treats planned - it's really the holidays that have me concerned as BM will have taken on extra work (good for her - so no problems with that) so dropping him home if he is misbehaving may not be an option so SO NEEDS to step up.

Thanks so much for your responses.

Oceanic815's picture

I always read about the usual behavior problems we all have with our skids but its "nice" to hear someone else is battling with eating & showering. It just seems like normal, everyday things to do but my skids are awful in this aspect. Now I love them dearly, but dinner time is terrible. My SS11, who was about 7 or 8 at the time, pulled this amazing stunt at dinner. We were at MY parents' house and he wouldn't eat. We ALL tried to get him to eat for about an hour, of course he wouldn't, and then when he took one single, measly bite everyone cheered. I rolled my eyes. Now they are 11 and 9 and still won't eat anything other than junk, flat out junk. I told SS11 there will be no battling over food, what I make is what we eat. Well DH wasn't home when I told him this and when DH got home, SS11 had a "belly ache" all of a sudden. I was sick of it so I called him on it and he admitted to manipulating us using a fake illness so he wouldn't have to eat... mind you this was before dinner & he didn't even know what I was going to make! He is down on himself for being "fat" which he is not, but he has gotten a bit chubby. I feel bad for his low self esteem but when all they want is pizza, chicken nuggets, and hot dogs, what do you expect?!? DH used to get mad at me & go Disney, letting them eat whatever because we don't see them often, but he has seen the light (lol) and tells them that what I make is what we eat. Our own son who is 5 will eat anything, as we have raised him that way. When the SSs are home with BM, if they don't like what she makes they can make themselves a pb&j sandwich or ramen noodles!!!! Not appropriate for growing boys!!!

Also, we had them for about 4 days this past week and they didn't shower or brush their teeth once. BM didn't send toothbrushes! SS9 asked my BS to borrow his!! (which I overheard so it didn't happen thankfully!)

Our BM = laziest parent I've ever seen. Hygiene and nutrition are two very basic things. Come on BMs, you're only hurting the kids and teaching them to be chubby, dirty slobs and we step moms can only do so much in our short time!!!!!!

luchay's picture

Oh yeah to the toothbrush thing - they were borrowing OH's though! So I fixed that by buying them their own to leave here.

And the update on the weekend.

It did not go well.

SO spent the entire time at BM's (previously their home - been sold, settlement Monday so he needed to clean it up - shed, garage, yard and she was away all weekend)

Friday night - maccas, Saturday night he cooked for everyone - chicken schnitzel and chips, Sunday night I cooked chilli. Had to reprimand ss8 about a previous problem we had all discussed and worked out what we were going to do if it happened again. All I did was remind him that we agreed that wasn't acceptable remember!

Major fight with SO (wasn't there at the time I reprimanded ss - no consequences, no punishment, yelling - just told him the above) SO had to go to ss and sd and ask them for their side, to figure out who was in the wrong etc etc, basically called me out in front of them - nice one OH - told him to pack his kids and the the fuck out.

More arguing, he wasn't able that night to see how he had disrespected me and put me on the same level as his kids, and how now I have NO chance of ever being respected or listened to by them etc.

Monday night he was devastated by it all, so sorry, loves me, will stop seeing his kids altogether if I want him to etc etc (blah blah blah!) That is NOT what I want (although at times OMG it does appeal!) He promised to never treat me like that again etc.

Now I am waiting for the next problem, because it seems he says one thing to me, and does whatever the fuck he feels like at the time and I don't know if all the talk etc, the promises, the compromises and arrangements we have come to will ever count for anything when up against the little brat being sooky.