Not sure if I should stay or go

Forums:

Okay first time here. Really just in desperate need of advice before I lose my mind. So here's the problems:

1 - I know this one is a no brainer, but maybe someone else saying it will help. I've been with BF for 2 years, been living together for 1. When we met his divorce was suppose to be almost done, pending a bankruptcy, and then it should just need to be filed. Turns out bf just sat and believed the ex story that bankruptcy was filed even while his checks were being garnished. Well ex had lied about filing. He did, it himself, and it was final last September. Still no divorce filing, I've asked several times, cried, and he knows it needs to be done yet still nothing...

2 - I have one dd19, lives on own, and one dd11 that lives with me. He has dss17, dsd15, that live with us, no real problems there. Problem is with dsd6, shes adopted, and was born addicted to who knows what all. Shes with the mom, all but every other weekend. Behaviors are horrible, cries whines until she gets her way, her dad will take her multiple times to get toys when she whines, hits, slaps others, doesn't have to even try the family meal and will then get a treat after. Example after a little trip to the zoo, she falls asleep, wakes up whining, crying, starts screaming . Dss17 said he thinks shes hungry, so we pull over and her dad takes her stomping into gas station and comes out with those little bottle candies. The mom has her pumped full of meds, and I have voiced my concern that you cant give meds for your lack of setting boundaries, and consequences, and giving into everything. Honestly I see shes a normal child, with poor parenting. I've voiced over and over all these concerns to her dad, and he says and does nothing. I've told him to ask about the meds, go to a counseling session but he does nothing. The ex just decided for summer that dsd15 would watch her rather than a daycare and do it two weeks with us, and two weeks with their mom. Again I disagreed thought it be better for dsd6 to be in one daycare with other kids and activities. Again deaf ears. I'm starting to resent, well beyond resent dsd6, and her dad. I cant stand to be around here, find myself just closing off from everyone. My opinion means nothing. Yet my home is in chaos right now.

Help please

Well, if you stay you have at

Well, if you stay you have at least 12 years of dealing with a child you're already beyond resenting. Your BF is a poor parent and passive about getting his divorce, which he knows is important to you. You CRIED over the fact that he hasn't pursued his divorce, and he still hasn't done anything. What does that tell you about where you stand? If it was me, I'd be gone.

He is so passive, to a

He is so passive, to a default. I've offered him so many suggestions. Like when taking her places she does so much better if there is a clear picture of what we are doing and what we aren't. She has done good for me. I've been able to put her to bed by herself just by establishing a clear picture. But he just wont stick to anything. I've tried to tell him that just because she may or may not have a real diagnosis doesn't mean she gets to live without rules, and consequences. It just means you have to be more diligent, but it's like hes too damn lazy and passive to do any of it. And yeah the divorce thing is like a complete red flag flying, that I've just chosen to believe every delay out there! So mad at myself.

He's in my house. But yes I

He's in my house. But yes I agree

To add to Sybarite's list:

8. Your daughter is living in chaos.

I can address the no brainer

I can address the no brainer one!

I dated someone with whom I worked. I'd been to his house when he was married, so I knew his situation. After he separated, I'd been to his new apartment, saw all his stuff -- he'd obviously moved on from his wife and got the biggest divorce attorney in our city to handle his divorce. Months went by and he still wasn't officially divorced. I heard through the grapevine that someone said I was dating a married man. I was mortified. I demanded to know the status. He produced a letter from his divorce attorney saying as soon as he paid his bill, the divorce would be filed and finalized. But it still didn't happen. Then a co-worker dropped over dead at work. The dead man had been a friend to both of us and he warned us repeatedly about dating co-workers. I took that opportunity to dump the still-married guy.

He's now been continuously married to that same wife for more than a decade since I dated him. They have two kids now.

I'm not going to tell you it's a no brainer because it takes time to get to the point where you have all kinds of evidence that should add up, but it still doesn't. The lesson I took from it is that it's not good to bet on people who are divorcing and nearly bankrupt. Their lives were mishandled in so many ways, anyone in their path will get dirty. A bankruptcy or divorce alone is monumental. In your case, add in kids.

You'll know when to bail. It will just hit you one day that your life has become a mess because his life is a mess. When I dumped that guy, my life normalized. I didn't have to question what the hell I was doing with such a loser anymore. I didn't have to worry what the rest of the world saw that I wasn't seeing -- that I was dating a married man. I don't like knowing that I was an "affair," especially because it didn't look that way at the time, but that's pretty much what I guess I was when I look at it all these years later.

Trust that you can do better for yourself. I am married now to the most honest man and we fit like a hand in a glove. And I dated a lot of decent people after that loser married guy. They are out there. Just think about a day without all the doubt about where your relationship is going and dealing with his mess. If that looks appealing, you have your answer right there.

I think you would benefit

I think you would benefit from taking a big step back.

1. He doesn't parent well.. in fact leaves everything for others to deal with .. his ex.. you.. as long as it's not him having to step up.

2. The divorce that drags on. If it were important to him, he would have done it.. he doesn't care whether it happens or not.

3. Bankruptcy... now I guess there is a small chance that his ex just ran up the CC. but I get a feeling he was a full participant in the spending that brought them to that place. Do you want to hitch your wagon to someone with poor financial record and probably spending issues?

4. He moved in with you. Honestly, is he fully paying his way or are you toting most of the weight of the household expenses because "well, you were living here before me and paying the mortgage.. or "my name isn't on the house so I'm not paying the mortgage.. but I will pay a little of the groceries to help out" etc.. I really worry that he has latched onto you because you represent a short cut to a financial stability in that you own your own home and likely have a good financial base. He may try to talk you into co-signing (because his credit is shot etc..).

He will get you to sign for his next vehicle because "it makes sense since his credit would make his payment so high... he will just pay the bill right?" uh.. next thing you know you are up to your eyes in HIS new debt and he leaves you with this pile to deal with.. he moves on.

I know this doesn't sound rosy.. but in some ways, the child is just a symptom of his larger issues.

I am going to agree with

I am going to agree with everyone else by simply saying:

Kick him out. Do not continue to even date him. Move on and hopefully find someone else that is more aligned with your values on parenting, finances and TREATING THEIR PARTNER WITH BASIC RESPECT.

He does work, and does

He does work, and does contribute, although not his fair share. Basically pays our cell phone bill, and $200 every check he contributes. I pay house payment, all utilities, groceries, my car, and my insurance, the internet, and tv.

The bankruptcy includes the house they lost, and I dont know what else. He blames her said he had no idea until they got foreclosure notice. I'm like how the hell you dont notice extra money in the account.

I think the problem is when he moved in I really wanted him to feel like it was his home too, and even when the older kids came wanted them to feel at home. But for my sacrifices I feel like he should have pursued the divorce, and kept trying to make things easier with his youngest. Thanks for the advice all. I know what I need to do, as much as it hurts and is scary.

The dynamics financially are

The dynamics financially are way out of balance... no way could he be on his own and pay so little to live for not only him.. but the fact that he has kids in the home.

And you are correct to be suspicious of his reasons for bankruptcy. It's easy to blame her because it's not like you can ask her.. and even if you could, she may not be truthful. The truth is that he likely was much more aware of the situation and he also probably was a part of the spending problem.

I think you will dodge a bullet if you set this fish free.