Normal behavior?
So, I'm stepmom to an 8.5-year-old boy. No bio kids of my own, but I come from a big family so I have some experience with kids. That said, I'm no expert and am curious about how to deal with some things.
DH and his ex generally have a good co-parenting relationship. It's a 50-50, week on-week off split with occasional adjustments for vacations or to make the yearly holiday schedule work out right (they alternate Christmases, Thanksgivings and spring breaks). BM is, though, not easy to talk to about any parenting issues. She tends to get emotional and defensive.
SS is, in my opinion, SUPER sensitive. The slightest correction either makes him start crying or he stomps off angry. Often, when he makes an incorrect statement, we just let it go if it's not a big deal. But if it's something that needs correcting -- oh boy. DH often will just let things slide as long as possible to avoid dealing with it. I've told him that in some cases, the longer he lets it go, the worse it will be and DH agrees so he's gotten better about it. But, still, we get the crying. For example, last spring SS got it in his head that he only had one more week of school. He actually had three. He said something about it and DH told him, nicely, "Sorry, dude, but it's three weeks." SS didn't believe him until DH showed him the school calendar. Cue tears.
After he's through crying or stomping off, he usually gets over it fast and goes on. I understand getting frustrated or embarassed but it seems like at this age he should be getting better about being able to manage his emotions. He'll do this at activities like baseball. It just seems babyish to me and I wonder if he'll start getting made fun of. I don't see the other boys crying when they mess up.
SS is very spoiled and entitled, which I suspect plays a part in it. The other part is from, I think, his mother and her parents. Apparently, she has a really hard time seeing him cry or knowing he's upset so she usually caves. When he gets upset and cries, his mother and grandparents tend to hover and coddle to try to make him feel better. This spring, he made a blunder in a baseball game and got called out. From the distance, I could tell he'd started crying as he walked to the dugout. Then I saw his grandfather get up and go into the dugout to sit with him and he stayed until the team was sent back onto the field. Maybe it's nice that they have a close relationship and he tries to make him feel better, but DH and I both felt that emotional meltdowns during games should be left to the coaches (who always responded kindly but with "You're OK, SS. We all make mistakes. Shake it off and let's get back out there" statements).
Again, I get being embarassed and reacting to that. But he'll do it at other times, too. Like if he says the grass is purple and we just casually say, "Hmm, looks green to me," he'll cry. If he puts on his Birkenstocks to go to the pool and we tell him, "Woah, buddy. You'll get those wet. Please put on your pool shoes instead" -- tears.
I just think the attention he gets, he's been trained that if he gets upset, he just has to cry and other people will come and make him feel better. Or he gets angry and lashes out in inappropriate ways. We don't play into it, but it's being reinforced half the time.
Am I being too hard and expecting too much from an 8-year-old? If I am, that's fine. I can adjust my expectations. But if it's not normal -- well, I'd like some feedback. As I said, I'd hate for it to start causing a problem for him from a social standpoint.
This is not normal
There must be something wrong with him. If he thinks there only one week of school left but calendar said three and he crying about it. That not a normal reaction. Worst part is DH doesn’t see that
Oh, he does see it. It
Oh, he does see it. It frustrates and worries him. He just doesn't know what to do about it. Can't say I do either. We don't cater to it, but BM and her parents do.
DH often will just let things
DH often will just let things slide as long as possible to avoid dealing with it.
I know your H is trying his best but he really can't afford to let ANYTHING slide. Avoiding this problem is a sure set up for more drama & stress in the future. What SS's BM and other family is doing by not allowing him to sit in his emotions to manage his feelings in a healthy way is doing so much damage. No, you can't control what goes on in her home but H can seek help and learn tools on how to deal with his son in your home. He can't keep sweeping things under the rug for long periods of time out of fear. This kid will grow up to be a monster and beyond control if action isn't taken to address this NOW.
Wishing you well!
I'm there with you. SS is a
I'm there with you. SS is a bit younger, but I see the same behaviours. The fake tears. The dramatic big lipped baby pout and crossed arms. I gave him trouble at a HUGE event we were running for our business because the kids were told they were not to mess around and be loud and crazy, as they were sitting in the front row. MIL was also told that of the children, she was supposed to be watching SS. Well sure enough, I catch my eldest and SS being lunatics and gave them both crap and told them to go sit down and not move. SS went and literally curled up into the fetal position in MIL's arms and she just coddled him. I wanted to puke.
Also sneakiness to get what he wants (IE "You can't go outside because you're in trouble" him - "I know, I'm just going to go look outside"). It all makes me so crazy. I can remember when he was probably close to 3. His dad had some lumber on the floor and he told SS not to walk on it. So the kid took a step back, looked his dad dead in the eye and put his foot on it. His dad didn't say anything, and I have never forgotten that moment; I've watched that behaviour snowball alongside many other shitty personality traits. It was probably close to 4 years ago.
I have wondered about developmental issues too. Though no one things Prince Nightmare Child could possibly have anything wrong with him. You're lucky that you have a DH that at least will listen. There's nothing worse than feeling like you're the bad guy for saying anything. I don't think people realize how much consistency in parenting matters. I'm not perfect, but I sure try my best. I annoy myself to near death by nagging my boys about their behaviour but I have to say, I am quite proud of the people they are turning in to.
Blended families are so freaking hard. I feel like this should be on billboards.
Oh and they learn who they
Oh and they learn who they can play. When I was the main disciplinarian and when DH and I were on the same team, SS didn't even try his bullshit here. We had a tiny blip of time when it felt like thing smight be okay. Once DH switched to team demon child and he stopped correcting behaviours, that's when I have seen him start to test what he can pull here. He runs the roost(s) at MIL's and BMs. Even the social worker, after a 10 minute visit, mentioned it! And it continues to get worse, the more he has gotten away with. Fun times!
I do think if your DH was firm with the rules, he would (especially at his age) learn very quick that he can't play that game at Dad's anymore. They're smarter and craftier than we given them credit for.
Oh, definitely. He knows who
Oh, definitely. He knows who he can play. His mom has two cats and a dog. She recently got a new puppy, which SS has proudly told many people is because he begged her for it. He's never asked us for a dog. He knows DH would say no. (We have two and that's plenty for us. SS insists the dog will be small, but I've seen a picture -- that puppy's not going to be anywhere near "small." Oh well, that's BM's headache.) He doesn't ask for extra stuff at the store anymore, either, because he knows DH wouldn't give in. He gets a gift when we go on a trip and he gets stuff for Christmas and birthday. That's it.
When we tell him to do or not to do something, he obeys -- as long as we're in the room. Last week, I started to go upstairs, then remembered something, so stopped and turned -- and caught SS standing on the arm of the couch, obviously about to jump on the couch. He quickly squatted down, to look like he was sitting. "Hmm. Were you going to stand and jump on furniture?" He shook his head. "Good." I stayed downstairs and he didn't look happy but at least he obeys.
One thing he likes to pull is the "Well, you told me this so I'm going to be incredibly anal about it and take you literally."
Last month we were on vacation with DH's family. I had to leave early the next morning to get home for work and DH and I went upstairs to have a few minutes alone and finish getting my stuff organized. SS came up two minutes later and DH let him into the room (which we all had to share -- usually we avoid that happening). SS insisted he had to go to bed because DH "told him to." Well, I was there. In passing, DH just said, "It'll probably be bedtime soon" as a way to warn SS that bedtime would be coming. SS kept insisting he had to go to bed -- obviously angry about it and punishing DH for saying it. DH kept telling him, "No, you don't have to go to bed now. You can go back down and play or watch TV. I didn't mean right now." Finally, we both got fed up and I told SS that, fine, if he really wanted to go to bed, he could, but if he did, he'd have to stay upstairs and not come back down until morning. Then we left. For the next half hour, we heard occasional banging on the floor. DH went up to deal with it, but it continued after he came back down.
So, I went up. I waited until I heard some banging and then stepped into the room, catching him in the act. I asked what was going on. Said I thought he wanted to go to sleep. SS said, obviously angry and near tears, "No. You told me I had to." I made my voice very calm and gentle and said, "Actually, you told us you wanted to go to bed. Your dad told you over and over that you didn't have to. But you kept saying you wanted to. So, finally, we just took you at your word. Did you want to go to bed?" He shook his head. "Well, then, do you think you should have told us you did? We're going to believe what you tell us. Remember that next time." Then I left. Soon after, we went to bed. Could hear SS sniffling, but we ignored it (maybe we shouldn't have, I don't know) and went to bed ourselves.
He'll do stuff like that. If something makes him mad, he'll either lash out, or he'll get very literal and then punish you for what you "did."
Nope, you are not expecting
Nope, you are not expecting too much of an 8yo. Far from it. Time to adopt the zero tolerance and give him something to really cry about lesson each and every time he pulls his tear fests or stomp off in a huff crap.
When he cries, nip that crap in the bud immediately have him knock it off and explain himself then send him to his room to cry where it does not impact anyone else. When he tries to stomp off to his room in a snit... stop him and make his stand there and explain himself in a respectful manner.
When he wants to be in his room in a huff, stop it. When he wants attention by crying over everything... send him to his room. He learns to knock the crap off either way.
By allowing him to "punish" you, you and dad are enabling his bullshit. It is time to start applying escalating unpleasant age appropriate consequences. Change the mix until you drive the desired behavior.
Just my thoughts of course.